Complete works of peter.., p.99
Complete Works of Peter Cheyney. Illustrated, page 99
Boy, am I a sap or am I?
I grab off the telephone an' I ring down to the desk. I tell 'em to send a messenger round to the office of the Paris New York Times to see the night editor in charge an' ask for the picture he has got for Mr. Tony Scalla. They say O.K.
I walk up an' down the room an' I do a little bit of heavy thinkin'. So Pinny Yatlin has been shot in Mexico City. That means to say he never come over to France, that he was just stickin' around there, an' you'll agree that this seems a very funny thing. Of course maybe he's got somebody lookin' after the job this end, somebody he can trust, but you woulda thought that Yatlin woulda got over here good an' quick. He'd have been a durned sight safer in France than he would be in Mexico City. Another interestin' thing is the fact that he's shot outside an apartment house. I reckon I'm prepared to lay a shade of odds that he was shot outside Zellara's place, in that sorta passage-way leadin' out to the street; the passage they took me through the night Yatlin an' his two boys tried to bump me.
Well, you're goin' to agree that it is an extraordinary thing that Yatlin, who is the wise guy an' very clever, should get himself shot just at this time, after Istria had agreed to play ball with him an' to hand over the Jamieson half of the formula.
Which I reckon is what he had done. Istria had sent off that half of the formula either just before I get inta Chicago or just afterwards, an' all that stuff that was played on me, all that stuff that Tony Scalla put up to me, all the bunk that the little Georgette has been pullin' on me with her swell figure an' them hot blue eyes of hers, was just to keep me blowin' around like a two by four sucker sufficiently long to give Istria time to make his deal with Yatlin, to send off the bona fide Jamieson half of the formula an' to replace it in the Federal cover with a fake one. An' is this clever?
Because if the guy who is carryin' the formula hangs around for a bit, then he is goin' to get away with it easy because just about the same time I hand over the phony formula to Washington an' they take the heavy watch off all ports an' passengers. Now you tell me if I'm a mug.
I can't work this business out at all. Something is sorta missin'. I walk up an' down the room thinkin' of half a dozen schemes that I can pull. But what the hell can I do? I've gotta stick around an' take a chance of gettin' a line on what is really goin' on around here.
After a bit there is a knock on the door. It is the bell-hop an' he's got the picture from the New York Times place. I give him a dollar bill, then I bust the cover off the picture an' take it under the light.
An' when I look at it I let go a wail that you coulda heard in China.
The picture is one of two women an' two men. The two women are Zellara an' Fernanda! I don't know who the two guys are. I turn the picture over an' on the back I read this caption:
"SeГ±ora Fernanda Martinas succeeds in obtaining release on parole of her sister Zellara Riozos from the Oklahoma Women's Penitentiary."
Sufferin' Hell-cats! So Fernanda is Zellara's sister and all these goddam dames have made me look like somethin' that the cat found under a stick in the garden an' wouldn't eat.
I chuck the picture down an' I flop in a chair. I got it all right. That little wise-guy Caution has got things worked out at last just at the time when it's too late an' not likely to be any durn good to anybody.
I sit there lookin' in the glass in front of me an' realise that I am lookin' at the biggest sap that ever carried a "G" badge.
I reckon I got the whole sweet set-up because it looks to me that the brains in this business is not Jake Istria or Pinny Yatlin. It is stickin' out like the New Connecticut jetty that the ace brains in this job belong to the dames, and outa the lot of 'em I am rewardin' the prize to my little friend Fernanda Martinas.
Do you remember what I told you guys when I got back from the hacienda to Fernanda's casa in Mexico the night I found Pedro shot? Do you remember me reconstructin' that business an' tellin' you that I thought the reconstruction was lousy? Well, I was right.
I reckon I know why Fernanda shot Pedro an' it wasn't to save my life either.
I sit there feelin' sorta cold an' a little bit desperate, a way I don't often feel. Me, I reckon I am in a jam, an' if I am goin' to do any good for myself an' anybody else, I gotta take it easy an' use my headpiece.
