On the same page, p.16
On the Same Page, page 16
“I…” She cleared her throat, mustering the wherewithal to confess the thought that had only existed inside of herself. “I think I’m attracted to women.” Yeah, no, that didn’t even feel like it came close to what she was feeling. Her stomach felt like it twisted in on itself as she corrected, “I am attracted to… a woman.”
Ellie’s hazel eyes were so wide as they stared at her, growing wider by the second, and Riley felt like she could see Ellie’s brain as she tried to process through what she’d said.
Honestly, given the lack of precedence for this, it seemed understandable.
“I know it’s – it’s new. And kind of out of left field.”
“Kind of?” Ellie’s eyebrows were so high on her forehead, Riley was convinced they would lift above her head, if it was biologically possible.
“Fine, it is out of left field!” Riley rubbed over both of her eyes with her palms, feeling both relieved that she’d actually spoken the truth into existence, while also hating the uncertainty that ate at her along with it.
When she looked at Ellie again, her sister wasn’t looking at her, but was instead staring down at her phone, where an incomplete email looked back at her. But Riley knew she wasn’t thinking about work. No, the cogs in her sister’s giant brain were thinking about her.
“I know it’s… surprising,” she allowed, a dry laugh escaping her. “Trust me, I wasn’t expecting it, either.”
There was no fucking way she could have ever predicted this situation.
Ellie slowly turned to look at her again. Her eyebrows were now deeply furrowed, so low over her squinted eyes, as she clearly tried to make sense of the situation. “Are you gay? Um, a lesbian? Bisexual? Pan?” She reached up and rubbed her temples, clearly trying to figure this all out into the world in which she was familiar. “It’s – it’s fine to come out, later. Obviously.” She gestured at herself, self-deprecatingly.
Riley found comfort in it, affection sliding through her and bringing a small smile. “Yeah, I know.”
Because Ellie hadn’t realized she was completely and totally a lesbian until a couple of years ago, when she’d met Mia.
Riley’s smile faded a bit as she shook her head. “But, no. I’m not a lesbian.”
She knew that. She’d loved Ashton, for better or worse… well, definitely for worse. And she knew she was attracted to and enjoyed relationships with some other men she’d dated, too. “I don’t know if I’m bi or pan or if it’s just – I don’t know.”
She dragged a hand through her hair, chewing at her cheek as she admitted to her thoughts. “I’ve always found women attractive, but I don’t think I’ve ever clocked an attraction to them.” That was one of the harder things for her to figure out in the last few days, if she was being honest. “Maybe I have been attracted and wrote it off, because I was attracted to men? Maybe…” She trailed off, dropping her head back on a heaved breath. “I don’t know.”
Ellie’s expression was still the picture of confusion.
“I know, you love to fit this stuff into boxes that make sense,” Riley teased, before sobering just a bit as she repeated, “But I just don’t know.”
Ellie shook her head, reaching out to put her hand on Riley’s arm across the table. “No! I mean, yes. I do,” she admitted with a crooked smile. “But, when I came out, I did a lot of reading.”
“Of course,” Riley allowed, laughing.
“And I know that labels aren’t important to everyone in the same way. Some people find comfort and identity in them and some don’t. What’s most important is that you find a sense of yourself that you’re happy with, regardless of label,” Ellie stated, so factually that Riley knew that was likely word-for-word from something Ellie had read on her own self-discovery journey.
Her lips ticked up into a smile at both the thought and the words. Sometimes Ellie’s consistency was comforting in and of itself.
Ellie studied her. “So, you’re okay? You’re not struggling?”
Riley sat with the question for a moment, appreciating the care behind it, as she sifted through her feelings. Through the many thoughts and feelings she’d been consumed by since Wednesday. Essentially ever since Gianna’s party, when she’d opened that veritable Pandora’s box of sex toys.
“Not with my sexuality,” she said after a few moments, and felt very comfortable with the words. No, being attracted to a woman didn’t upset her or throw her into a tailspin, like it had with Ellie. Sexuality was a spectrum and regardless of where she fell on it, she was fine.
