Sister gumbo, p.12
Sister Gumbo, page 12
“Sadly, it doesn’t take much thought and concentration to let you in on what I dislike. Sometimes I need my own private space and I don’t want to be bothered. It would be nice to be able to say to my husband, ‘Can you go take a trip for about a month?’ and not worry about hurting his feelings.
“All marriages have their ups and downs, you just have to work through them. Couples should share in the responsibilities but it’s almost as if when we said ‘I do’ my husband said, ‘I don’t do that anymore.’ A good example of this is when his sisters’ birthdays come around. It became, ‘Okay, make sure you get them a gift and a card,’ and I don’t feel I should have to do that just because I’m his wife. Small things like that add up.
“Also, it seems like my husband is under the impression that it’s my responsibility to do all the cleaning. I don’t think he’s ever dusted or cleaned the bathroom and I work full-time just like he does. He’s never said he expects for me to do it but he doesn’t help so to me that means he expects for me to take care of it.
“He does do the things that men typically do like empty the trash and has the nerve to tell me that if I want him to do some of those other things around the house, just ask him. I constantly tell him, ‘Why do I have to ask you? You live here too; you walked over that spot on the floor, why can’t you wipe it up?’ He says, ‘I didn’t even see that spot,’ which I don’t understand because if you bend over and pick up something and there’s a spot right next to whatever it is you’re picking up, how do you not see that? Is that a problem that only men have?” Jessica raised her brows in question. “Something like that frustrates the hell out of me.
“I don’t know what the future holds for us, who’s to say what could happen. Sometimes you grow apart and sometimes you don’t have the same interests or goals that you used to. If he walked out tomorrow I can’t say that I would be surprised but I also can’t say that I would sit on the couch and whine and cry either. I might be sad but I’d have to move on. I think of it like this: if he walked out of here tomorrow, what would I have to do to make this household run? The answer to that question, sadly enough, is that I’d have to roll that trash out to the end of the driveway, that’s about it.
“I’d have to learn how to use the riding lawn mower or change the filter in the air conditioner and I’m sure I could hire somebody to do that. But things like maintenance for my car? I take care of it anyway. If he walked out tomorrow, the twins would cry and be sad but all I’d say is, ‘Don’t cry, you’ll see him every other weekend, don’t worry about it.’ Nothing would change in my household or my schedule except that he currently picks the kids up from school, so all I’d have to do is swing by the school myself, no problem.
“I can honestly say that I know I do my part around here. He’s the one who needs to work at trying to do more. If the tables were turned, I would make myself more responsible and accountable for things in the household to such an extent that I’m needed. But he acts as if he doesn’t care; he’s just too comfortable.
“I’ve heard all that talk about not starting what you can’t finish”—Jessica curled her lips—“but when we first started out he did more. I worked long hours and he would get off at a set time every day and by the time I got home he would’ve at least cooked or washed a load of clothes. I can’t say he ever cleaned, but the other things were a trade-off so I didn’t mind doing that part. Then he got a job where he worked longer hours, but it was still just the two of us so in my free time, when I was at home and he was working, I didn’t have anything else to do but clean and then sit around and read a book or something.
“Once we had the twins, it seemed like I took on all the extra responsibility that comes with having children and he didn’t take on any so the relationship changed. I didn’t start out doing everything I just think it was a result of normal lifestyle changes, which adds to your responsibilities. However, I took on those added responsibilities while he didn’t.
“I believe the only reason our marriage works is because I have a lot of tolerance. I used to have much more than I do now though because now I just get tired and start issuing ultimatums. I’m like, ‘Look, you have to help do something around here.’” Jessica slapped the glass tabletop with her palm. Apparently she wasn’t afraid of breaking the top. “‘I shouldn’t have to ask you every time I need something done, that’s like having another child.’ I have to ask, ‘Did you mop the floor, did you throw a load of clothes into the washer when you came home before you started playing on the computer? It’s not really that hard, honey, the machine’s doing the washing, not you.’ I’m afraid that one day I’ll get to a point where I’ll say, ‘You know what? I’m tired, I’d probably get more rest and have more energy if we were apart and you had the kids every other weekend because at least then I’d have some free time to myself.’” Jessica sighed and poured herself another glass of sangria.
“Sometimes I resent the way he acts and I think we might be better off in two separate households. I could see him when I needed to see him, if you know what I mean.
“I talked to my gynecologist the other day and she told me, ‘Okay, you need to make a list. Put on your list the things you can change, the things you can modify, and the things you can’t change. The things you can modify, try to modify. Let’s say for example your husband throws his dirty socks on the floor every day. You’re probably thinking, “Why can’t he take the socks to the laundry room and put them in the hamper?” You need to have a hamper close by the area where he currently throws his socks, and you tell him, “Here’s your hamper. You put your socks in here and make sure that it gets put in the laundry room or else your socks just don’t get washed,” so you’re modifying it and he knows that if he doesn’t do that he’ll have to wash his own socks.’
