Fragments alabaster peni.., p.64
Fragments (Alabaster Penitentiary Book 4), page 64
It made it real easy for me to slink around undetected.
But here, in Alabaster Penitentiary, I find the lack of attention sort of… vexing.
I’m not saying I want everyone to be focused on me all the time, or even most of the time. It’d drive me nuts. But there are definite moment when I feel like I could slit my own throat in the middle of this cafeteria, and no one would bat an eye.
Do they even see me?
Or am I still completely… invisible?
Lifting my gaze from the plate of slop in front of me, I watch my friends. Luthor is talking about this device he’s been working on for months. His body is turned, facing Ren, which would indicate that he’s really only speaking to him. Not me.
And Ren is smiling—as he does when he’s looking at Luthor. Full attention given, only occasionally breaking eye contact to watch Luthor’s lips move.
Pouring over him curiously, I study Ren’s face. Sparkling eyes the color of a bright blue sky, pointed nose, curved lips forming their signature smirk and framed by pretty-boy dimples. Jawline sharp, dusted in a dark stubble. Almost time for a shave.
Down my gaze travels, over the slope of his neck to his wide shoulders, biceps and torso plump with muscles you can’t see when they’re hidden by his shirt. But I know they’re there.
His long arm is slightly extended, and I lean forward to see where his hand is, though I don’t really need to. I already know it’s resting possessively on Luthor’s thigh, subtly grazing up and down.
Because Luthor belongs to Ren. He always has, even when he was acting like he didn’t.
It didn’t matter that Ren cheated on him. I knew from the moment it happened he would fall back under the spell of Warren Xavier. It was only a matter of time before they were like this.
Attached, in a state of constant fawning and obsessive desire that borders on psychotic.
Luthor’s a genius—literally. The kid is so smart, he could probably work for NASA, or become the next Steve Jobs, if he wasn’t locked away in concrete hell. So forgive me for harboring some resentment over his stupidity when it comes to our friend Ren.
Not that I think it’s stupid for someone to want Ren… A lot of people do. I just feel like it was obvious Luthor would go back, and him claiming he wouldn’t drove me a little nuts.
Maybe it’s none of my business… I mean, it is their relationship. They can go about it however they want. Obnoxiously codependent… Fine. That’s their prerogative.
But I’ve been caught in the middle of their toxic shit many times over the years, which is why sometimes I feel like I’m trapped on this carnival ride with them. For me, it was unintentional, but I think for them, especially for Ren, it was very deliberate.
It’s just the way he is, I suppose. Another selfish soul with a one-track mind, compulsively aimed in only one direction. But that doesn’t make it any less infuriating.
Deciding that I need to get up and move for a second before I explode, I stand with my tray. Luthor’s eyes fling to me and he tilts his head, as if he’s about to ask where I’m going. But Ren picks up one of his hands, affectionately playing with Luthor’s fingers.
Attention effectively drawn back.
I roll my eyes, jaw clenched as I stomp away from the table. My brain is pinging receptors of many vivid emotions, all of which are bothering me immensely while I sullenly dump my food into the trash, tossing my empty tray into the pile with a huff.
This is all just so annoying. The way I’m filled to the brim with chaotic things that have no business being inside me. The itchy discomfort of feeling like I’m a child again, standing in the corner…
Watching.
Luthor is one of the very, very few people in this world I actually trust. I’d go as far as to call him my brother, which may be kind of weird, considering recent events. Nonetheless, he’s been my friend since the moment I got here, and I don’t like resenting him for things beyond his control. After all, it’s not his fault his naivety and general sweetness made him easy prey for someone like Ren.
Glancing back over to the table, I scoff internally at their heart-eyes and hushed conversations.
Ren’s such a jealous weirdo.
He had the nerve to imply that I might have a thing for Luthor. The other day, in the showers… He was messing with me about it. And he couldn’t possibly be more misguided.
I mean, where would he even get that from??
Sure, Luthor and I did mess around a tiny bit. Just once. But I’ve also been consistently fucking Ren on and off pretty much since I got here, so it’s really not a big deal.
