In the beginning, p.70
In The Beginning, page 70
Rolling my neck around, I winced at the pain and then stood up on shaky legs. I nodded at them and I walked out of the gym.
The fury inside of me, the beast, the monster inside me was finally calm. But for how long? How long before I lost it again?
I went straight upstairs. But instead of going into my bedroom, I walked to the room beside it, the one between my room and Ayla’s. Pushing the door open, I turned on the lights.
My gaze went to the large piano in the corner of the room. My heart stuttered in pain at the sight of it and my stomach twisted painfully.
I made my way to the piano. As I neared it, my heart ached and my eyes started to burn. I stopped in front of the piano and slowly brought my fingers up, pressing softly over the keys.
I couldn’t stop the memories that came crashing around me.
A loud bang jostled me awake and my eyes went wide with fear. “Mommy?” I called. I felt her hands on me and she pulled me out of the bed. The lights were on and as I blinked the sleepiness away, I heard another bang. I flinched when I heard screams.
“Mommy, what’s happening?” I asked, my voice filled with fright.
She knelt down in front of me and my eyes widened at the sight of terror on my mommy’s face. My stomach dropped and my lungs squeezed together.
“Mommy,” I whispered.
“Alessio, listen to me carefully. I want you to hide under the bed. Okay?” she started, her voice small and shaky. “No matter what happens or what you see or hear, you don’t come out. Do you understand?” Mommy grabbed my shoulders and shook me gently. I nodded but didn’t understand what was going on.
The fear on her face made me scared. My mommy was never scared. She was always laughing and smiling. I had never seen my mommy like that. Her small body was shaking and I saw tears in her eyes. She ran her hands up and down my body and pulled me to her chest.
She peppered my face with kisses and then pulled back. “Mommy, what about you? Why am I hiding under the bed?” I asked.
“Alessio. Don’t ask me questions, okay? Please, baby, just listen to Mommy. Hide under the bed and don’t come out. Not until Papa, Lena, or Isaak come looking for you,” Mommy said urgently.
But why?
I was about to ask again, but she shook her head and a tear escaped the corner of her eye. “Please, my baby. Promise Mommy that you won’t come out,” she begged.
I quickly promised and she cried. Pulling me to her chest again, she whispered in my ear, “I love you. I love you so much, my sweet boy. Never forget that.”
We pulled apart when another bang was heard from outside the room. The sounds were nearer. I shivered in fear and Mommy’s eyes went wide with horror.
She pushed me toward the bed and stood up. “Go, my baby. Don’t come out. Don’t make any noise. No matter what? Do you hear me?” Mommy whispered, her voice filled with tears as she pushed me under the high bed.
I felt sick and my throat started to close up. So I just nodded. She gave me a final look before pulling the sheet down and separating us.
My heart thumped wildly in my chest and I sucked in a deep breath a couple of times but I couldn’t. My heart was hurting. I was confused. And I was scared.
I heard the door open and it crashed against the wall with a loud noise. I jumped slightly and brought my knees closer to my chest as I lay under the bed. I tried to peek under the comforter and saw my mommy’s feet.
When I heard a strange and unfamiliar voice, my hands grew cold and my heart twisted.
“Maria. How lovely to see you again.”
“Alfredo,” Mommy replied, her voice hard.
“I’m surprised Lyov left you unprotected.”
“Why are you here?” Mommy asked in the same scary tone. That was the first time I ever heard my mommy talk that way.
“You know exactly why I am here, sweet Maria.”
Mommy screamed and I flinched. No. He was hurting her. The bad man was hurting my mommy. My eyes widened when I saw my mommy falling to the ground. Her face hit the ground and her big round belly was pushed hard against it. Mommy grabbed her stomach as she yelled in pain.
Holding her stomach, she cried out.
No. Princess! My mind screamed.
