Complete works of peter.., p.113
Complete Works of Peter Cheyney. Illustrated, page 113
When I get back to the hotel one of Erouard's guys is waitin' for me with a packet. Inside the packet are the fifty 1,000-franc notes with Erouard an' a note which says:
My Dear Lemmy
We have traced these notes very easily. They were drawn this morning from the Credit Lyonnais on the Rue Henri Martin. The account is that of Colonel Sergius Nakorova and it was his cheque which was cashed.
I am at your disposal
Sincerely,
Felix Erouard.
So there you are. Now we know which way we're pointin'. It is stickin' out a foot that first thing this mornin' Geraldine Perriner has got in touch with Nakorova an' told him that she reckons I am a guy who can be grafted, that she's gotta have some dough. An' he cashes in with the 50,000 francs. But whether this dough is his, or whether it is money which she has given him which he had paid inta his bankin' account, I shall not know until I have received a reply from Washington.
Anyway Geraldine an' Sergius have got to be pretty thick with each other for her to be able to touch him for 50,000 francs. So it looks to me as if she is playin' along with this guy. It looks at if he has got her so bull-dozed that she will stick at nothing. This does not surprise me a great deal because I have already told you guys that when a woman is really stuck on a man there are not many things she won't do for him.
I go up to my room an' give myself four fingers of rye an' lie down on the bed. My arm is achin' a little bit an' anyway it looks as if I will not be wastin' my time in doin' a little quiet thinkin'. Also it looks as if it is not goin' to be very much good lettin' the grass grow under my feet. I have gotta do something.
It is stickin' outa mile that if I go on bein' Mr. Cyrus T. Hickory Geraldine will expect me to have one meetin' with the Nakorova bird an' then scram off to New York, that being the arrangement we made. In other words if I don't come out inta the open, then that baby will believe that I am not keepin' the arrangement an' will get suspicious. If she gets suspicious it is a cinch that she will tell the Russian an' they will probably scram off some place, leavin' me up in the air. So I gotta do something. I reckon I will do it.
I get up an' start puttin' on my overcoat. I am just goin' to the door when the telephone rings. The desk downstairs tells me that Colonel Sergius Nakorova is on the telephone. I say O.K., that I will take the call. I hang on, waitin'. After a minute a big boomin' voice comes through the 'phone. It is one of them rich an' fruity sorta voices that are hearty an' good-tempered an' strong, the sorta voice that you'd expect to hear from a sporty sorta guy. Standin' there I can imagine this boyo openin' his mouth very wide every time he says a word an' rollin' it round his tongue before he shoots it out.
"That is Mr. Hickory?" he says. "Very well, I wish to present myself. I am Colonel Count Sergius Alexandrieff Nakorova at your service!!"
I can almost hear him clickin' his heels.
He goes on that he wishes to apologise for telephonin' me, that he would have liked to have called round at my hotel personally, but that he is on his way out to Auteuil and will not be back until to-night.
"Well, Colonel," I say, "I reckon that by now you know what I am over here for."
He says yes he knows what I'm over here for. He says he welcomes me bein' over here. He says that the fact that Willis Perriner his fiancГ©e's father is suspicious of him is causin' him the greatest pain. He says he desires nothing so much as for me to be able to assure Willis Perriner that everything is on order, an' that nothing but good can result from the marriage which he hopes will shortly take place.
I say that's fine, but I am thinkin' that the probability is that Geraldine has already been on to this guy an' told him that I have taken the dough an' that I am playin' ball, so he is not worryin' very much. He is just puttin' on this act so as to keep everything nice and sweet.
Then he says: "Mr. Hickory, to-night I desire to give a party in your honour. It will also give you an opportunity of talking to me and finding out what you desire about me and my associates. I do not think that you will have an uninteresting evening. There will be some charming women there who I am sure will be delighted to meet you."
I say that is swell, that I would like nothing better than that, an' he asks me to be at the CafГ© Cossack near the Place Pigalle at eleven o'clock to-night. That he has got a private room an' a special supper ordered, that he is lookin' forward to seein' me there. He says that he hopes that this won't be too late for me, but that he reckons he won't be back from Auteuil till then.
