In the beginning, p.111
In The Beginning, page 111
“First you need to open up your eyes to see where you're going.”
My heart was racing. However, I didn't have much of a choice. I could either let myself rot in that bed, wherever the hell we were, or I could try to muster up some strength.
With a sigh, I opened my eyes slowly, tentatively. I was met with the soft light of a lamp, the only thing illuminating the otherwise dark room. And then I was met with gray eyes that swirled with blue, so intense and worried that my breath caught in my throat. More than anything, it was the warm smile that accompanied them that made me falter.
It said everything would be okay.
That he wouldn't leave me, not again.
The problem was that I no longer believed it.
It was in that moment that I realized how broken my trust was. I didn't believe in anyone anymore. When it became too much to bear, I looked up to the ceiling and simply stared. His eyes were still on me but I couldn't look at him; I was ashamed.
“What time is it?” I asked.
“It's only five,” he murmured, brushing my hair out of my face. I tensed, both hating and craving more of his touch. I turned away from him not missing the way his smile fell. “You should rest more. I bet the hangover will suck if you're not at least well rested.”
“I'm fine,” I mumbled, closing my eyes.
I felt like complete and utter shit. There was so much to still confront, and I felt too weak to do it. All my courage was gone.
“Did you see it?” I wasn't sure that I wanted the answer to that question. If he saw it then that meant that not only did my class see it, but others probably had that video in their possession as well.
“David is handling it,” Nathan replied. That was my answer.
“The whole…school?”
“Your professor informed the Dean immediately. I'm sure it's being handled, Evie.”
Scoffing, I sat up, shaking my head. “It doesn't matter, Nathan. Everyone probably saw it already. Besides, you have nothing to worry about. Your face was blurred.”
Nathan stiffened next to me. He looked away and dread filled me. There was more to it, there were things that I still didn't know.
“What is it?” I hissed, pulling my eyebrows together. “Who else got it?”
He lay on his side, head propped up with a hand and the other hand on my bare thigh. Nate cleared his throat as he searched for the courage to say whatever else had happened. “Listen, Evie…David is already trying to handle it.”
“Who else got it?” I asked again, needing to hear the truth.
“The company board members,” Nathan said.
“No,” I breathed, shaking my head. “No. How? I don't understand, who would do that to me, Nathan?” I asked searching for an answer. “I've done nothing to hurt anyone, nothing. Who would—”
My eyes widened at the realization and my heart broke even more. My lip quivered as the cold dose of reality ran through my veins. “No…she wouldn't do that to me.”
Nathan said nothing and that was enough. That was all the answer I needed.
“No,” I sobbed. “No. Why would she do this to me? Why? I'm not perfect but I don't deserve this.”
Nathan pulled me into his arms, wrapping them around me as I cried. I never thought she would do something like that to me, no matter how bad of a relationship we had. I thought she would at least have an ounce of respect for me. However, she truly didn't care and that was the ultimate proof.
***
When I woke up again a few hours later, Nathan had an arm wrapped around me while he was sound asleep. I let myself admire him for a moment; as much as I still loved him, I didn't feel like things would ever be the same between us.
There were things yet to be explained and perhaps that's what was missing, but I was too betrayed to feel anything other than anger or pain. I ran my fingers over his face, memorizing his peaceful expression as he rested. I placed my fingers over his soft lips. Lips I would always remember. Lips that knew my body better than I did.
“I love you,” I whispered, giving him a kiss.
“Why does this feel like a goodbye?” he asked, opening his eyes. I bit my lip, unable to find an answer. It wasn't a goodbye, but it was definitely a break from us, from everything. I needed time to clear my mind, try to get myself together. Try to find myself because I didn't even know who I was anymore.
“I need you to tell me exactly what happened, Nathan,” I said, finally gaining the courage to confront what happened between us. “I need to know everything, why this happened because I—I don't understand where I messed up. I don't get it.”
“I'll tell you everything as soon as you eat something, okay?”
“I'm not—”
“I know you're not hungry, Evie, but you need to eat. Deal?”
The genuine concern in his eyes was what convinced me. He looked so worried. Nathan called room service while I went ahead and brushed my teeth and washed my face. My eyes were swollen and my face was free of any makeup. I looked like a disaster. Still, Nathan kept looking at me with such care that it hurt.
After I put on a robe, we ate in silence, the sun shining through the window trying to brighten up the day. It wasn't working, not for me. I could tell Nathan was struggling, searching for a way to tell me the things that had happened without my knowledge. Still, he was trying to protect me.
But I didn't want to be protected anymore, I didn't want to be shielded from reality. My heart was already broken. What did it matter if there was another crack added?
It couldn't possibly make it worse.
As hurt as I was, I knew I'd find a way to keep going. I never thought I would find a way to recover after Nana's death and yet, as much as it hurt, I was still there. Still breathing. But I had Nathan then.
Now I wasn't sure who was with me.
“Just tell me what happened,” I said quietly.