And he was there too, with me and Luthor. He orchestrated the whole thing, as he tends to. One of his brilliant schemes to lure Luthor back in, using me as a pawn in his damn sexual games.
I guess I could tell him to fuck off when he suggests it… But it’s very important to me that they understand how little I care.
I’m not gay. I’m not interested in men sexually. I never have been.
Yes, we’re in prison, and the options are severely limited. Understandably, your hand gets old real quick. If someone’s offering, I’ll take it, because a mouth is just a mouth. A hole is just a hole, no matter how surprisingly good it feels. Maybe some more than others…
Whatever. The point is that it doesn’t matter. Their mess isn’t mine, and fooling around with them is just another way to pass the time in this boring fucking place.
Luthor is still just my friend, and I could fuck Ren a million more times without feeling a goddam thing. And now that he and Luthor are fucking, it’s all irrelevant. Because I assume he doesn’t need to use me anymore…
Which is fine. Since, you know, I never cared in the first place.
Ren got what he wanted, and he’ll probably never even think about all the stuff we did together ever again. So… good.
I’m not thinking about it either.
Inside, my stomach is twisting and wrenching. Probably because I barely ate and I’m perpetually starving. A burn is making its way up my throat as I reluctantly wander back toward the table, dreading it and pretending I’m not. But I don’t get more than a step or two before someone appears in my peripheral.
My face shifts, and I peer up at the figure, now standing right beside me. It’s the new guy…
#102.
His irises shine down at me, and I’m instantly held still, just like when he came up to us the other day. It was the first time I saw him, this new inmate who popped out of nowhere with his peculiar eyes the shade of indigo. They’re practically purple. Very odd.
And he clearly isn’t shy with the eye contact.
“Hi, again,” he hums quietly. I just blink at the lurching character, tall and slim, with messy black hair and a British accent. “You’re Kang… right?”
I nod slowly, eyes flicking to my table, checking on my friends like a reflex. Ren wasn’t shy about his distrust for this person when we met him in the showers. But he’s one to talk…
He’s a pretty untrustworthy motherfucker himself.
And it’s irrelevant. Because he’s not paying attention to me, anyway.
“Byron,” I murmur to the Brit. “You’re name was…”
“Trevel,” he answers, though it was on the tip of my tongue. A unique name for sure. “Trevel Fenwick. Newest addition to this bloody nightmare.”
I huff a small breath that’s usually as close to a laugh as you’ll get from me. I’m not one for flagrant laughter. Not many things are all that funny.
Unsure of what to say to the guy, or why he decided to come up to me in the first place, I simply stand still and portray my standard indifference.
“So how long have you been here?” He asks me, seemingly interested.
“Well, I’m #62,” I tell him in a bored tone, though the way his intense violet gaze is zeroed in on my face brings an inexplicable need to fidget. “If that gives you an idea.”
His head tilts curiously. “That must be a couple years, then? At least.”
I nod again, pulse picking up, because his accent reminds me of someone…
Someone who meant a great deal to me.
I don’t like it.
Trevel isn’t put off by my surly silence. He lets out an exhale, unusual eyes drifting over to Luthor and Ren. “Those are your mates?”
I swallow hard. “Yes.”
He purses his lips, offering a curt bob of his head. “I hope I haven’t offended them somehow. The dark-haired one seemed to think I was up to no good when we met. Though, I can’t say it’s the first time someone’s assumed that about me at first glance.”
His shoulders move subtly, a rumbly noise coming from within his throat. A very modest chuckle, like mine.
“That’s just Ren,” I mutter. “It’s how he is. He’s crazy protective… of Luthor.”
Trevel shifts his gaze back to me, cocking a dark brow. “Only him?” My lips part, but before I can speak, he adds, “I recall him moving you away from me as well…”
I can’t help the scoff that puffs out of me. “Oh, yea. He’ll definitely act like he’s being a loyal friend. But really, he’s just trying to control everything.”
And manipulate me.