I say that's O.K., thanks a lot, an' hang up.
I give myself a cigarette an' indulge in a little thought. If this guy is telling me the truth, an' I don't see why he should be lyin' an' is goin' out to Auteuil an' not comin' back until this supper date we have got, then unless Geraldine is goin' out there with him it looks as if he might be able to have a little talk with this dame before he can get at her.
I go downstairs an' order a taxi. When it comes I drive round to the Hotel Dieudonne. When I get there I ask the guy in the reception if Miss Perriner is in. He says he'll ring through an' find out. I pull out my police pass an' say that that's just what I don't want him to do, that I want to know if she is in or not. He says she is in, that she rang down a few minutes ago for some tea. I say all right, I will go up, but I do not want to be announced.
I go up in the lift and walk along the corridor. When I get to the door of Geraldine's sittin'-room, I listen. There is some talk goin' on inside. I can just hear the voices. I grin to myself because I recognise one of 'em as being Juanella's. I open the door an' I step inta the room.
"Well, honeylambs!" I tell 'em. "How's it goin'?"
Geraldine an' Juanella are sittin' down one on each side of a tea table. Geraldine is pourin' out some tea. She looks so goddam surprised when she sees me that she nearly drops the teapot.
"Mr. Hickory," she says, "I'm delighted to see you, but how strange that they didn't call through and tell me you were on your way up."
I put my hat down on a chair an' light a cigarette. I grin at her.
"I didn't want to be announced, Miss Perriner," I tell her, "an' I am very glad I wasn't. I reckon if I had been Mrs. Rillwater would have slipped out the back way.
"An' by the way," I go on, "I thought you told me that you didn't know this dame, that you'd never met her."
"That was perfectly true, Mr. Hickory," she says. "I had never met her. I have only just met her. Incidentally," she says, "aren't you being a bit odd about this? I thought you and I understood each other. I thought we were going to deal with this matter in a friendly spirit."
"Like hell," I tell her. "That's what you thought."
I sit down.
"Look, Geraldine," I go on, "it looks to me like you thought a lotta things an' most of 'em are wrong. An' also I'd like to tell you that the deal you made with Mr. Cyrus T. Hickory of the Transcontinental Agency of America is off. He can't keep to that deal because he's dead."
"Dead!" she says. "What is this? Is this a joke?"
I look at Juanella. She is sittin' there smokin' a cigarette with her legs crossed. She looks quite happy. It looks like Juanella does not give one hoot about anything.
"No, it's no joke," I tell Geraldine. "You see, the point is there never was a Mr. Cyrus Hickory. Juanella here knows me. My name's Lemmy Caution. I'm a 'G' man, an operative of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, an' how do you like that, lady?"
She goes as white as death. She looks at Juanella with her mouth open. Juanella shrugs her shoulders. I put my hand in my pocket an' I bring out the fifty 1,000-franc notes. I put 'em on the table.
"There you are, Geraldine," I tell her. "There's your dough. I took it because I wanted to find out where it came from. Well, I have found out. That dough was drawn this morning outa your boy friend Nakorova's bankin' account, an' it looks to me like first thing this mornin' you rang him up, told him that Cyrus T. Hickory was easy, that if he had a little palm grease he'd do anything he was told. He sent you round that jack an' you both thought that everything was hunky dory."
Geraldine looks straight in front of her.
She says: "I see... I see..."
"Honey," I tell her, "you take a tip from me an' get yourself some sense. Me I reckon I can understand almost anything, an' I can certainly understand you bein' so stuck on this Russian guy that you don't know what you're doin'. But after this bribery business it looks to me as if Willis T. Perriner might not be so far wrong when he believed that there was some connection between your marriage with Nakorova an' Buddy's disappearin'. Maybe you don't know anything about that. Maybe if somebody was to tell you you wouldn't believe them, because you're so stuck on this Russian guy. But you gotta watch your step, an' I want you to get this inside that pretty little head of yours. You're not goin' to marry that Russian guy until I am satisfied with the job an' it won't be Mr. Hickory who is bein' satisfied either, it will be Mr. Caution, an' Mr. Caution is a tough guy."