Her gaze landed back on her phone, though, as her heart rate kicked up.
It was that she was attracted to Gianna.
“I am struggling,” she said, reluctantly. “A little.”
She wasn’t sure if struggling was the right word, exactly. She just knew that she was confused and working through something very unfamiliar yet very personal.
The hand Ellie had placed on her arm that had previously been resting there, slack, squeezed a little bit. Comfortingly. Comfortingly enough for Riley to look at her again and tell the full truth, “Because I didn’t just figure this out randomly or meet someone new or something. It’s… Gianna.”
Whew. There, everything was out in the open, then. That, on one level, felt good.
What did not feel good, was Ellie’s mouth falling open or her grip tightening on Riley’s arm. “What?!” Her voice was nearly a full-on scream, the handful of people seated around them in the charming B&B restaurant turning to look at them.
Okay, not exactly the reaction she’d been hoping for.
Riley gave an extremely forced smile to the other patrons, waving off their concern, before she turned back to her sister, knowing her face mirrored the alarm she was feeling. “Shh! Jesus, it’s not like I murdered someone.”
“How – what? What happened? Did she, um, did she…” Ellie trailed off, clearly shocked and grappling for something that made sense, unaware of the attention she’d just garnered.
Riley could definitely relate, as she shrugged, throwing her free hand into the air. “She didn’t do anything! Except,” Riley took a deep breath and just, let it spill out. “Okay, fine. She did give me a gift box full of sex toys at her Holiday Spectacular. That’s what got it all started.”
Ellie’s mouth fell open, silently moving, seemingly unable to find words.
Fair enough, given Riley’s reaction to the gift, herself.
“She didn’t mean to,” she rushed to add on. “She meant to give them to Athena, but, there was a mix-up. Not a big deal. Or, it wouldn’t have been.” She rolled her lips, debating how much to tell Ellie, given that she already looked like her eyes were about to fall out of her head. “Except, it kicked off these – these thoughts that I’ve been having.”
Ellie still only stared at her, unmoving.
The look prompted Riley to explain herself, further. Especially, she found, now that it was coming out, she didn’t want to stop it. She wanted to discuss these thoughts and feelings and review them; that had been the whole point of veritably coming out to Ellie, wasn’t it?
“And it also kicked off Gianna and I almost having sex,” she gave in, needing to air it all out.
“What?!” Ellie’s shout made her wince, as well as drawing every eye in the room yet again.
Riley grabbed her hand and leaned in across the table. “El, I get that this is surprising, but we are in a restaurant and our mother will be here soon.”
Ellie leaned in as well, hissing back her own whisper, “Well, perhaps this wasn’t the best place for you to tell me that you almost had sex with Gianna, because – hey, surprise! – you’re not straight.”
Riley couldn’t even hold onto the scolding tone she’d used, as she broke into an uncontrollable laugh. “That’s a good point.”
She took in a deep breath, trying to tame the unexpected amusement at her… situation.
“I didn’t think that much of it,” she explained as she sobered. “The almost-having-sex thing. Other than it just, made sense in the moment.”
For a few seconds, they only stared at each other. As Ellie studied her, baffled and incredulous and wondering, and Riley stared back. Honest and reeling.
“What about that made sense?” Ellie spoke carefully, as if picking through her words, blessedly making sure to keep her voice down. “And, um, what did Gianna say? About it all?”
“She said that she was attracted to me, too.” Even saying the words brought that rush of sensation with them. Which seemed so silly, because she knew how important she was to Gianna and how much Gianna valued her.
But there was something unduly intoxicating knowing that the most gorgeous person you’ve ever known was attracted to you.
“We didn’t have sex,” Riley clarified. “For the record.”
Ellie’s breath blew out on a hard exhale, looking strangely relieved.
Which made Riley question herself before she admitted the part of all of this that was the most pressing. “But I think I might want to.”
