In the beginning, p.123
In The Beginning, page 123
“Here.” I hand him the journal.
J.J. grabs it without question, resting his head further on my leg. I remain sitting upright with my legs crossed and hands roaming his hair. He doesn’t flinch or show any outward signs as he reads it. I’m not sure how he does it because the man typically shows every emotion on his features.
“Ready to burn it. Bury it forever?” He glances up at me.
I nod. It’s one memory I never want to haunt me again. J.J. tears the paper from the notebook and hands it to me. He’s always there by my side but allows me to take all control. I get up from the bed and walk over to the fireplace. I glance one more time down at the words, feeling the horrific pain and sheer terror for the last time before I let the paper flutter in the fireplace. Jordan will always haunt me, but with each journal entry, his power diminishes.
I turn back to the man who has freed me in so many ways and stride to him with confidence. I can’t help but think about how he was abused as a child yet stands before me, oozing power and confidence. It gives me hope.
“We better get downstairs for lunch before Faye comes up here with her wooden spoon.” J.J. wraps his arms around me, pulling me to his chest.
“I’m not ready for lunch, though.” I run my palms up his strong back.
“No?” He peers down at me with a gleam in his rich chocolate eyes.
I shake my head, bringing my hands to his front, and fumble with the button of his jeans. I’m still not certain of all my moves with him. But I do know I’m addicted to the way he makes me feel. I get high on it and want to drown in him, where I feel safe and loved.
“Hey now.” He grabs my hands, stilling them. “I’m in control here, baby.”
He guides me back to the bed until my calves meet the mattress. He gently lays me on the bed, tugs down my panties, and spreads my legs.
“J.J.” I whimper, still uncomfortable when he goes down on me.
It doesn’t stop him as he kisses away the pain of yet another scar. He’s devoted when he does this, making me feel nothing but him. Then he’s running his fingers through my folds. My back arches up off the bed with the mere contact. I’m wet and thirsty for more with a simple touch.
“Fucking perfection.” He darts his tongue out, licking me. “Fucking better than any drink of Jack. This right here is all I need for the rest of my life.”
He dives deeper, spreading my folds, filling me with one finger then two as he licks and swirls his tongue over my clit. My head spins out of control as I buck up against his mouth, seeking out friction to send me over the edge. My fingers dig into the down comforter, struggling to keep a grip on reality.
“J.J.!” I manage to get out before detonating into a blissful orgasm.
His body covers mine before I have a chance to recover. He glides into me without warning or asking. I fucking crave it. He makes it all disappear and builds hope for the future.
“God, every day I’m going to cherish this temple of perfection.” His lips graze my jawline as he moves in and out of me.
The base of his dick grinds against me, and I’m there again. Right there on edge and when he growls out his release, I’m a goner.
“Kids,” Faye sings out and raps on the door, “time for lunch.”
“Shit,” J.J. growls in the crook of my neck.
“Move.” I push up against his shoulders.
It’s too late as the door swings open, and Faye gasps, covering her eyes. I hide mine as well, hoping like hell to disappear. J.J. hasn’t been secretive about us, but we also don’t put ourselves on display.
“Just hurry down before the soup cools.” The door shuts.
I bust out laughing, feeling like a teenager who was just busted in the act. J.J. finds it comical as well since his chest vibrates against mine. It’s in moments like these I know everything will be okay. It’s us in raw honesty without the threat of the world looming in on us.
J.J. snags a warm washcloth from the bathroom, cleaning me up then dressing me before we head downstairs. My cheeks flame with embarrassment even though nobody says a word. I settle on the barstool and get lost in J.J.’s Kindle. He’s downloaded all sorts of mothering books. I even caught him reading a few chapters.
I haven’t dared to ask about my daughter. It’s all too real, and I’ve had my hopes up many times in my lifetime only to have them tossed aside. I get lost in the ebook as I finish my bowl of homemade potato soup. J.J.’s and Kemp’s voices fill the silence. They’re talking numbers and mergers with Big Enterprise. I have no idea how he’s done it, but he has. J.J. continues to run his business like the natural boss he is. Crushes me to think that once he was also abused. He overcame it, and that fact alone brightens my world.
