Never without you, p.18
Never Without You, page 18
“No, you can go.” She smiles at me, thinly anyway. “You aren’t needed any longer.”
“Good, thank you.” I breathe out with relief. “You have my contact details if you need me?”
When she nods again, I turn to leave. I am just about to walk past Kelly and Shannon without even acknowledging them, but I decide against it at the last moment. I face the music and stare at them.
“I’m just going out to see what I can find,” I insist. “I need to do something. I feel useless here.”
Kelly’s face goes through a range of emotions, but eventually she simply nods. “Okay, thank you.”
“I won’t come back until I have something for you, I promise.” I want to reach out and hold her and, but I stop myself at the last moment. “I will make sure that we solve this and get Bronwyn back, okay?”
“You will?” Oh God, the tears don’t stop falling. “Thank you, Noah. I wish that I could come too.”
She’s being softer with me now, because there is no reason to scream her anger at me when I’m helping.
“I know.” I smile softly. “But you are needed here, so I will go out looking.”
“Yes. Thank you, that means a lot to me.” They are both smiling now, even Shannon. “Get her, will you?”
By ‘get her’ I don’t know if she means Bronwyn or Liv, maybe both, but it doesn’t change my answer. “I will. Don’t you worry about that. Everything is going to be okay; I promise you.”
She has no color in her face, but somehow, she becomes even more pale. This only makes me even more determined, so I turn and walk out, knowing that each stride is going to take me closer to Bronwyn. It makes me feel a whole lot better to know that I’m taking action at last.
I can feel eyes burning on me as I go, but Kelly and Shannon aren’t staring at me with hatred now, but with need instead. They need me to solve this just as much as I do. Well, I’m going to. I’m determined. I will make sure that Kelly’s life goes back to normal, the way it was before I swept in and over complicated things.
When I step into the car, I know exactly where I’m going, who I need to see. I don’t know how I will act if the police are already at Liv’s home, I guess I will be pleased that something is happening, and I can watch to see if they are doing a good job or not. But if they aren’t there… well there is no telling what I will do. Right now, the anger is burning through my veins and making me sick to my stomach.
“Bitch,” I whisper to myself. “You can’t just do this, Liv. I will make you understand.”
I don’t know how fast I’m driving, I’m not sure if I’m about to be pulled over, but I can’t stop myself. I need to get to get there before I lose my damn mind. All I can really think about is getting this solved, then stepping away from Kelly’s life for good. I have caused her so much trouble, and I need to let her get on with her life. It seems like she has already had a chaotic and unpleasant life which drove her here, and now that she has gotten involved with me, it’s worse.
Well, not anymore. I love Kelly enough to let her go. Of course it will kill me, but if that’s the right thing to do, then that’s what I will do. I will let her live the sort of peaceful life that she deserves, and if she can find happiness in that, then I will have no choice but to be happy for her.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Kelly
“Where is Noah?” I growl as I lean against Shannon’s shoulder, needing the support that only she can offer me right now. “He’s been gone for hours. I thought that he would sort this out for me. He has to.”
“Actually, he hasn’t even been gone for an hour yet. It just feels that way because this is hard, isn’t it? I know how much you are struggling.” She rubs my arm reassuringly. “But something will change soon.”
I stare at her in shock. Is that a joke? It feels like it has just been me and her for days. I wouldn’t be surprised if each and every one of those fifty minutes has been an hour, a long torturous hour to crush me a little bit more. And it isn’t just Noah’s disappearance that I’m struggling with, it’s the police as well. They have been out hunting even longer, so there is no telling what they are doing. I keep thinking about all of the horrible things that could be happening in this time, including her being taken far, far away from me. What if Bronwyn is in another state? I might not be able to get her back ever. I can’t live without her, that won’t happen.
“I need to do something, Shannon,” I demand through gritted teeth. “I can’t stand this. I’m going to ask them to let me out. To let me go and see if I can find her somewhere. What if she’s at home or something?”
“People are there already,” Shannon reassures me. “There are officers monitoring your house.”
“So, everyone else is out there looking and I have to just stay here? That isn’t right. I can’t stand it.”
I shake off Shannon and race to the bathroom because I need a moment alone to catch my breath. I don’t want to keep yelling at the people who are here to help me, which isn’t what I want at all, but I don’t have anyone else to let my emotions out at. I can’t keep it in either because it’s bubbling over, leaving me helpless.
I don’t actually need to use the bathroom; I don’t think that I have drank anything after the police medic gave me that water, because I haven’t thought about it, and also because I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust water again. If water in my own home can’t be trusted, then how can it be anywhere else?
I lean on the sink and try my hardest to suck in as much air as I can, but I can’t help glimpsing my wild eyed manic reflection. It’s like looking at a stranger, a messy fucked up stranger, a version of me who isn’t the truth at all. But this is who I will remain. Without Bronwyn, I will never get back to who I used to be. I will never be able to look at myself again because I will know that I have failed at everything.
I can’t stop my knees from buckling, my legs turning to jelly, so I collapse to the floor in a heap and I cry hard. I sob so hard that it hurts in my chest. I didn’t even know that I had enough energy left in my body, but it seems like I do, it seems like it will never end. I’m a mess.