She could tell she was due for another Ellie shout, and she reached out and put her hand over her sister’s mouth before it could happen. “Let me explain! There are a lot of very logical parts to this.”
She kept her hand there over Ellie’s mouth, even as Ellie stared at her as if she were legitimately out of her mind. But logic was where Ellie excelled. So maybe in that respect, Ellie could be the best person to talk to about this.
Riley made sure to keep her voice down, very conscious of their location as she explained, “First, it’s been forever since I’ve had sex. And I miss it, Ellie. I want it.” God, she really, really did.
Even more now than she had before, when she’d talked to Gianna about it. Because, good fucking god, had she enjoyed what happened that night. Even doing her best not to think about it and to be normal… well, that seemed entirely out of the window, now that she was thinking about how fucking attractive she found Gianna.
“Second, I’ve had such bad luck in dating lately that I’m not even sure I can stomach going on another date with a guy for months. At least. And third, if Gianna and I have sex, it means that I get to have fun, explore this whole side to my sexuality, and not worry about anything.”
Terrifyingly and quite possibly insanely, the more she said it aloud, the more it seemed like a legitimately good idea. Maybe she hadn’t thought through all of the nuts and bolts of it, before this conversation, but it did make sense.
It made a lot of sense.
“It really kills two birds with one stone. I trust her, she respects me, and vice versa.” Those had been Riley’s biggest issues when it came to having sex with someone she wasn’t in a relationship with, in the past. Could she trust them to be honest and respectful when it came to their bodies and communicating needs? Usually that was a very difficult thing to figure out. “I don’t have to worry about feelings or navigating that aspect of a relationship,” which was also a headache when it came to keeping things casual, in Riley’s experience, “Because Gianna doesn’t ever do the feelings part. We already have an established relationship, anyway.”
It was a little overwhelming to think about, still. And who knew if it would ever go anywhere or become a thing, because she’d yet to fully figure it out herself. But maybe there was something to it, especially after last weeken–
“No!” Ellie reached up and pulled Riley’s hand away from her, vehemently shaking her head. “So, you don’t have feelings for Gianna and you want to – to just start having sex with her?”
“I mean, I don’t know if that’s what exactly would happen,” Riley tried to explain herself, feeling the tumult from the last few days creep right back up. “I’m just trying to say that – we’ve established an attraction, we love and respect one another, and neither of us is looking for a relationship, anyway. And when it almost happened, it was… good. Really good.”
The way Ellie continued to vigorously shake her head, as if her head were an etch-a-sketch and the last few minutes of this conversation could be erased, made a niggling feeling of doubt start to eat away at the feeling like she’d been onto something.
Horror, was the only way Riley could think of to describe the look on her twin’s face, the more the idea sat with her. “You cannot do that.”
“I’ve had casual sexual relationships before,” she justified, a little baffled at Ellie’s turn in feelings on her and Gianna sleeping together. Apparently, her sister’s very strong feelings. “And that’s all Gianna does with anyone.”
Ellie was alarmingly adamant, “Riley, you can’t. It’s not the same thing as your other casual sex partners,” she insisted. “It’s your best friend. That’s – if you don’t have feelings for her, how is that supposed to end?”
Defensive, Riley shrugged. “I haven’t thought through all of the moving pieces, Ellie. I’ve clearly only very recently started feeling this way.”
Her own weakened tone seemed to take some of the wind out of Ellie’s sails. Her shoulders lost a touch of their rigidity, but there was still a clear concern throughout her body. “Sorry. I’m – I didn’t mean to come off crazy, I just,” Ellie rolled her lips in thought as she took a breath. “I think that isn’t a great idea – actually, no. It’s a really bad idea,” she corrected herself, sternly.
“Gianna is your best friend. Unless you are both totally and completely on the same page, it could get really complicated and someone could get hurt.” Ellie’s gaze was intent and intense as it locked onto Riley’s. “Seriously hurt.”
