Some nights, p.16
Some Nights, page 16
Fuck that.
I turn to my mother but I can barely look at her. “Can I please speak to you in the kitchen?”
“We have company, Saona.”
Whatever. “I need to talk to you, Mother.”
“I don’t want to cause any problems.” He couldn’t be more insincere, so I don’t bother looking at him but turn my mouth his way.
“No one’s fucking talking to you.” I say.
“Saona.” My mother breathes out but I start walking and she has no choice but to follow. “You will not speak like that—”
“You see that over there?” I point to the living room. “You will never do that to me again. I don’t care if you love him like a son and see him on your own time. If you ever ambush me again with him like this, it will be the last time you see my face. You’re my mother and I’ve always showed you respect but I’m done allowing you to disrespect me.”
Her eyes go wide and her hand shoots to her chest. “I’m not disrespecting you. I just don’t want you to make a mistake you’ll regret forever.”
I sigh because I don’t want to scream but I snap. “We’re divorced. I would have never stayed with a cheater knowingly.”
“Cheaters deserve a chance too. Don’t be like your father. Don’t throw away someone who will love you even after you’re dead because of a mistake.”
My heart leaps to my throat and I stagger back. “Oh my God. No. No. You cheated on Papi. That’s why you guys broke up?”
“It was a mistake. One I’ll regret for all my life. I begged him for a second chance. But he, just like you, didn’t want to bend. And then he died and I couldn’t love anyone else.”
I’m nauseous and I want to cry for her because this is the saddest thing but mostly, I’m angry. Because Papi was the best person I’ve ever known. He was hard working and passionate and he cared for his family. He used to help my unmarried aunts with stuff around their apartments and drive them where they needed to be. He didn’t deserve to be cheated on. I want to scream at her but I can’t. Maybe it's because she’s my mom. Either way, I just want to not be in her presence right now.
“I have to go. The kids are going to get impatient. But I meant what I said. If you ever pull this on me, I’m done. I won’t come back again. You regretted your mistake all your life. That asshole in your living room only regrets that he no longer has access to my money. The money you broke up my relationship with Jax for but don’t care that David pilfered on street skanks. I’ll see you later, Mom.”
I walk away. My niece and nephew are at the door with their coats on and their backpacks strapped on their backs. I smile at them. Because it’s easy. They’re beautiful and excited. “Let’s go.”
“Saona, can I talk to you? Don’t blame your mother.” David is standing by the archway to the living room.
I stroll past him and then turn my back on my niece and nephew so I can mouth what I really want to say to him.
“Fuck. Off.”
Saona
* * *
It’s eight in the morning and I haven’t slept a wink, when my sister walks through the door.
“I thought you would be asleep,” she says, looking every bit as tired as I am.
“I thought you were coming later.”
She shrugs. “I missed my babies and you know I can’t stay there long.”
There’s more she’s not saying. I’m about to ask but she points a finger at me. “You’ve been crying.”
Pain breaks over my chest and the tears come fast again. “I’ve been thinking about Papi.”
Sierra sits across from me on the couch. This is not out of the norm. Sometimes we still cry for him. “What made you think of him?”
“Mom.” My throat knots and I don’t want to tell her but she has a right to know. Her life was changed by it and she’s the only person I can say this to. So, I take a deep breath and stare into her worried eyes.
“Yesterday, when I went to pick up Emmi and Eddie, she had David there. I flipped out on her and told her if she ever springs him on me again, I won’t ever see her again. She kept saying she didn’t want me to make a mistake and then she confessed that she cheated on Papi. That’s why he left her.”
The shock, the shake of her head, the understanding that dawns on my sister’s eyes breaks my heart all over again. “How could she?”
The tears slip from her eyes. Her hands tighten around mine and we cry and cry. She leans her head in my chest. “You have his courage. You left the cheating asshole. I became just like Edwin, a dirty cheater.”
I shake my head. “No. You’re nothing like Edwin. You’re a good mom and you only did what you did because he hurt you so many times.”
“I don’t want to be like Mom,” she sobs.
“You’re not. I swear you are not. You are loving and your kids love being with you. They missed you so much.”
“How could she cheat on Papi? I understand Edwin cheating on me. I can be a fucking bitch from hell but Papi was such a good soul.”
“Stop. Are you kidding me? You didn’t deserve that. You still don’t.”
She sits back and wipes her face. “I’m going to end it. I decided yesterday. I’m going to ask him for a divorce. And this is a sign. Papi is telling me it’s time.”
I nod. “I’m going to be there for you. Carina can take your case.”
Her gaze drops. “I can’t afford Carina.”
“Yes, you can. Because I’m going to pay her.”
“Saona—”
“Shut up. I’m going to do this for you and that’s it. It’s my money and I want to do this for you. I’m tired of people thinking they can tell me how to spend it. You have too much to think of right now, like your kids and yourself. Money shouldn’t be one of those things.”
“I’ll pay you back. I promise.”
“No, you won’t. I can’t pay you back for the way you were there for me when I went through all this shit. I’m not taking your money.” She’s crying again.