Nathan took a deep breath, setting his fork down. He searched my face for any doubt or hesitation. When he didn't find it, he started talking, telling me about how my sister bribed him with the video and the divorce. How she'd asked him to end things with me or she'd publicize the video. How they'd all signed an agreement in which they stated no one was to bring the subject up.
What broke my heart was hearing how my own blood had gotten the idiot who had tried to rape me to do the dirty work. She knew how much he'd hurt me and that didn't matter to her. All that mattered was her desire to tear me apart. What type of sick and twisted individual would do that?
I found no comfort in knowing that she supposedly regretted what she had done because I knew she regretted it for the wrong reasons. Ironically, board members had also received the video. It was just what she needed to get me voted off. It was just something that she knew Josh would do. It had been too much of a coincidence to be an accident. And my parents, I expected nothing from them, not after everything. It turned out that I was alone, I only had myself to rely on and it was the worst feeling ever.
“I wish you would have told me,” I said, looking away from him.
Nodding, he took my hand in his, running his thumb over my knuckles. “I should have, and I'm sorry that I didn't. I thought…I thought I was protecting you, but I was stupid, Evie. If I had known…fuck, if I'd known I would have never hidden this from you.”
“I know,” I said with a small smile.
I stood up, walking over to the window. It was so beautiful outside, the type of day you just want to enjoy with your loved ones outside.
Nathan walked up behind me, turning me around and cupping my face in his hands.
“I'm so sorry, Evelyn,” The apology cut straight through my heart..
“It's not your fault, Nathan. I just wish things were different…”
Nathan swallowed, leaning in and kissing me. I sighed, closing my eyes at the tender touch. It wasn't passionate, it wasn't the type of kiss that makes you want to take off all your clothes. It was the type of kiss that's heart-wrenching. The type of kiss that you give when there are no words to express the sorrow and guilt felt.
A kiss full of uncertainty.
I broke it off, remaining with my eyes closed.
“You were right about one thing, though,” I whispered, swallowing.
“What is it?”
I gave him a sad smile, running my fingers through his hair one last time.
“It is time for us to take a little break.”
CHAPTER 42
Evelyn
Nathan winced as if the words had physically hurt him. As if the words had made contact with his heart and made it bleed. He lowered his hand away from my face and took a step back, creating distance between us. It hurt, but I stayed where I was, realizing that it was for the best. If I was close to him, I'd want him to hold me like he always did. I couldn't risk it. I had to stay strong.
I nibbled on my lip, wrapping my arms over myself as if it would ease the pain that I also felt.
“Frankly, I think that taking a break—it's the stupidest thing I've done,” Nathan said, scratching the back of his head. “I mean, I've fucked up a lot but not being with you is the dumbest choice I've made.”
“I don't know who I am anymore,” I said, trying to keep it together. “I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. I'm lost, Nathan. I need to figure out who I am and I need to do it on my own.”
Nathan sighed, running his hand over his face. Through the pain in his expression, I also saw understanding.
Pride.
“I get it, Evie. I just wish I could be with you through all of it,” he said quietly.
I took a seat at the edge of the bed, placing my hands on my lap, my gaze set on the floor. Why is it so damn hard to leave the past behind?
Nathan knelt in front of me, tilting my chin up. “I understand, Evelyn. You've been hurt in a way you never were before, you're trying to get through it. It's okay to look out for yourself first.”
“Yeah,” I breathed, unable to find other words to express what I felt. “I feel guilty though. For doing this to you, like I'm being selfish.”
Nathan shook his head, a crooked smile on his face. “Selfish? You've got to be joking. You are perhaps the most selfless person I've met,” he murmured. “I think it's actually time for you to be a little selfish, to look out for yourself.”
“But I'm hurting you.”
His gaze softened. “I don't think hurt begins to describe what this feels like, but I love you more for it. It fills me with pride to know that you are wise enough to realize that you're not yourself, that you need time for you. And again, it proves how selfless you are. If you were different you'd want me to be with you despite it.”
“If this is what I want, why doesn't it hurt less?” I asked him.
Because you don't really want to leave him.
You love him.
“You know I'll always be here for you, right? And I'm incredibly proud of the woman you've become.”
“I'm not,” I said, wiping away a tear. “I feel like somewhere along the way I lost myself…like I don't even know what my purpose in life is.”
“The past few months have been difficult,” Nathan agreed. “It's okay. You’re allowed to feel however it is you feel. There's no one that can blame you for that, and I sure as hell don't.”
I thanked him and gave him the most honest smile I could. Pressing my lips to his, I wrapped my arms around him, savoring it. “You're my first love,” I murmured, “The only one I'll ever love.”
He smiled, swallowing. “I'll always love you, Evie.”
Nathan sighed, taking my hands in his, staring at them as if it was the last time held them. I didn't judge him, maybe it was.
“Do you know what you're going to do?” he finally asked, meeting my gaze once again.
“Yeah. I do actually.”
“Okay,” he said, with a smile. “I'm with you, every step of the way.”
***
I walked into Tessa's bar later that evening after the long conversation I had with Nathan. I was both heartbroken yet in the midst of that I had a sense of hope. I knew I would find a way to move on, be relatively happy.
“You look much better than you did yesterday,” Tessa said with a smile, hugging me.
