Some nights, p.8
Some Nights, page 8
“Goodbye, Mom.”
“Have fun, hon.”
There’s laughter in her voice. They’ll be gossiping about this all week and I need to be ready next Saturday for the ten thousand questions they’ll ask.
I wait ‘til I get to the first traffic light off the highway to text Saona and find out her exact location.
I’m at Down Home Comfort. I need to put something in your trunk. Is that okay?
Another store? The woman’s addicted to buying stuff. I text back at the next light. Sure.
I’m there six minutes later and park outside. She steps out a minute later in a nude leather motorcycle jacket over a body-fitted dress and matching heels. She’s classy, sexy, and so very fuckable. I shake myself off and open the trunk for her to put her bags and then hurry out and around the front of the car to open the door for her.
She’s smiling when she reaches me, that birthmark calling for my mouth. But she hugs me, wrapping me and my body in her warmth and sweet and seductive floral scent. She kisses my cheek. “Hi.” I squeeze her tight to me, lingering for a moment before I let her go.
She climbs inside my SUV and I walk around with the imprint of her lips still tingling on my cheek. My car smells like her already when I climb in. I’m caught up on her still smiling face and her scent in my nostrils when it occurs to me, she’s so easy getting used to. Like that drink that becomes your favorite the first time it hits your palate.
“How was your day?”
I put the car in drive and pull out of the spot. “Long and tiring.”
“You should get more sleep at night.” She’s toying with her lip gloss but even with a quick side glance, I don’t miss the teasing smirk playing at the corner of her lips.
“I would if I didn’t have a certain someone climbing all over me and demanding I make her come.”
“And here I thought that was welcomed.”
I place a hand on her knees. “It was welcomed. Can I tell you a secret?”
She leans toward me, but I wait ‘til I’m at a light to turn to her and lean slightly in. “I can’t wait to make you come again.”
“Me either.” She shakes her head and her bottom lip disappears behind her teeth. I can’t stop staring.
The car behind me honks the horn. The light is green and I’m caught up in her.
“In New York, the driver behind us would’ve sat on his horn until you moved.”
I keep my eyes on the road but my hand is still at her knee. “You guys are rude up there.”
She traces idle circles on the back of my hand. “I’m very polite, thank you very much.”
“You told me to get the fuck out last night.”
“You made me mad.”
“Some excuse. Anyway, what did you do all day?’
She groans. “Had a meeting every hour, had to fire two people who decided it would be hot to hook up on the conference room table, and then dealt with the fallout. The moron guy threatened me with a lawyer because he was never made aware that was against company rules.”
“Are you serious?”
“I wish I weren’t. I wanted to laugh in his face when I printed out the company policy pages and highlighted the four parts where it’s mentioned.” But she’s not laughing.
“What? You feel bad for the guy?”
“I don’t like firing people. It’s what I hate about my job. What about their families and how will their bills get paid? And finding a job is not that easy, especially after getting fired.”
I love this side of her. She’s always thinking of others like her sister, niece and nephew, and now her employees.
“They should’ve thought about it before they messed around on the job.”
“Isn’t that what you do when you come upstairs to my room?”
I smile. “Yup, but haven’t been caught yet.”
“And if you do?”
I look at her briefly and wink. “I’ll look for another job with my balls empty and a smile still on my face.”
Saona
I don’t even know what the crab tasted like. The whole meal, like the whole day, my thoughts are on Jax. Last night had more than lived up to my fantasies for the past three months. I could have done without the rough beginning, though.
His messages all day, like always, it seems, came at the right time. Whenever I was getting ready to throttle an employee, or fall asleep during a meeting, a message from him would come through—I’m still thinking of you, I hope you’re having a great lunch, I can’t wait to see you tonight. I would end up flustered or smiling and in a way better mood.
It’s funny how he doesn’t seem fazed by this being our first time in public together. Last night didn’t count. He barely interacted with the waiter but tonight he’s been smiling and super polite the whole time. Is this how he always acts after he’s gotten laid all night?
Or is it something else?
I’ve been keeping my mind off last night. Well, the parts I can, because those memories of Jax’s lips, his hands, his body on top of—or under or behind—mine, I’m hopeless against those. Especially when he’s sitting across the table, moving those lips or curving them so sexy. I’m hot at what I know he can do to me, what he’s already hinted he’s going to do to me tonight after he’s done with work.