“You don’t strike me as the type to be controlled,” Trevel says almost curiously.
The comment makes me feel odd, but I push past it and remember myself. “I’m not.” I huff, not missing the twitch in his lips. “But he bosses me around like I’m just some lovable sidekick. And yet when it comes to standing up for our friend who was murdered, he shrugs it off.”
Shaking my head, I feel the palpable rise of heated anger in my veins when thinking about what happened to my cellmate… Before and after his death.
Trevel’s forehead lines, casting orbs of deep purple at me. “Your friend was murdered?”
“Yea,” I sigh. “By this preppy little shithead who calls himself The Carver. And now they’re befriending the psycho. Inviting him to sit with us and shit, like it didn’t even fucking happen. Totally spitting on our friend’s grave.”
This little tangent is kind of spewing out on its own, but I barely even care. Because now that I’m saying the words out loud again, I’m fuming on behalf of Kieran O’Malley, someone who meant a lot to me. Clearly, a lot more than he meant to Ren.
Something in Trevel’s face has shifted. His already severe features have gone dark, a bit of mayhem in his eyes. It’s pretty alarming.
But before I can try to inch away from it, he reaches out and places a hand on my shoulder. I flinch, startled by the fact that he’s touching me. But he keeps it there, leaning in closer.
“Loyalty is everything,” he whispers. Chills sheet my flesh. “I’m sorry about your friend.”
Frozen, I stare up at him while I mumbling, “Thank you.”
Trevel’s chin dips, lips moving too close to my ear. “You might like the taste of revenge.” Warm breath brushes it and my teeth set, gut flipping upside down. “I know I did. It’s quite… sweet. Like honey.”
My throat is so dry I can barely gulp as his hand sweeps off my shoulder, brushing down my back before pulling away. I only have one full second to stammer until the guards bark that it’s about time to leave. My eyes flick toward the booming voice, and when they return to Trevel, he’s already walking away.
What the hell was that?
My mind is cycling through his words as Luthor and Ren walk over to me. Confusion traces the fingerprints I can still feel on my shoulder.
As we leave the cafeteria, my gaze wanders cautiously to the mysterious stranger with the violet eyes. I’m unable to rid myself of this sensation… One I haven’t felt in a very long time.
He can actually see me, can’t he?
A fellow man in the shadows, perhaps.
Stay tuned for SHADOWMAN, coming in 2024!
Goodness gracious, great balls of fire, amiriteee?!?!!
So, hopefully you’re all okay. Maybe a bit shaken, but it’s nothing we haven’t been through together already. Ha!
Seriously, though. I just have to say, I’m so beyond glad that Luthor and Ren are together and happy, because literally nothing else in the world of Alabaster Pen is looking good right now.
Alright, enough fucking around, Nyla.
By now, you know how I wrap my books up here, explaining stuff, discussing details and providing insight into the inspiration for my borderline psychotic stories.
In this one, I’m absolutely certain I will be forgetting things. This entire book is an Easter egg hunt, chock full of little niblets, either from past books, or secrets to be revealed in the next two. I barely even know where to start, other than to tell you that this’ll be a long one, since there’s so much to cover. I’ll try to keep it brief, but I think we all know that’s not my strong suit.
(You’re a rambler, Nyla. Just accept the fact that you over-write like a maniac and call it a day).
Honestly, I could have easily split this book into two. But that would’ve made me itchy. So here we are, with a 200k depiction of Lex Luthor Deon and Warren Xavier—the Prince Harry and Megan Markle of Alabaster Penitentiary, if you will.
I guess I’ll start by mentioning the structure of this crazy behemoth. Interweaving flashbacks is a hard thing to sell, and I know a lot of readers are sorta critical of it. But when you’re working with a timeline that spans over many years, you only have two choices—flashbacks, or big time jumps. And to be fair, I’ve seen complaints about both, so I guess it’s a lose-lose (lol).
With Fragments, we had to do both flashbacks and time jumps, the present day following our timeline we’ve seen in the previous three books, and the flashbacks happening over the five-ish years from Luthor and Ren’s simultaneous arrests, their prisoner-meet-cute, and the gradual development of what brought them to their uneasy state by the time Dash arrives.