She tosses her head.
"Not only a tough guy," she says, "but it seems a rather uncouth one."
She turns round to me an' her eyes are blazin'.
"I would like you to know, Mr. Caution," she says, "that I am free, white and over twenty-one. I'm entitled to do what I like. I'm going to marry Sergius Nakorova, and nothing you, the Federal Bureau of Investigation or my father, can do will stop me."
I'm tellin' you this dame Geraldine is angry an' when she looks angry she looks swell. It's a funny thing but I always go for dames when they are gettin' steamed up about something. It sorta gives 'em character plus.
I take a look at Juanella. She is still sittin' back in her chair smokin' a cigarette. She looks as if she's a bit amused at all this. I think I would like to know what that baby has got up her sleeve.
I stub out my cigarette end. I go over to the table.
"Look, Geraldine," I say, "let me tell you something. Don't you get the idea into your head that you're marryin' Nakorova because you're not. You say that none of us can stop you doin' it. You're wrong, I can. I'm goin' to."
"How interesting," she says sorta icy. "And may I ask how you're going to do that?"
"Just a little thing called international police courtesy," I tell her. "If I go an' have ten minutes at the SГ»retГ© Nationale, there is nobody in Paris would marry you. They'd put the bar up."
She shrugs her shoulders.
"I see," she said. "So you'd go as far as that. Well, even if you succeeded and I don't believe you'd be successful, Mr. Caution although you might stop me marrying Sergius, you certainly will not stop me joining him. In any event I shall do that."
"I certainly would stop you joinin' him," I tell her, "because even if I have to stick that Russian teacake inta the local clink on a framed charge to stop you gettin' next to him I'm goin' to do it, an' how do you like that?"
She sits down in her chair again. Her shoulders are sorta droopin'. She looks at Juanella.
"This is terrible," she says. "What are we going to do?"
Juanella looks at her. She gives a little grin, a comfortin' sorta grin. Then she stubs out her cigarette end in the ash-tray. She gets up, picks up her gloves an' handbag off the chair beside her, an' says:
"I don't see you can do anything, Geraldine. This guy's tough."
She opens her handbag an' takes out her lipstick. Then she says to me:
"But maybe I can do something."
She puts the lipstick back in the bag an' when her hand comes out she's got a gun in it, an' the barrel is pointin' at my stomach.
"Look, Lemmy," says Juanella, "you know me. I'm nice with a gun. Take your weight off your feet, big boy, an' sit down, because you're goin' to do what you're told."
I sit down in the chair that is close up to the table between these two dames an' I look at 'em. Geraldine is sittin' lookin' at Juanella with a sorta hopeful look on her pan. When I look at Juanella I can see she is smilin' but I don't reckon that this means very much because I have known dames who could squeeze a mean trigger even if they was laughin' out loud.
I take a cigarette outa the box on the tea-table an' I light it.
Juanella says: "Look, Lemmy, even if you don't like this you gotta play this thing our way. Believe it or not it's not possible for you to go around makin' any excitements for just a little bit. An' it won't be healthy for you."
I give her a big grin.
"Listen, Juanella," I tell her. "Why don't you put that shootin' iron away an' be your age. I have already promised you a good smackin' an' it looks as if it's cornin' nearer to you every minute. Get wise, baby. Another thing," I go on. "What is all this stuff? Have you two dames gone nutty or what?"
"Not so nutty as that," says Juanella. "The point is we want a little peace an' quiet for a coupla days, an' we're goin' to get it one way or the other. I reckon that if we have about forty-eight hours without you kickin' around we can maybe do what we want to do."
"Which is to get this dame married to Nakorova," I say. "All right, Juanella, but you remember that one of these fine days you are goin' back to New York an' when you do am I goin' to stick you right in the cooler or am I?"
She says: "Nuts to you, you big gorilla. Button up your trap for a minute while I do a little thinkin'."
I stay quiet. It looks to me as if Geraldine is worried sick about not marryin' this Cossack, but at the same time I do not see why Juanella should have to pull a gun on me just because it looks as if I am goin' to stop this marriage.