What I’m trying not to think about is the words that were said and the ones that haven’t been. I’m trying not to dwell on his admission that he hasn’t gone out with his friends to stay on the phone with me. I’m also not analyzing my reaction to him flirting with that girl. That’s why when he asked if I wanted to grab dinner tonight, I’d kept my hopes low. Everyone’s gotta eat, right? We just happened to do it together. It doesn’t make it a date.
We’re not kissing or making plans and he already knows he’s getting lucky. So am I. It’s all very relaxed, talking about our days.
“I told Mom I was going out with you tonight.”
I almost choke. “What? Why?”
“She was worried about my balls going blue.”
I start laughing until I realize he’s serious. “What kind of things are you telling your mother?”
He shrugs. “My mom and my aunt started reading Cosmo magazine last year. They started getting someone’s subscription and though they called and reported the error, the magazine keeps coming in the mail. They read it and discuss it. There was some article about blue balls in the last issue.”
“Wow, that’s pretty cool.”
He smirks. “’cause it’s not your balls being discussed.”
“Maybe, but they sound awesome. My mom would have a conniption if we discuss anything sex-related around her. I think Sierra and I could have benefited if she had been open-minded like your mom. When do you see her again?”
“I’m going there next weekend. There’s stuff around the house that needs maintenance and I want to make sure they don’t need anything and are not telling me.”
I lean forward and grab his hand. “You’re a good son.”
He runs his knuckles over my hand. “She’s a great mom. And plus, it makes no sense to pay for things I can do.”
“Why would they hide it?”
“They don’t want me to worry. Mom wants me to spend my time and money on fixing my house. But I need to take care of my ladies.”
I smile. “Like you promised your grandpa.”
Something tells me he would take care of them regardless. His dad died when he was young and his mom, aunt, and grandfather raised him. They’re family-stands-by-family people. We are too. I just wish my mom was a little more flexible about that when it came to sons-in-law. Particularly, the soon-to-be ex-son-in-law.
“Does it bother you I told her?”
Jax’s question takes me by surprise. His eyes on mine are so intense, burning a hole right through me, but I can’t look away. It doesn’t bother me he told her but this conversation makes me nervous because, where is it going? Why did he bring it up?
“No,” I say.
“You don’t sound so sure.”
“I am sure of that. I’m confused by the why. Last night you were angry with me for showing up by surprise. Today, you told your mom about me.”
He sits back but doesn’t take that oppressive gaze from mine.
“It felt like I was being tested and you expected me to be a sleaze. I’m not a cheater. When I’m with someone, I’m just with that person. I do flirt a little at the bar. It’s part of my job, but I don’t do much more than that.”
“Okay, but you more than flirted with me when we first met. I invited you up and you came.”
His eyes narrow but then he sighs. “I guess the missing word is anymore. Yeah, I used it to my full advantage before I was with Josie. Never after I got with her and I had never picked up anyone at this bar. I’ve been there for a year now.”
He’s telling the truth. He’s not dodging my eyes or fidgeting or giving me a cheesy smile like David used to. My mouth opens and I don’t know what I’ll say.
“Here’s the bill, like you asked, exactly at seven-thirty.” The waiter smiles, looking at Jax and then me. Jax has to work at eight so we need to settle the bill and go.
I reach for it but he beats me to it. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Dinner’s on me. This place was my idea.”
“And I asked you out. It’s my bill to pay.”
“I’ll give you a few minutes to decide.” The waiter turns on his heel and slinks away.
“Ugh. Let me get it. This place is ridiculously expensive and I can use my business stipend to cover it.”
“No.” His tone leaves no room for argument.
But I insist, “Come on, Jax. You don’t have to waste your money on this. You can use it for your house.”
His eyes go cold and his face dark and Dear Niño Jesús, why do I always say the wrong things around him?
“The money I choose to spend on my house or not is none of your business, Saona. If we’re on a date, I’m going to pay for us. I’m not your fucking ex-husband. You don’t have to feed me or support me.”
I’m hot, cold, shamed, and reeling. I didn’t want to embarrass him. I picked this place because my coworkers recommended it. I just fucking ruined our date.
Dear God, we were on a date.
11
Saona
* * *
Is this how every night in Baltimore is going to go? The past two visits I’ve spent the evenings agitated in my hotel.
I throw my head back and stare into the ceiling, trying to talk to God through the layers of concrete between us. Are you sending me signs that I need to let this go?
