On the same page, p.39
On the Same Page, page 39
Joel waved his hand out in front of himself, dismissive. “It’s not…” He trailed off, frowning. “Actually, okay, here’s the thing – clearly, I was wrong that she wasn’t going to end the whole sex thing. But, you still have these feelings!”
Riley arched an eyebrow at him, very obviously not following.
He was quick to add on, “Now, it’s the do-or-die moment! If you want to be with Gianna, don’t you want to know that you did everything you could to make it happen?”
Riley paused, her heart lurching at how similar his comment was to Gianna’s, when she’d talked Riley into doing the livestream.
And, the livestream had worked out, hadn’t it? A desperate, insistent voice from the back of her mind piped up.
Quickly, though, she shut it down.
“No.” Riley resolutely shook her head, at Joel and the unbidden thought. “What am I going to say to her, now? That I know she already ended things and I know she isn’t interested in relationships, but that being with her feels as normal as breathing? That – that being with her and totally blurring the lines between platonic and more shouldn’t have made me feel like I’m seeing everything more clearly, but that’s exactly what happened?”
She lifted her eyebrows expectantly at Joel, who reluctantly shrugged. “I mean… maybe?”
Undeniably and uncontrollably incredulous, she pushed further. “Do you think I should tell her about how I can’t help but wonder, now, if my relationship with Gianna played a part in why I haven’t really had a romantically fulfilling relationship in my adult life? Because she was already filling all of my emotionally intimate needs, long before she filled the physical ones?”
And even though Riley couldn’t confirm that with certainty, the more the thought had occurred to her in the last few days, the more she’d had a sinking feeling that it was true.
Damningly, so damningly, there was more. There was so much more that she would say to Gianna, if she thought it was the right thing to do. And she couldn’t stop herself, now, her heart pounding in her ears, as she took in another breath –
The door burst open, making both her and Joel jump in surprise.
Aida, an intern, stared at them both, wide-eyed and panting, as she waved her phone in the air. “You’re still streaming!”
CHAPTER 28
Shock and disbelief and no, no, no pounded through Riley’s veins as she could only stare at Joel, as he ran so quickly over to the setup he’d configured, he almost knocked the camera off the stand.
Gasping, he steadied it, before running his fingers carefully over it… and then he looked up with a thoughtful frown. “The camera isn’t on.”
Aida shook her head, still panting as she leaned heavily on the door handle. She held up her phone once again for them to see. “It’s just audio.”
Riley wanted to believe, with anything she possibly could hold onto, that it wasn’t true. That there was some other explanation for Aida, a typically very nice and very quiet, intern to tell them for some ungodly reason, that the last few minutes had been part of a livestream.
There was a blessed numbness that worked through her, as she tried to cling to that.
Joel whipped around to look at the laptop, though, before he swore and slammed it shut. He turned to look at Riley, then, looking completely shocked. Stricken.
“I’m sorry! I cut the camera and I ended the stream on the laptop, I did,” he swore, looking petrified. “But, then, when I fiddled with it just after you finished – I was trying to get your top engagement number,” Joel spoke so quickly, everything he said was choppy and jumbling together. “And I think I – I mean, I had to have? – accidentally, started to stream again.”
Aida nodded. “Yeah, the first live ended, but then almost immediately a second one started…” She bit her lip, brushing her hair awkwardly back behind her ear, shooting Riley a guilty look. “And, um. Well. You know what you said.”
Riley certainly did. She’d broadcasted every step her personal life had taken in the last three months, including her arrangement to having sex with her best friend as well as how she’d fallen for her.
It was that thought that shattered the numbness completely.
Life swung back into full force around her, but the only thing Riley could focus on was that Gianna had heard. She’d heard everything.
After tearfully confessing to Riley only days ago that she loved Riley too much for anything to change their friendship, she’d just heard everything.
She moved on autopilot, then, a strange sort of calm overpowering everything else inside of her. She was utterly mortified, so incredibly anxious, a whole cacophony of other emotions trying to break through.
She was sure they would get to her eventually.
But all she could do right now was put her jacket on.
“Maybe no one listened to it,” Joel proposed, unconvincingly, eyes following her around the room as she looked for wherever her phone had ended up. “Maybe Gianna didn’t, at the very least.”
Riley found her phone, hastily shoving it into her pocket as she outright rejected that. “She listened to it.”
If Riley’s channel went live, Gianna would have tuned in. If Riley could be sure of anything in this world, she was sure that Gianna had showed up for her.
Amidst the sixty-four texts she’d received and handful of phone calls – those being mostly from Ellie – Riley expected to receive very few messages from Gianna.
She’d anxiously, shakily, scrolled through everyone who had contacted her on the ride over here. And she’d braced herself for what she thought she would find, that being a very similar showing to what happened earlier this week, with Gianna’s parents.
Gianna closing her out. It was Gianna’s classic defense mechanism. She just… didn’t usually use it from Riley. And the thought that she might, left Riley chilled to the bone.
But that wasn’t what had happened.
It was the only thing Riley kept circling back to as she found herself on Gianna’s doorstep.
Her recollection of running out of the building, bypassing her coworkers, her boss, and even calling for her car, was a bit of a blur.
