Restless, p.15
Restless, page 15
Her face falls before she looks back at me with tear-filled eyes.
"When you're ready to act like an adult again, instead of taking your aggression out on me, you know where to find me," I say before Willow runs off.
Even though Tiernan looks pale from the argument he's overheard, he goes after Willow, who seems to be shooing him off as she goes.
I open my locker and move to throw books in it when Finn speaks.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
"What do you care?" I throw at him as I fill my bag with the folders I need for my next few classes.
"Just because we aren't together doesn't mean I don't care," he mutters as I turn to him, his sad, icy blues blazing into me.
"Your actions say otherwise."
"How so?" he presses, leaning closer to me.
"When you start taking into consideration how your actions and inactions affect other people, I might start believing that. Until then, stay away from me, okay?"
I move to walk away, but Finn blocks me against the lockers.
"What happened here?" he growls as he picks at the collar of my turtleneck.
Oh god.
He sees the mark.
"Wouldn't you like to know?"
He pulls down the turtleneck and sees the full handprint on my neck. His eyes fall black with rage.
"Who did this?" His voice drips with hatred and venom.
For the briefest of moments, I almost give in and touch his face. He's so close, and I can see every frown line, every dimple, every last pore on his nose.
No, I can't. He's not mine anymore.
"Tell me," he demands, danger in his voice.
"No," I refuse. "I'm not going to let you use me as a reason to maim someone just because I had rough sex with someone who wasn't you," I growl back at him.
Hurt reflects in his eyes as he looks down at the mark on my neck.
"You let someone else touch you?" His finger trails down my neck, teasing the mark.
"I'm not going to sit around hoping you still want me after you fuck your way through the rest of this town," I admit.
"I don't want you sitting around waiting for me," he whispers as his face inches closer to mine.
I'm lost in his eyes, and I don't ever want to leave his bubble again.
"Then why do your eyes say differently?" I ask.
His palm slithers down my waist, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake, and my body awakens from his touch.
"Because I don't want anyone else touching you."
"You expect me to be a nun?"
"Expect? No. Want? Yes."
"Everything all right here?" Duncan suddenly pops up and bursts the bubble Finn created around me.
Damnit. I did it. I got stuck on Finn again. I can't let this keep happening.
"Yes, everything is okay. Let's get to class."
I slither away from Finn and latch my arm around Duncan's, hoping if I keep my hands busy I won't try to go back to that toxic cycle.
"What was that all about?" Duncan presses for more information.
"Men being territorial assholes and girls being self-centered bitches."
I'm not sure if I'm talking about Willow or me anymore.
Chapter Thirteen
Her
"What do you have planned this weekend?" I ask Duncan as we sit outside at the picnic table for lunch.
"Not much. My parents are going out of town for five days, so Clara and I are going to have the house to ourselves. It'll be nice. What about you?" he presses casually.
"Nothing at all, at least until Sorcha or one of the guys tries to rope me into something."
"Meaning what?" he asks.
"It's... Finn's birthday today."
Duncan scoffs and rolls his eyes.
"I know Sorcha. She's been understanding about the breakup, but she will somehow rope me in for something. She has a knack for doing that without even trying."
"And you're wanting to use me as an excuse to avoid it?" he asks.
"No, of course not. If I can avoid it, I'd just like to hang out. Is that so bad?" I ask, a little embarrassed by his suggestion.
"No, not at all. I'd much rather be hanging out with you than playing at the game tonight," he says with a charming smile.
"How about if I manage to avoid getting roped into Finn's birthday, I'll cheer you on in the stands like old times? I'll even wear your number," I flirt with him a bit.
"You really know how to butter a guy up."
I laugh as we finish up our lunch.
"Francine!" We both look up as Sorcha makes her way over to us.
"There goes you wearing my numbers," he jokes playfully.
"Hey, Sorcha," I say, standing close to Duncan in case I need an escape route.
"Hey. I need some help."
Of course, she does.
"Let me guess. Finn's birthday party?" Her face says it all. "Sorcha, I don't think that's a good idea."
"Come on. Please. I need some help. There will be too much testosterone flowing—no offense, Duncan—and, honestly, he wants you there."
Her words stun me for a minute.
Did she just say Finn wants me there? He's been avoiding me since our talk on Tuesday.
"Um, what?" I ask, unsure if I heard her right.
"Please. It's on Saturday. He wants you there, and the guys miss you. Just come and, if you want, you can leave after a few minutes. What's the worst that could happen?"
She's right. These are all people I know, and it's not like Finn is going to do something completely underhanded like some assholes would. Plus, if I don't like it, I can leave. No problem.
"Okay, fine, but if anyone pisses me off, I'm out," I warn her. That doesn't stop the way she cheers for joy.
"Great! I'll see you Saturday." Then she hops off with enthusiasm.
"So, are you still coming to the game?" Duncan asks jokingly.
"Uh, absolutely," I say excitedly as he throws his arm around my shoulder.
"Good. You can be my cheerleader."
I laugh as I playfully jab his side.
