Sister gumbo, p.7
Sister Gumbo, page 7
“Most men, notice I didn’t say all, but most men, still don’t define dating the way women do. They think that all dates lead to sex, even if all they buy you is a cheeseburger. Seriously, even mature men who are not naive enough to think it will happen on the first or second date expect to be jumping up and down in your coochie by the third date. With all the stuff going around these days, a few dates just isn’t enough time for me to get that intimate with someone.”
VICKY, FORTY-SOMETHING
Vicky is originally from New Jersey. A slender woman with shoulder-length black hair and hazel eyes, she’s about five feet nine inches tall, with a slim waist and legs that seem to go on forever. Her basic outfits consist of short black skirts, black tights, and vivid-colored T-shirts. Today the shirt was a cobalt blue. She was the only one at the table even making an attempt at eating healthy, which is probably why she looked so good in that skirt and tights.
Vicky is the divorced mother of a girl and a boy ages nine and eleven. The children were currently spending spring break with their father so she was enjoying her temporary freedom. Just getting out with friends to have a drink or two, eat Mexican food that was so good it made you want to slap somebody, and talk about some of her life experiences wasn’t something she got to do very often.
Before we got started, we had the waitress take our orders because we didn’t want any interruptions. Vicky ordered Latino Stir Fry, which is a meal that consists solely of stir-fried vegetables, but me, I had to have meat so I ordered the chicken fajitas. After all, how fattening could chicken be? I chose to ignore the calories in the chips drenched with salsa that I popped into my mouth every minute or so and told myself that I wasn’t calorie counting today, which of course is why I can’t lose these extra pounds. But regardless of all that, I was going to eat some Mexican food today and I was going to enjoy the hell out of it.
To start things off, we ordered a round of frozen margaritas and asked for some warm corn tortillas and butter. Baby, you haven’t lived until you’ve eaten warm tortillas slathered with butter, a sprinkling of salt, and salsa. Heaven … We did say no to the queso when the waitress offered it as an appetizer. I was going off my diet temporarily but I hadn’t completely lost my mind and I knew if I’d said yes and she sat that hot bowl of melted cheese in front of me I probably would’ve hurt myself.
Vicky was excited about being interviewed so she began talking while we waited for the margaritas. “Let me tell you what I think about dating. Dating is what you do with someone you want more than just friendship with, but that doesn’t mean it has to be serious, and I think men should pay for the date because I’m old-fashioned. Even if I weren’t old-fashioned I still think men should pay until you get to know each other better. Once the relationship becomes serious and you two are dating each other exclusively, I think it’s okay to buy dinner for him on special occasions or bring dinner over, or make dinner at your house. Also things like buying movie tickets or tickets to the theater, or buying the tickets if you invite him to your company Christmas party is okay.
“Of course, I was married for twelve years, so dating was weird and very scary after I got my divorce, because I never even thought about dating while I was going through it. That was not a priority for me nor was it something I was looking forward to. I actually didn’t think I would even want to date, but I did, and I do, and it’s nice most of the time. Really, dating has made me feel better about myself because it lets me know that men are still interested.
“The best dates I have are not the ones where I dress up and go to some fancy restaurant. It’s the simple ones, like picnics in the park, that I enjoy the most. You know, packing up a picnic basket and going to a nice park, and sitting there on a blanket drinking a bottle of wine, talking and laughing, and getting close and personal. And let me mention that just because you’re dating doesn’t mean you have sex with that person right away, not in my opinion. Of course for some people, especially men, sex and dating go together, but I think as you mature that shouldn’t be the case. Besides, if I had sex with every guy I dated, I’d just be a little whore I guess. But sex is not the only thing I’m looking for in a relationship, so I like to take my time and see where things are going before I get involved sexually.