Right then for no reason at all there flashes through my mind that remark of Ma Caution's, the time when she told me that maybe I would get some place some time if some dame didn't tear me in pieces first. Well, was she right or was she? Because I reckon I have been torn in pieces by three dames, not one, an' those dames are Fernanda Martinas, Zellara Riozos an' Georgette Istria.
I get some action. I grab off the telephone an' get through to Cy Hinks again. After a bit this guy gets outa bed an' talks to me.
"Listen, Cy," I tell him. "I'm in a spot. I gotta get some quick movement outa you. You tell me something, have you got those two boys on the Grande-Claremont Hotel?"
He says he ain't got two, he's got three. One of 'em is in there as a waiter an' two as guests. He says that Mrs. Istria blew in there on time an' she's got a suite on the first floor, that she's gone to bed.
"O.K.," I tell him. "I tell you what I want you to do, Cy. Don't make any mistakes. You get outa bed an' do this job yourself, an' the bill don't matter. Whatever it costs is O.K. Get yourself a car, get out to Neuilly. Out there is some place called Armine Lodge. You gotta find out all about the guy or guys who own that place, where they come from, what they're doin' there. Get a plan of the house even if you have to bribe somebody in the local surveyor's office with a thousand dollars to get it. I want to know every goddam thing you can find out about Armine Lodge an' everybody who's been connected with it for the last year.
"Now don't start shootin' off your mouth about what time of night it is. Get action. Wake 'em all up. Tell 'em somebody has left somebody else a million dollars an' you wants to find 'em quick, but get me information an' get it good.
"If there is people livin' there, find out where they get their provisions from, find out what time the delivery boys come, find out what letters go there, how many telephones they got. Just play around an' find out everything you can about this place. When you've done that you report personally to me, an' remember this, Cy, you're workin' for Uncle Sam this time."
"O.K.," he says. "I get it. I'll get action. But I do wish to God I could get one night in bed."
I hang up. I put the telephone down, take off my coat, undo my shirt collar an' go an' lie on the bed. I reckon that the news I have just got about Yatlin bein' bumped an' the picture that I have just looked at, the picture that shows me that Fernanda an' Zellara are sisters, have just about filled in the missin' blanks in the true set-up in this bezusus.
Work it out for yourself. Fernanda an' Zellara are sisters. Zellara was Pedro Dominguez's common-law wife. Afterwards Pedro gets around with Fernanda an' Zellara gets around with Yatlin.
O.K. So what? So this. Dominguez gets himself shot by Fernanda, an' Yatlin gets himself shot by Zellara.
Now have you got it or have you got it?
I grab a cigarette outa the box by the side of the bed an' light it. When I look at it I see the words "Lucky Strike." I grin. I remember when I saw those words before, when I was talkin' to Georgette, when I thought she was a lucky strike. She was, like hell she was!
Looking up at the ceilin' through the smoke, I see the whole goddam story. Here it is:
Pinny Yatlin is down in Mexico City because Chicago was a bit too hot for him. Somehow or other he gets to hear about these two chemists an' the gas formula, an' the hacienda in the desert. He gets through to Jake Istria an' says here's where they pull off a big job. Istria says yes get busy, so Yatlin starts organisin' it.
The first thing he wants is some Mexican guy who is good to do the killin' at the hacienda, so Zellara tells him that she knows the very guy; Pedro Dominguez is the man he wants. So they get Pedro in on this job. Pedro is to fix himself the job as guard at the hacienda an' to bump the chemists when the time comes.
O.K. About this time Pepper gets a line on this business. He don't know what it is all about, but he thinks he oughta investigate. He tried to get information outa Zellara because he thought he'd got somethin' on her because he knew her U.S. prison record. Zellara tells Yatlin an' Yatlin knows that Pepper has gotta be taken care of.
So Zellara puts Pepper on to Pedro who has got instructions to bump him off when he gets the chance. Right now Pedro is gettin' around with Fernanda Martinas. Pedro can't keep his mouth shut. He blows the whole works to Fernanda. I reckon it was Fernanda who tipped off Pinny Yatlin that it would be a great idea to double-cross Istria, to get both chemists down at the hacienda, grab off both halves of the formula an' then stand Istria up for eighty per cent of the dough. What could Istria say anyway?
