Sister gumbo, p.33
Sister Gumbo, page 33
“I’m willing to go all the way if someone I know needs me, but as far as letting people hurt me over and over again, not anymore. If I can’t tell you how I feel, I don’t need you in my life. Nobody has the right to force their opinions and their views on me and then not give me the right to say what I feel, that’s not fair and it’s unhealthy to be in a relationship like that.
“If I can’t express my feelings, then I’m holding all this stuff in and I’ve got all this animosity, and nine times out of ten I’m taking it out on somebody who doesn’t have anything to do with it rather than directing it to where it needs to be. I decided a long time ago that I wasn’t going to hold my feelings in anymore and even though I tell people how I feel, I don’t think that makes me a bad person. I have a heart of gold, but I’m not going to let other people keep chipping away at it until there’s nothing left for me, not anymore.”
SPIRITUALITY
ALICIA, FORTY-SOMETHING
“To me being spiritual means to live your faith. It’s wonderful to believe in God, that’s all well and good, but I believe that you actually have to walk the walk and talk the talk. If you actually live and breathe what you believe, then that’s being spiritual. Just going to church and mouthing the scripture doesn’t make you a Christian and neither does singing in the choir and working on the usher board. You can practically live at that church, be there all day Sunday and go back for Sunday evening prayer meeting or whatever, but if you aren’t actually living like a Christian in your everyday life, you’re talking about people, being hateful, being mean, if you’re going to church but you’re still doing all that you’re just wasting your time.
“As a Christian I know that I need to go to church more and talk to God more often. It’s amazing how we don’t turn to God the way we need to unless it’s in times of trouble. As long as things are going well, I barely talk to Him but as soon as something bad happens like this thing with my daughter, I find myself talking to Him every day and you know what, He’s always there, just patiently waiting for me to come to Him with my troubles. He never ever gets tired of listening to me. It is so much easier for a person to ask for help than to remember to thank God for the many good things in life. I guess I need to learn how to complain less and count my blessings more. I’m sure God would appreciate that.”
VALEKA, FIFTY-SOMETHING
“Being spiritual is being God-fearing and loving other people as God loves me. It means caring about others, even when they don’t measure up to what I think they should, and it means helping those in need when I have the ability to do so.
“It doesn’t mean you have to go to church every Sunday. You can still be Christ-like by doing the things the Bible says you should do. Doing little things like making a phone call to an elderly or sickly person is a demonstration of being spiritual. When I do something like that, it just makes me feel good, and I know that I get that good feeling because the Holy Spirit is pleased with me. I feel that God has a purpose for my being here; He created each of us for something specific, and our lives are much fuller and happier when we are participating with Him to accomplish that purpose.
“I could always focus on trying to do better in my spiritual life, all of us could. I probably should make more of a commitment to community service, but you know how it is, we’re so busy that we have to make time for those things.
“I’m always prepared to have prayer with someone if that’s what is needed. The Bible tells us that there will always be those among us who are less fortunate. I try to always keep in mind that I’m wonderfully blessed, and not because I’ve done anything special, but because of God’s grace and mercy. I never want to look down on anyone and think that I’m a bigger or better Christian, because I’m not. I’m still working toward being more obedient to God’s will each day, and sometimes it’s not easy because I’m human and I want to do things my way. There is always room for improvement.”
TAMIA, THIRTY-SOMETHING
“I think being spiritual is believing there is someone or some being out there who is more important than anyone else, who looks out for all of our needs and even our wants. He’s someone to talk to when you can’t talk to anyone else, and I try to talk to Him every day. I’ll say, ‘Thank you for my job, even though I’m complaining that these people are getting on my last nerve, thank you for letting me have a job to come to,’ or ‘Thank you for my family and thank you for my health,’ things like that. I may not get on my knees and pray every day, but I still talk to Him and usually I don’t ask for things, I’m mostly thanking Him for what He has already given me.
“Even though l don’t go to church, I know that I’m a spiritual person. I know the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, and I have high standards and good morals so I’m at peace with myself. That’s more than what some people who live in the church can say. I’m a black-and-white type of person meaning, if I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing on a daily basis, then I’m not going to be going to church and trying to teach Sunday school. That causes too much conflict and I don’t like to have conflict within myself.”
SADIE, FIFTY-SOMETHING
“I believe you need a higher power to keep you going. Everyone needs that because otherwise you’d be walking the line, and you can’t survive living that way. I’m a very God-fearing person. Although I’m not perfect, I’m a God-fearing woman and God knows that so I don’t have to pretend. I can sit right here and talk to God just as I would if I was in church, so I don’t think I need to go to church every day. That’s not necessary, but many people get so caught up in the building and the activities and all that go on in the church that they feel they need to be there every time the doors open. God is not concerned about how many times a week you go to church, He’s concerned about what’s in your heart. He’s not going to bless Sister Tina, who goes to church three nights a week, any more than He’s going to bless me if I only go on Sunday, because we can’t work for our blessings.