All she could really focus on, between leaving the conference room and now, were those texts.
Gianna – 4:12PM
And that’s a wrap! Honestly, babe, you
killed it. I’m so fucking proud of you.
Gianna – 4:12PM
For the record, being proud doesn’t mean
that I’m surprised you nailed it. I knew
you could
Gianna – 4:13PM
HEY! You and Joel being all giggly and
excited over your success is super cute,
but you should end the livestream lol
Gianna – 4:14PM
Why the hell is Joel suggesting that I
should not be invited to celebrate with
you tonight????
Gianna – 4:14PM
Wait. When did you tell Joel about us?
Why did you?
Gianna – 4:14PM
Why didn’t you tell me?
Gianna – 4:15PM
RILEY. CAN ONE OF YOU LOOK AT
YOUR PHONES?
Gianna – 4:16PM
For the love of god, one of you please
look at your phones
Gianna – 4:16PM
Riley, wh
Gianna – 4:19PM
I have to hand it to you, that’s certainly
one way to grip an audience
What the fuck did that mean? What did it mean?!
Riley – 4:27PM
I’m on my way over
Riley – 4:28PM
I’m sorry.
Gianna had immediately seen her messages and had taken two minutes to respond in any way, and all she’d said was Okay, the door’s unlocked.
She’d thought that the worst case scenario would be Gianna being angry or betrayed or freezing her out. But this – seemingly no response – was far more unsettling.
“Gianna?” She tentatively called as she opened the door.
The sweeping warmth that encompassed her from the outside cold did very little to alleviate any of the chilly nerves inside of her. Only two steps in, she froze as she saw Gianna standing in the hallway, apparently having waited for her.
Which only added to Riley’s feeling that no matter what Gianna said in text, this wasn’t right or normal.
“Hi,” she breathed out, offering a nervous smile. It was all she had, especially as the guilt and stress surged through her.
“Hey, you. I made coffee? I know it’s a little later in the day, but it’s not even five, yet, and I know you’ve had a long week,” Gianna said, tilting her head in the direction of the kitchen.
Riley gaped at her, unable to form any sort of response.
“Why don’t you take off your coat?” Gianna suggested, tilting her head at the hanger on the wall next to Riley. As if Riley didn’t know where to hang her jacket, here.
Blinking widely, Riley moved slowly as she followed Gianna’s suggestion. Mostly, though, because she was so uncertain as to what the hell was going on and she didn’t want to make any sudden movements.
“Gianna, I–”
Gianna shook her head, though, cutting Riley off. “Why don’t you tell me the best part about everything,” she broke off, her cheeks flushing as she cleared her throat, before she seemed to catch herself. “About tonight. You can take a breather and then maybe we can go out and celebrate. Or, if you want, you can go home and take a bath; whatever you want.”
Riley would have truly thought she’d stepped into the Twilight Zone, if not for that three-second pause. The pause that told her in bright, screaming color that for all of Gianna’s outward posturing, even she didn’t feel like this was normal.
And even though it was terrifying to have to address this to Gianna, face-to-face, Riley latched onto the fact that it was Gianna. That she didn’t have to be afraid of her.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her heart replicating that aching feeling again. It seemed, though, now that she’d started to find they words, they just kept coming. “I’m so sorry. Sorry that I didn’t tell you, before. Sorry that you had to hear about it like that. Sorry–”
“Riley, it’s fine!” Gianna cut her off, her voice high-pitched and edging on sharp. Not angry-sharp, Riley didn’t think, but… sharp. “It’s fine,” she repeated more calmly after she took a deep breath.
There it was, again. Something new in Gianna’s tone, in the way she held herself. Edgy, almost. Uncertain? She saw it again as Gianna drew her hand through her hair, but it didn’t look casual. It looked erratic.
“It’s not fine that I didn’t tell you,” she disagreed, that slither of guilt sliding through her again. “I didn’t do anything wrong in…”
She stared at Gianna, only feet away from her, wearing the tailored slacks she’d likely worn to her meeting this morning and an off-the-shoulder knit sweater. Her feet were bare, toes painted dark red. She looked exactly like Gianna always looked, and Riley felt the impact of her.
Just as she felt the impact of the words that worked their way out of her, even before they were spoken aloud.
“Maybe it wasn’t wrong to develop feelings for you.”
Gianna’s breath caught at Riley words, and even though the sound was so quiet, it ensnared Riley. Gripped her. Made her heart lurch in her chest, even as it confirmed what she already knew: that despite Gianna’s words, this was not fine.
She’d said it.
She’d said it to Gianna’s face and the world didn’t fall apart. There was some sort of comfort to take from that. Riley might even find it, eventually.
“But I know it was wrong to lie to you. God, I’ve hated not being honest with you, I really have,” there was a desperation inside of her that she needed Gianna to hear. To believe.
Cautiously, she started moving closer. Gianna seemed to be frozen to the spot, watching Riley approach with wide eyes. Eyes that looked – scared.
Which only made Riley feel even worse.