“Boss.” The front door opens, and a booming voice fills the open kitchen living area.
J.J. turns in his chair and gives a jerk of his chin.
“She’s here.”
Two words that turn my world upside down.
“Okay.” He stands and walks to the door.
I can’t move. I remain cemented to my seat with jaw slack. Faye’s at my side, gripping my shoulders, offering up silent strength. It does nothing for me.
Sunlight beams through the open door. I’ve been given strict instructions not to go outside. The only chance I have to get fresh air is the second-floor deck with J.J. where he sips on his whiskey, smokes a joint, and listens to Johnny Cash. It’s his way of unwinding.
I hear voices on the porch then footsteps. I muster up the courage to peer up. The scene before me stops my beating heart and is the final undoing to falling in love with J.J. My heart belongs to him for so many reasons, but this is everything.
He crouches down in front of a little girl with wild, curly brown hair. Her chin is dipped to her chest, and her fingers tremble at her side.
“Hey there, gorgeous. I’m J.J.”
She peers up at him, tears brimming her brilliant eyes. They’re mine. She’s mine. There’s no doubt in my mind. My hand mindlessly goes down to the scar on my abdomen. My tears fall down my face.
“This is your new home for now.” He grabs her tiny hand. “Are you hungry?”
She doesn’t move or answer him. J.J. doesn’t push her, just stands upright and guides her into the house. The beautiful little girl glances over to me. She stares for a long time, remaining quiet. I see it as it dawns on her features. She knows me as well. There’s confusion, but also the bond between a mother and daughter that can never shatter no matter how hard evil tries.
“Here, sweetie.” J.J. picks her up, placing her on a barstool next to me. “Let’s get you some soup.”
She buries her face in her arms on the top of the island. Faye fixes a bowl of soup and whips together a grilled cheese for her. J.J. stands behind me, wrapping his arms around my middle.
“Talk to her,” he whispers. “She needs you. She’s scared.”
I turn to face him. “I can’t.”
“You can.” He nods, kissing me quickly on the forehead and backing away.
It takes everything inside of me to not reach out to J.J. He’s giving me this time.
“I-I like your jacket.” I brush my fingers over the tattered light blue jacket.
Her clothes are ragged, and her hair is a beautiful mess. It takes long moments for her to look up at me.
“You have my hair and nose.” I tap her nose.
“Wh-wh-who are you?” she stutters out.
I lick my lips and swallow through the thick emotion clogging my throat. “I’m your mom.”
“I don’t have a mom,” she whispers.
Her sweet voice and tender words are my undoing. I break on the inside. I don’t hold back the tears as I grab her, pulling her to my chest.
“You do have a mom. I’m right here. You are safe and loved.” I repeat the words J.J. has spoken to me so many times. A surge of power ignites inside me. I’ll do anything until this beautiful little girl believes me.
“Why did you leave me?” Her question shreds me, but one I knew I’d have to face.
Her little body grows stiff in my arms.
“A very bad man took you away from me. He’ll never hurt us again. We have an army behind us.” I kiss the top of her head. “I love you. God, I love you so much.”
“Let her eat, dear.” Faye sets down a glass of milk on the island top.
I set her back in her seat. “Are you hungry?”
She nods and picks up her sandwich, devouring it. Faye places an apple in front of her as well. She and Faye find an easy conversation, which I’m thankful for.
“What’s your name?” Faye leans on the island with a bright smile on her face.
“They call me Jordy, and I hate it.” Her fingers tremble around her spoon.
They’ve hurt her. She’s terrified. The sound of what they called her destroys me.
“How about we pick a new name for you?” The words are out of my mouth before I can process them.
“Really?” Her eyes light up. It’s the first sign of happiness.