“All you have to do is believe in Him, really and truly believe in Him, and believe that with Him in your life, running things His way, all things are possible for you. I definitely think that every member in the house should be a member of a church, especially the children, because things in the world have gotten so bad these days that if they don’t know God, they’ll have nowhere to turn if they mess up and Mama and Daddy aren’t around to tell them what to do. I know that for me, my relationship with God has helped me through many tough times. No matter when I need Him, He’s always there, never asleep, never ignoring us, always forgiving, and always loving us unconditionally, even when we mess up really bad. What more can we ask for?
“Even though my husband never sets foot in a church, I tried to make sure my kids were there because I never wanted them to say that I didn’t try to make sure they were spiritually grounded. That is a huge responsibility, which l think more parents should take seriously.
“Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of growing to do myself, and I could always improve on a few things. A good example is my interpretation of the Bible. Sometimes I read things and think I understand, and then I go and hear someone else explain it and it’s not the way I thought it was at all, so I’d love to go to some Bible classes so that I can have a better understanding. You know how it is when you’re talking about something in the Bible with someone at church, and one person will say one thing that just messes up what you thought, and then you get all confused. You hate to ask too many questions because you don’t want people to think you’re stupid. So you just sit there and think, ‘I’d better keep my mouth shut because that’s not what I thought about this thing and I’ll look like a fool if I start telling them what I thought.’ Just like when you’re in church and the pastor tells you to turn to a certain book of the Bible and you don’t know exactly where it’s at. You might ask somebody, ‘What did he say, which book?’ like you really didn’t understand him, and the whole time you’re looking to see what page they’re on so you don’t have to go to your index to find it. There have even been times I’ve wanted to say, ‘You sure that book is in my Bible,’ because I just couldn’t find it.”
JESSICA, THIRTY-SOMETHING
“To me, being spiritual means having a strong faith in God and believing and acting, as His word says that we should. When I was young, one of my parents was Catholic and one was Methodist. They combined and became Lutheran, but I don’t know how that happened. The first church experience I can remember is when we went to this white Lutheran church, and they sang songs like ‘Michael Rowed the Boat Ashore, Hallelujah,’ and that was hard to get into because it was so boring. My mom said I enjoyed going to Sunday school, church, and Wednesday night service, but l really don’t remember that part. I do remember the church and what it looked like because it wasn’t your traditional church. The outside looked like an office building, but when you went inside there were chairs instead of pews. I think it was called an interdenominational church, which meant that when you walked through the front door, the different religions went into different rooms to worship. You know the Baptists went to one room, the Jewish were in another area, and so on. There were pulpits and a choir stand in each room, but because of the way it looked, it was just different. By the time I was in junior high school, we still went to church but we didn’t go every Sunday, and we never read the Bible at home or had family prayer time and stuff like that, so it’s not like I’ve practiced religion my whole life.
“When I was in high school I started dating this guy who was Methodist, so I went to church with him and I was like, ‘Ooh, thank God, this is my kind of church.’ It was a black church and I loved to go because the singing and the music was good. I did listen to the word when I went, but most churches don’t speak directly to the different age groups and you kind of get lost in what the sermon is about. Most of the time I would listen to the sermon but when I walked out I couldn’t even tell you what it was about, because they never made it relative to my life on terms I could understand. But it was still nice because of the atmosphere in the church, and because after church we’d go out to eat and stuff like that, so I enjoyed it. Then when I graduated from high school I went to a college where the only time I even read or talked about church was when I had to take religion as a freshman. I didn’t have a car and none of the kids I hung out with belonged to a church off campus, so I never went. I didn’t even start attending again until after I graduated from college. I really didn’t have the normal, African-American, go-to-church kind of upbringing that most people my age had.
“I do attend church now, but I really should go more often. I’d like to find a church with children’s services so that my children could go and get something out of it too, and not have to put them in a nursery or have them sit there and sleep through church because they don’t understand what’s being said. I don’t think it’s important to go to church just so people can say you came if all you’re doing is sitting there babysitting your children. When I do go, I barely hear anything because I’m too busy telling my kids to sit still, or sit up, while I’m passing out Cheerios and juice to keep them from acting wild. I can actually just stay home and watch church on TV and get more out of it, so that’s usually what I do. I watch it on TV and read my Bible, and I feel more satisfied than I do when I actually attend church. So what, I drive way across town to go sit in the church and not hear anything, just so I can say I went. What good does that do?
“I’ve tried taking my kids to Sunday school so that at least they’d get something out of the experience, but they told me they only like to go to Sunday school if they don’t have to stay for church, because it just lasts too long. I can’t get mad at them at all because it really does last too long, even for adults, but my husband doesn’t want to change churches, which I think is a little selfish. I told him that if it means we have to go to different churches in order for the entire family to get what we need, then that’s what we need to do because the church we go to now is the one he grew up in, and I just don’t get anything out of it. We are a family and we should be attending the same church together even if it means he has to move.