And so am I, for her, for me, for Papi.
We stay there for a while in silence. Then, in true Sierra fashion, she springs back. “We need a plan. I will tell Edwin and then I’ll tell him to get out.”
“If he doesn’t do it, you can stay with me.”
She starts to shake her head then stops. “You’re just like Papi, you know that? Always trying to take care of somebody.”
My heart quickens. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
She chuckles.
“How’s KellyAnn?”
She looks down and sighs. “Crazy as fuck. Deluded as always. I’m going to make us coffee.”
She makes coffee better than me. It’s taken a while for her to get to the decision and the hard parts are yet to come. I remember the exact moment I reached my decision to divorce David. It was in Baltimore, in Jax’s bar, when I read all the emails.
It had been easier for me. David and I didn’t have children. And I had found in that decision so much freedom to be me, to be bold, and to liberate myself. I had also found something I’d never had before in Jax: a real partner. Someone that’s really there for me. But that’s gone. No need to rehash it.
I’m scared of what this means for my sister and my niece and nephew but she will be better. I’m going to take care of them. That’s what I need to spend my energy on, not pining for someone who most likely already moved on.
23
Saona
* * *
“So, are you going anywhere for the holidays or are you going to join me and the partners for the cruise?” Carina’s tone is tight and I know she’s threading on borderline impatience.
I can’t blame her. She’s been asking for the past two weeks. The truth is, I should go. I don’t want to leave Sierra alone with Mom for Thanksgiving but she’s going to the Dominican Republic to spend Christmas with my grandma. I don’t want to go there either. But I’ll have to decide soon. Cruise with Carina, while fending off the advances of at least two of her coworkers. Or a tight Christmas dinner with my mom but I can be there for Sierra who’s soon to be divorced and needs me.
I can always stay by myself in New York.
“Go ahead and book without me. I’m leaning toward going with the family and don’t want to hold you up.”
The hmmm is long and pronounced. I’m so not in the mood today. She’s about to lecture me about not going out with anyone.
“Saona—”
“Look—”
“Sorry—” Jess, my assistant, appears at the door.
“Carina, my assistant is here. I need to call you back.”
I hang up and wave Jess in. “You saved me from an annoying sermon, followed by an ultimatum. I’m so buying you designer for Christmas.”
She laughs, her layered bob bouncing as she takes the chair across from me. “I’m looking forward to that. You can Kate Spade me all you want.”
I smile and give myself a mental fist-pump. Because I’ve already bought her gift and I got it right. It’s a Kate Spade tote she’ll love.
“What’s up?”
She looks down at her notepad. There’s a list of items on there. “Okay, we have to talk about the Christmas party. I booked the restaurant and made the orders for the staff swag bags. I cannot tell you what a coup those Lash N’ Glow lip and shadow kits are. Every woman on our team is going to flipping die. Not to mention, the guys will pass out over the flask and wallet sets.”
I clap my hands together. “Excellent. Do we have an account on everyone’s schedule? I need to send that report to you-know-who.”
She rolls her eyes. “She’s called three times. It’s not due ‘til Friday. Speaking of, she called about the quarterly trips.”
My heart flips. Quarterly trips mean Baltimore. Baltimore now means Jax.
I keep my face neutral. “What about the quarterly?”
“You know how she is. She wants to know if you’re going to go this time around or send me to handle the stuff like last quarter.” Her gaze drops to her lap. “If you want me to do it, I will.”
She doesn’t want to but won’t say it. I don’t wince like I want to. I chickened out last quarter. The whole rupture with Jax was still too recent, too raw. I didn’t want to go and risk seeing him or facing our memories together. Jess had been more than happy to go in my place. She got compensated with overtime and per diem for it, but I can’t do that to her so close to the holidays. She probably has plans. I need to woman up on this one.
“I will go to Baltimore.”
Jess exhales and her smile can only be described as pure relief. “Thank God.”
“Why, what’s up?”
“Robbie bought tickets for us to go to London for Christmas. He told me last night. I told him I could only go if you didn’t need me.”
“Of course, you should go. The holidays are slow and I can manage with one of the other assistants in the office. You should have started with that, or were you planning on going to Baltimore instead of London, if I asked you?”
Her pale face pinkens.
“Don’t do that again. You know me and I’m not the type of person that would make you miss a trip like that. You know you can talk to me.”
She folds her hands on her lap. “I know. It’s just that I’ve only been working here a year. I don’t want someone to get ahead of me, just because I’m going on vacation.”
“Do you see any of the men here with that kind of worry? You don’t have anyone else for a boss. You have me and I take care of my people.”
She smiles. “Thank you. It won’t happen again.”
“Good. You’re going to have a great time in London. And you can use the gifts from the employee party while you’re there.”
“I’m excited. Robbie is finally taking initiative and planning a romantic getaway. He’s been all mysterious and stuff. He won’t tell me what he has planned but he wants me to bring the dress I wore on our first date. It’s his favorite.” She’s talking a mile a minute and her face is a little flushed. She must also imagine, like I do, there’s a proposal coming her way.
