Contingency covenant of.., p.29
Contingency (Covenant of Trust), page 29
This was not typical customer-shop owner banter, and as Donna watched the conversation, she began to rack up questions of her own.
“I was here last week,” Bobbi said.
He hung his head. “I was over at the Forest Park shop. Definitely my loss. You look great.”
Oh, Bobbi, don’t you see what’s going on?
“Thanks. I feel good.”
“Lemme guess, a Molly Moroccan.”
“Sounds good. You have me hooked on that, you know.” She pushed her hair behind her ear and smiled, then counted out the dollar bills for her coffee.
The young man set her cup on the counter and swept up the money. He punched a button on his cash register and drew out several coins from the cash drawer. He reached over, held Bobbi’s hand in his right hand and dropped the coins in her palm with his left.
“Baby, your hands are freezing!” he said, dropping his left hand down to cover hers. “I need to get you a second cup just to hold.” Donna cringed.
“I’ll warm up. Thanks, Clay.” Bobbi picked up her coffee and joined Donna at the table.
Lord, give me wisdom. “You had some questions?” Donna asked.
“Phil gave me some homework.” She pulled a notebook from her bag, and laid it on the table. She sipped her coffee as she leafed through it. “Here we go. He had me read Hosea.”
“Oh, that’s the perfect story.”
“But is it telling me I’m supposed to accept things, take Chuck back, and go on? God didn’t give Hosea any options about buying his wife back from the slave market, even though she’d left him to become a prostitute. That’s asking a lot.”
“God asks us to love the way He does, unconditionally, with grace and forgiveness.”
“I don’t know if I can do that. I love Chuck. I will honor my vow to him, but is that enough? It feels like I’m acting out of obligation.”
Donna took a long drink from her coffee and relaxed when the shop owner disappeared through the double doors. “First of all, this struggle is a wonderful thing. You want an authentic marriage, and God will honor that.”
“So we haven’t blown our opportunity?” Bobbi asked.
“Of course not.” Bobbi said ‘we.’ She was already reconciled in her mind, yet she resisted it with everything she had. “Is that the problem?” Donna asked. “Are you afraid God won’t bless your marriage now?”
Bobbi shook her head. “It’s more than that. This is such foreign territory for me, I don’t know how to ...” She dropped her eyes. “I can’t trust God that Chuck won’t do ... something like this again. He’s challenging me to, I know He is, but—”
“What do you want from Him?”
“I want proof Chuck understands what he did, and he won’t do it again.”
“Bobbi, can I share some observations that might be difficult to hear?” Donna pushed her coffee cup aside and leaned up to the table. Bobbi nodded. “Chuck has a weakness. I don’t think there’s any question about that. What I hear, though, is there is no grace for Chuck, but you want every accommodation for your insecurities and weaknesses.”
Bobbi snapped back in her chair as if Donna had slapped her. “That’s not true at all.”
“Let me explain. That man at the counter was flirting with you. Relentlessly. He was out of line.”
She rolled her eyes. “You sound like Chuck.”
“Chuck has seen him?”
“Yes, and he was defensive and jealous.”
Donna smiled. “Chuck reacted that way because he could see what was happening ... because it happened to him.”
“Chuck committed adultery because a woman flirted with him? That’s ludicrous.”
“Lust is not your weakness, Bobbi. You don’t see how enticing it is. You didn’t even recognize what was going on.”
“Because nothing was. You’re both overreacting.”
Donna raised a finger and smiled. “However, your weakness is doing everything yourself because you don’t trust another soul.”
“I trust you ... and Phil ... and Rita and Gavin—”
“And there are two glaring omissions from that list.”
“Chuck and God.” Bobbi frowned and gulped her coffee.
“Honey, you’re demanding a guarantee that Chuck cannot give you, and that God will not give you.”
“After all this, he can’t promise he’ll be faithful? What have we been doing for six months, then?”
“Hey, Hotshot. Gonna grace us with your presence for a day or two?”
Chuck swiveled his office chair around and smiled at Tracy. “This afternoon and all day tomorrow.”
“Gone next week?”
“Flying out Monday, and staying til it’s finished. Round the clock if we have to.”
“Flying? You are the man, now.”
“It’s a commuter hop. Hardly big time.”
“Even so, Gina’s not flying over there.” She walked over and dropped a folder on his desk. “I got the background on Burke County. If you’re good with the angle, I can take care of the details.”
“I’ll take a look at it.” He pulled the folder onto his stack. He could smell her perfume. She’d gotten her hair trimmed, maybe. No suit jacket today, just a sleeveless cotton sweater that accented her tan and her well-defined upper arms. She must go to the gym every day. She had plenty of stamina, that was for sure.
“Hey, are you with me?” she said, waving a hand. “I bet you’re having trouble remembering where you slept last.”