The dinner was going so well and all I wanted was for him not to waste his money. My per diem could cover it. All of a sudden, I’m meddling in how he spends his money. And what the actual fuck, we were on a date. I’m stupid for not realizing it but it’s not like he said the words. Nothing’s ever simple with that man…
…except getting naked.
Now we are back at square one again. The ride back was in complete silence, except for the “I’ll text you after work.”
I said okay because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to make things worse. But how do I make it better? It’s not like I can unstick the foot I shoved down my throat. Six years of marriage and apparently I still know nothing about men. So, I grab my phone and dial my expert.
“I’ve been waiting for you to call. I’ve been stuck in kid activities all day. Emmi wanted to go to the American Doll store but I told her you’re out of town. She settled for The Rat.”
The Rat is how Sierra refers to Chuck E. Cheese, a place we never went to as kids because my mom thought that’s where people with no money hung out with their kids. But my niece and nephew love it there.
“I’ll take her to the doll store next weekend. Sisi, I need your help.”
“Of course, you do.”
I’m tempted to hang up on her. “I messed up with Jax, twice. First, last night but we worked through that. But I messed up again today. I need you to help me fix it.”
"Oh God, girl. You went there to relax and spend extended time banging your casual piece. Your only casual piece, to my dismay. Because as I said, you should be fucking everything that's hot and makes you feel like a goddess now that you're single. But one guy that makes you feel like that is worth a million other mediocre ones. That whole bird in the hand thing. Anyway—"
I don’t have the time or patience for her rant. "Yes, I know what you want, Sisi. But one casual is enough and who knows if that's even going to be still happening after tonight?"
"Shit, you're breaking up with sexy, casual, beefy bartender that hits all the spots that count?"
Hang up now. "Sierra..."
She must hear the annoyance in my voice. "I'm sorry. I'll stifle myself. What the hell is happening over there?"
I start on last night and transition into today. "We went to dinner. He invited me, but I wanted to try this expensive steak and crab restaurant my team recommended. I wanted it to be my treat, paid for with my work meal stipend, but he wouldn't let me pay and I know it was super expensive. He paid and we had this bad argument later. I said I knew it was expensive and I didn't mind paying because he didn't need to spend all that money that he could be using for his place. He got super pissed and said if it’s a date, he’ll pay and that he wasn't like my fucking ex-husband."
"Mmhmmm"
I hate the way she drags the throaty sound. "What do you mean mmhmmm?"
She smacks her lips and I swear she’s doing everything in her power to annoy me.
"Why was it so wrong that he wanted to pay? He's the man and from what you told me about him, he's a man's man. He works with his hands and does things himself instead of hiring out."
"Yeah?"
She sighs. "Saona, the man obviously has pride. He's the type to want to take care of the woman. Which, you lucky bitch. You should be sitting back and letting him take care of you. Why aren’t you? Actually, here's the real question: if you are so casual about this man, why are you so bothered by the fact that he wants to treat you? Why are you not letting him do that?"
"Ummm." I have no answer.
"You're not supposed to be worried about breaking your casual piece's pocket. You're not supposed to be mentally allocating where his money is going. But you are, which leads me to believe that you're not casual like you think you are."
"I'm just trying to be considerate, that's all. Not everyone makes a lot of money and he has two jobs." Why is that so hard to understand?
"You like this guy.”
“No. I mean, yes. Of course. We’re cool.”
My sister chuckles and I sense a teaching moment is coming. I hate teaching moments.
“No, you really like this guy. And there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you admit it to yourself. You both do. Because as far as I'm concerned, you're both doing this casual thing fifty thousand shades of wrong."
"Why?"
“Most assholes would have run for the hills if a chick pulled that little act of showing up out of nowhere.”
“He was really pissed off. You didn’t see him.”
She tsk-tsks. “But he didn’t leave. And not only did he get over it, your bartender piece asked you out on a date. He wants to keep seeing you because he likes you. He's invested in this shit.”
“No.” But it sounds weak even as I say it.
“Yes, girl. He's always making sure you are okay and texting you and being cute and letting you know he's thinking of you."
"He's just being friendly, Sierra. We're not just going to bump uglies and say see you next time." And oh my God, how defensive did her name just sound on my lips?