I smile because I’m happy for her and because there’s a tinge of the green monster poking at my side. God knows I want nothing to do with marriage but I want to be excited, flustered and happy.
Like I used to feel… Nope, swipe left on that thought.
My phone chimes like a savior’s bell. It’s Sierra. “Shit. My sister is downstairs. Today’s Emmi’s Christmas recital.” I grab my peacoat, purse, and wave Jess a quick goodbye.
Five minutes later, my sister and I are driving down Madison Ave.
“My employees are getting the latest Lash N’ Glow lip and lash kits. I made sure Jess got extras so you and Carina will get one too.”
My sister pumps up her fist. “Have I told you lately that I love you?”
“Nope.”
“I love you. You’re the best sister ever. Not to mention the best boss. These people are spoiled as fuck.”
I laugh. “They’re great at their jobs and are rarely a pain. I know corporate will bitch about the gifts on top of the bonuses but I’m bankrolling half the cost. That woman has to be making bank on those damned kits. They cost an arm and a leg.”
My sister chuckles. “Who would have thought when were little and broke and you used to be such a scaredy-cat, that you would become a boss, a rich one at that, giving away designer stuff?”
“Not Amelia Solis rich and she got richer thanks to me.”
Amelia Solis is the owner of Lash N’ Gloss. Her kits sold out within minutes. It had been a coup to land the ones I got.
“No one needs to be that rich, anyway. Hey, did you decide about Christmas?”
Ugh. Christmas plans were apparently the topic of the day.
“No, but more than likely, I’m coming with you. I turned down Carina.”
Sierra shoots me a side glance. “As you should have. Who the hell wants to spend the holidays with those tight asses she works with? Even if it’s on a cruise to St. Lucia. Every time I remember the party at the Hamptons I want to gag.”
I snort. “God, that was awful.”
“Are we leaving at the same time? I would prefer for us to book together. I am not relishing any second of traveling with Mom alone.”
Our relationship with my mom has upgraded from barely-existent-civil to cordial-and-tolerant since our encounter a month ago. She’s trying, or struggling, to stay out of our lives.
“I’m not sure. I have to go to Baltimore for my quarterly trip on the twelfth.”
“Oh. You’re going this time?”
“Yeah.” I say like it’s no big deal but we’re at a traffic light and Sierra is burning holes on the side of my head. “I can’t send Jess again. It’s my job, not hers.”
“Are you going to see him?”
“I’m going to work.”
She laughs. “You’re an obnoxious little shit, you know that? But I’m a bigger one and you can’t shut me up with the whole ‘I’m going to work’ because every single time you went there in the past year, you’ve ended up spread like his personal buffet.”
Heat breaks all over my face because she’s right…and because it felt so good and I’ve spent many long months pining and demanding from my vibrator what Jax could give me with his mouth, or crooking finger or his…
“I hate you.” I turn up the song on the radio and start singing along.
“You do not.” She waits ‘til the song finishes, then pounces again. “You should see Jax and talk to him while you’re there.”
My chest shrivels but my body buzzes at the thought of being in front of him again. I’m so scared, though. There are so many what ifs. What if he moved on? What if he hasn’t but still thinks the same? What if I’m the only one pining here?
“I’ll think about it.”
My sister smiles. “That’s all I ask. I’ll come to your house this weekend and we’re going to choose some killer outfits. He’s going to bust in his pants when he sees you.”
* * *
Oh God.
Saona
* * *
I’m a big glop of chicken shit. I’ve been in Baltimore since last night and I haven’t had the guts to text or call Jax. Throughout the drive down here, while giving myself the ultimate therapy session, I concluded there’s no reason why we can’t have a cup of coffee like old friends.
I had made up my mind and was all set to do it. Until I’d gotten to the lobby and looked in the direction of the bar. Though it was still closed, all the memories hit me at once and I ended up sitting in my room, binging on Netflix shows.
And now, what I’ve been avoiding is going to happen anyway. My Baltimore staff is insisting we go to my hotel bar and I have no reason to say no. The Christmas party is next door to my hotel. I think I’m going to be sick.
My legs are heavy, like lead, all the way to the hotel and I have to concentrate on putting one leg in front of the other and what Leticia, my assistant here, is saying so I don’t take off in a run.
“I love Jess but it’s so much better you came down. You give the staff reassurance and validation. And your Christmas gifts are so fabulous. Can’t wait to try my lip kit. My sister will go green with envy.”
If my insides weren’t the consistency of pudding, I would be so touched by her words and would feel super guilty. But this is just a reminder of why I didn’t come, because the idea of being in the same city with him and not seeing him…it’s awful.
With each step closer to the front door of the bar, my heart thumps harder. How can I breathe between that and the tight clenching of my belly? One of my coworkers opens the door to the hotel lobby and we all go through it.
The concierge gives me a warm smile and waves. “Welcome back.”
It’s easy to smile back at him. “Thank you. Nice to see you too.”
I’m so proud of the way I speak like all is well. What I’m not so proud of is my body’s reluctance to head in the direction of the bar. It’s like walking through quicksand to get thirty feet away.
