I tilt my head at Carissa and she shoots him a scornful look and waits for me at the door. I point the gun in his direction and walk backward until we're in the car. She pries the gun from my hand and puts it under the car seat. I'm shaking so bad. I'm still so angry.

  "Let's go get some coffee and take a stroll around the boardwalk before we head back. We still have time before they get there."

  It takes us an hour before I kick off the anger. When we arrive at the bed and breakfast, the cops are waiting for us.

  "Didn't I tell you to stay put?"

  Amelia strolls by me and heads to the closet. She pulls out the last of her clothing and dumps it by the bed. Carissa shoves it inside the suitcase. Neither woman says anything.

  "Why would you go visit him? Did I not tell you to stay the fuck away from Emilio?"

  "Yeah, but I've missed him and you're not my father."

  What the fuck? Does she not get what she did? I nearly blacked out when I found out she pulled a gun on Emilio. I keep picturing him coming out to hurt her but she went to him, to his house. "Is everything a fucking joke to you? You must have really lost your marbles this time. He keeps guns. He could have shot you."

  She scoffs. "Whatever. It's done and over. We're leaving."

  "Why did you do it, Amelia?"

  "What do you mean? Have you met Emilio? Knowing him is enough reason to want to kill him. That's the only reason necessary."

  She has a point but that's not relevant here and even the irony of it can't make me less pissed-off. "This is serious. You got arrested and you can thank God for that. Because he wouldn’t have thought twice about shooting you."

  "I kind of wish he had. I wouldn't have to listen to father Leandro's endless lecture."

  "You're acting like a child."

  "Oh, shut the fuck up." She storms into the bathroom and slams the door closed.

  Alec steps between me and the door. I forgot he and Carissa were still around. I've never been so grateful, though Carissa has yet to make eye contact with me. Doesn't surprise me. She has Amelia's back in every way possible. Even in this hare-brained scheme.

  "Let's wait for them by the car." He turns to his wife. "Can you guys be down in ten minutes?"

  Carissa's eyes shift from the bag she's zipping up to him. "We can manage. Let's just stay out of each other's way ‘til we get to New York."

  Her words stab at me and I hear the censure in her tone and stare at the closed bathroom door. "Fine by me."

  I head downstairs, Alec stays behind to talk to his wife and I struggle for sanity all the way to the car. What the hell were Amelia and Carissa thinking? We were headed back to the bed and breakfast to tell them we were leaving but were stalled when we got the call that Amelia had been brought in to the station.

  Alec places a hand on my shoulder. "Slow down. You need to stop fighting with her. You're going through a lot. Don't let that choose what you're going to say."

  "Come on, man. How can I stop myself? She could have gotten herself killed. You know what an asshole Emilio is. He already thinks I could have stopped Lucy's death but was too worried about getting with Amelia. And maybe I am. Maybe I was."

  Alec gives me a slight shove. "No, you heard what the cop said. He thinks she's been dead for a while. The only time you stopped looking was last night."

  I nod, but I don't agree. This is my fault. "It's because of me she's dead. If I hadn't been so caught up on my feelings, I would have thought of Lucy after Byanca."

  Alec frowns at me like I spoke to him in French. "How the fuck could you have known? Bas already had Lucy when he called you. Bas is to blame, not you. I know you feel guilty, but just like I wasn't guilty for not getting in the car instead of Sheldon, you're not guilty of Lucy's death."

  He's right. I know what he's saying is true but I can't help it. Just like I can't help thinking that I can fail and Bas will get his hands on Amelia. "How am I going to protect her?"

  "You will. No one's better than you at that. Nothing's going to happen to Mel."

  It's my turn to scoff. "As long as I can keep her from doing crazy shit."

  Alec's shoulders sag. "I promised Carissa to keep my mouth shut but I have to tell you. You wouldn't keep this from me."

  Oh God. What the hell did she do? The question echoes in my head. "What is it?"

  "She went to Emilio's house with the intention to threaten him. She told him that if he ever touches you again or tries anything against you, she's going to kill him."

  The bottom of my stomach drops out. I scrub a hand over my face. She went to threaten him because of me. There's a warm feeling in my chest for the first time today. She did something stupid, reckless. It could have landed her in jail. And she did it for me, to defend me.

  "Jesus, Alec."

  "They got rid of the gun before getting to the bed and breakfast. That's why the cops couldn't find it."

  "And since it was her and Carissa's word against Emilio and Anna never saw the gun, they had to let her go."

  Alec nodded. "The important part here is it didn't become a huge deal. It's done and over and she did it for you. I know you're worried about her and upset but there's one good thing that came from this trip, you and her."

  I shake my head, look at the downcast sky for strength. "I can't. We can't do this right now. I can't protect her and do this."

  Alec recoils. He knows what this means. "You can't do this. This is a bad situation, but pushing her away won't work. You've tried. You can't do it."

