Lost in loves abyss, p.22
Lost In Love's Abyss, page 22
“Hell yeah. She had you around here crying like a toddler. I’m just trying to see how I needed to deal with your sad ass. If it’s not Doc, then what’s up?”
“Damn, I can’t just come check you out?”
“You can but that’s not what this is, so talk, Rah.”
I scratched my chin through my beard. “I’ve just been thinking a lot lately.”
“About?”
“A lot of shit. Mostly being at Gram’s.”
“Yeah, what about her?”
“Not her especially but being there in that house.”
He shifted a little, like he could sense my thoughts, so I said fuck it and got to the point.
“I never asked you this before. I just knew deep down that things were off. For a while I was out the house, working a lot, which left you there with him—”
“He never did shit to me.” Leem was quick to speak up. His shoulders squared like he needed the motion as an added confirmation.
I stared for a long moment, attempting to read him. “You sure?”
“Yeah, he was always coming around talking shit about me not being a man because I wouldn’t fuck with the women he brought around. I was young. I didn’t know anything about fucking women back then and I wasn’t trying to learn either. Not from him. Something didn’t feel right. He was always calling me a pussy. I wasn’t, I just wasn’t ready for that shit back then.”
His sexual habits were mostly about proving his masculinity. I understood because for years I traveled down that same road. I never had internal doubts, however, I felt the world somehow placed their own judgment. Leem never dealt with the same issues I had but he still had issues. I was somewhat relieved because I knew how much I struggled to make sense of things.
Was still struggling.
“You sure?” This time it was me searching his face for answers.
“Yeah I’m sure. You hated him so much. I never really knew why but you told me to stay away from him so I did. Sometimes it just couldn’t be avoided because he was always around.” Leem’s jaw flexed and I nodded.
“Yeah.”
We both sat silently, me in my head while I was sure he had questions he was uncomfortable asking.
“You ever think about our parents?”
“What do you mean?” He frowned a little, waiting.
“Like wish they were around and that we didn’t end up with Gram?”
“Nah.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. I guess because the only good memories I had didn’t include them. It was either with you or Gram. The shit I remembered about being with them wasn’t anything I wanted to hold onto. I don’t feel like I missed out. You always had me and what you couldn’t do, Gram stepped up.”
I nodded, processing for a minute before a smile eased in place. “You’re welcome.”
“I didn’t thank you for shit.”
“Yes the fuck you did. And I love you too. I heard all that.”
He cracked a smile and snatched the remote. Neither of us said anything else about the topic because there wasn’t a need. He had me and I had him. Family was defined by who stood for you and by you and that was how we lived.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Embria
“You sure you want to do this?”
Rah smirked, kissing my cheek on the way to the door.
“She’s harmless. The sooner you realize that, the better your relationship will be.”
I groaned my disapproval. My mother was anything but harmless and now she was invading my happiness bubble. The one where all things were good because the only expectations were mine and Rah’s. Her voice wasn’t in my head when we were in our bubble yet tonight she was extended an invitation for dinner at Rah’s insistence.
An invitation into my happiness bubble.
Rah was preparing to share a meal with my mother while I was preparing for an inquisition. She would be here in his space, snooping, digging, asking questions that were none of her business and at some point between all of the previously mentioned, we were supposed to tell her about the baby.
“Come in.”
I stood a few feet away, watching as my strikingly handsome man invited my mother into his home. She followed the command, peeking around him, doing the first initial inspection.
“This is nice.”
“It’s home. Nothing special.” Rah opened his arms, which she didn’t hesitate working her way into. After a short appropriate hug, he kissed my mother’s cheek then extended a hand. “Let me get your coat.”
She peeled it off and Rah took possession before bending the corner to place it in the hall closet.
“You look cozy,” my mother noted as she made her way to me, forcing her arms around me before she pulled back, checking out my attire. I was in a T-shirt dress that stopped just above my ankles which hugged a little too much around the middle. Her eyes landed on my stomach but she didn’t mention the noticeable baby bump.
“We’re at home. I hope you didn’t expect me to be formal.” I wiggled my toes, attempting to draw her attention away from my midsection to my bare feet but I knew my mother. She meant I looked cozy in Rah’s space while carrying his baby. It was also her subtle way of asking how familiar I was with his home.
“No, not at all, sweetheart. So, how about a tour…” She paused and glanced over her shoulder as Rah approached. “Or should I ask the man of the house? After all, this is his place.”
He chuckled, moving close enough to kiss my cheek. I inhaled deeply, taking in the comfort of his cologne. His presence relaxed me. “She’s familiar enough to show you around. It’s just as much her place as it is mine. Isn’t that right, Embri?” He winked before adding, “I’ll go check on the steaks. Can I get you anything to drink?”
My mother’s eyes bounced between me and Rah before settling into a smug grin. “I’ll have what my Bri Bri is drinking.”
“Oh I’m not drinking. Rah has wine though. I asked him to get Riesling for you. Still your favorite, right?”
“Absolutely. I guess that’s what I’m having then.” She smirked then looped an arm through mine. “Shall we?”