“I know I disrespected you, when I disregarded your rules. I did it because I didn’t want to stop sleeping with you, and that was so fucking wrong. I know it was. But I don’t mean – I didn’t do it because I was trying to be lecherous or – anything,” she swore, but had no idea if that mattered or not. “I just… I wanted as much of you as I could have, before it was over.”
She squeezed her eyes closed, reaching up and rubbing at them. They felt gritty and sore and the space around her heart felt exactly the same.
“Riley, stop,” Gianna’s voice was so soft. Barely a whisper. Barely anything.
It pushed her to keep going. “When I hear myself say it out loud, I can hear how awful it is.” It made her feel disgusted with herself, and she dropped her hands uselessly to her sides, staring at Gianna. “I never once thought that I would be like the people in your life that you’ve complained about all of these years. I can’t believe that I’m one of them.”
“Riley, stop,” Gianna asserted, louder and firmer, this time.
Still, she shook her head. She had to say it. She had to lay it all on the line, now that she’d finally opened the door. No secrets.
“I understand more than anyone how sensitive you are to the idea of people using you. To people hiding things from you.” How many times had she seen people do it over the years? People wanting to be friends with Gianna for clout, people trying to weasel their way into her life. “You’re allowed to have a reaction to the fact that I behaved in a similar way to them.”
“Riley…” Gianna’s voice could only be described as a plea. Probably a plea for her to stop, but she still couldn’t.
“And I know how much you love me,” she rasped out, staring searchingly up at Gianna. “I understand that you love me too much to let anything come between us. But I need you to just – to let yourself be upset with me, right now.” She didn’t think, even during sex, she’d ever begged for anything from Gianna the way she was in this moment. “I need you to be upset with me for not telling you the truth. For continuing our sexual relationship when I knew we weren’t on the same page. Be mad. Be – be flippant. Tell me off. Just, don’t act like it’s nothing.”
Maybe it was because she knew it was a complete farce, Gianna acting like she had no reaction to Riley’s accidental livestream. And, admittedly, maybe there was more to it. Maybe it was also, a little bit – selfishly – because, under everything else, it hurt to know that her feelings for Gianna were so big and meaningful for her, but that they could somehow mean so little to Gianna.
Even if she didn’t have a positive response, she had to have a response. Right?
She stared up at Gianna, breathing shallow because her heart was acting like she’d been running a marathon in the last ten minutes.
Gianna’s hands were clenched at her sides, so tightly her knuckles were white, the tension so clearly drawn throughout her entire body. She looked like she was ready to explode.
It was both terrifying and a relief. Terrifying, because she was blowing up the most stable relationship in her adult life. But a relief, because at least it was real. Honest.
But when Gianna exploded, it didn’t happen in any matter that Riley expected. She’d thought Gianna might pace, might ramble in a wild yet captivating mix of Italian, Finnish, and English, might storm away from Riley.
She yelped in shock, though, when Gianna surged forward toward her. Closing the gap between them in one long stride, as she fisted Riley’s sweater in her hands and yanked her in close.
Riley’s heart went wild, her blood rushing, as she stared up at Gianna in astonishment, her own hands automatically moving to brace herself against Gianna’s shoulders for balance. Even if she could have formed words, they would have been swallowed by the bruising pressure of Gianna’s mouth on hers.
Everything inside of her went ballistic at it. At the heat, the insistence, the wanting.
She matched Gianna beat for beat, surprise melding with her own desire. Unstoppable and urgent and unflagging.
She couldn’t help the choked moan that escaped her, right into Gianna’s mouth, as Gianna’s hands tore under her shirt. They didn’t settle anywhere, though. They slid over her hips, her waist, around to her back, then repeating.
Riley really thought she’d never experience it again. That she would never feel Gianna’s lips and the exacting yet coaxing slide of them again.
Maybe it was because of that belief that she felt like this kiss was different than all of their others. Regardless of the reason, she was feeling it – the urgency, the ardency, the potency – so much stronger than ever before.
Gianna let out a whine against Riley’s mouth as she drew Gianna’s bottom lip between her teeth.
Their last kiss had only been days ago, she vaguely registered in the back of her mind. Right before Gianna had broken this off between them.
That memory was like a douse of cold water through her veins. Gianna crying into her kiss. Telling her that she loved Riley so much –
Her stomach revolted again, and she used her hold on Gianna’s shirt to push Gianna away. Breathing heavily, she was already shaking her head, panting out, “What is going on?” She stood, body pressing into Gianna’s, as she stared up at her. Needing answers. Needing so badly to understand. “What…? Why?”
She released Gianna, then, needing to not get so caught up in her as she roughly rubbed her hands over her face, before dropping them and staring at Gianna, intently.
Gianna’s fingers were touching her lips. Just, touching. Exactly like she’d done the first time they’d kissed all those months ago.
“Why did you kiss me?” She asked, trying to keep her voice level. Trying to not let herself run away with any of the many insanely hopeful thoughts that were trying to take root. None of those hopes mattered if they weren’t the truth. “And, I swear, if it was for some crazy reason that you thought it would make me feel better or something–”
“I’m scared,” Gianna breathed out, fingertips finally falling from her lips. Only a few inches, though, as they pressed against her own chest.
