The complete works, p.170
The Complete Works, page 170
"Look here, Marion," I said, "are you going to marry me or are you not?"
She smiled at me. "Well," she said, "we're engaged--aren't we?"
"That can't go on for ever. Will you marry me next week?"
She looked me in the face. "We can't," she said.
"You promised to marry me when I had three hundred a year."
She was silent for a space. "Can't we go on for a time as we are? We COULD marry on three hundred a year. But it means a very little house. There's Smithie's brother. They manage on two hundred and fifty, but that's very little. She says they have a semi-detached house almost on the road, and hardly a bit of garden. And the wall to next-door is so thin they hear everything. When her baby cries--they rap. And people stand against the railings and talk.... Can't we wait? You're doing so well."
An extraordinary bitterness possessed me at this invasion of the stupendous beautiful business of love by sordid necessity. I answered her with immense restraint.
"If," I said, "we could have a double-fronted, detached house--at Ealing, say--with a square patch of lawn in front and a garden behind--and--and a tiled bathroom"
"That would be sixty pounds a year at least."
"Which means five hundred a year.... Yes, well, you see, I told my uncle I wanted that, and I've got it."
"Got what?"
"Five hundred pounds a year."
"Five hundred pounds!"
I burst into laughter that had more than a taste of bitterness.
"Yes," I said, "really! and NOW what do you think?"
"Yes," she said, a little flushed; "but be sensible! Do you really mean you've got a Rise, all at once, of two hundred a year?"
"To marry on--yes."
She scrutinised me a moment. "You've done this as a surprise!"
she said, and laughed at my laughter. She had become radiant, and that made me radiant, too.
"Yes," I said, "yes," and laughed no longer bitterly.
She clasped her hands and looked me in the eyes.
She was so pleased that I forgot absolutely my disgust of a moment before. I forgot that she had raised her price two hundred pounds a year and that I had bought her at that.
"Come!" I said, standing up; "let's go towards the sunset, dear, and talk about it all. Do you know--this is a most beautiful world, an amazingly beautiful world, and when the sunset falls upon you it makes you into shining gold. No, not gold--into golden glass.... Into something better that either glass or gold."...
And for all that evening I wooed her and kept her glad. She made me repeat my assurances over again and still doubted a little.
We furnished that double-fronted house from attic--it ran to an attic--to cellar, and created a garden.
"Do you know Pampas Grass?" said Marion. "I love Pampas Grass...
if there is room."
"You shall have Pampas Grass," I declared. And there were moments as we went in imagination about that house together, when my whole being cried out to take her in my arms--now. But I refrained. On that aspect of life I touched very lightly in that talk, very lightly because I had had my lessons. She promised to marry me within two months' time. Shyly, reluctantly, she named a day, and next afternoon, in heat and wrath, we "broke it off"
again for the last time. We split upon procedure. I refused flatly to have a normal wedding with wedding cake, in white favours, carriages and the rest of it. It dawned upon me suddenly in conversation with her and her mother, that this was implied. I blurted out my objection forthwith, and this time it wasn't any ordinary difference of opinion; it was a "row." I don't remember a quarter of the things we flung out in that dispute. I remember her mother reiterating in tones of gentle remonstrance: "But, George dear, you must have a cake--to send home." I think we all reiterated things. I seem to remember a refrain of my own: "A marriage is too sacred a thing, too private a thing, for this display. Her father came in and stood behind me against the wall, and her aunt appeared beside the sideboard and stood with arms, looking from speaker to speaker, a sternly gratified prophetess. It didn't occur to me then! How painful it was to Marion for these people to witness my rebellion.
"But, George," said her father, "what sort of marriage do you want? You don't want to go to one of those there registry offices?"
"That's exactly what I'd like to do. Marriage is too private a thing--"
"I shouldn't feel married," said Mrs. Ramboat.
"Look here, Marion," I said; "we are going to be married at a registry office. I don't believe in all these fripperies and superstitions, and I won't submit to them. I've agreed to all sorts of things to please you."
"What's he agreed to?" said her father--unheeded.
"I can't marry at a registry office," said Marion, sallow-white.
"Very well," I said. "I'll marry nowhere else."
"I can't marry at a registry office."
"Very well," I said, standing up, white and tense and it amazed me, but I was also exultant; "then we won't marry at all."
She leant forward over the table, staring blankly. But presently her half-averted face began to haunt me as she had sat at the table, and her arm and the long droop of her shoulder.
III
The next day I did an unexampled thing. I sent a telegram to my uncle, "Bad temper not coming to business," and set off for Highgate and Ewart. He was actually at work--on a bust of Millie, and seemed very glad for any interruption.
"Ewart, you old Fool," I said, "knock off and come for a day's gossip. I'm rotten. There's a sympathetic sort of lunacy about you. Let's go to Staines and paddle up to Windsor."
"Girl?" said Ewart, putting down a chisel.
"Yes."