"No, he's not just being friendly, Saona,” she mimics my same emphasis. “Don't you know men at all? Right now, he's being territorial and he wants to make clear there's a difference between him and the asshole that was mooching off you. You know what kind of man does that?"
"I don't know." I'm lying. I know what she's getting at but I don't want to admit it. Admission breeds awareness. I'm not ready to be aware. Not fully.
"You do know. A man that cares about what you think. A man that likes you more than just for spreading you and going to town on your Dominican sushi buffet. A man that needs you to feel safe with him because he wants to prove he's a protector, not a taker."
Oh fuck. "Why would you say that to me? I don't need to hear this."
"Yes, you do. This is not a bad thing. He's a considerate and nice piece. Not every woman gets a meat toy like that."
"Can you stop it with all your creative names, call him Jax."
Sierra sighs. "Is that what you really want? Because then I'll have images of him as Jax from Sons of Anarchy. Are you willing to admit he fucks you like an animal—"
"You're an ass," I laugh because my sister's craziness is what sometimes keeps me sane. If she didn’t make me laugh at myself, I would lose my mind.
She lets out a mixture giggle somewhere between evil queen and thirteen-year-old girl. "I'm glad you're laughing. You've had enough sadness lately. So, go find your dude and enjoy your time together."
"How can I, after everything you put in my head?"
"By letting shit evolve as it will. Don't talk about shit but if it comes up, roll with it. Oh, and since you're so worried about his bank account and where he spends his money, don't go anywhere else this weekend."
That won’t work. "He'd get fired if they find him in my room. Not to mention, he'll probably pitch a fit if I order room service."
"Then go to his house. Get butt-ass naked and every time he wants to go somewhere but for a walk to air out your cooch, you jump his ass and fuck him till he passes out."
“His house? It’s so personal. Do you think he’ll want to?”
My sister cackles, “He sprung a date on you. Now you spring yourself onto his turf and give him some memories for the lonely months until you go back there. Plus, he’s always asking you about your opinion about shit for the house. He’s dying for you to see it.”
She could be right. I finish my call with her, shower and change into jeans and ballet flats. I grab my laptop, extra underwear, a soft T-shirt, my makeup bag, and a toothbrush. I stuff it all in my tote and head out of the room. I need to find a place to work until Jax’s shift is done.
“Have fun, hon.”
There’s laughter in her voice. They’ll be gossiping about this all week and I need to be ready next Saturday for the ten thousand questions they’ll ask.
I wait ‘til I get to the first traffic light off the highway to text Saona and find out her exact location.
I’m at Down Home Comfort. I need to put something in your trunk. Is that okay?
Another store? The woman’s addicted to buying stuff. I text back at the next light. Sure.
I’m there six minutes later and park outside. She steps out a minute later in a nude leather motorcycle jacket over a body-fitted dress and matching heels. She’s classy, sexy, and so very fuckable. I shake myself off and open the trunk for her to put her bags and then hurry out and around the front of the car to open the door for her.
She’s smiling when she reaches me, that birthmark calling for my mouth. But she hugs me, wrapping me and my body in her warmth and sweet and seductive floral scent. She kisses my cheek. “Hi.” I squeeze her tight to me, lingering for a moment before I let her go.
She climbs inside my SUV and I walk around with the imprint of her lips still tingling on my cheek. My car smells like her already when I climb in. I’m caught up on her still smiling face and her scent in my nostrils when it occurs to me, she’s so easy getting used to. Like that drink that becomes your favorite the first time it hits your palate.
“How was your day?”
I put the car in drive and pull out of the spot. “Long and tiring.”
“You should get more sleep at night.” She’s toying with her lip gloss but even with a quick side glance, I don’t miss the teasing smirk playing at the corner of her lips.
“I would if I didn’t have a certain someone climbing all over me and demanding I make her come.”
“And here I thought that was welcomed.”
I place a hand on her knees. “It was welcomed. Can I tell you a secret?”
She leans toward me, but I wait ‘til I’m at a light to turn to her and lean slightly in. “I can’t wait to make you come again.”
“Me either.” She shakes her head and her bottom lip disappears behind her teeth. I can’t stop staring.
The car behind me honks the horn. The light is green and I’m caught up in her.
“In New York, the driver behind us would’ve sat on his horn until you moved.”
I keep my eyes on the road but my hand is still at her knee. “You guys are rude up there.”
She traces idle circles on the back of my hand. “I’m very polite, thank you very much.”