The bad man was hurting princess too. I couldn’t take it. I promised I would protect both Mommy and princess. I was about to move from under the bed when Mommy opened her eyes and made direct contact with mine. Tears were falling down her cheeks and she slightly shook her head. It was so small that I almost missed it but it was there.
And her eyes were begging me not to come out.
My nose tingled and my cheeks were wet. I realized that I was crying.
Mommy gave me a final look and then turned around while she still held her stomach. “Please, don’t do this. I beg you. Have mercy.”
A laugh boomed around the room and the man knelt down. I tried to see his face. It was hard but I got a tiny glimpse of it.
I hated him at first sight. How dare he? He hurt my mommy and princess.
“I can show you mercy if you agree to come with me. Be my whore and then maybe I could show you mercy.”
I didn’t understand what he meant but I felt relief. He said he wasn’t going to hurt my mommy. Oh, thank God.
Mommy’s eyes widened and she scrunched up her face in disgust. “Never,” she spat. “I will never allow another man to touch my body. I only belong to Lyov. I would rather die than have you touch me.”
No! I wanted to scream. Don’t say that, Mommy. Please, Mommy, do what he says. He won’t hurt you. I wanted to beg.
The man grunted. “Is that your final decision?”
Mommy didn’t answer but she kept her cold, unflinching eyes on the man.
“Well, okay then,” he said.
And then he was pointing a gun at my mommy’s forehead.
Oh, no! No! Please no!
“Why are you doing this?” Mommy whispered, her voice breaking.
“Don’t you know, Maria? The best way to bring a man down is by his weakness. And you, my sweet, are Lyov’s weakness.”
And with that, a loud bang filled the room.
I closed my eyes tightly and my heart rammed against my ribcage. Pulling my knees closer to my chest, I wrapped my arms around them. Burying my face in between my knees, I tried to hold in my cry. I promised. I promised I wouldn’t make a sound.
I couldn’t break the promise I made to Mommy.
My heart was hurting so bad and my body slowly started to go numb. I couldn’t feel anything. After counting to ten, I lifted my head up and slowly opened my eyes.
What I saw took my breath away. I felt dizzy and my eyes blurred with tears as they fell down my cheeks in a never ending flow.
My mommy’s head had rolled toward me and her face was covered in blood. Her eyes were open and staring directly at me. But instead of seeing the warm, sweet, and loving gaze that she always gave me, her bluish-steel colored eyes were lifeless.
My heart pounded. No. No. No. No.
My mommy. This couldn’t be happening.
Mommy.
Mommy.
I wanted to scream. But nothing came out.
My lips parted and a silent scream came out. I gasped and shook violently. Holding my knees close together, I buried my face in them again, crying silently.
As I cried, I thought about how I never got a chance to say ‘I love you’ back.
I fell down on my knees. The memories played over and over again in my head. I was suffocating and I brought my hands up to my throat, rubbing up and down forcefully.
My stomach cramped as I gasped for air. The pressure in my heart was painful. My lungs squeezed tightly together and I pressed a hand to my burning chest, trying hard to alleviate the pain. But nothing worked.
It never worked.
My pain was constant.
I had lived with it for twenty-two years. I should have been accustomed to it by now, but every time, it was worse. The pain never ceased. I was chained to my past.
Holding the side of the piano, I laid my head on it as the tears fell down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop them. They fell freely and I squeezed my burning eyes tightly.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. So sorry,” I whispered through a broken voice.
Chapter 26
Ayla
Maddie squealed beside me. “Oh my God! This is hilarious!” She turned toward me, still chuckling. “You have to admit, this one was pretty funny.”
I shrugged and turned back toward the movie. We were watching Hangover 2. It was too vulgar for my taste.
Although I did find my stomach cramping from laughter when a man found out he had sex with another man whom he thought was a woman. I shivered when the truth was revealed. Too much nudity.
Maddie eventually paused the movie and turned toward me.
“Okay. What do you want to watch? You clearly aren’t enjoying this. C’mon, pick something funny and we will watch it,” she suggested.