That was all I told him of my affair.
"I've got no money," he remarked, to clear up ambiguity in my invitation.
We got a jar of shandy-gaff, some food, and, on Ewart's suggestion, two Japanese sunshades in Staines; we demanded extra cushions at the boathouse and we spent an enormously soothing day in discourse and meditation, our boat moored in a shady place this side of Windsor. I seem to remember Ewart with a cushion forward, only his heels and sunshade and some black ends of hair showing, a voice and no more, against the shining,
smoothly-streaming mirror of the trees and bushes.
"It's not worth it," was the burthen of the voice. "You'd better get yourself a Millie, Ponderevo, and then you wouldn't feel so upset."
"No," I said decidedly, "that's not my way."
A thread of smoke ascended from Ewart for a while, like smoke from an altar.
"Everything's a muddle, and you think it isn't. Nobody knows where we are--because, as a matter of fact we aren't anywhere.
Are women property--or are they fellow-creatures? Or a sort of proprietary goddesses? They're so obviously fellow-creatures.
You believe in the goddess?"
"No," I said, "that's not my idea."
"What is your idea?"
"Well"
"H'm," said Ewart, in my pause.
"My idea," I said, "is to meet one person who will belong to me--to whom I shall belong--body and soul. No half-gods! Wait till she comes. If she comes at all.... We must come to each other young and pure."
"There's no such thing as a pure person or an impure person....
Mixed to begin with."
This was so manifestly true that it silenced me altogether.
"And if you belong to her and she to you, Ponderevo--which end's the head?"
I made no answer except an impatient "oh!"
For a time we smoked in silence....
"Did I tell you, Ponderevo, of a wonderful discovery I've made?"
Ewart began presently.
"No," I said, "what is it?"
"There's no Mrs. Grundy."
"No?"
"No! Practically not. I've just thought all that business out.
She's merely an instrument, Ponderevo. She's borne the blame.
Grundy's a man. Grundy unmasked. Rather lean and out of sorts.
Early middle age. With bunchy black whiskers and a worried eye.
Been good so far, and it's fretting him! Moods! There's Grundy in a state of sexual panic, for example,--'For God's sake cover it up! They get together--they get together! It's too exciting!
The most dreadful things are happening!' Rushing about--long arms going like a windmill. 'They must be kept apart!' Starts out for an absolute obliteration of everything absolute separations. One side of the road for men, and the other for women, and a hoarding--without posters between them. Every boy and girl to be sewed up in a sack and sealed, just the head and hands and feet out until twenty-one. Music abolished, calico garments for the lower animals! Sparrows to be
suppressed--ab-so-lutely."
I laughed abruptly.
"Well, that's Mr. Grundy in one mood--and it puts Mrs.
Grundy--She's a much-maligned person, Ponderevo--a rake at heart--and it puts her in a most painful state of fluster--most painful! She's an amenable creature. When Grundy tells her things are shocking, she's shocked--pink and breathless. She goes about trying to conceal her profound sense of guilt behind a haughty expression....
"Grundy, meanwhile, is in a state of complete whirlabout. Long lean knuckly hands pointing and gesticulating! 'They're still thinking of things--thinking of things! It's dreadful. They get it out of books. I can't imagine where they get it! I must watch! There're people over there whispering! Nobody ought to whisper!--There's something suggestive in the mere act! Then, pictures! In the museum--things too dreadful for words. Why can't we have pure art--with the anatomy all wrong and pure and nice--and pure fiction pure poetry, instead of all this stuff with allusions--allusions?... Excuse me! There's something up behind that locked door! The keyhole! In the interests of public morality--yes, Sir, as a pure good man--I insist--I'LL
look--it won't hurt me--I insist on looking my duty--M'm'm--the keyhole!'"
He kicked his legs about extravagantly, and I laughed again.
"That's Grundy in one mood, Ponderevo. It isn't Mrs. Grundy.
That's one of the lies we tell about women. They're too simple.
Simple! Woman ARE simple! They take on just what men tell 'em."
Ewart meditated for a space. "Just exactly as it's put to them,"
he said, and resumed the moods of Mr. Grundy.
"Then you get old Grundy in another mood. Ever caught him nosing, Ponderevo? Mad with the idea of mysterious, unknown, wicked, delicious things. Things that aren't respectable. Wow!
Things he mustn't do!... Any one who knows about these things, knows there's just as much mystery and deliciousness about Grundy's forbidden things as there is about eating ham. Jolly nice if it's a bright morning and you're well and hungry and having breakfast in the open air. Jolly unattractive if you're off colour. But Grundy's covered it all up and hidden it and put mucky shades and covers over it until he's forgotten it. Begins to fester round it in his mind. Has dreadful struggles--with himself about impure thoughts.... Then you set Grundy with hot ears,--curious in undertones. Grundy on the loose, Grundy in a hoarse whisper and with furtive eyes and convulsive
movements--making things indecent. Evolving--in dense vapours--indecency!