“She said, ‘You’d think as a doctor I would be stressed because I could have four women in labor; two in one hospital and two in another but you know what, I figure that I can only do so much because I’m only one person. So I take a deep breath and take it as it comes. You have to learn to prioritize. You need to assign different people responsibilities and tell them that it’s up to them to make sure those things get done. You’re probably afraid that you’ll hurt people’s feelings but if the only way things are going to get better is for you to tell them, then so be it. And whatever you say you need, you’re going to have to stick to it, and not waiver, or you’ll just go back to the way things used to be. Once you say what you have to say, that’s it, just move on.’
“I thought about it and it made sense so I took her advice and it’s even working a little bit. It was like she’d been reading my mind because just that morning I’d told my husband about leaving his clothes on the floor. He takes his clothes off in the evening and puts them in a pile on the floor right next to his closet. Then, in the morning he gets up, goes to start the coffee, comes back to take a shower, goes back to the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee, comes back to the room to finish getting dressed, then back to the kitchen to pack his lunch.
“That’s three times he’s been close enough to the laundry room and the last time he comes in here, if he has a towel or something from the bathroom, he drops it off at that same pile, goes to the kitchen to pick up his lunch, and walks out the door.
“I am not kidding you. I swear to God.” Jessica held up her right hand. “I swear. I swear. I swear,” Jessica said seriously. “I swear to you and it’s not like I’ve said anything just once, twice, or three times, I’ve said things four times because it happens all the time. He would let the hamper overflow at the apartment we lived in before we bought this house instead of just taking the hamper to the laundry room so this is nothing new. I even tried the tactic of just taking my dirty clothes and leaving his, and his clothes would lay on that floor for a week until I finally had to say, ‘Every night you help me make sure that our kids take their dirty clothes to the laundry room and you can’t put yours in there? You act like something is wrong with you.’
“My other complaint is that he’s very selfish. He believes that people should do things for him but he doesn’t feel that he should have to return the favor. If my dirty clothes were lying on the floor with his and I asked him to carry the dirty clothes to the laundry room, he would sort through the clothes, pick out his, and leave mine lying there, I kid you not.
“Or I’ll have a glass of water on the nightstand and I’ll have left it there for two days. You know I’m not going to drink that water right? His cup will be right next to it and he’ll get his cup and put it in the dishwasher but do you think he picks up my glass? Hell no, he acts like he can only see out of one eye and that’s the one he sees his cup with.
“I try to rationalize it by telling myself that he acts that way because he’s the youngest child in his family and he was used to his sisters taking care of him but that wears thin too. If I ask him to do something, he’ll do it but he’ll do it with an attitude and I don’t want him to do it if he’s going to have an attitude, which is probably fine with him.
“We can be sitting at the table, finished eating dinner, and here’s my plate and here are the children’s plates”—Jessica motions to the table—“and he’ll get up from the table and take his plate and leave the children’s plates like he doesn’t even see them. He’ll leave them there for me to pick up and it just pisses me off.
“If we go somewhere as a family, he gets up in just enough time just to get himself ready, so if we have to be there at 10:00 A.M., then I’m getting up at 7:30 A.M. or 8:00 A.M. so I can get the twins ready, and he’s getting up at 9:15 A.M. Shit like that causes resentment and in so many words I’ve told him that.
“I’m like, ‘You do shit like this and then you want to have sex with me? I’m not even feeling you so don’t expect me to roll over. Here I have to take care of you like I have to take care of my children but I don’t sleep with my children. So that’s why I say if he had somebody else down the street and he packed up his shit and left I’d say, ‘Bye.’” Jessica smacked her palms together, then waved. “Kick mud but don’t forget to come get your kids next weekend.
“He used to say when we first got married, ‘I bet if we divorced you’d act a fool.’ I probably would’ve then but now”—Jessica slowly pulled a napkin toward her—‘Baby, you slide that paper over here and see how fast I sign it.’ I could be a nag or I could be a bitch but I choose not to be because that’s not my nature; I don’t have time to yell and scream and fight. I told my doctor, ‘You know what? My husband is lucky to be alive this morning because I almost threw a frying pan right at his head.’ But what good would that do? I might have broken my window and upset my kids.
“I don’t think that there is anything else I could do to make the marriage better.” Jessica let out a deep breath and tilted her head sideways. “I think I’m doing enough. I’m doing more than enough and I’m not adding another thing to my list. The only thing I could do different is stand up in the middle of the bed butt naked and dance, but what is that going to do to help make my marriage better? It might bring satisfaction just for the moment but then what?
“Now, if I thought that I could give sex to get other things done around here it would be different, but I’m not doing that because if I give all this sex then he’s going to expect it and I want a return on my investment so why bargain with sex? My heart wouldn’t even be in it. I’m not going to bargain with sex so he’ll vacuum. Uh-uh.… I just don’t see it.
“My husband just needs to step up to the plate. When the oil needs to be changed in my car, change my damn oil. Don’t give me no excuse like, ‘Well, you in it.’ Come get it from the parking lot at my job or take it on Saturday. You make an appointment to go get your hair cut, make an appointment to go change my oil. My children even know what the oil-changing place looks like because I have to drag them along with me and the same thing goes for the car wash. I don’t even ask him to wash my car because I don’t want to hear his excuses. I go and pay somebody else twenty dollars, which is a damn shame, but I’m tired of asking.