I hugged her back. I needed it.
“Is Carter here already?” I asked, searching the bar. Sure enough, Carter was seated in the back of the establishment, conversing with Poison.
“Good friends, those two,” Tessa smiled. “Go take a seat, I'll bring you a drink. What do you want?”
“Just a lemonade. No more getting drunk for me,” I said with a small smile.
She nodded, squeezing my shoulder before I walked off. The bikers waved at me, some of them greeting me with a 'special' handshake they had designated, others with a simple nod my way. Either way, I felt welcome…at home.
“Thank fuck,” Poison said, standing up and embracing me. “You ever pull that shit again I swear I'll find you and disappear you myself,” she scolded. “You don't get to do that, not when there are so many people that worry about you. Old man Carter was worried sick and the group was out searching for you. Plus, drunk does not look good on you.”
I giggled, tears flooding my eyes. “Well, I think you may have to disappear me now because I'm leaving.”
Both Carter and Poison looked at me with a confused expression. “What are you talking about?” Poison asked, her forehead creasing with worry.
“I'm leaving,” I said. “I just have a couple of things to deal with before I do, but I'm here to say goodbye.”
“Oh, honey,” she said, shaking her head.
“It's time for me to start over,” I explained with a sigh. “I'm going miss you, though. All of you. You've all been very nice to me.”
“What a shame,” Poison said with sincerity. “I was just telling the boys that we needed to give you your own jacket, maybe even a bike.”
“I'd kill myself in one of those,” I laughed. “But thank you,” I said, taking her hand in mine. “Thank you very much for everything.”
She went on with the group of bikers and approached Tessa, all of them talking over by the bar while I sat with Carter.
“So you're sure about this?” Carter asked. He'd tried to talk me out of it but my mind was set. I needed to figure out what to do with myself, figure out what the hell I wanted.
“Yeah. Are you still wanting to go to New York?”
“Sure am,” he smiled. “But I can't help but think that you're making a mistake.”
I looked down, biting my lip nervously. “Am I?”
“What you and Nathan have, it doesn't come around often. Trust me. I know.”
I sighed, resting my face in my hands. “I don't know what to do, Carter. Nana always knew what to say and now she isn't here…I keep thinking this is right and then I think that leaving Nate is a bad idea, that I'll never forgive myself for doing that.”
Carter exhaled. It was as if he was gathering all the wisdom he'd gain over the years. He tapped his fingers on the table before clearing his throat and speaking up.
“The way I see it, you have two choices. You leave to New York with me, forever question what would have happened between you and Nathan. Or you could leave with me and Nathan, the man that you love and loves you back and get your answers. If it doesn't work out, at least you know you tried, you won't live wondering what would have happened had you just let him be with you.”
“But I'm not the same girl he met, Carter. I don't know who I am. And it's not like love can magically fix me, like it'll automatically answer all my questions.”
Carter nodded in agreement. “It sure won't. But let me tell you this: it'll make it more bearable.”
“I don't know what to do,” I groaned.
“Well, you're going to have to figure it out,” Carter said.
I furrowed my eyebrows. “Why?”
“He's here,” he said, nodding towards the door.
Nathan wasn't alone. He was accompanied by David and his wife, and Jenna, even Professor Lanthorn and his wife. My breath caught in my throat at the sight in front of me. They all held a gift.
They came over to the table where Carter and I sat, all of them with sad smiles on their faces. I stood up, hugging David first. He'd spent the last few hours working and trying to get everything ready for tomorrow; I was grateful to him for his effort, his loyalty.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Tomorrow will be hectic so we decided to drop by, say our goodbyes.”
His wife Jacqueline embraced me next, placing a kiss on my head. “You've grown up to be a fine young woman, Evelyn. Your grandmother would be proud.”
“Thanks,” I choked out.
“You bitch.” She wiped away her tears…this was yet another goodbye. “You always leave.”
I laughed, embracing my lifelong friend. “I'll miss you, Jen.”
“Yeah, yeah. Me too,” she whispered. “Thank Nathan, he got everyone together for you, again.”
Professor Lanthorn and his wife gave me a small box next, both of them giving me a warm hug.
“It's been very nice to know you, Evelyn. I know I'll hear about you when you're among the greats. I am sure of it,” Professor Lanthorn said with a grin. “Should you ever need a letter of recommendation, just email me, I'll be happy to write one for you.”
“Thanks,” I smiled.
I turned around, catching Nathan's eye from the other side of the bar. He sat back, talking casually with Poison with his gaze fixed on us. He smiled, it didn't meet his eyes completely but there was a sense of peace there that I could feel deep in my heart. It eased my worries; he didn't resent me.
The door to the bar opened again, everyone's attention turning to see who it was. When I saw who walked in, I couldn't help the smile that formed on my face. Again, thanks to Nathan.
Karla grinned when she saw me, rushing towards me and hugging me.
“Oh, my God,” I breathed. “What are you doing here?”
“That genius back there flew me in,” she said. “I'm so sorry for what happened to you, Evie, but I'm so happy that you're not alone.”