An' I reckon it was Fernanda's idea, when she thought Istria was gettin' suspicious, to kidnap Grearson on the border before he got to the hacienda. Yatlin agrees an' they play it that way. But they didn't think that Istria would send one of his thugs with a moll inta Mexico, probably posin' as a coupla desert tourists, to blow inta the hacienda an' keep an eye on things.
An' these two get plenty suspicious an' start somethin'.
All right, there is a show-down. In that show-down Pepper who is stickin' around gets shot. It looks like Jamieson got killed, although there wasn't any trace of his body, but there was an explosion, an' when you come to remember that Istria's mobsters used to do some very heavy bombin' in the old days, blastin' in shop fronts an' blowin' up the places of people who wouldn't pay for protection, you don't have to think twice about that explosion. I reckon that the guy that Istria sent down there hadda coupla pineapple bombs in his suitcase just for luck, an' when Pedro Dominguez started a little gunplay this bozo started to chuck bombs, which would account for the funny sorta way that the hacienda looked with only two walls of that room blown out.
I reckon Pedro don't like this bomb stuff very much. He ain't used to it, so he scrams outa the hacienda good an' quick an' while he is out the Istria thug an' his girlie get their hooks on the Jamieson half of the formula, an' scram like they had a coupla rattle-snakes after them. They scram back to Chicago an' they hand it over to Jake. So now Jake knows that Yatlin is aimin' to pull a fast one.
So there is the set-up when I arrive on the scene. Fernanda is in on the job workin' with Zellara an' Yatlin. Didn't that wire say that she had a quarrel with her husband about dough? Well, Fernanda is a clever dame an' she knows that there is all the dough in the world in this job if it is pulled properly.
The next thing she hears is that I'm blowin' around Mexico lookin' for Pepper, so it is left to Pedro to get rid of me. Fernanda knows that I am lookin' for Pedro so she takes good care that I find him. He knows I will fall for that gettin' stuck in the jail stuff so as to be able to get his story from him nice an' quietly an' they both aim to get me bumped off "shot while attempting to escape." This keeps their noses clean about me an' any trouble about my death is goin' to lie between the U.S. an' the Mexican Governments.
You will realise that this dame Fernanda has surely got brains. But I bust outa that jail an' I do the thing that Fernanda don't expect. I turn up at her casa an' I tell her the truth. If you ask me why she didn't bump me off then, when she had the chance, the reason is because I told her a bitta hooey about havin' been on the telephone to our police across the border. She just daren't do it at that moment.
So she gets rid of me. She gets me off to the hacienda pretendin' to help me, to give time for Pedro to come back so they can have a meetin'.
Pedro comes back. Now I have told you guys before that I have always considered Pedro to be a small time bandit. I reckon when he heard that the U.S. Government was takin' a heavy interest in this business he didn't feel quite so good. Maybe he wanted to throw his hand in. If anybody was goin' to get scared he would, not Fernanda. So he gets tough. Maybe he wants payin' off an' to get outa the business.
So Fernanda does a little quick thinkin'. She knows durn well that Grearson has been snatched an' is on the boat on his way to France. She knows that Pedro has served his turn an' is anyway liable to talk when he's, drunk too much tequila.
So she grabs up my gun an' she shoots him, an' then she sticks him up in that chair an' leaves the light on so that when I come back I will see him, an' I will know that the dear little Fernanda has been nice an' brave an' has shot this wicked bandit just so he shouldn't lay for Lemmy Caution.
So much for Fernanda.
I swing myself off the bed an' I bring my mind to bear on this second hell-cat this Georgette, this dame who I thought was the one super lovely of the whole wide world, and who has played me along so sweetly that I reckon if the Director of the F.B.I. knew just what a sap I was he'd give me the air an' suggest that I oughta get a job croonin' or in some other sweet profession like that.
O.K. Well, I reckon I am goin' to have a little talk with this Georgette.
An' here we go!
XI. EXIT GEORGETTE
CAN life be lousy, but maybe you heard that one before.