Riley held Ellie’s gaze, taking in what Ellie had said. Getting her perspective was one of the main reasons she’d talked to Ellie about this in the first place; she couldn’t discount what her sister was saying just because it wasn’t necessarily what she wanted to hear.
Honestly, though, Riley didn’t even know what she wanted to hear.
Ellie wasn’t wrong. Annoyingly, for most circumstances in their lives, when it came to anything from a logical and sensical angle, Ellie was rarely wrong.
It wasn’t as though Riley had really thought this through, anyway. It had just been an idea. Something that had taken seed in her mind and clearly had been starting to grow. Seedlings didn’t have to go anywhere, necessarily. Not unless they were nurtured and fostered, and Riley – she didn’t have to nurture this.
Realistically, her life would probably make more sense and go back to feeling far more normal as soon as she let it die.
Besides, she absolutely didn’t care for how wound-up Ellie seemed about this. There was no need to push this any further.
She conceded. “You’re probably right.” A tiny chuckle pushed past her lips as she shook her head. “I did get a little carried away, I think.”
Ellie watched her carefully, but seemed to relax at her words. She opened her mouth to speak, before her gaze snapped to something over Riley’s shoulder. “Mom’s here.”
She could see how Ellie’s posture straightened, bracing herself to put her best foot forward for their mother, and knew her dilemma was pushed to the back of Ellie’s perfectly organized-by-priority brain.
She did her best to do the same, even as she glimpsed back down at her phone.
Gianna – 5:08PM
I am having fun. But I miss you
Gianna – 5:21PM
Merry Christmas <3
CHAPTER 12
March, Freshman Year
Gianna stared in critical disbelief at Ellie, as she circled the 91 that she’d just written at the top of Gianna’s practice test.
“You’re fucking with me,” she stated, staring at the grade, wondering if she was misunderstanding the number 9.
She was almost too afraid to touch it. Almost, because she snatched it from Ellie’s hands as soon as Ellie slid it over, and brought it up, right under her face to greedily take it in. “Ellie, I know you’re not like, super into joking, but if you decided this is the moment that you’re revealing how much of a comedienne you are, I’m going to go absolutely buck wild in here.”
She gestured around the MIT library, where she’d taken to meeting Ellie for tutoring.
She’d been meeting with Ellie at least twice a week for nearly a month, and her Intro to Physics midterm was now right around the corner. When they’d started her tutoring, the first practice test Ellie had given her resulted in a 69 – which, for the record, Ellie did not find as amusing as Gianna had.
This 91 meant everything to her, because if she didn’t get at least a 90, the only way she would be able to pass given the quality of the work she’d handed in for the first couple of months, was if she aced everything for the rest of the year. A highly unlikely feat.
Given her F in astronomy, this was a need.
She’d expressed her distress to Riley last month, as she’d tried to make heads or tails of the take-home quiz she’d been given. She’d groaned, throwing her hands up in the air, not able to give a shit that they were in the library – there was no one sitting near them, anyway. “Maybe flirting with and manipulating people and making deals to get cheat sheets and copy classwork is technically wrong, but I’m never going to pass a damn science class by myself. I’m a fucking idiot! And I’m never going to need this in my life, anyway, so – what’s the point?”
She’d shoved the book away from her in irritation.
Riley watched her, studying her carefully, before she offered, “I can ask Ellie to tutor you. If you want.”
It was so simple, such an easy offer. Like no big deal.
Gianna could only stare at her, skeptically. “A few months ago, you didn’t even want to tell me you had a sister. Now, you’re offering her to tutor me? What gives?”
The look Riley gave her was soft but exasperated, as she answered, “I think we both know you’re not necessarily the exact same person you were a few months ago. A few months ago, I would have been worried you’d make fun of Ellie when she nerds out on a too-long explanation that’s not really relevant, but she has to say it, because she’s excited about it. Or that you’d snap at her when she explains something to you as if you’re five and looks at you like she is confused as to why you’re confused – which,” Riley nailed her with a serious look, “She will do, both of those things. But, she will also make sure you pass.”