  "I have to. I can't be watching her and tangled up on a bed with her at the same time. She takes away my concentration. She's my chaos and I forget. I forget what I need to do. Two women are dead. One more and then it's her."

  Alec's fingers dig into his skull. "Don't make any decisions today, Leo. Let's get through tonight. Byanca's funeral is tomorrow. Don't say or do anything about this ‘til then."

  I nod. The last thing I want is to pile on her suffering or mine and the conversation won't be easy in any way.

  An hour later, we're in the sky. She and Carissa are sitting in the front of the plane. Amelia took one look at the seats we occupied on the way here and stayed in the front. Carissa stayed with her. Alec and I sat all the way back, the middle of the plane was like the line in the sand.

  She won't look at me and in just a few hours, I've lost her smile, her snark, her eyes. On the way to the airport she was a yes and no auto-respond message. Two hours after that, walking through the door of the Brownstone, I try to talk to her.

  She looks at me then and I wish she hadn't. It's a be-careful-what-you-wish-for moment. There's nothing there, no anger, no passion, just blankness.

  "Amelia, thank you for defending me and taking on Emilio but I just wish you hadn't taken the risk—" I don't finish because she walks away, leaving me like a statue, staring after her. Again.

  This is what we're destined for. It's good I've stopped.

  18

  I wish I could go home to my place. That Sebastian hadn’t tainted it by taking the life of my friend. I’ll never be able to go back in there. I need to find a new home.

  “Mel?”

  It takes me a few seconds to realize Carissa's talking to me. She's staring at me, a slight strain between her eyebrows.

  "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

  She pulls me towards a chair and out of my thoughts, forces me to do the one thing I've been reluctant to do all day. Engage.

  She looks over my shoulder. "You should eat something."

  I can only manage a shake of my head. “I'm not hungry.”

  I'm really not anything but tired. Maybe hurt, destroyed, drowning. We buried Byanca two hours ago, after a short private viewing. She looked beautiful in her favorite dress. We bought it together and she wore it to Gia's bridal shower. A hardened woman from the streets of New York, flushed with pleasure in her “adult designer gown,” as she'd called it. The sheer pleasure in her eyes and the warm glow of her skin that night, had been replaced by the stiff, waxy, unnatural color in the corpse that was no longer my friend.

  I didn't cry until her nephew came to me and thanked me again because his mother couldn't. Everything went hazy after that. I went away. I cuddled with my thoughts, concentrated on breathing, and avoided consciousness until now. Everything comes crashing down. Byanca's underground. Lucy's dead. Leandro's discarded me like yesterday's garbage. He's been cold and distant and I get it, he's hurt, Lucy's dead but he doesn't have to face that alone. I tried to tell him that. And he thanked me. He fucking thanked me and kept going. I get it. Thanks, but no thanks.

  I let it go. I get that it's not about me right now. It's not about us. It makes me feel like shit that I'm thinking about me and my pain when I know what he's going through, but it's hard when he's all business as usual. When I see him composed and leaning on Alec. I try to be happy because he has someone but there's a part of me that bends and breaks, dies and decays.

  "Mel, you should eat something," Carissa says again.

  I can't breathe. I can't stay here. I can't be in the same room with him. I need air and shoot to my feet. "Okay, I'll eat. Let's go to the Russian Tea Room."

  Carissa's eyes crinkle. We never go there. We hate the fucking pretentiousness. It may be the pressure of my gaze on hers but she relents. "Okay."

  Leandro makes a sound deep in his throat. Out of the corner of my eye I see his halting arm. Carissa stills him with a look but it's Alec who says the word.

  "It's a good idea. Leo and I will go visit some associates. If you see anything…just stay vigilant."

  I sense Leandro's protest but I can't care. I don't want to care. I just want to go, put some distance between him and me. I am withering under the weight of his rejection. I'm grasping for pride. I'm giving myself two hours to become Amelia again. To put this pathetic ass chick on a shelf somewhere.

  The minute we're in the car, I turn to Carissa. "Let's go to the park. I want to walk."

  "It's raining.

  "I know."

  She nods. "Okay."

  I love her. It's amazing how much I love this woman. She doesn't care about the kind of crazy shit I ask, she'll do it. For me. I drag a smile from deep within my soul.

  "I'm not falling apart, Rissa. I just need to breathe, think. I can't do that in the house. Not today. Not when I am so down and out. You know?"

  She runs her fingers through my hair, gets the same look she does with Brook and Huddy. "It's going to get better. I can't say it will be tomorrow but it will. And Leo—"

  I raise my hand. "I don't want to talk about him. I just want to be with my best friend today, with my constant."

  She smiles this time but her eyes well a little. And she hugs me.

  "You've turned into a sap since you had kids." The crack in my voice kills the levity I'm shooting for.