“Yep.” We traveled through the house, leaving the living room for the formal dining area. Next was the space Rah kept as an office but never used and the den which was more or less used as a TV room. After stepping into the backyard, we ventured back inside, peeking into the main suite and guest bedrooms. She remained unusually quiet, only pointing out a few details that caught her eye or humming her approval with each area we traveled to before joining Rah in the kitchen where he had the Riesling uncorked, a glass filled, waiting for my mother. I tucked myself under his arm while she eased onto the stool across from the brown marbled island which offered a display of cheese, crackers, and fruit.
“I absolutely love your home. It’s cozy and spacious at the same time. I only wonder which you’ll choose.”
“What?”
I frowned at my mother who sipped her wine, releasing a smug grin behind the glass as it reached her lips.
“Which one you’ll choose to live in. You both have exquisite taste so it’s a hard call. Although that guest room across from your main bedroom is lovely and I can totally see you transitioning it.”
I glanced at Rah who was just as confused by her statement. There hadn’t been any sidebar conversations I was aware of so what the hell was she talking about?
Transitioning?
Was my mother asking to live with me or rather him, shit, or us. I wasn’t sure how we were defined at the moment although he was unwavering in his efforts for us to move in together. However, my mother eventually got to the point, offering clarity.
“When the baby comes, that is. I can’t imagine you’ll want to be in separate homes.”
Rah laughed but my mouth dropped open and my mother waved me off, rolling her eyes. “Oh come on. You don’t think I figured it out the minute I laid eyes on you. And no wine? Bri Bri, sweetheart, I’m very observant. Besides that…” She pointed to my midsection. “You’re also glowing and those things, I’m sure he’s loving every minute of their growth.”
“Oh my gosh. Why would you…” My eyes rolled hard. “You know what, never mind,” I groaned. “Yes, we’re having a baby. As for our living arrangements, we haven’t discussed that yet—”
“But I’m okay with whatever she decides. My house or hers will do unless she prefers to purchase a new one.” Rah jumped right in, which had my mother’s eyes on him, brows lifted high and lips curled into a pleased grin.
“That sounds extremely permanent.”
“Because it is.” His declaration left no room for doubt on his part. Rah kissed my cheek once more, moving on as if I was supposed to simply embrace his logic on our future living arrangements. “Food’s done. Embri already set up the dining room so you can have a seat in there and we’ll bring everything.”
“Okay then.” Her eyes bounced between us briefly. “I guess I’ll enjoy the privilege of being your guest.” My mother flashed a smile and lifted the bottle of wine along with her glass, leaving the kitchen.
“What was that?” I hissed the minute she was out of earshot.
“What?”
“My house, yours, or we buy one?”
“We haven’t discussed it because you’re adamantly avoiding the topic. I was letting you know my feelings on the matter. I was also making clear that we, as in you, me, and this baby, are going to be under one roof. I know you said you’re not trying to rush things but let me be clear. My first priority as a man, your man, is to this family.” He gripped my chin gently, tilting my head back, delivering a soft peck before speaking against my lips.
“We are a family, Embria. You, me, and this baby. You say you don’t want to rush, cool. You and my child will both bear my last name.” Wait, did he just say that he wanted to marry me? “I’ll be patient while you’re going through this period of stubbornness and pretending that’s not the endgame, but make no mistake, being a family is the endgame and before he or she gets here, at least the under one roof part, unless you’re ready for all of it. I’m cool either way.”
His hand rested on my stomach and I felt an internal spark, a jolt through me that only he could ignite. “Now, help me bring the food in so we can get through dinner then I can get in you.” My stomach leaped and my clit throbbed. This man! And what did I do? Hurried my ass up grabbing food to move this along because I had no defense to the power he had over my heart and my body. However, I also wasn’t complaining because I willingly relinquished control.
Surprisingly enough, dinner went well. For the most part my mother was on her best behavior, however, she did keep pushing Rah for confirmation about his future plans for me and our child. At some point I got the feeling that it was more of a motherly reaction than her disbelief in the possibility of a happily ever after. She seemed to be rallying for protection of my heart and well-being and I must say it was the first time I felt as if she was truly in my corner where love was concerned. After she left, Rah insisted I take a bath while he cleaned the kitchen. Once done, he showered and made good on his promise of fully exploring the depths of me and now here we were, lying wrapped in each other, enjoying the low hum of the TV neither of us offered any attention.
This had to be my favorite part of the day. The security of feeling completely safe with the man who owned my heart. The man who…
“You said you wanted me and the baby to have your last name.”
It was random but had been playing over and over in my mind since he’d said it.
“Yeah.”
“Like marry me?” My back was against his chest so I couldn’t see his face, nor could he see mine, which was a good thing because I closed my eyes and held my breath, waiting.
“Haven’t I already made my intentions clear?” I shivered from the warmth of his lips against the back of my neck and a smile crept in place. “But I’m not asking until you’re ready. And right now, you’re not.”
“Why do you think I’m not ready?”
He kissed my neck again and before his lips moved to my shoulder, Rah’s fingers brushed across my stomach as he gave his answer. “You can’t even make up your mind about permanently sharing a bed with me.” I stiffened a little.