“Fuck,” I whisper to myself. “Fucking hell. Fuck!” The more I curse, the louder my words get. “Fuck you, world. Fuck everything, fuck everyone.” I scream at the top of my lungs. “Argh, fuck, fuck, fuck!”
“Kelly.” Shannon bursts into the room, clearly hearing my screams. “Oh God, Kelly, are you okay? No, stupid question, of course you aren’t okay. I shouldn’t leave you alone, should I? What an idiot.”
She hugs me tightly, holding my head and reassuring me, but there isn’t anyone else who can make me feel okay again. Not until I have some information, and I know that Bronwyn is okay again.
“Call Noah,” I pant out desperately. “Ask him, see where he is, what he’s doing?”
“I don’t have his cell phone number,” she tells me, crushing my spirit. “I can’t, I’m sorry.”
“Can we get it? Will they give me my phone back? Surely, I can take a look at it…”
“Maybe we can. But first, I think that you might need to calm down because I’m not sure you’ll be allowed to it if they think that you’re hysterical.” She brushes some of my tears away. “Can you do that for me?”
I nod even though I’m not sure if I can. I suck in a few deep breaths and try to make myself seem like a rational person. I might not look like one, I am beyond that now, but I can make myself seem like one.
“Just remember, Kelly,” Shannon reassures me. “That much as it feels like it’s been forever, it hasn’t been that long. The police will find Bronwyn, we just need to be patient and trust them. Let them do their job.”
As she says this, it’s hard for me not to snap, but then I remember that she loves Bronwyn as well. She isn’t just her nanny, she has a connection with her, and she is gutted too. She’s just trying to hold it together for my sake, so instead of doing any more yelling, I nod along and try to show her that I’m going to do what she wants. I am going to trust the police as much as I can, I will try and be patient as much as I can.
“Okay, come on.” I nod. “Let’s get out of here, let’s go and see if there is any news.”
I don’t hold any hope, I’m only trying to do what Shannon wants of me, but as soon as we exit the bathroom and I hear the officer looking for me, my heart leaps and sinks all at once. Something has happened…
“Ah, Kelly.” The officer smiles at me. “We have some good news for you…”
“Good news?” I practically tumble to the ground again, but just about manage to hold myself up. I no longer know if this is a dream or reality anymore, but I need to know what she’s going to say. “What?”
“Some of our officers pulled over a suspicious looking car earlier and we found Bronwyn in it…”
I don’t hear anymore words, my brain simply switches off at that point, all I know is that Bronwyn has been found. I give up on trying to hold my body upright and I hit the floor. It’s hard, there is a shooting pain all the way through me, but I can turn that off as well, because everything is coming together again. My baby is coming back to my life, I’m not about to lose her after all, my life can get back on track once more.
“Where is she?” I gasp out. “Where is Bronwyn? I need to see her. I need her right now.”
“The office just said, Kelly,” Shannon whispers to me. “Once the medics have checked her over, they will bring her here. They might even be on the way now. We just need to wait. Just a little while longer, okay?”
Now, I don’t mind so much if it takes hours, although I am impatient to see her, because I know that she’s safe. I slide forwards and lie on the floor, this time crying happy tears. Shannon and the officer are still talking things through, thankfully Shannon will be able to fill me in later, while I collapse in relief.
Everything is okay. I can feel my life piecing back together slowly. They caught her. They caught Liv.
Not that I care about Liv anymore, she can vanish in to thin air for all I care. They can lock her up, they can send her away, they can get do what they want with her. As long as she is out of my life, and Bronwyn is back in it, I don’t care. I might even leave this place now anyway, because this isn’t the fresh start that I imagined when I left Colorado, it hasn’t exactly worked out for me. It will be hard for me to say goodbye to my prestigious job and everyone that I have met here, but it might be just what me and Bronwyn need.
All I want is a happy home for her, where she can feel safe and happy and I have failed to provide that so far, but I won’t let that derail me. It isn’t too late; I can still have a chance to make this right again. After this, I am more determined than ever to give Bronwyn the life that she deserves. I can be a good mother. I can…
“Oh my God.” The moment that I see Bronwyn, I leap up and rush to her. She’s babbling, making noise, and smiling, which suggests to me that she really is okay, which makes everything alright again. “My baby girl.”
The police officer who is holding her hands her over to me willingly, but the grim look doesn’t leave his face, even when he sees this tearful reunion. I’m sure that there is enough emotion to crack anyone, but not him. Not that it matters to me, I’m not looking for anyone else to be happy, just me and my baby girl.
Instantly, I run my eyes all over her, checking that everything is alright, even though she has been seen by the medics. I just know that my knowledge of Bronwyn is better. Luckily, I don’t see anything to worry me. So, instead I content myself with kissing and hugging my daughter like she hasn’t ever been before.
Shannon is by my side soon and crying herself. She wants a hug with Bronwyn too, but I can’t bear to let her out of my arms just yet, so we hug her together. I can’t believe that she is fine, she doesn’t seem traumatized at all after everything that she has been through. I just want us all to be able to forget about this so we can carry on with our lives.