No, he remembered that perfectly. An empty hotel room with just a television for company, and every woman on every show reminded him of her. He thought being with Bobbi this weekend would rid his mind of Tracy, and everything about her. Far from it. Bobbi loved him, but Tracy wanted him, and he ... wanted her.
He tapped the folder on his desk. “I’ll get back with you before the day’s out on this.”
“I’ll look forward to it.”
His eyes followed her out of his office and back down the hall. She had great legs. So did Bobbi. Bobbi. He never called her when he got into the office. He snatched the phone up and dialed his home number.
He had tried his best during the past week to stay on Bobbi’s good side. He called her every night from Kansas City. He made sure he asked about the boys, about school, even about Rita. He wanted to give her every reassurance. On the fourth ring, she picked up.
“You’re back in town?”
“Yeah, if you don’t care, I’m gonna go ahead and stay late tonight to get everything caught up. That way I’ll get home on time tomorrow night.”
“Caught up? What else is there? I thought ServMed was all you had right now.”
“Well, I had a couple of things come up with my regular clients, and Walter’s got me on a new case with one of our young attorneys.”
“Can’t anybody else do that? You’re too busy as it is.”
“Yeah, but I don’t have to do much on this one, just offer some guidance.”
She sighed. “You want me to save you some dinner?”
“No, I have no idea what time I’ll get home.”
“I’ll see you later, then.”
He held the receiver, ready to dial again, when his eyes fell on the framed picture sitting to the left of his computer. His family. Beautiful, devoted wife. Handsome sons. He reached up and lay the picture face down. As long as he didn’t get greedy, they’d never know, they’d never get hurt.
He dialed Tracy’s extension. “Is there any way I can convince you to stay late this evening?”
“Well, I had plans, Chuck.”
“Sure. This is short notice. I understand.” He leaned over his desk, ready to hang up.
“Is there something in particular that you need? Maybe I can take care of it right now.”
“Uh ... no.”
He reached over, ready to hang his phone up once again when she spoke. “Your office?”
“Conference room.”
“I have an appointment, but I’ll be back by six-thirty.”
“I’ll make sure the door’s not locked.”
Chapter 23
Disclosure
Monday, January 16
Bobbi followed Dr. Craig into his office and settled into the now familiar chair across from him.
“Let’s get right into this session,” he said. “We left off talking about your dad, and those years between your mom’s death and his death. How do you feel about your dad?”
Bobbi uncrossed her legs and sat up a little straighter in her chair. So many complex emotions, too much to deal with today. “Disappointed.”
“You love him?”
“Of course.”
“But he let you down.”
Bobbi nodded.
“How? I could guess, or I could tell you, but I want you to answer it.”
“I needed him, and he didn’t even try.”
“What did that do to you?”
She swallowed hard and waited a long moment before responding. He was asking for words she’d never told another person, never spoken aloud. “I felt like I wasn’t worth the effort.”
“That’s not true,” Dr. Craig said, a gentle quietness in his voice.
“What my head knows and what my heart believes are not always in agreement.”
“And you are not alone in that. With young women, especially, so much of their self-image depends on their father, and in your case, your coping skills have all come from him.”
“Or lack of them.”
“I was getting to that,” the doctor said with a slight smile. “He passed on several things that you need to un-learn, the sooner the better.”
“Such as?”
“He taught you that everyone, God included, will leave you to fend for yourself. He taught you to guard yourself, to accept injustice without fighting back, without standing up for yourself.”
“Wait a minute, I don’t think I’m a doormat.”
“No, but you would rather absorb a wrong than redress it.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Bobbi, have you ever argued with your husband? Before the affair.”
“Nobody agrees on everything all the time.”
“Do you ever challenge him?” He leaned forward and looked over the top of his glasses at Bobbi.
“I don’t know what you’re getting at.”
“Give me a minute.” He adjusted his glasses and shifted in his chair. “When you found out he had been unfaithful, and confronted him, did you yell at him?”
“We both raised our voices.”
“Are you afraid to be angry?”
Bobbi flinched at the question. “No.” She leaned back, crossing her legs, doing her best to distance herself.
“I think you are. I think you’re afraid of that ‘out of control’ feeling that comes with anger, and I believe you’re afraid of what your husband will think of you if you get angry.”
Bobbi couldn’t argue with him. She hated when he did that.
“Anger is not a sin, Bobbi. It’s easy to sin when you’re angry, but the anger itself is not a sin. Unresolved anger becomes bitterness, and it will eat away at you, your sanity, and your health until it destroys you.”
Bobbi fixed her eyes on a spot on the wall behind Dr. Craig. She sat motionless, debating, could she trust him? Could she admit to him ...? At last, she murmured, “What if he leaves me?”
“Your husband?”
Bobbi looked Dr. Craig in the eyes. “What if I vent all this anger, and he leaves me?”
“What makes you think he would?”
“He cheated on me. That’s the first step to leaving, isn’t it?”
“Not necessarily, but I can’t speak for your husband. I don’t know what pushed him to infidelity.”