“I have had a few bad dates, although I’ve not had many of those kind, and they’re usually not with someone that you date over and over again. It usually happens as soon as you open the door and look at him, or sometime during the first date with him, and you know right away that you don’t want to see him again. I know instantly when I see somebody if I’m interested in them or not. For instance, I like tall men, and one time somebody fixed me up with this blind date. When I asked what he looked like my friend said, ‘Oh, he’s tall, probably about six-one, real nice, never been married, no kids, just a nice guy.’ So I said okay and when this guy came to my door—you had to see him with your own eyes; he was about five-five, which is shorter than I am, and I probably weighed more than he did. He had his pants pulled up to his chest, and was just standing there looking crazy as hell, and here I was about to go out with him, damnit.” Vicky grimaced.
“He did turn out to be kind of nice, but he was just too weird for me. I found out that he’d been married twice, had two kids who he had custody of, and he liked to go out and drive these big trucks through mud—I think you call it ‘mudding.’ He asked me if I’d like to go along with him one day, and the hair on the back of my neck must have stood straight up. Before I answered, I was saying to myself, ‘I don’t think there’s a chance in hell that you’re ever going to be coming to my door again, buddy,’ but I responded nicely, in the negative. Then I sat through the rest of the night thinking, ‘I cannot wait to get home and away from this Poindexter-looking weirdo.’ I’m just picky, and I know I’m picky, but I don’t care. I don’t want to settle for being with anyone who doesn’t suit me. If I end up alone, then that’s fine because at least I can say I didn’t settle.
“Now, back to sex on the first date, I haven’t had any dates with guys who just came right out and started the night off trying to take me to bed, and I guess that’s because I am so picky about who I date. But I did go on a date with one guy who was a pilot for one of the major airlines. He made a lot of money and had been with this company for about thirty years, so he was well established. Well, during dinner, he started going on and on about his dogs trying to have sex which I thought was very inappropriate for a first date. To make matters worse, it was a double date and the other guy, who was his friend, was just as obnoxious. He started acting stupid, and talking silly, and laughing all loud as if discussing two dogs having sex was really funny. Thank God I’d driven my own car and met them there, because by 9:00 P.M. I could not stand him or his friend for another minute. I stood up and said, ‘You know what? It’s been very nice to meet you and thank you for dinner, but I have to leave,’ and I just walked out.
“Who in their right mind would sit there and talk about dogs trying to have sex, in front of two ladies they hardly even know? Damn fool was probably into bestiality and wanted to see if he could get a willing partner, you never know these days.
“So far I’ve only dated one guy who I was really crazy about since I’ve been divorced. He was a big guy, he kind of reminded me of Mr. Big on Sex and the City. When I first saw him I thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen in my life. I am telling you, I just went crazy over him. He used to come to my office and talk all the time, and I was instantly attracted to him but I never said a word, even though I’d been separated for about six months at that time. He knew I was separated and that I was in no hurry to date, so we just talked off and on at work for about seven or eight months. We’d talk about divorce and all that kind of stuff, and during that time my sister became very sick and he was right there talking to me and helping me through it. I wanted to fly home to see her, but my soon to be ex-husband had taken all the money out of our savings account and I was flat broke.
“He offered to pay for whatever I needed. That made me even more crazy about him, but he had no idea. Later, when we started dating he told me that whenever he used to come into my office, he’d get flustered, and that’s the reason it took him so long to ask me out. Of course that made me feel good because I didn’t know he felt that way. He said, ‘Women never make me nervous, but you made me so nervous that I used to sweat each and every time I would come to your office. The first time I saw you I knew that you were the woman for me.’
“I’d love to have a wonderful end to this story, but even though we really cared for each other we ended up breaking up because we both had different ideas for what we wanted in a marriage. He’d been married before, but had been divorced for a long time, and had never had any kids. When we first started dating he was still dating other women, which was fine, but after a while we started to date exclusively. He really wanted to get married and have children of his own, even though he loved my children, but I was almost forty years old and didn’t want to have any more kids. He kept telling me how much he cared for me, but he really wanted to have a baby. I’d had such a hard time with my pregnancies that I’d had my tubes tied after my last child was born because the doctor suggested that I not even try to have another baby.