***
I cheer on Duncan from the stands as he races across the field with the football, heading for a touchdown. The Blue Ridge's linebacker gains on him as the entire defense team tries to pin him down, but Duncan is too fast for that. There's a reason why he's our star quarterback. This time, he's playing the position of wide receiver because he's the fastest, and the regular wide receiver was injured earlier in the game.
"Go, Duncan! Go!" I scream for him, and he passes the goal line with the football in his hand, signaling the end of the game and another win for our school.
I hurry out of the bleachers to congratulate him once he gets off the field, but as the team is exiting—out of nowhere—-Gloria fucking Santos appears and throws herself into him, trying to kiss him.
The sight fills me with unbridled rage, reminding me of all the years she's been after Duncan. Red-hot jealousy fills me, and it takes all my restraint not to throttle her.
"What the fuck are you doing, Gloria?" I hear Duncan growl at her. "Get the fuck away from me."
"Come on, Duncan. Why don't we go celebrate together?" She tries to flirt with him.
The rage is bubbling, and somehow, I end up with my hand around Gloria's throat, pinning her against the chain-link fence.
"You listen here, you little bitch. When someone says no, they mean no. It doesn't give you the right to push for more. You back the fuck off. If Duncan or any guy for that matter tells you no, you accept the rejection like a woman, not like an entitled little whore, all right?"
I release her and see Duncan staring at me with surprise as Gloria scowls at me.
"You're a fucking psycho, Gray!"
"Do you want to see how much of a psycho I can be? If you think I'm acting like a psycho now, you won't be able to fathom the real psycho. Try me. I dare you," I growl in her face.
Instead of continuing the fight, she scowls at me and rushes off.
Oh my god.
Did I really just go all territorial, jealous bitch over Duncan in front of half the school? Yes, I did. I completely lost it the second I saw Gloria with him.
Because I am a crazy bitch, and every part of me that has held back being jealous and possessive over Finn came out and attacked the bitch who wouldn't leave Duncan alone over the years.
Gloria never respected my relationship with Duncan, and I never spoke up about how much it pissed me off. Now, she knows better than to try something ever again.
I was so over the top. I expect Duncan to run off, but I should give him more credit than that.
He grabs me by the waist and pulls me against him, giving me a hard, passionate kiss.
In. Front. Of. Everyone.
I don't give a shit that the man is covered in sweat and grass. All that matters is I just as easily get lost in the moment as he does.
His tongue teases mine as it delves deeper, taking more of what he wants.
Me.
He wants me.
Not some busty brunette or every other girl in town that could warm his bed.
Duncan only wants me, and he makes it obvious every day. He doesn’t ever push for anything, but the desire is there in his eyes.
“Malloy, stop sucking face!” someone on the team yells.
Duncan pulls back and groans as he stares down at my face.
“I’ll be back, okay?” he says.
“Can’t wait,” I whisper as he walks away, knowing he can’t hear me.
***
I sit in the bleachers. The stadium has emptied out, and everyone has left... except for me.
I'm waiting for Duncan to come back from getting cleaned up, but I know it's a long process. It's not the first time I've sat here waiting for him. For years, this is what I did every Friday night—sitting in the bleachers with his family.
This time, his family isn't here. This is probably his first game that his parents have missed. They are truly dedicated to being there for their son. It goes to show how much they love him.
"Sorry that took so long," Duncan says as he rounds the corner.
"I'm used to it," I mutter with a smile across my face.
He takes a seat next to me and lets out a ragged breath.
"I'm sorry if—me kissing you—was too pushy. And the thing with Gloria," he says with sadness.
Him kissing me was a pushy move, but I can't deny I liked it. It made me feel desired for more than just my body, and it's something I've been needing, but I won't tell him that. I can't give him the wrong idea and end up hurting him.
"Was it just the one time?" I ask suddenly.
"Was what?"
"You... cheating on me," I finish, feeling the self-conscious side of me taking root.
"Yeah, just the one time," he admits in shame. "I'm sorry that happened. I shouldn't have left the beach with Gloria. I just didn't know how to help you. Then, we just talked for a very long time, and she told me that you were screwing around on me with Finn."
My mind implodes from the bomb he's just dropped.
"She said she saw you in the changing tent with him and out in the woods. I was so upset that I just... I don't know. She kept pushing for me to let her help me feel better. After a while, I just gave in because why the fuck not, right? I thought my girlfriend was screwing the guy I hated more than anyone else in the world, but as soon as I saw your face, I knew she was lying," he admits.
It all makes sense. Gloria tricked him and used his vulnerability against him, but with him opening up to me like this, I can't hold anything back.
"She was lying, and she wasn't at the same time."
Duncan's eyes shoot to mine with heartache in them.
"What?"
"I think it's time I tell you the complete and honest truth about what was going on with me and Finn, but I know it might upset you and make you hate me. Just know my whole speech to Gloria didn't only have to do with her. It had to do with Finn, too," I admit before looking down at my hands.
I tell him everything. The bet. All the run-ins I avoided. Finn taking me home. Finn's annoyance with my no-cheating rule.
"There were good and bad things about it. His insistence pushed past all the barriers in my mind for everything, but I also wish he'd left well enough alone," I admit.