“Neither do I. He’s never been able to explain it.” She stared past the doctor again, returning in her mind to that first confrontation. “That first night, I told him I hated him. He said it was a mistake to have come home, and he walked out. I was panic-stricken.”
“So you pushed all that anger down, and you forgave him.” He paused, then spoke with a sympathetic gentleness she hadn’t heard in her adult life. “Bobbi, that’s not forgiveness. That’s denial. Forgiveness is letting it go—completely. You have to be able to look at your husband as if the affair never happened, and you can’t forgive him until you deal with this anger.” For a long, uncomfortable moment, he left her hanging, then leaned forward in his chair. “Let me make a few summary statements, and you tell me if they are accurate or not. First, your husband sinned against you by committing adultery. Accurate?”
“Yes.”
“If he willfully abandoned you, that would also be a sin against you. Correct?”
“Yes.” Where was he going with this?
“You have a right to be angry when you have been wronged unjustly.”
“Okay.” She crossed her arms and mumbled, “I hate this game.”
“But you play it so well,” he said with a smile. “I know expressing anger is confrontational, and that’s scary to all of us. I also know that being alone is one of the most basic fears humans have.”
“So I’m stuck.”
“How so?”
“Face my fear. Express my anger or live in marital limbo forever.”
Dr. Craig nodded. “Simply put, yes. I don’t think you can move forward until this is taken care of. This is the key.”
“What did you say?”
“I said, this is the key.”
The words of Psalm 142 ran through Bobbi’s mind. ‘Bring my soul out of prison, that I may praise Your name.’ The key.
*******
Wednesday, January 25
Chuck sat in one of Phil’s office chairs, watching the door, waiting for Bobbi. “She’ll be here,” he said. “I’ve never known her to miss an appointment with anybody.”
“I’m not worried,” Phil said.
“I’m afraid selling the house is putting extra pressure on her.”
“We can discuss that.” He made a note, then looked up and smiled. “Good to see you, Bobbi.”
“I’m sorry I’m late. Ted called one of his notorious last minute meetings.” She dropped her bag in the floor behind her chair, and slipped her coat off.
“Here, let me get that,” Chuck said, reaching for her coat. She let him take it, and almost smiled at him. He hung it on the coat rack behind Phil’s door, and the uneasy feeling about today’s session intensified, squeezing his chest.
After an opening prayer, Phil pushed back from his desk. “Don’t hesitate to correct me, but I feel like we’re at an impasse. I’ve been reviewing my notes, and we’ve covered everything more than once.” He shifted in his chair and looked at each of them. “Well, everything except one issue.” Phil dropped his eyes down to his notebook.
“The why,” Bobbi said.
“I think it’s time,” Phil said. “Bobbi, you’ve said from the very beginning that you needed an explanation. Is this still the case?”
“I’d like to hear it from you, Chuck,” she said, turning toward him, “rather than relying on my imagination and the speculations of others. I’m sure you didn’t wake up that morning and decide to commit adultery. I want to hear the process.”
Chuck swallowed hard and nodded. She wasn’t ready, despite what she said, or what Phil believed, but he didn’t know how to postpone it without looking like a weasel. God help me. He dragged his chair around so he could face her.
“Let me say first, that things have changed. I love you in a way I didn’t comprehend before, let alone practice. My feelings have changed. My priorities have changed ... Just don’t use the past to project the future, please.”
He took a deep breath, and glanced at Phil. His pastor’s nod did nothing to calm him. “It started because I was in a stagnated routine.” Bobbi squeezed the arm of her chair, so he tried to explain, to soften the blow.
“That was my fault, I know. I understand now that if I love you the way I should, that can’t happen, but I didn’t. I thought that was what marriage was like after that many years.”
Bobbi’s eyes bored into him and he felt sweat beading across his back and chest. “When Tracy began working at the firm ...” Bobbi flinched when he said Tracy’s name. “I was immediately attracted to her, and because I was emotionally compromised, I didn’t recognize the danger in that. I watched her walk. I noticed what she wore every day. I looked forward to being in meetings with her.” He took another deep breath and dropped his eyes. Please, Bobbi, don’t explode. “And I began to imagine what it would be like to be with her.”
“You mean you began to fantasize about having sex with her,” Bobbi said with sharp disgust.
“Yes,” Chuck whispered. Her eyes narrowed and her grip on the arm of the chair tightened. “This is hard enough. Please, let me get through it.”
“No, I asked to hear this.” She waved her hand for him to keep going.
“The ... lust ... was a mental compromise. Added to the emotional compromise I’d already made, it was just a matter of time before I made a physical compromise, too. Tracy flirted with me, fed my ego.”
Bobbi’s jaw flexed and her eyes locked on his with an unblinking glare.
“I thought things like, ‘Bobbi doesn’t listen to me like this.’ I looked for any excuse I could find to justify my thoughts. ‘She’s all wrapped up in her career now. She doesn’t even need me.’”