Since my nightmare last night and my encounter with Alessio this morning, I had been a little down and quiet. I was constantly living in fear.
Maddie noticed and she made it her job to make my day brighter. She succeeded a couple of times. It was hard not to laugh at her enthusiasms and failed attempts. She embarrassed herself to make me laugh. And I was thankful for that.
“It’s pretty late,” I started and then smiled. “I think we should go to bed. I’m worn out.”
Maddie pouted and leaned against the arm of the couch. “But I barely even got you to laugh.”
“And that’s where you are wrong. You made me laugh at least five times and that’s amazing in my book. You made my day better, Maddie,” I said softly. Placing my hand on her knee, I gave it a squeeze.
“Are you going to talk to me?” she replied, her tone just as soft and inviting.
I wanted to. I wanted to tell her. It was tempting, but the fear instilled in me, it stopped me from taking a step toward that direction.
So, I shook my head sadly before looking down. “It’s okay,” Maddie murmured before wrapping her arms around me. “You can tell me when you are ready.”
Hugging her back, I nodded and then leaned back. She smiled and I felt my lips stretch into another smile.
We got up and made our way to the kitchen. Turning on the lights, she rummaged through the refrigerator and took out the poutine that Lena made for dessert.
“You want some?” Maddie asked as she closed the refrigerator.
I shook my head and she shrugged. Putting a spoonful in her mouth, she mumbled, “Let’s go.”
Maddie and I were about to say goodnight when we heard a door open. We both swiveled around and saw Alessio coming out of the gym.
My eyes widened and my body froze when he approached into the light.
Alessio wasn’t wearing his full suit. Instead he had his black linen shirt on, which was halfway unbuttoned and his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. But that wasn’t what surprised me.
He was a mess. A bloody mess. There were cuts on his face and his cheeks were swollen. His left eye was slightly swollen too and his lips were bleeding. He was limping, his body sagging forward.
“Oh my God,” Maddie gasped.
He looked lost, deep in thoughts. He held on to the banister and slowly made his way upstairs, his legs dragging. Pain was evident on his face and in his posture.
My forehead creased in confusion and I turned to Maddie. Her eyes were no longer on Alessio but she was staring at the gym door.
“I don’t want know how the other guys look,” she whispered, her eyes wide. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, the door opened and they stepped out.
This time I was the one who gasped. They looked even worse. Maddie rushed forward and I quickly followed.
“What happened?” she asked, horrified.
“Fuck,” Viktor said, rubbing his hand over his face tiredly but he winced when his hand made contact with his face.
“Alfredo is dead,” Nikolay replied, his voice as deadly as ever.
At his words, my breath came out in a whoosh. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.
My mind twirled, my vision going slightly blurry. I blinked and gasped, my hand going to my neck as I started to rub up and down.
“What?” I whispered, my voice so little that it was barely audible.
“Alfredo is dead,” Nikolay repeated before closing his eyes with a tired sigh.
My father was dead.
I brought a shaky hand to my mouth as I tried to keep the tears at bay. I didn’t know why I was crying. Tears blinded my vision and I closed my eyes, trying to make them go away.
“Alessio isn’t taking it so well. Hell, I’m not taking it well! This was supposed to be our revenge,” Viktor hissed.
“Oh, dear,” Maddie whispered beside me. “He is doing badly, then?”
“Pretty bad,” Phoenix said.
They were leaning against the wall, all of them deep in thought. But the anger on their faces couldn’t be mistaken.
“You should go clean up. Alessio can’t have you losing it too,” Maddie suggested.
“I should go,” I whispered. My heart was thumping fast against my chest and I had to get out of there. They couldn’t see me break down.
I nodded at Maddie and quickly walked away before they could reply. Closing my door, I leaned against it and sank down to my butt. Pulling my knees together, I placed my head on them and tried to breathe.