"That's all very... borderline cheating," Duncan mutters.
I nod with tears in my eyes. "I set boundaries, but every once in a while, he'd forget them, and I'd have to remind him. Most of that time, we weren't together."
"What of it were we together?" he asks.
"When he drove me home from school, the beginning of the bet, the thing in the woods, and when he took care of me after the night on the beach," I explain.
"What exactly happened in the woods?" he presses for more.
"Finn was... punishing me," I say as he stares at me like I'm speaking a foreign language.
"What do you mean by punishing you?"
"Ever heard of BDSM? We never actually had the talk about it, but from my research, I think Finn is what they call a Daddy Dom. Mostly, his thing was he wanted to take care of me and protect me. If I did something I knew he wouldn't be happy with, he punished me, which usually consisted of him spanking me," I tell him, uncertain how he'll react to this.
"And you were into that?" he asks.
"At first, I thought it was a bit weird and wasn't comfortable with liking it, but yeah. That wasn't the only part of the kink stuff that we did."
"What else?" he presses.
I look up at him to gauge his response, but he just stares at me with curiosity in his eyes. He's not angry.
"Well, he would give me orders in and out of the bedroom, pull my hair, put his hand around my throat—not to choke me but as an expression of control—tie me up, blindfold me. Then, after sex was over, he would tend to whatever marks I had—scratches, bruises, etc. Usually, the sex was rough, and I liked it like that," I admit, embarrassed by explaining my desires and the things Finn and I did together.
Duncan suddenly begins to laugh, and I scowl at him.
"Are you laughing at me?" I ask, figuring he is. What else would he be laughing at?
"No. I'm laughing at me," he says while trying to calm down his fit.
"Why?"
Duncan takes a deep breath before running a hand through his damp hair. "All these years, I've been ashamed of myself," he starts. "I come from your average family that grew up in the suburbs. There was nothing wrong with my upbringing. I wasn't abused, neglected, or anything, but I had my own desires I thought were demented when we started dating. Things I wanted to do to you, and I was worried you would figure it out, so I never pushed for us to have sex or anything. It never, ever occurred to me that in a million years, you might have the same kind of desires. That's why I'm laughing. I'm laughing at my own stupidity."
I stare at him blankly for a moment as I collect my thoughts. Duncan has the same sorts of desires as Finn? Isn't that ironic as fuck?
"I never got that kind of vibe from you," I say.
He shrugs nonchalantly. "I've become very good at hiding it. After six years of pretending those desires don't exist, you almost trick yourself into feeling that way."
"Have you... done any of those things with anyone?" I ask, a little worried about his answer.
"No," he says. "I was only with Gloria that one time, and then... well, I hooked up with this one girl while you were with Finn, but I didn't do any of the things I wanted to with her. I just thought maybe if I had meaningless sex with some random girl that, I might forget how I feel about you, but that doesn't work quite the way some people pretend it does. It makes you less sad because of the endorphins, but not much else, and I was really down on myself. I just had to accept that it didn't matter what I did because you already had a foot out the door before everything with Finn and Gloria. I just didn't want to see it."
"Duncan," I mutter as I place my hand over his. I want to tell him the truth—that I've started developing feelings for him that I've never had before—but I still haven't sorted through them, and I don't want Duncan to be a rebound.
"You don't have to say anything. I know you don't feel that way about me."
Is he really that blind?
"Duncan," I start again. "I just had my heart trampled over, so I get it. I did the same thing," I admit. "More than once. I thought if I did it more, it would make everything hurt less, but it didn't," I admit with guilt clear in my voice.
"Who?" he asks.
"That's the ironic part. He's one of Finn's friends," I tell him.
I chance looking at Duncan, and he seems stunned.
"Wow."
"Yup. The really sad part is I made Willow feel like shit when she confronted me about it. She saw him coming to my house, and she went off about it. I got all defensive, and I've been such a crappy friend to her. The only reason T agreed to it was because he was trying to get over her. I screwed the guy she's nuts about. It makes me feel like a horrible person. It would be different if I actually had feelings for him, but it had nothing to do with emotion. We were both just reaching for something neither of us could provide. Emotionless sex is just stupid, and it does nothing except give you five minutes of pleasure if you're lucky." We sit in silence for a moment, and I wonder if Duncan is going to go off on me about what I've just told him.
My grief has turned me into someone I don't recognize, someone I don't want to be.
"It's called making a mistake. It doesn't make you a horrible person. Everyone does something stupid every once in a while. Mistakes are what make you human. No one expects you to be perfect all the time. Give yourself a break." He puts his arm around me, and I lean in close to him, wrapping myself in the comforting scent of his coconut body wash.
"Thank you," I whisper and feel the ghost of a kiss run across my forehead as he breathes me in.
"No problem."
***
I spend most of my Saturday in my room listening to the angry, traumatized words of Sky Dxddy, a music artist I recently found on TikTok. I love her music. I'm not usually one for angry rap, but her words connect with me on every level of comprehension. I understand so much, but the song of hers that gets to me the most is Triggered. It reminds me of the years my mom belittled my trauma over and over again.