“Yes, you can pick anything, and it will be your new name.” I lean in and hug her, not able to help myself. I glance up to see J.J. standing at the end of the island with his arms crossed over his broad chest. He gives me a gentle nod of reassurance.
“How about Belle?” her timid voice asks.
“I love Belle, and you look like one.”
“I saw a movie once, and the princess’s name was Belle. She wore a yellow dress, and yellow is my favorite color. It’s like the sun. I love the sun.”
“You are a beautiful princess, Belle.” I kiss her forehead.
She flinches, not welcoming the touch. Time. It will take time, and all I have is time.
“Hey, it’s movie time around here.” Kemp stands up. “And I do believe we have Beauty and the Beast.”
He makes his way into the living room. Belle watches every single movement. Her eyes light up when he turns on the television. I don’t even want to know how many times she’s been mistreated. It’s evident in her features. She turns back around, picking up a corner of crust and her apple. She stows both of them in her coat pocket.
I reach for her arm, but Faye clears her throat and shakes her head. Kemp walks over to us, reaching out his arms for Belle. She takes his help easing down from the stool and follows him to the living room. She doesn’t take a seat on the couch or recliners, instead settles on the floor, crossing her legs.
Her jacket is gaping at the pockets, showing the bundle of food she’s kept close to her. I panic, realizing how traumatized she is. It’s my entire fault. I didn’t save her from the monster. I should’ve run the moment I found out I was pregnant.
“Breathe, Sparrow, breathe.” J.J. wraps me in his arms and kisses the top of my head.
“She’s so sad.” I grip his shirt.
“She’s in new surroundings. It will take time. She’ll never have to fear or want again. We’ve got her.”
“I’m lost, J.J. When I look at her, I know it’s all my fault for what she’s gone through.”
He grabs my face, forcing me to look up at him. “I have no idea what she’s been through, but I guarantee it was better than being under Jordan’s roof.”
He kisses me quickly and then walks away. I feel torn and shredded studying Belle’s back as she watches the movie with Kemp. I have no idea how much time passes before J.J. is back at my side. He hands me my journal.
“Write it out and burn it from your memory forever. This is your new beginning.” He saunters into the living room and relaxes on the couch.
“Dude, I’m so the beast,” Kemp pipes up.
“Keep dreaming, man. Keep dreaming,” J.J. replies.
The men argue a few beats like they would any other day. Belle glances between both of them, intrigued in their conversation.
“You couldn’t pull off being Chip even if you tried, dumbass.” J.J. tosses a maroon throw pillow at Kemp’s head.
Belle giggles at the two men then focuses back on the television. The innocent, blissful melody of her laughter fuels me to write words down in the journal, sealing away awful memories forever. The future is the only thing ahead of me. I’m focusing on that.
Chapter 17
J.J.
Navy is a beautiful mother. Watching her experience each raw emotion makes my chest tight. Belle has given the movie all her attention. I let Navy take her time writing in her journal.
Fucking Kemp quotes more lines from the movie than any man should. Each time, Belle grins in appreciation toward him. Faye places a bowl of popcorn and a box of apple juice in front of her. She eats one piece then stuffs a piece in her pocket.
Navy finally slips off the barstool and heads upstairs. I know what she’s doing. Burning another page of her life. I don’t need to read it to know what it’s about. She’s written away the pain of not being able to save her daughter.
The couch dips down by my feet. Navy perches on the end staring at Belle. I spread my legs until she relaxes back, then I reach down, grabbing her hand in mine.
We don’t watch the movie; we watch Belle eating one piece of popcorn and tucking a piece in her pocket. Navy winces. I grip her hand tighter, letting her know it will all be okay.
Faye settles in an oversized chair, knitting and watching the movie now and then. I continue to squeeze Navy’s hand in reassurance. She’s handling this like a champ. I see her strong stature reflecting back at me, reminding me of the day I brought her into my home. Still have no idea what voodoo magic has me drawn to her, but I do know I’m over-thinking it.
The credits of the movie begin scrolling. Navy sits up, rigid, watching Belle shake.