“I even thought about having my surgery reversed, but I just couldn’t do it. I mean, what if I died trying to have another baby? What would happen to my children? I had to consider that because the doctor had already warned me, so my choices were very limited, if I had any at all. It broke my heart to have to give him up, but it just wouldn’t have been fair for me to marry him knowing that I could not give him what he wanted. He ended up marrying the first girl he dated after we broke up and even though he’s been married a couple of years they haven’t had any babies yet.
“I still see him whenever he visits my agency and I still enjoy talking to him when I see him, but my heart doesn’t flutter the way it used to. I know he belongs to another woman and I would never want to put someone else through what I went through, so married men are not on my list of available men.
“I guess I would have to say dating is fun because I get to do all the different things that I wouldn’t normally do by myself. Things like going to a really nice restaurant and just sitting and talking all night, or doing that picnic at the park thing, I like that. But what I dislike is when the man you’re dating wants you there all the time. You know, at first they say, ‘I don’t want to get all involved and clingy,’ but then if you’re not right there when they want you to be, they get upset about it. Some of them want to see you too often or want you to give them all your attention, and I just have too many other things to do in my life. I don’t want to be involved with a man who wants me to give him all of my attention because there are other things I need to do. I have my children, and I have friends who I like to see, and although I like to date, I don’t want that to be the only thing I do. I’m a mature woman and I don’t need to be right under a man all the time, and many of them aren’t used to that. I don’t know what it is, but I think some of them are used to needy, desperate women, and I’m not that type.
“In my opinion, men definitely do not define dating the way women do. At least not all men. For a few of the men I’ve met, dating means, ‘I’ll take you out for a drink and a wonderful dinner, and then we’ll go back to my place and have sex.’ If that happens, I’m not going anywhere with him, and I’m never going on a date with him again because, as I said, I’m not looking for that kind of man—that’s not a date to me. That’s foreplay that he paid for, and I’m not for sale.
“I don’t want to feel obligated to have sex at the end of the evening just because a man spends money on me. I think that’s very immature. Don’t get me wrong, I like sex just as well as the next woman, maybe even more, but just because we go out doesn’t mean that’s going to happen. I might not feel like it, or it might not be the right time, you know? Sorry, but with me it’s not happening.
LADY, FORTY-SOMETHING
The interview with Lady was conducted at a local bookstore. It was a rainy day so there wasn’t very much traffic in and out. We found a quiet spot in front of a huge window where we could see shoppers dashing out of the cars and into the store and vice versa. I dragged an empty bench over to face the one bench sitting against the window and there we sat and laughed and talked for about two hours. Every now and then we had to remember where we were and lower our voices. Luckily the area we’d chosen to talk in was the Genetics and DNA area. There seemed to be fewer browsers there than anyplace else in the store, at least until one woman stood there a little bit too long and tried to add her two cents to our conversation. We didn’t really mind because at least that let us know that what we were talking about was interesting.
The light that filtered through the window was bright, but tempered a bit due to the gray rain clouds that every now and then decided to let loose with a quick summer shower. As the sunlight attempted to push its way through the clouds, I was reminded of that old saying: “If it rains while the sun is shining, that means the devil is beating his wife because she burned his corn bread.” It was cool inside the store, and the misting rain that had greeted us upon our departure from the car made it even cooler.
Lady works as an administrator at an alternative high school and is a self-confident and extremely sexy sister who wears her locks with pride. She’s also proud of her shapely legs and she never goes anywhere without wearing heels that are at least three inches high, and the skirts or dresses she wears just barely brush the top of her knees, no farther. In my opinion, Lady’s best asset is her eyes. She has the most beautiful dark brown flirty eyes I’ve ever seen, and she can talk with those eyes better than anyone I know. She said those kind of eyes run in her family. Her mama and both of her sisters have those same expressive eyes and for some reason they always seem to be in some type of trouble with the opposite sex.