My eyes burned with unshed tears and my quiet gasps filled the silent dark room. There should have not been any tears. Not for my father, a man who gave me to a monster and turned a blind eye to my pain. But still, I couldn’t stop the tears.
My chest squeezed tight with pain and the tears fell freely down my cheeks. I cried for him and for the pain he caused me.
I cried for the love I could have had but never experienced because of him. In the end, I cried for me.
He took my peace, my freedom, my everything. Even though I should have hated him, I didn’t.
I just felt sad. I felt empty. Hollow. Weak.
Eventually, I found myself in bed. I stared into the distance, only the lamp on my nightstand was on, casting a soft glow around the room.
I didn’t know how long I stayed like that, but I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes. I thought of my father and Alberto. I was scared of the nightmares.
I turned around in bed and tried to find another comfortable position, but to no avail. Nothing worked.
Blowing out a tired breath, I rubbed my face in frustration and sat up in bed. My thoughts went to Alessio, and my body instantly grew tense. I could understand his anger and pain. After what my father had done, this was Alessio’s revenge.
He was going through a harder time than me. When I saw him, his pain was obvious and my heart ached.
To see a man like Alessio crumble, it hurt. It was painful.
And strangely, I wanted to offer comfort.
Maybe because I understood. Was it sympathy, or guilt?
I didn’t know, but through my pain, I felt his. And my heart was breaking for this man, who was my enemy.
The irony of it. An Abandonato wanting to comfort an Ivanshov.
My mind was a jumbled mess and I just wanted silence for a moment.
I closed my eyes and the first thing that flashed behind my closed lids was my grand piano. My eyes instantly snapped opened.
That was it.
The piano.
I knew we weren’t allowed in the room, but everyone was sleeping. Maybe I could just sneak in. Quickly getting off the bed, I padded to my door and quietly opened it. Looking left and right, I made sure that no one was in the hall before stepping out.
I softly tiptoed to the next room but immediately stopped when I saw the lights on. The door was slightly opened and I leaned forward, peeking inside.
My heart stuttered at the sight.
Alessio was sitting on the couch, facing the piano in the corner. There was a glass in his hand and he was staring intensely at the piano. He slowly brought the glass to his lips and chugged the rest of the drink in a gulp.
He looked horrible.
With my heart heavy and thumping fast in my chest, I started to quietly move away from the door but his voice stopped me.
“I know you are there.”
I froze and my eyes widened.
Placing my hand over my chest, I bit on my lips nervously.
Should I just leave? My mind and heart were in a constant battle.
In the end, I slowly opened the door wider and walked inside, but stopped at the entrance. Alessio didn’t look toward me but kept his eyes on the piano.
I shuffled on my feet nervously. After a few minutes of silence, he spoke up.
“Do you come in here often?” he asked, his voice rough and hard. I shivered and shook my head quickly. When I realized he couldn’t see me, I whispered, “No.”
Then it was silence again.
I looked away from him and stared at the grand piano. It was beautiful and I instantly felt peaceful.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I took a few steps in the room and stood in the middle. My eyes were still on the piano and my fingers were itching to play. I wanted to feel the soft keys.
My shoulders sagged in defeat. I looked away from the piano and turned toward Alessio. He was already staring at me, his eyes intense but unreadable.
We stared at each other, our gazes never wavering.
After a few seconds, I swallowed hard and looked away. Moving my gaze to his chest, I followed the path down and almost gasped out loud.
His hands were bleeding, his knuckles bruised so bad. There were gashes all over, the skin torn off from his knuckles. He hadn’t cleaned up at all.
My heart squeezed at the sight.
I looked back up and saw his eyes still on me. Licking my lips nervously, I squeezed my cold hands in fists. Alessio gave me a blank look and then looked at the piano.
Silence again. There was no movement and it felt like we weren’t even breathing. “Do you play?” he asked gruffly.
My mouth fell open at his words. I never expected him to ask me that question. With my heart racing, I swallowed against the lump forming in my throat.