Juanella gets herself a fresh cigarette with her free hand. She lights it an' blows a coupla smoke rings an' then she says:
"I reckon that we oughta be tough with you, Lemmy. You pulled a fast one on Geraldine here when she trusted you. You told her you was Hickory an' also a lotta punk stuff about bein' a married guy with seven kids in Milwaukee. You gave her the idea that she could slip you a little dough an' that you would behave yourself an' go back to New York an' keep Willis Perriner quiet. Instead of which what do you do? You come bustin' in here pullin' a threatenin' act like you was a coupla dictators with enlarged livers."
I shrug my shoulders.
"The trouble with you dames is," I say, "that you will not play ball. What the hell is all this mystery about? Why don't you put your cards on the table? First of all I wanta know what you are doin' in this set-up, Juanella, an' if you don't like to tell me I'll find out some other way. The second this is why Geraldine here tries to bribe me to get out when she thought I was Hickory. Is she so struck on that Russian guy that she has to sorta employ you as a muscle-man? Me I think you two dames are screwy."
"Yeah?" says Juanella. "Well, maybe we are but just for the minute we are gonna stay that way."
"O.K.," I tell her. "That's all right with me." I stub out my cigarette. "Now," I go on, "I want you two dames to listen to what I've gotta say. You're both playin' a mug's game. Last night I pulled into this town to do a little investigatin' inta this Nakorova boyo. Well, I'm still goin' to do it. An' I'm goin' to do it in my own way. The second thing is that there is a whole lot of funny business goin' on that I cannot get next to. An' it is also quite obvious to me that I cannot trust either of you dames any more. So I am not goin' to."
"Oh no?" says Juanella. "Well, right now what are you gonna do, handsome?"
I don't say anythin' for a minute because I have already made up my mind what I'm goin' to do. I am sittin' up close to the tea-table which is one of them light, three-legged things. On the table is a big silver tray with a silver hot-water kettle an' a spirit flame burnin' under it.
I also begin to think of Edvanne Nakorova an' that ladder-in-the-stockin' act. I grin.
"The position is like this," I tell 'em. "Not so long ago I had a little talk with Sergius. Sergius sounds a nice sorta guy to me. He has got a big, boomin' voice an' I bet he has his initials worked on his crepe-de-china shirts. O.K. Well, this boyo has been on the telephone an' asked me to attend a little supper party to-night for the purpose of meetin' up with him an' doin' a little checkin' up.
"It is as plain to me as a dead whale on the seashore that for some reason best known to yourselves you two honeys are goin' to try an' stop this meetin'. Well, I reckon that I know why. I reckon that Geraldine has found out that our idea about Buddy is right. I reckon she knows that Nakorova has had Buddy snatched an' that she is tryin' to get the business straightened out an' maybe to fix it so that Buddy keeps quiet about it so's she can still marry the Russian guy. An' I bet I ain't far wrong in my guess."
Juanella says: "It's your guess an' you can keep it. An' what else have you been thinkin', Sherlock?"
"Nothin' much," I say. Then I take a quick peek at Juanella's legs an' I say: "Kid, you got a ladder in your stockin'!"
It works.
She takes a look down at her leg an' right then I kick the tea-table over. The silver kettle full of hot water shoots over Juanella's skirts an' she lets go a howl like a coyote. At the same moment I jump across an' grab the gun.
She sits there wrigglin' like a Hula girl.
"You lousy moron," she says. "Ain't you got one instinct of a gentleman? One of these days I am gonna take a poke at you that you will remember."
She looks at Geraldine.
"I'm sorry, kid," she says. "I thought it might have worked. But I know this guy. You can't pull much over on him. He's as hard-boiled as a knuckle of ham. The big stiff!"
I get up. I take the ammunition clip out of Juanella's gun an' throw it back to her.
"There you are, honey," I tell her. "Now you can play Wild West in peace an' quiet. Also I notice that you are wrigglin' a bit more than usual, an' I suggest that you apply a little carron oil to the affected part as per the label on the bottle. An' even if you do have a litle trouble when you sit down, don't worry just smile an' think of Lemmy!"