“One day I got a serious attitude. I said to myself, ‘You know what. I ought to find me a nigga who will keep my car clean and the oil changed and my husband bet’ not ask me shit about my damn car. But then he wouldn’t be able to get no coochie either ’cause the “fix-it man” would be getting it, and then I really couldn’t live with him.’”
SADIE, FIFTY-SOMETHING
“Young folk don’t take marriage as seriously as they should. I’ve been married quite a few years and it hasn’t all been roses. Young people don’t put enough effort into making a marriage work; to them marriage is more of a sex thing than anything else. They feel like all they got to do is work their ass just right in bed, do this and that and holler, ‘What’s my name,’ and that will make the marriage work. That’s not what marriage is. It’s a give and take and you have to do a lot of giving to make it work.
“It’s not going to be all fun and games or a party every night. Marriage is not like that. To have a strong marriage you have to be willing to give, you have to be willing to listen, and you have to be able to talk. You need to understand that your significant other is an individual as well and everybody needs space so don’t smother one another.
“I think part of the problem is there has been too much free loving and living together, and divorce and welfare, and children see all of this and think that’s the normal way of life. I think we should get back to the old way where if you get married, you marry to stay. Now if that man starts beating on you or something like that, then you need to do something else but if it’s just a little infidelity or if he stays out real late or drinks a little too much you should be able to work through that, that is no reason to get a divorce,” Sadie repeated firmly.
“If a person is out there in the streets every day and not coming home and not taking care of you and the family, and by taking care of I mean financially, then it’s time to go. Most of the time you don’t even know for sure that he’s been unfaithful. It’s usually from what somebody told you, or what you think, or you smell a woman’s perfume on him or something like that. And if you do know for certain that the other person is cheating, I think you should work a little bit harder to find out why. What’s lacking at home to make that person feel they need to go with someone else? And don’t say there’s nothing lacking because ninety percent of the time there is and you need to work on that instead of just going and filing for divorce ’cause it’s entirely too easy to get a divorce these days.
“Some of the toughest times in my marriage were when I had to deal with my husband’s infidelity, him not being there when I needed him and not being able to talk about our problems. There was always an argument but I dealt with that. Today a woman would say, ‘Why don’t you just kiss my ass then,’ and she’d keep on stepping but I’ve had times where he was gone and I mean gone for days. We weren’t separated, he’d just be out doing his thing and I wouldn’t know where he was but when you have children you think okay, what’s worse? Starting all over again and bringing in a brand-new man over my children or staying with my husband because I know what he will do. I don’t know what that next one will do but I know what this one will do. The next one may beat me up or give all his money to other women so you have to think about what’s best for everybody, not just you. I’m glad I stayed because it worked out and that’s my whole point, you have to work through the hard times in a marriage if you want to make it work.
“There are men who have affairs, there are men who can’t talk so they argue, and there are men who don’t want a woman to speak her mind or know too much. Some men have problems with a woman making more money than they do. All of these things can cause problems in marriage and you have to realize and just deal with it.
“If he’s doing something you don’t like, you don’t have to put up with it. You need to put a stop to it right at the beginning and make your needs and expectations known. Even if you have to go and join some organizations and be away from home sometimes yourself that’s okay. See most of the time when a man is doing his thing, it’s because the wife is sitting at home, nursing the babies, looking all ugly, cooking and cleaning and not taking care of herself. Start doing things for yourself. You don’t have to go out and find no man to make yourself feel good, just do some of the things that you enjoyed before you got married because you are still an individual.
“I’m not saying that’s always the reason men have affairs, some of them are just assholes,” Sadie said, looking serious. “You can be the prettiest thing he’s seen in his life and he’ll still screw around on you, if that’s what he wants to do. Haven’t you ever seen a man married to a pretty woman go out and have an affair with a woman not half as pretty? That’s because men have a one-track mind. They really don’t care how the woman looks, they just want more, they want different. And that’s another thing, you have to do different things to keep your marriage interesting, you can’t get in a rut. I don’t care if it’s sex or whatever, the same thing you did to get that man is what you need to keep on doing but most wives won’t.
“She’ll say, ‘Well, I got him now. My hair can be all over my head, I can put on my makeup every other day instead of every day,’ that kind of thing. But no, he liked what he got and you have to keep it like that, you have to keep it going. You can’t start off having sex every day when you’re dating and then get married and say, ‘I’m tired, I got to go in here and cook and I been working all day so don’t be looking for nothing else when I’m ready to go to bed.’ You were working every day when you met him, so that’s just an excuse. I’ll tell any young woman, don’t start something you can’t finish.
“I think when women become mothers they get a whole new set of priorities and sex is no longer one of them. Men don’t understand that but women need to remember that they had that man before they had those kids. Love your children and take care of them but remember that they have a place and the husband has a place. Even if you have to say, ‘Baby, I’m tied up with the kids right now, but if you’ll help me get them to bed a little early the rest of the night is yours.’ That man is going to stay there because he’s got something to look forward to.