“Relax, I’m not upset or worried. You don’t fully trust that I’ll be here the way I promised because I let you down. I told you, I’ll be patient, just know ,I’m not accepting any other outcome. I also won’t force your hand. I’ll just be here however you need me to be, until I know for sure that you’re ready.”
“I trust you.” Turning to face him, my hand found his face, prompting my thumb to glide across his lips.
“I know you do, just not the way you need to, but you will.” Rah gathered me closer, allowing his chin to rest on top of my head. “I saw my father today.”
Unable to prevent it, my face expressed my confusion about the mention of his father. As far as I knew, he hadn’t seen him since he was a kid and left in his grandmother’s care. “But I thought…”
“I found him a few months ago, completely by accident. I was in the area to tow a car and saw him walking to his place. The minute I saw his face, I recognized him.”
“And you talked?”
“Then, nah, but we did today. Mostly me though.”
“How did it go?” I was curious if they’d made amends. The psychiatrist in me was rooting for closure but the girlfriend in me was hovering protectively.
“Who’s asking? Embria as in my lady or Embria as in Dr. Taylor?”
My lips curled into a grin. When I didn’t respond right away, his brow hiked, forcing my answer. “Both, but more Embria the girlfriend.”
“Girlfriend?” This time he was the one with a mischievous smile.
“Would you stop? Just tell me how it went.”
“That’s hard to say. I wasn’t there searching for anything. I just needed a reminder of all the things he did wrong so I would get them right with our kid. I guess you can say I also needed him to see that I made it, even without him choosing me.”
“Did he apologize?”
Rah snorted through a laugh. “No, he only made excuses, saying it wasn’t about me, it was about the addiction.”
“Addiction is a complicated beast—”
“Don’t make excuses for my parents’ lack of dedication to raise me. They had a choice, even if it was a tough one. I simply ended up on the losing end.”
I nodded, deciding to let it go and allow him space to express what he was feeling. “And your mom?”
“She died a few years ago. He didn’t bother reaching out because he didn’t think it would matter and you know what’s fucked up?”
His eyes ghosted for a minute before they focused on mine. “He was right, it wouldn’t have. It hurt knowing that she passed. Regardless of the abandonment, she was still my mother, but truthfully, if I’m keeping it one hundred, I don’t feel anything past that for either of them. Just another way I’m fucked up.”
“Rah…”
His lips pressed against mine to cut off my thoughts. “For the first time that I can remember, in a long while, I’m in a good place, Embri. You’re a big part of the peace I feel.”
My smile surfaced quickly. “Are you going to see him again? I wouldn’t mind—”
“No, he doesn’t get to experience the best parts of me. That’s you and this baby, so no, you won’t meet him and unless we happen to end up in the same place and time I doubt I’ll see him again. Today wasn’t about my father, it was about me. I got what I needed.”
“Then that’s all that matters.” I inched closer. “You’re not fucked up, or broken, or damaged. You’re a brilliant, caring, strong man who’s incredibly sexy, mildly… well severely addictive, and you’re also mine. I love everything about you, even the parts of you that you try to hide because you don’t think I’ll accept them or understand.”
I could see the determination in his eyes when he searched mine, looking for anything that would contradict my words. When he didn’t find it, his lips reached mine once more.
After a long moment I was granted one last kiss but on the forehead, accompanied by a firm hand at the small of my back, bringing me closer before his voice whispered above my head.
“Get some rest. Tomorrow is an early day for you.”
So that was exactly what I did. Tucked away in his arms, I allowed my mind to settle and sleep took over.
“This place is really nice.” Kam inched closer to me as we looked around the space. There were a few bodies, but not the turnout I was sure Saleem expected.
“It is. I’m positive he can make this work.” My regard darted to the corner where Rah and Saleem were huddled in a private conversation. The disappointment wasn’t missed which was what prompted the brothers’ solitude. Rah was, no doubt, offering words of encouragement to his baby brother. I loved the way he protected his well-being from all angles. That man loved deeply, which I was now experiencing.
“Shit yeah, girl. It’s new and only a matter of time before everyone realizes how bomb the place is. I’ll be posting my shoutout. These wings are so damn good I’d slap my momma over them.” She licked her fingers, sucking remnants of honey barbecue sauce from them before flashing a mischievous grin. “But then again, I’d slap her just because.”
“Kam, don’t say that.”
She shrugged, lifting a flat. “Why not? It’s true and I’m sure she deserves it for one reason or another.”
I wanted to dispute the claim but truly couldn’t. Kam’s mother was exhausting to say the least. I felt for the fact that they were both crammed into her tiny one bedroom.
“How are things?”
Those eyes rolled quickly but Kam didn’t verbally respond until tossing back the last of the drink she’d been working on. “How the hell do you think? She’s unappreciative, overbearing, demanding beyond the scope of normalcy, and driving me insane. My mother is a fucking spoiled brat I’m being forced to take responsibility for.”
I pouted. “Aww, Kam Kam. How can I help?”