“You told me to get the fuck out last night.”
“You made me mad.”
“Some excuse. Anyway, what did you do all day?’
She groans. “Had a meeting every hour, had to fire two people who decided it would be hot to hook up on the conference room table, and then dealt with the fallout. The moron guy threatened me with a lawyer because he was never made aware that was against company rules.”
“Are you serious?”
“I wish I weren’t. I wanted to laugh in his face when I printed out the company policy pages and highlighted the four parts where it’s mentioned.” But she’s not laughing.
“What? You feel bad for the guy?”
“I don’t like firing people. It’s what I hate about my job. What about their families and how will their bills get paid? And finding a job is not that easy, especially after getting fired.”
I love this side of her. She’s always thinking of others like her sister, niece and nephew, and now her employees.
“They should’ve thought about it before they messed around on the job.”
“Isn’t that what you do when you come upstairs to my room?”
I smile. “Yup, but haven’t been caught yet.”
“And if you do?”
I look at her briefly and wink. “I’ll look for another job with my balls empty and a smile still on my face.”
Saona
I don’t even know what the crab tasted like. The whole meal, like the whole day, my thoughts are on Jax. Last night had more than lived up to my fantasies for the past three months. I could have done without the rough beginning, though.
His messages all day, like always, it seems, came at the right time. Whenever I was getting ready to throttle an employee, or fall asleep during a meeting, a message from him would come through—I’m still thinking of you, I hope you’re having a great lunch, I can’t wait to see you tonight. I would end up flustered or smiling and in a way better mood.
It’s funny how he doesn’t seem fazed by this being our first time in public together. Last night didn’t count. He barely interacted with the waiter but tonight he’s been smiling and super polite the whole time. Is this how he always acts after he’s gotten laid all night?
Or is it something else?
I’ve been keeping my mind off last night. Well, the parts I can, because those memories of Jax’s lips, his hands, his body on top of—or under or behind—mine, I’m hopeless against those. Especially when he’s sitting across the table, moving those lips or curving them so sexy. I’m hot at what I know he can do to me, what he’s already hinted he’s going to do to me tonight after he’s done with work.
What I’m trying not to think about is the words that were said and the ones that haven’t been. I’m trying not to dwell on his admission that he hasn’t gone out with his friends to stay on the phone with me. I’m also not analyzing my reaction to him flirting with that girl. That’s why when he asked if I wanted to grab dinner tonight, I’d kept my hopes low. Everyone’s gotta eat, right? We just happened to do it together. It doesn’t make it a date.
We’re not kissing or making plans and he already knows he’s getting lucky. So am I. It’s all very relaxed, talking about our days.
“I told Mom I was going out with you tonight.”
I almost choke. “What? Why?”
“She was worried about my balls going blue.”
I start laughing until I realize he’s serious. “What kind of things are you telling your mother?”
He shrugs. “My mom and my aunt started reading Cosmo magazine last year. They started getting someone’s subscription and though they called and reported the error, the magazine keeps coming in the mail. They read it and discuss it. There was some article about blue balls in the last issue.”
“Wow, that’s pretty cool.”
He smirks. “’cause it’s not your balls being discussed.”
“Maybe, but they sound awesome. My mom would have a conniption if we discuss anything sex-related around her. I think Sierra and I could have benefited if she had been open-minded like your mom. When do you see her again?”
“I’m going there next weekend. There’s stuff around the house that needs maintenance and I want to make sure they don’t need anything and are not telling me.”
I lean forward and grab his hand. “You’re a good son.”
He runs his knuckles over my hand. “She’s a great mom. And plus, it makes no sense to pay for things I can do.”
“Why would they hide it?”
“They don’t want me to worry. Mom wants me to spend my time and money on fixing my house. But I need to take care of my ladies.”
I smile. “Like you promised your grandpa.”
Something tells me he would take care of them regardless. His dad died when he was young and his mom, aunt, and grandfather raised him. They’re family-stands-by-family people. We are too. I just wish my mom was a little more flexible about that when it came to sons-in-law. Particularly, the soon-to-be ex-son-in-law.
“Does it bother you I told her?”
Jax’s question takes me by surprise. His eyes on mine are so intense, burning a hole right through me, but I can’t look away. It doesn’t bother me he told her but this conversation makes me nervous because, where is it going? Why did he bring it up?
“No,” I say.