Sittin' back in the cab that is takin' me around to the Grande-Claremont, puttin' two an' two together an' tryin' hard not to make six of it, I start wonderin' what in the name of everything that opens an' shuts am I goin' to do with this hell-cat dame Georgette when I get my hooks on her.
Two seconds' quiet thought an' any guy who is not absolutely eligible for election to the local nut-house will see that I am in a tough spot and that the Fernanda Martinas momma is holdin' all the cards. By now, the mobster whose job it was to bring over the Jamieson formula has got here. I reckon he started one or one an' a half days ahead of us an' if I am right about this it means that Fernanda and the Yatlin boys that she has got workin' with her over here are sittin' in right on top of the game an' have got me beat all ends up that is unless I can pull something very good out of the bag right away.
I come back to Georgette. This baby has got me properly steamed up, an' when I say steamed up I don't mean perhaps. I woulda put my shirt on this dame bein' on the up-an'-up and the double-cross that she has pulled on me just goes to show you that you don't ever know where you are with a doll.
An' the more a guy thinks that he knows about dames, an' the more experience he has stuffed inta his lifetime only goes to make him a worse sucker who falls hardest when some lovely with burnin' eyes gets up close to him an' gives him one of them "I-won't-say-yes-but-I-also-won't-holler" look that mean so much to a bozo who is right then tryin' to win the wide world cuddlin' handicap.
Me, I oughta have known better. I been over enough ground to know that when some wide-eyed blonde honeypot who has got a shape that would make the Queen of Sheba look like a stand-in for a ring-tailed baboon starts handin' out a line that begins with that old-time refrain "I can refuse you nothin'," it is time for a wise guy to pull out so fast that he will burn up the ground under him.
But he don't. He just thinks that it is all goin' to be different this time an' plays around tryin' to see how many times he can get his big strong arm around the baby's waist an' just how true it is that her lipstick is really waterproof an' won't come off all over his silly pan.
Maybe you heard of this great lover Casanova. Well, I reckon that if somebody come across with the truth this guy is just another big punk who is just beefin' about what he thought happened with all the dames that he got around with.
Because it is the inexperienced sap who has just come down off the farm, the guy who is so pop-eyed an' innocent that he thinks a brassiГЁre is a place in France where they go for a drink, that wins out with the clever babies. Why? Because he is so durned nutty that every hot momma who streaks across the horizon is tryin' to set the mug on his feet an' teach him all the things a young man should know before some other doll gets her hooks inta him.
Because she has always got a swell alibi. She can always say that she is tryin' to mother the big sap which is an alibi that was used by that dame Cleopatra when she was tryin' to get a strangle-hold on Mark Antony who was supposed to conquer Egypt but who got so steamed up about this baby an' her takin' ways that he woulda hocked the Roman Empire anytime she wanted somethin' new in step-ins.
I do not wanta get historical but I am tellin' you guys that Henry the Eighth was the first right royal palooka to find out that the only way you can stop a dame rushin' about the place an' wailin' that she has surrendered everythin' an' got nothin' for it but a succession of bilious attacks, an' shootin' off her mouth mornin' noon an' night about the way she has been let down, is by doin' what he usta do, an' that is sendin' an urgent an' confidential note around to the executioner tellin' him to sharpen up the old battleaxe an' slice the dame's pineapple in one try on the battlements at dawn prompt.
You're tellin' me!
But the question that is troublin' me right now is what I am goin' to do with this little double-crossin' sweetheart Georgette.
I get an idea. I stop the cab at the next telephone kiosk an' get out. I call through to this guy Varney at the U.S. Embassy an' am very glad to find that he is stickin' around. I have a little conversation with him an' he says that he reckons it will be O.K. to do what I want him to. After this I feel a bit better an' go on to the Grande-Claremont.
When I get there I have a word with the night reception guy an' tell him that Mr. Scalla wants to see Mrs. Georgette Istria rather urgent an' after a coupla minutes' wait she phones down to the desk will Mr. Scalla please go up.
Goin' up in the elevator I light myself a cigarette an' say that piece outa the Child's First Primer about keepin' cool, because the way I am feelin' at the moment I would like to take hold of this Georgette an' smack fourteen different kinds of sparks outa her. An' how would you feel?