"Grundy sins. Oh, yes, he's a hypocrite. Sneaks round a corner and sins ugly. It's Grundy and his dark corners that make vice, vice! We artists--we have no vices.
"And then he's frantic with repentance. And wants to be cruel to fallen women and decent harmless sculptors of the simple nude--like me--and so back to his panic again."
"Mrs. Grundy, I suppose, doesn't know he sins," I remarked.
"No? I'm not so sure.... But, bless her heart she's a woman....
She's a woman. Then again you get Grundy with a large greasy smile--like an accident to a butter tub--all over his face, being Liberal Minded--Grundy in his Anti-Puritan moments, 'trying not to see Harm in it'--Grundy the friend of innocent pleasure. He makes you sick with the Harm he's trying not to see in it...
"And that's why everything's wrong, Ponderevo. Grundy, damn him!
stands in the light, and we young people can't see. His moods affect us. We catch his gusts of panic, his disease of nosing, his greasiness. We don't know what we may think, what we may say, he does his silly utmost to prevent our reading and seeing the one thing, the one sort of discussion we find--quite naturally and properly--supremely interesting. So we don't adolescence; we blunder up to sex. Dare--dare to look--and he may dirt you for ever! The girls are terror-stricken to silence by his significant whiskers, by the bleary something in his eyes."
Suddenly Ewart, with an almost Jack-in-the-box effect, sat up.
"He's about us everywhere, Ponderevo," he said, very solemnly.
"Sometimes--sometimes I think he is--in our blood. In MINE."
He regarded me for my opinion very earnestly, with his pipe in the corner of his mouth.
"You're the remotest cousin he ever had," I said.
I reflected. "Look here, Ewart," I asked, "how would you have things different?"
He wrinkled up his queer face, regarded the wait and made his pipe gurgle for a space, thinking deeply.
"There are complications, I admit. We've grown up under the terror of Grundy and that innocent but docile
and--yes--formidable lady, his wife. I don't know how far the complications aren't a disease, a sort of bleaching under the Grundy shadow.... It is possible there are things I have still to learn about women.... Man has eaten of the Tree of Knowledge.
His innocence is gone. You can't have your cake and eat it.
We're in for knowledge; let's have it plain and straight. I should begin, I think, by abolishing the ideas of decency and indecency...."
"Grundy would have fits!" I injected.
"Grundy, Ponderevo, would have cold douches--publicly--if the sight was not too painful--three times a day.... But I don't think, mind you, that I should let the sexes run about together.
No. The fact behind the sexes--is sex. It's no good humbugging.
It trails about--even in the best mixed company. Tugs at your ankle. The men get showing off and quarrelling--and the women.
Or they're bored. I suppose the ancestral males have competed for the ancestral females ever since they were both some sort of grubby little reptile. You aren't going to alter that in a thousand years or so.... Never should you have a mixed company, never--except with only one man or only one woman. How would that be?...
"Or duets only?...
"How to manage it? Some rule of etiquette, perhaps."... He became portentously grave.
Then his long hand went out in weird gestures.
"I seem to see--I seem to see--a sort of City of Women, Ponderevo. Yes.... A walled enclosure--good stone-mason's work--a city wall, high as the walls of Rome, going about a garden. Dozens of square miles of garden--trees--fountains--arbours--lakes. Lawns on which the women play, avenues in which they gossip, boats.... Women like that sort of thing. Any woman who's been to a good eventful girls' school lives on the memory of it for the rest of her life. It's one of the pathetic things about women--the superiority of school and college--to anything they get afterwards. And this city-garden of women will have beautiful places for music, places for beautiful dresses, places for beautiful work. Everything a woman can want. Nurseries.
Kindergartens. Schools. And no man--except to do rough work, perhaps--ever comes in. The men live in a world where they can hunt and engineer, invent and mine and manufacture, sail ships, drink deep and practice the arts, and fight--"
"Yes," I said, "but--"
He stilled me with a gesture.
"I'm coming to that. The homes of the women, Ponderevo, will be set in the wall of their city; each woman will have her own particular house and home, furnished after her own heart in her own manner--with a little balcony on the outside wall. Built into the wall--and a little balcony. And there she will go and look out, when the mood takes her, and all round the city there will be a broad road and seats and great shady trees. And men will stroll up and down there when they feel the need of feminine company; when, for instance, they want to talk about their souls or their characters or any of the things that only women will stand.... The women will lean over and look at the men and smile and talk to them as they fancy. And each woman will have this; she will have a little silken ladder she can let down if she chooses--if she "wants to talk closer..."
"The men would still be competing."
"There perhaps--yes. But they'd have to abide by the women's decisions."
I raised one or two difficulties, and for a while we played with this idea.
"Ewart," I said, "this is like Doll's Island.
"Suppose," I reflected, "an unsuccessful man laid siege to a balcony and wouldn't let his rival come near it?"
