On the same page, p.42
On the Same Page, page 42
Hell, she wouldn’t even be surprised if she’d been in a coma for the last three months.
She’d wake up in the hospital room, pale with chapped lips and brittle hair, and Riley would be sitting there, diligently working next to her bed. Ellie just left, Riley would say, she’s been researching the-kind-of-coma-your-doctor-said-you-were-in since the unspecified accident happened. Joel will be here this afternoon to say hi on his way home from work. I’ve missed you so much.
And she’d give Gianna that sweet, loving smile she had, tearfully stroking her hand over Gianna’s face as she continued to lay in her hospital bed. She’d have no idea that Gianna had dreamed of them being lovers, and Gianna would be conflicted over waking, because the reality she’d lived in her head would have been so good, yet she’d never want to miss out on Real Life Riley.
Only, no.
It was all really real.
She quickly thumbed through the messages they’d exchanged once Riley had left. She’d gone home soon after they’d confirmed that Gianna would pick her up tonight at seven. For their date. As per always, Riley had texted to confirm she got home safe.
A couple of hours later – when Gianna had been trying to get some work done and ignore both her anxious glee and the obnoxious inundation of messages she was getting on every social media she had – Riley had messaged her again.
Riley – 9:02PM
You have had feelings for me
Riley – 9:02PM
For ten years
Riley – 9:02PM
Please confirm. If not, please disregard.
Riley – 9:03PM
Because a big part of me, now that I’m sitting
by myself in the bathtub, feels like somehow, I’ve
totally made it up
Riley – 9:03PM
But you do. You said that tonight. After I went
on a livestream and announced to a literal million
people that I have feelings for you
Gianna – 9:03PM
Yes, I can confirm that I have had feelings
for you for the last ten years
Gianna – 9:04PM
I can also confirm that you DID announce
to over a million people that you have feelings
for me
Riley – 9:05PM
Great. I thought I wasn’t losing my mind
but wanted to make sure
Riley – 9:05PM
And we have a date tomorrow. At 7. Confirm?
Gianna – 9:05PM
SO confirmed, babe
She’d never answered a text so fast in her life.
Riley hadn’t written anything back, and Gianna had let her be. Not only did she have to figure out a way to manage the rest of her evening, but she knew Riley. And she knew Riley needed to work through new developments in her mind, to examine them piece by piece.
And she knew that she’d given Riley a lot to process.
Which was still so scary to her. From the bottom depths of her soul, this was scary. While the idea of having a romantic relationship with Riley felt, on one hand, like the best thing that could ever happen to her, it didn’t negate that fear.
Riley was the first person who had filled the empty recess inside of Gianna. That dark, angry, painful dull throb that filled her up inside throughout her youth, insulating her heart. The scary place inside of her, where all of her insecurities lived, her biggest self-doubts.
It’s not as though she believed that she would regress and become the person she once was – pre-Riley – if something happened to their friendship; that felt like too much pressure to put on Riley’s shoulders and like she wasn’t giving herself enough credit for the person she’d become.
But neither of those things negated the fact that Gianna didn’t want to lose that special Riley-filled place, and that a romantic partnership was inherently a much bigger risk than a friendship.
And with all of those thoughts and feelings she had to sort through, she was resolutely not opening all of these other texts, as she scrolled through the mass of unread threads. Leaving anything on socials unanswered was so not her style, in fact it was actually emphatically against her style. It literally was a big facet of her career.
This little break to gather herself felt warranted and, for once, wanted. She liked engaging with people, often. She, unapologetically, also enjoyed attention. But sometimes, she needed privacy.
With that in mind, she was tempted to open and read through some – namely, Ellie’s, Joel’s, Mia’s, Athena’s, Cora’s – but she was worried about the rabbit hole she would end up in, if she did that, now.
She only opened one thread.
Mummo – 3:14AM
Riley on rakastunut sinua!
Mummo – 3:15AM
Kuuntelin esitystä.
Mummo – 3:15AM
Voi, kulta, olet odottanut niin kauan.
Riley is in love with you. I listened to the show. Oh, darling, you’ve waited so long. Gianna sat with those words, letting them settle right into her chest, for several minutes as she held her phone close, hovering her thumb over the call button –
Before her doorbell rang.
She made it downstairs after brushing her hair quickly and pulling it into a high pony, brushing her teeth, moving through a very abbreviated version of her morning facial, then pulling on a pair of leggings and sweater.
The only person who saw her with any less preparation was Riley, who didn’t ring her doorbell. And anyone ringing her doorbell without an agreed upon meeting before ten in the morning, was someone who had to know her well enough that they’d be waiting at least five or ten minutes for her to get herself casual-company ready.
While she was correct – it wasn’t Riley – it was close.
She pulled the door open to face Ellie, who had been intently staring at the door, waiting for Gianna to arrive and open it.
“Why didn’t you tell me you two were sleeping together?” Were the first words out of Ellie’s mouth.
And, oh, there was a very special place in Gianna’s heart for Ellie’s directness. “Good morning, Ellie.”
She opened her door wider, stepping back.