“I mean they almost hold you hostage. You’re there all day because they don’t have an audience until Sunday. They hold church until l:30 P.M., then have the nerve to want you to come back for something else at 3:00 P.M., and I think that’s ridiculous. You know, you spend all day Saturday grocery shopping, washing, cleaning, and stuff like that to get prepared for the next week, so Sunday is really the only day you have to spend with your family. It’s nice to start the day with your family in church, but I just don’t think it needs to take all day. I look at some of my white friends who go to church and they’re there an hour, hour and a half max, and then they’re out of there for the rest of the day. They heard the same word and can apply it to their life the same way we do, but it didn’t take them all day. You go to my church, which starts at ll:00 A.M., but the pastor doesn’t even get up to speak until l2:30 or l2:45 P.M. They take up two or three offerings, then ask you to give money for something you’ve never even heard of, but we never build a bigger church, and the parking lot has so many holes you could almost fall into one with your nice heels on. Why can’t we do things with the tithes we give like other churches do? I don’t understand.
“Like I said, the part I like is the singing and the music, so I don’t want to lose that by attending a church where the music is monotone and boring. But it doesn’t take an hour to do announcements and thank you’s and all that kind of stuff. Why can’t people just read the program for themselves anyway? Then, when they open the doors of the church for people to join, they need to understand that if someone wants to come, they’re coming. You don’t need to stand up there and say, ‘I know I’m feeling somebody out there who wants to come. Don’t be ashamed, just get on up and let the Lord have His way,’ and all that. Sometimes I get so mad I feel like standing up on the pew and yelling, ‘Hey, they ain’t coming so let’s just move on ’cause it’s time to go home.’ So, why should I go sit up in the church if I feel like that?
“The other thing is that I know we’re not supposed to be judging other people, but I’ve heard so many bad things about some of the people in that church that it’s hard for me to sit there and look them in the face. What good is it if I’m sitting there thinking negative thoughts? One of their associate pastors has such a bad reputation for being a womanizer that I don’t feel he can tell me anything. That’s like the blind leading the blind so it would be better if I didn’t even know about his past. I’m not perfect, I can’t judge anybody, and I know God forgives you for these things, but still, I think that’s so hypocritical.
“I sit close to the back of the church since I have little children who always need to go to the rest room, and the teenagers sit right in front of me and talk through the whole service. They ain’t hearing nothing nobody is saying except their little friends next to them. The parents are making them come every week and what for? That’s why they need to have programs for these kids, they need something to do and they need to learn something too, otherwise they don’t feel like a part of the church. Last year someone got smart and decided to let the teens do their own program for Christmas and it was just fabulous. No adults involved, just the kids, and they did a wonderful job because they felt like they were contributing. There was none of that old boring stuff that the old folks in the church are used to, acting like they were never kids and like they never had any fun.
“And finally, what really gets to me is you can’t even wear pants. Why? They say, ‘Come as you are,’ but then turn around and say, ‘But women can’t wear pants, or shirts with no sleeves, and don’t dare come in here without any panty hose on because we might not say anything to you but we’ll talk about you so bad behind your back that you’ll probably feel the knives sticking you.’ Girl, I have heard them talking, right there in the church. I mean, does wearing a pair of pants mean that you can’t hear what the pastor is saying? Sure, we need to be mindful of the fact that we are in a place of worship and we should be respectful and use good judgment in the way we dress, but are we really going to hell if we wear pants? I don’t think so.
“Then again, these young girls are out there so bad I can sometimes understand why the dress codes are so strict in some churches. I recently visited a church where the pastor either closes his eyes during his entire sermon, or wears a blindfold. He explained it by saying, ‘We say come as you are, but, ladies, I’m a man, and there are other men in here, and you can’t be coming up in here with the same dress on that you wore to the club last night. You know, the one that’s cut so low you have to keep pulling it up, and then it’s so short that you can’t even cross your legs, and the back is all out with them cute little strings crisscrossing everywhere? That’s the one I’m talking about. If you don’t have any respect for yourself, at least have some respect for the house of the Lord and for your sisters and brothers in Christ. It’s just a shame the way some of ya’ll dress on Sunday mornings, then you wonder why you can’t find a respectful, churchgoing man who wants to marry you. Don’t get mad now, you know I’m telling the truth and the Bible says the truth shall make you free. If you want to get free from pulling at your clothes, buy some that fit right and not tight.’ Girl, everybody in that church fell out laughing because even the ones he was talking to couldn’t deny that he was telling the truth.”
AYOKA, THIRTY-SOMETHING
“Now that I’m a Christian, I’ve decided that I’m going to try to the best of my ability to live according to God’s word, and that’s a tall order. See, once you have that knowledge, it’s hard because you can’t use the excuse that you don’t know better. You feel really guilty when you do something wrong once you know better, so I’m working on that right now. I’ve been so blessed, but I know that this relationship with my boyfriend is not right, even though I love him, so that’s my biggest hurdle.