As we got comfortable and placed our wet purses and umbrellas on the floor beside us, Lady went into a fit of laughter when I told her the first thing we were going to discuss was dating.
“Dating? You want me to talk about dating? Oh, my goodness,” Lady sputtered between laughter. “The people in this store are going to put us out and we haven’t been here a good ten minutes yet.” She pulled herself together acting like she was about to get all serious.
“Okay.” She pressed her glossed lips together. “Well, first of all I shouldn’t even be talking about dating because as you know, I’m married. But I’m gonna talk about it anyway ’cause I do date. What that means for me is when you and the person you’re seeing go out to eat or go to the movies or just go hang out at the park or something. You know what I mean, when you just get to hang out and spend some quality time with a person you care about. One of the ways you get to know a man you’re interested in is to date him.” Lady aimed those expressive eyes my way.
“Now that’s what I think dating is but sometimes that’s not what I’ve experienced ’cause niggas be trippin’. I haven’t been to na’n [Ebonic translation—not any] park and I haven’t been to na’n movie. All he wants to do is go get a movie from Blockbuster, order some food to eat, and sit there and get full before we fuck, and we do that every Monday, so how is that a date?” Lady raised her arms in question. “That shit just irritates the hell out of me.
“I guess in his mind that’s dating because I’m married and I don’t have no business being out there anyway. We have gone to a couple of clubs but they were way off somewhere in another part of town because he says he can’t be going where people might know him. Hell, I’m the one who’s married so if anybody is worried about being seen, it should be me. As far as I’m concerned we’re just seeing each other. We’re not going on no damn date because eating, watching TV, and screwing isn’t a date, okay?
“The guy I dated before I married my husband knew what dating was. He used to do so many nice things for me, but we ended our relationship because he just wasn’t ready to commit. He used to send me flowers and cards just out of the blue. Not every day or once a week, just every now and then when I was least expecting it. I did the same thing for him, but some men just seem to be stupid or something because they don’t have a clue as to how to date a lady, and you know that’s what I am.” Lady smirked.
“I hope at least a few men will read this because most of them just don’t have a clue. Men, listen up. If a woman sends you cards, even if it’s once every quarter, then that’s a good indication that she likes cards as well. She must be thinking about your crazy ass or else she wouldn’t be buying you a card, right? And if she sends you flowers for whatever occasion, as some women do for the men they really care about, then she probably would like for you to send her some every now and then too.
“This man I call myself seeing gave me some sorry-ass excuse that he can’t send me cards or flowers because I’m married, and I’d like to know what the hell that has to do with anything. I have an office, my husband doesn’t work with me, and if he sent flowers to my job with a note, who would know who sent them? Nobody, so that shit don’t wash. I also have a P.O. Box, so if he sent me a card, who’s to know as long as he doesn’t put his name on it? That’s just a bullshit excuse.
“I think the problem is that when you’re dating a guy who’s single, and you’re already committed or married, he gets the impression that all you’re supposed to want from him is sex. I guess he thinks that since I’m in another relationship I already have somebody to send me flowers and buy me cards. Well my response to that is he’s got a girlfriend who can send him flowers and cards too, but I’ll bet she doesn’t. That works both ways. If I’m going to meet his needs he needs to make it worth my time just like it’s worth his time, and sometimes it’s not worth my time because I end up more frustrated and pissed off than I would be if I weren’t involved with him.
“At first I wouldn’t tell him how I really felt because I thought he might get pissed off and stop calling or seeing me, but you know what? Damn that, I started telling him how I feel anyway and I figure if he doesn’t call, good, maybe he doesn’t need to call. If I can’t tell him how I feel, I don’t need to be involved with him, it’s simple as that. I don’t care whether he’s married or single or what. After all, this relationship was more his idea than it was mine in the first place, and now that I’m into it he’s acting like he’s got his foot in the door.