“You don’t sound so sure.”
“I am sure of that. I’m confused by the why. Last night you were angry with me for showing up by surprise. Today, you told your mom about me.”
He sits back but doesn’t take that oppressive gaze from mine.
“It felt like I was being tested and you expected me to be a sleaze. I’m not a cheater. When I’m with someone, I’m just with that person. I do flirt a little at the bar. It’s part of my job, but I don’t do much more than that.”
“Okay, but you more than flirted with me when we first met. I invited you up and you came.”
His eyes narrow but then he sighs. “I guess the missing word is anymore. Yeah, I used it to my full advantage before I was with Josie. Never after I got with her and I had never picked up anyone at this bar. I’ve been there for a year now.”
He’s telling the truth. He’s not dodging my eyes or fidgeting or giving me a cheesy smile like David used to. My mouth opens and I don’t know what I’ll say.
“Here’s the bill, like you asked, exactly at seven-thirty.” The waiter smiles, looking at Jax and then me. Jax has to work at eight so we need to settle the bill and go.
I reach for it but he beats me to it. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Dinner’s on me. This place was my idea.”
“And I asked you out. It’s my bill to pay.”
“I’ll give you a few minutes to decide.” The waiter turns on his heel and slinks away.
“Ugh. Let me get it. This place is ridiculously expensive and I can use my business stipend to cover it.”
“No.” His tone leaves no room for argument.
But I insist, “Come on, Jax. You don’t have to waste your money on this. You can use it for your house.”
His eyes go cold and his face dark and Dear Niño Jesús, why do I always say the wrong things around him?
“The money I choose to spend on my house or not is none of your business, Saona. If we’re on a date, I’m going to pay for us. I’m not your fucking ex-husband. You don’t have to feed me or support me.”
I’m hot, cold, shamed, and reeling. I didn’t want to embarrass him. I picked this place because my coworkers recommended it. I just fucking ruined our date.
Dear God, we were on a date.
11
Saona
* * *
Is this how every night in Baltimore is going to go? The past two visits I’ve spent the evenings agitated in my hotel.
I throw my head back and stare into the ceiling, trying to talk to God through the layers of concrete between us. Are you sending me signs that I need to let this go?
The dinner was going so well and all I wanted was for him not to waste his money. My per diem could cover it. All of a sudden, I’m meddling in how he spends his money. And what the actual fuck, we were on a date. I’m stupid for not realizing it but it’s not like he said the words. Nothing’s ever simple with that man…
…except getting naked.
Now we are back at square one again. The ride back was in complete silence, except for the “I’ll text you after work.”
I said okay because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to make things worse. But how do I make it better? It’s not like I can unstick the foot I shoved down my throat. Six years of marriage and apparently I still know nothing about men. So, I grab my phone and dial my expert.
“I’ve been waiting for you to call. I’ve been stuck in kid activities all day. Emmi wanted to go to the American Doll store but I told her you’re out of town. She settled for The Rat.”
The Rat is how Sierra refers to Chuck E. Cheese, a place we never went to as kids because my mom thought that’s where people with no money hung out with their kids. But my niece and nephew love it there.
“I’ll take her to the doll store next weekend. Sisi, I need your help.”
“Of course, you do.”
I’m tempted to hang up on her. “I messed up with Jax, twice. First, last night but we worked through that. But I messed up again today. I need you to help me fix it.”
"Oh God, girl. You went there to relax and spend extended time banging your casual piece. Your only casual piece, to my dismay. Because as I said, you should be fucking everything that's hot and makes you feel like a goddess now that you're single. But one guy that makes you feel like that is worth a million other mediocre ones. That whole bird in the hand thing. Anyway—"
I don’t have the time or patience for her rant. "Yes, I know what you want, Sisi. But one casual is enough and who knows if that's even going to be still happening after tonight?"
"Shit, you're breaking up with sexy, casual, beefy bartender that hits all the spots that count?"
Hang up now. "Sierra..."
She must hear the annoyance in my voice. "I'm sorry. I'll stifle myself. What the hell is happening over there?"
I start on last night and transition into today. "We went to dinner. He invited me, but I wanted to try this expensive steak and crab restaurant my team recommended. I wanted it to be my treat, paid for with my work meal stipend, but he wouldn't let me pay and I know it was super expensive. He paid and we had this bad argument later. I said I knew it was expensive and I didn't mind paying because he didn't need to spend all that money that he could be using for his place. He got super pissed and said if it’s a date, he’ll pay and that he wasn't like my fucking ex-husband."