Ellie, clearly rearing to go, walked inside, her eyebrows furrowed, entire face drawn down into an intense frown. “Good morning. Why didn’t you tell me you and Riley were sleeping together?”
Gianna nodded to herself as she shut the door; when Ellie was focused, she was focused. It came as no surprise that she was unwavering and inquisitive.
“And you aren’t answering your phone! That’s not like you,” Ellie astutely pointed out as Gianna led them into the kitchen.
She started her espresso machine as she heard Ellie take off her bulky, ill-fitting off-the-rack black winter jacket that Ellie, for some reason, loved. Gianna had been forced to accept that Ellie did not care about anything she wore – even if it was not suited to her coloring or even if it was the wrong size – though she’d done so under duress.
“I’ve needed some time to myself; I believe you can relate to that,” she shot Ellie a bemused look over her shoulder as her espresso machine started to heat up.
“Fine. But – not telling me, at all, for months?” She shrugged, heavily. “I mean, neither of you did, but…” she blew out a deep breath and waved her hand in the air, clearly hoping it would express some of her big, baffled feelings that she didn’t have the words for. It worked. “I, ultimately, get why Riley didn’t! But why didn’t you? After you were there for me, with Mia, why…?”
Ellie’s face was the picture of confusion, big eyes and all.
And it was the look in those big, hazel eyes that did, admittedly, dig a small grip into Gianna’s heart. The slightest bit of guilt edged in, as she settled on the opposite side of her kitchen island.
A couple of years ago, when Ellie had fallen for Mia, both Riley and Gianna had seen how she was struggling. Unlike Riley, though, Gianna had been able to relate to Ellie’s predicament, and she’d thought it would be easier for Ellie if she knew she wasn’t alone.
Especially after the night Gianna had overheard Ellie attempt to confess her feelings to Mia. In that moment, even though Gianna was truly happy in having her friendship with Riley, there was a part of her that rebelled against it. That wanted to be brave in the way Ellie was being. The raw vulnerability Ellie had shown echoed inside of Gianna, and she connected to it, so deeply.
So deeply, she had known it was time to tell Ellie about her own feelings for Riley. Her love for Riley was always lurking. It was a constant presence, beating alongside her heart, but Gianna rarely felt it as acutely and sharply as she did the night she’d heard Ellie’s confession to Mia.
It demanded, then, to be shared.
Telling Ellie about her love for Riley had been for Ellie, but also for Gianna.
And it had been during that time that she felt she’d really solidified her own friendship with Ellie. While she’d had affection for and considered Ellie a peripheral friend for years, their friendship hadn’t ever felt so fully realized, before.
“Honestly?” She had to take a moment to settle up with the truth before she could say it. “Because I knew you wouldn’t really understand it. Because you would have never done something like this with Mia.”
“No, I wouldn’t have! It would have – it would have…” Ellie trailed off, helplessly, and Gianna didn’t need her to explain.
She did know. Ellie was so entrenched in her love for Mia, that even a single ill-fated kiss impacted their friendship. And Gianna held no judgment for Ellie over that, at all.
But when Riley had kissed her the week before Christmas – even though she’d walked away from it believing that it had been a total misunderstanding that would never happen again – she didn’t feel torn up about it. Her world had been altered for damn sure, but even when she believed it would never happen again, amidst the many feelings that had inspired in her, Gianna hadn’t been able to shake the giddy feeling that… Riley Beckett had kissed her.
That was the feeling she’d chased this entire time.
Riley had kissed her – and it had been the best fucking kiss of her life.
Gianna had always known that she was typically regarded as a very attractive person, but she’d never felt so beautiful or so sexy as she did when Riley expressed attraction to her.
Gianna had always loved sex, but having it with Riley – even the thought made her shiver.
None of it made her reconsider her entire relationship – past or present – with Riley. Having sex with Riley didn’t have a negative impact.
She met Ellie’s gaze, holding her hands up in defense. “For you, that makes sense, okay? For me… I liked having sex with Riley. Even if it would have never meant anything more, I wanted to know what it was like.”
She’d needed to know, when she’d been given the chance.
She studied Ellie as Ellie took in her words, then slowly nodded. Like she was threading through the fact that she and Gianna were, in fact, very different people.
Finally, she shrugged. “All right.” She paused, biting her lip, as she shot Gianna a look. “But, it did mean more.”
Gianna’s cheeks tingled with that unfamiliar heat, even as her lips twitched up.
“I’ve heard from Riley that you two are going on a date, tonight.”
Within seconds, she found herself full-blown smiling. “You’ve heard correctly.”
“Where are you going?” Ellie asked, tapping her fingers against the island.
The warm giddiness seeping through her came to a dead-stop, and Gianna found herself staring at Ellie, eyes wide with the alarm that she now felt. “Oh, god.”
Ellie, now, sat up straight as well, mirroring Gianna’s alarm. “What?”
“I don’t know,” the words slipped out with ice threading through her veins.
“Don’t know what?!” Ellie echoed, loud and panicky, posture drawn up tight and nervous.
“Where I’m taking Riley on our date!” She shouted back, just as panicky.