“Honey, are you okay?” She’s on the floor next to her.
Belle shakes her head and then stands. There’s a wet spot underneath her and urine soaking the front and back of her pants.
“It’s okay.” Faye hops up from her chair, ready to take care of the situation.
“Faye,” I correct her.
I can tell it takes everything inside her to sit back down and let Navy handle the situation.
“C’mon, baby girl, it’s okay.” Navy cradles Belle’s quivering shoulders, guiding her to the bathroom. “It’s fine. Accidents happen.”
My chest constricts in brutal pain. Little, sweet Belle, a mirror image of her mother the day I met her. How some asshole can do this to another human is beyond me. I let Navy guide her daughter to the bathroom then follow behind them. I have to give her this power and moment.
I peek around the door jamb just in time to catch Navy filling a cup of water then splashing it on her crotch. Belle gasps and slaps her petite palms over her mouth.
“Now we match.” Navy squats, holding out a hand as if she’s trying to tame a wild animal. “Baby girl, accidents happen, and you’ll never get in trouble for them. Do you hear me? You are safe and loved.”
Navy glances down to her wet jeans. Belle hesitates before she erupts in giggles, pointing at the wet denim. I can’t see her face but can picture Navy’s smile. It’s an ear-to-ear grin that lights up her eyes.
“Let’s take a bath.” Navy stands back up, turning on the water.
Belle shudders at the movement. I ease out of the doorway, letting them have their moment. Kemp walks by, shoving a bag in my chest. The couple we hired stopped at a Target on their way here once they knew Belle’s clothing size.
“You should tell her. They told you the little girl was shaken up and had odd tendencies,” Kemp growls.
I don’t reply. He knows my stance on this. Navy didn’t want to see her picture, and I’m sure in the hell not about to drop everything on her. She’ll figure it out. It’s the way she wants it.
I step back in the hallway before calling out her name.
“Baby, I’ve got clothes for Belle.”
“Just a second,” she hollers back.
The sound of water splashing and light giggles fill the hallway before she peeks her head out. I hand her the bag and peck her on the cheek.
“Thank you.” Tears brim her eyes.
“No worries, Sparrow. Enjoy.” Three more words linger on the tip of my tongue.
Belle breaks the moment. “Is he your husband?”
Navy looks back in the bathroom then glances at me with more confidence than I’ve ever seen painted on her face. “No, honey, he’s my boyfriend.”
“Are you my mom? Like the one I grew in the tummy?”
Navy steps back and faces Belle to answer this one. I slink back into the hall, unable to walk away and listen to Navy tell Belle the story in her own words. The natural warrior inside of her comes out as she eases Belle into everything.
Chapter 18
Navy
“Baby.”
I feel kisses on my forehead.
“Sparrow, it’s time to wake up.”
I jolt awake. Startled. Fumbling around in the bed. Belle’s flannel pink nightgown grazes my palm. It soothes away my worry in an instant.
“If you want a shower, it’s time to get up. Faye is out in the hallway.” J.J. stands up, running his palm over his bare chest.
I nod and throw back the blankets, creeping out of bed. Faye enters the room the same way we’ve done the last week and a half. I sleep with Belle in my arms every single night. Faye has hinted it’s not the healthiest of things. But I don’t give a shit. I’ve missed out on years of her life and won’t miss another one. J.J. has told me to follow my heart, and that would be the right choice, so I have.
When I enter J.J.’s master bedroom, his bed is already made like it is most mornings. I have a lingering feeling he hasn’t been sleeping since I’m not next to him. The Jacuzzi tub is filled to the brim. The scent of oranges and lavender fill the space.
“A bath?” I peer over my shoulder and ask.
“Yeah, thought we could relax a bit.” He runs his hand over his head.
I answer by stripping naked in front of him. J.J. closes the distance between us, bending down to kiss the top of my shoulder. He spends time kissing and licking my scars like he does every time. It’s working, erasing away the pain.