"Mmhmmm"
I hate the way she drags the throaty sound. "What do you mean mmhmmm?"
She smacks her lips and I swear she’s doing everything in her power to annoy me.
"Why was it so wrong that he wanted to pay? He's the man and from what you told me about him, he's a man's man. He works with his hands and does things himself instead of hiring out."
"Yeah?"
She sighs. "Saona, the man obviously has pride. He's the type to want to take care of the woman. Which, you lucky bitch. You should be sitting back and letting him take care of you. Why aren’t you? Actually, here's the real question: if you are so casual about this man, why are you so bothered by the fact that he wants to treat you? Why are you not letting him do that?"
"Ummm." I have no answer.
"You're not supposed to be worried about breaking your casual piece's pocket. You're not supposed to be mentally allocating where his money is going. But you are, which leads me to believe that you're not casual like you think you are."
"I'm just trying to be considerate, that's all. Not everyone makes a lot of money and he has two jobs." Why is that so hard to understand?
"You like this guy.”
“No. I mean, yes. Of course. We’re cool.”
My sister chuckles and I sense a teaching moment is coming. I hate teaching moments.
“No, you really like this guy. And there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you admit it to yourself. You both do. Because as far as I'm concerned, you're both doing this casual thing fifty thousand shades of wrong."
"Why?"
“Most assholes would have run for the hills if a chick pulled that little act of showing up out of nowhere.”
“He was really pissed off. You didn’t see him.”
She tsk-tsks. “But he didn’t leave. And not only did he get over it, your bartender piece asked you out on a date. He wants to keep seeing you because he likes you. He's invested in this shit.”
“No.” But it sounds weak even as I say it.
“Yes, girl. He's always making sure you are okay and texting you and being cute and letting you know he's thinking of you."
"He's just being friendly, Sierra. We're not just going to bump uglies and say see you next time." And oh my God, how defensive did her name just sound on my lips?
"No, he's not just being friendly, Saona,” she mimics my same emphasis. “Don't you know men at all? Right now, he's being territorial and he wants to make clear there's a difference between him and the asshole that was mooching off you. You know what kind of man does that?"
"I don't know." I'm lying. I know what she's getting at but I don't want to admit it. Admission breeds awareness. I'm not ready to be aware. Not fully.
"You do know. A man that cares about what you think. A man that likes you more than just for spreading you and going to town on your Dominican sushi buffet. A man that needs you to feel safe with him because he wants to prove he's a protector, not a taker."
Oh fuck. "Why would you say that to me? I don't need to hear this."
"Yes, you do. This is not a bad thing. He's a considerate and nice piece. Not every woman gets a meat toy like that."
"Can you stop it with all your creative names, call him Jax."
Sierra sighs. "Is that what you really want? Because then I'll have images of him as Jax from Sons of Anarchy. Are you willing to admit he fucks you like an animal—"
"You're an ass," I laugh because my sister's craziness is what sometimes keeps me sane. If she didn’t make me laugh at myself, I would lose my mind.
She lets out a mixture giggle somewhere between evil queen and thirteen-year-old girl. "I'm glad you're laughing. You've had enough sadness lately. So, go find your dude and enjoy your time together."
"How can I, after everything you put in my head?"
"By letting shit evolve as it will. Don't talk about shit but if it comes up, roll with it. Oh, and since you're so worried about his bank account and where he spends his money, don't go anywhere else this weekend."
That won’t work. "He'd get fired if they find him in my room. Not to mention, he'll probably pitch a fit if I order room service."
"Then go to his house. Get butt-ass naked and every time he wants to go somewhere but for a walk to air out your cooch, you jump his ass and fuck him till he passes out."
“His house? It’s so personal. Do you think he’ll want to?”
My sister cackles, “He sprung a date on you. Now you spring yourself onto his turf and give him some memories for the lonely months until you go back there. Plus, he’s always asking you about your opinion about shit for the house. He’s dying for you to see it.”
She could be right. I finish my call with her, shower and change into jeans and ballet flats. I grab my laptop, extra underwear, a soft T-shirt, my makeup bag, and a toothbrush. I stuff it all in my tote and head out of the room. I need to find a place to work until Jax’s shift is done.