“Did you get her?” I demand without taking my eyes off Bronwyn’s. I need her to know that I’m here for her now. “Did you get her? Is she going to be locked up? What will happen?”
“Her?” the officer asks me, almost as if he doesn’t understand what I’m asking him.
“Yes, Liv. Olivia…” Shit, what is her last name? “Ayres? The woman who kidnapped Bronwyn. She’s the driver of the car that you pulled over, isn’t she? She’s the one who had my daughter.”
“Erm… no…” he sounds strange as he says this. “No, it wasn’t Olivia Ayres.”
“So, it was Noah’s other ex?” God, that surprises me because he was so insistent that she wouldn’t do that, and I half believed him as well. This Grace woman doesn’t even know me, why would she have a grudge? But like I spluttered out at Noah when I was all mad at him, he makes women all crazy. “That’s wild.”
“No.” Now the officer furrows his eyebrows at me. “It wasn’t a woman at all. It was a man.”
Oh no… no, no, no. My blood is icy, my whole body freezing cold. The world is crashing down around me. Has my past caught up with me? The one person who shouldn’t be able to find me is here… is he? Oh God.
“W… who?” I stammer, needing to know before I crumble and melt. “Who was it?”
“A man by the name of Chris Miles.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Noah
I’m trembling all over, head to toe as I reach out and knock on Liv’s door, ready to confront her at last. I have never been so mad in my whole damn life, but I don’t think that anger will help me here. I need to be calm and in control, so I can take her down if I need to. So I can defeat her in whatever game she’s playing.
I knock once, then another time, and a third time as well. Each time that I’m forced to hammer on her door, my emotions swirl and swim around me, getting me all caught up, much as I don’t want to. I squeeze my fists by my side trying my hardest to keep all of my feelings there, rather than on my face. I need to look approachable so that Liv doesn’t immediately shut me down and she agrees to talk to me.
Finally, the door opens, but just a crack. I can see darkness pouring through, like Liv is existing in the darkness because she doesn’t want anyone to know that she is home. But she must sense that I won’t give up.
“Noah?” she whispers shakily. “Why are you here? What the hell is going on now?”
“I think you know what I’m here for, Liv. I want Bronwyn and I know that you have her.”
The door swings wide open and her tear stained face greets me. “I have already spent all morning telling the police that I don’t have her. Why do you need to come here and give me shit as well? I’m not that bad…”
“Liv, I know better than anyone that you are capable of doing terrible things. Don’t forget that I’m the one you have been sending threatening letters and emails to. I have seen it all…”
“Words.” She shrugs her shoulders and weeps a little. “All words. I wasn’t going to do anything.”
“How the hell am I supposed to know that, Liv? I don’t understand why you think I understand…”
“Because much as you like to pretend that you don’t, you do know me, and you know that I’m not a terrible person. Otherwise you wouldn’t have gone home with me that night. If you saw me as dangerous…”
“But I also didn’t think that you would send me those letters either.”
She wails with tears, now really getting to the dramatics. The only problem is I don’t know if I can believe it or not. It seems genuine enough, but I don’t know what I can trust with this woman. The only reason that I am entertaining her now is because I’m still pretty convinced that she has Bronwyn inside there. I will storm in soon; I would just rather be sure that I’m not going to frighten her if I don’t need to. If me and Liv can sort this out like adults and leave the drama behind us, then that is what we will do.
“Look, Noah, after our conversation last night I realized that I don’t want you anyway, not really.”
I want to roll my eyes because I don’t want to hear this again. “Liv, let’s just leave this, shall we? Talk about Bronwyn instead. Because I am really worried about her safety right now.”
“I have already told you that the baby isn’t here. Why won’t you believe me? You don’t think that the police have already gone through my place already? Combed it pretty good because of your accusations.”
“So, where is she?” I demand. “What have you done with her? I need to find her now.”
“I don’t have her, Noah, I have already told you that much. Someone else does, and I’m really sorry about that, because no mother deserves to lose her child. I really hope that you all manage to find her, and I also hope that you are happy together, because I don’t want you anymore, like I said. I have realized some things about myself.”
“Uhuh.” Hmmm, I can’t help being suspicious about that. “So, who do you want?”
“My ex boyfriend, Kevin.” As she breaks down, I see a definite truth to her that I haven’t seen before. “He broke up with me the day that I slept with you. I only got in to bed with you for revenge, and I guess that because of that, all of the anger and emotion I should have thrown his way… and his new girlfriend, who he cheated on me for years with, but instead it came at you. I got attached to you and felt like I owned a part of you because I couldn’t have him… the way that you spoke to me last night, well it made me realize that.”
“Er, right.” I don’t know what to say to that. “Okay, so… you really are done with me?”
She nods and wipes her nose, trying to rid the tearful snot on her face. “I am, and I’m sorry for what I put you through. Believe me, the realization hit hard and that’s before I found myself in the middle of this. This just highlights what I already know. I need help. Therapy, medication, I don’t know what exactly, but I will do whatever it takes to get my head back on track. I might even move away from here because I don’t feel like myself in this place. Not without Kevin. It’s too much for me, I need a fresh start.”