Could I have pushed the present-day timeline back in Fragments, starting it after Dash had already gotten there? Sure. I considered it. But the overwhelming fact is that Dash winds up being a huge driving factor in Luthor and Ren coming back together. The AP series was really born with Dash. That’s why he’s so important to me, and I make sure to mention him at least once every five minutes, no matter what’s going on.
Dash’s escape ignited the final kaboom with Velle and The Ivory in Joyless—yes, there were other factors, but this was a big part of it. It launches a chain of events, but most of all, Dash had poignant moments with both Luthor and Ren individually, so that by the time he escaped, our boys were ready to collapse into each other.
I’ve just gotta say, it is immensely satisfying to finally have these details about what Dash was really doing during all of his Officer Kemper psychosis moments out in the open. Didn’t I tell you?? Questions. Will. Be. Answered.
I feel like I can finally breathe again lol. I’ve been sitting on these deets for a while.
For all the readers who were distraught over wondering how it was possible for Dash to fabricate all those interactions with Officer Kemper… Fragments shows you how. I don’t want to spend this whole time talking about Dash, but I feel like this is really important (and like I said, I’ve been holding this in for years).
Dash is a very introspective character who, before his arrival in AP, was fumbling through his illness like a deep fog. I can’t remember if I said this in the author’s note of Distorted, but without treatment, Schizophrenia psychosis can be triggered easily, by things like stress, depression, etc. When Dash got to the prison, he was at his lowest. The perfect time for him to meet our darling little cupcake, Lexington Deon.
When Luthor says, “Living here is like living with a chronic illness. You find some way, any way, to live with it. To live… in spite of it,” that, in essence, is the moment Officer Kemper was born. Of course, it’s choppy. The way Dash remembers things isn’t exactly how or when they went down—obviously. But there are bits and pieces of reality scattered in amongst the hallucinations, which we see from Luthor and Ren’s sides in Fragments.
When Luthor tells Dash about Ren and the cock cage… Yea. That’s where he got that from.
Um, hello! Callum Kade… The guy Ren lost his virginity to. There’s your name. Callum Kemper.
The sex dreams Luthor was overhearing were Dash in psychosis, imagining his interactions with Officer Kemper, and probably the most unexpected of all these revelations… Dash becoming Officer Kemper and making out with Luthor.
A bit of a trip, if I do say so myself. But I absolutely I loved that scene. We’ve known since the end of Distorted that Officer Kemper was a manifestation of Dash’s subconscious. And the palpable shift, when he flips from himself into the Officer personality, had Luthor—and me—reeling.
There are no romantic feelings between Dash and Luthor, we know this. But from Luthor’s perspective, never having hooked up with any guys other than Ren (and Kang… hi yummy bromance threesome), it was like something he needed to experience.
There are a lot of details in these interactions—remember the wintergreen mints!!! So many, in fact, that I could probably talk about it for hours. But I said I wouldn’t turn this into a Dash retrospective… It’s the Luthor and Ren Show!
As I stated in the foreword, Fragments is about so much more than just their love, though we definitely get it. The burning love between Luthor and Ren is alive and well pretty much from the moment they meet, and it survives and even thrives for years, despite all of the chaos, self-destructive or not.
But this book is also about the island as a whole, and two people on it who were profoundly lonely on the outside, coming into this prison where, for maybe the first time in their lives, they finally made real connections and found themselves.
In that spirit, let’s delve into our boys. Beginning with Mr. Warren Xavier.
Ren was always going to be one of the more complicated characters I’ve written. I knew it from the moment I decided to give him a book, back when I was writing Distorted. And in all fairness to his lying ass, he actually wasn’t as much of a nuisance as I’m sure he could’ve been. Something about his brokenness really resonated with me. His endless searching for anything to fill the void. His terrible parents and his experiences with Callum Kade. I found his voice spilling out, especially in his flashback chapters, before he gets to AP.