Ellie narrowed her eyes in question as she shook her head. “What do you mean, you don’t know?”
“Obviously, that I do not know where we are going,” she retorted.
Ellie rolled her eyes. “Yes, but how do you not know? How long have you been in love with my sister?”
“Oh, so you knew exactly where you wanted to take Mia on your first date?” She shot back as she heavily leaned against the counter, wracking her brain for options.
“Yes. She’d told me when she was little about how she used to stargaze with her parents at Palo Duro Canyon State Park and one of my grad students also works at the Museum of Science, so I managed to go in after closing and set up a project of footage taken of the night sky from Palo Duro Canyon State Park and got us dinner from our favorite food truck,” Ellie stated, so simply.
Gianna blinked at her. “First – yes, I remember that. Secondly, that’s really sweet. But, thirdly,” she tossed her hands into the air, “Not everyone is as prepared as you are and have thought every single life possibility through with as much attention to detail!”
Ellie shrugged, helplessly once again. “Well, I don’t know! You’ve had feelings for her for a long time, so I assumed–”
“Ellie,” Gianna cut in, arching her eyebrows sternly at her, “I never once thought we would get this far.”
And that was the basis of it all.
Ellie slid off her stool and rounded the island to stand in front of Gianna. She reached up and placed her hands firmly on her shoulders, forcing Gianna to look right at her. Steady and direct, a comforting Ellie specialty, before she said, “You know Riley better than anyone else. You can figure this out.”
“You did have eighteen years with her before I came into the picture,” she glibly reminded Ellie, even though the straightforward and quietly confident words did work to steady some of the nerves she felt.
Ellie didn’t waver, though. “You can figure this out,” she repeated, before she flicked her eyes to her own wristwatch. “You have eight hours before you have to leave.”
At that, Gianna wheeled back, holding her hands up to stop Ellie from approaching again. “Eight hours!”
Her mind started to race. Eight hours. Eight hours to plan a date – the biggest date of her life, the only one that had ever mattered to her – to go and pick Riley up, to go through all of her skin and haircare rituals, to pick out exactly what she wanted to wear –
“What am I going to wear?”
That thought, also, hadn’t yet occurred to her!
Ellie stared at her like she’d grown two heads. “You have almost a whole work day to figure it out.”
Gianna stared back, disbelieving that Ellie didn’t know her well enough after all of this time. “And?”
Ellie roamed her gaze over Gianna – as if to remind herself that Gianna hadn’t answered her door for ten minutes to ready herself for casual company – before she nodded and took a step back toward where she had her jacket hung over the back of a chair. “Right. So, I think this is my time to leave, because I don’t really get that, so…”
“That’s because you have your own fashion sense and I love that for you. Begrudgingly,” Gianna allowed as she attempted to dull down the nerves inside of her.
“The sweaters you give me for holiday gifts are really comfortable,” Ellie admitted as she shrugged on her jacket.
“Any parting words?” Gianna asked, bracing herself against the counter.
Ellie’s face screwed up in thought. “Uh… if you break her heart, I know thousands of chemical compounds that are lethal to human beings, several of which are untraceable.”
Gianna’s mouth fell open in shock. “Are you shovel-talking me?!” She couldn’t help but dissolve into laughter, more than grateful to focus on that, than the unknown logistics of her impending date. “I would have never expected this.”
Ellie didn’t laugh, though, instead, she zipped up her jacket, holding eye contact. “Well, we both know that I wouldn’t really do it. Even though it’s technically true.” She fiddled with her zipper, offering a small smile back. “But, I know mostly that I wouldn’t have to do it because you love Riley too much. And she loves you, too. So it’s all going to be just fine.”
Gianna smiled at her, endeared and calmed, a little. “You’re a secret softie, Ellie Beckett.”
Ellie’s cheeks blushed profusely as she shook her head. Still, she paused before she turned toward the door. “I’m really happy for you.”
Gianna stood in front of Riley’s apartment door, at six fifty-two, rolling her shoulders back as she stared right at the peephole.
Her hair was down, makeup was done flawlessly – but subtly; the way she would never wear it on a date with anyone else, but… she wanted to be the most effortless version of herself that she could only be with Riley, tonight – and she wore her light wash Ferragamo jeans, cabernet puff sleeve Dior top, with her black Kate Spade boots and jacket.
She was ready.
All right, there was still an edge of nerves – how could there not be?
But when Riley had asked Gianna last night if she really thought Riley would ever find someone who knew her, understood her, laughed with her, wanted her, and loved her the way Gianna herself did… something in those words pushed past the precipice of fear that kept her from letting herself ever think about exploring a romantic relationship.
Because while Gianna had no doubt in the universe that Riley could and would meet someone who would know, understand, laugh with, want, and love her, she knew that no one could do it more ardently or unfailingly than herself.
Denying Riley would also be denying herself from having the person who loved her the best.
What right in the universe did Gianna have to do that?
Riley was right. She often was, Gianna knew, but this time was absolute. How could she really let this possibility go, knowing that Riley had feelings for her, too? She was sure their friendship could survive it. She knew it would.