  We walk in Central Park, from the west to the east side, at times stopping and sitting on the benches. We talk about Huddy and Brook. I love that I only have to say their names and nothing else matters. Not the cold water falling on us or the fact that our dresses are sopping wet or our ruined hair. Carissa gets this smile on her face, and she tells me how Huddy squeals “MehMeh” when he sees my photo. She says they would love to see me. I know what she's doing and I call her out for manipulating me into going back with her. She sad-laughs, says she had to try.

  We'll FaceTime when she's home tomorrow. Something bursts in my chest and I try to keep it locked. She's leaving and I'll be alone again. Without being able to call Byanca, trapped with my failure. I hold on to thoughts of Huddy and Brook, safe with their mom and I'm okay but not okay enough to fool her.

  "Things will change with Leo, I promise." She holds on to my hands tight. "I know you want to avoid it and I won't bring him up again, but he loves you. You know he does. He's hurt just like you are. He's dealing with a lot. He's worried about you and the asshole trying to hurt you."

  She's right. I know she's right but my body, my heart won't believe. I don't understand why I can't get used to this feeling. I know it, I live it, but why does it still hurt? I guess this is how I made him feel for more than a year. Being on the other side of the rejection coin puts it all in perspective. It’s funny that I spent all this time pushing him away and when I finally give in, when I finally want to embrace us, he doesn't want my comfort, my words or me?

  Yesterday when we got home from Block Island he tried to talk to me. Thank you for defending me, for having my back with my father but what you did was reckless…

  I walked away, locked myself in my room, washed the day away from my hair and my body and fell into bed. I went out quick. I didn't stir until Carissa woke me for the funeral this morning. She told me she'd been checking on me. She used her key when I didn't answer the door.

  What am I going to do with her gone? Maybe I should go with her but who's going to take care of New York? Gia's probably coming back but I need to be here. I can't leave Gia alone, not when we don't know who victim number three is. It all comes back to the asshole who has taken so many people from all of us.

  I'm scared. It's not only death and not knowing where he is, but also how much pain he will inflict on me. He hates Leandro and I am the woman that dared spurn Bas for him. I've dared call Carissa my sister, even knowing how much he hates that. He thought nothing of trying to shoot a pregnant woman on the verge of giving birth. He has no remorse for the life of the young girl who jumped in front of him to save her. He's thought nothing of the lives he's destroyed along the way.

  Yeah, he would make me suffer.

  My stomach knots, squeezing, strangling, smothering, suffocating me.

  Carissa asks me if I'm okay.

  "I'm fine."

  I don't want to die. Please don't leave me alone.

  I say none of this. I'm like a five-year-old who needs to be held, told that everything will be okay. Except she’s already said that and it's not enough. Because I'm a woman who does bad things, who communes with bad people and doesn't regret it or plan to change it. I know it won't be okay. I know two people are going to die. All so Leandro can suffer.

  I double over, coil my torso into my lap. Bas will kill him afterwards. He won't be able to help himself. He hates Leandro that much. The pain won't be enough, destroying him won't be enough. I think of Doctor Jacinda. Maybe I should see her again. I breathe one-two-three-four-five, hold it one-two-three-four-five, release in one-two-three-four-five. I lather-rinse-repeat it until the pressure in my stomach settles and the air flows free. I stay in the same position, the water rolling through my scalp and falling to the floor.

  "Mel?"

  I locate the strength to sit up and when I look at my friend I'm able to smile. "I think I'm just tired. Too much stuff going on."

  "He's not going to get to you. We're going to find him, kill him and be rid of him once and for all."

  I don't know how much I believe it. He's had a low-jack on our lives and our feelings. I know one thing, I can't let him have my life. I need to scare away the fear, so I need to be proactive.

  "I'm going to speak to Jamie about getting more security. He knows those Special Ops he's been trying to push on us. Maybe I can get some extra man power from them."

  Carissa's eyes brighten, the relief shining through. I'm still myself and won't fall apart on her. "That's good. That's really good. We'll call him from the car."

  "I'm also going to start looking for a new place. I can't go back to the loft after what happened there. Something in a more secure building."

  Her lips drift open and I can see the question coming. "What about Leo?"

  "He can stay for a while. I'll stay out of his way and keep an open mind but I'm going back to my resolve. I'm going to keep my distance. It is the right thing to do."

  19

  When Amelia and Carissa walk through the door, I can't believe my eyes. Their hair and clothes dripping wet. Tension hovers over Carissa's face and there’s a blank resolution on Amelia's.

  "How was the Russian Tea Room?" It's a cheap shot. I don't know why I do it. I guess I want her to know that I know she never wanted to go there. Or maybe I just want to see something other than the glassy-eyed look on her face. I can't stand it.

  I don't get to say anything else. She says she's going to dry up and heads to her room. I wait four seconds and though Alec tries to stop me, I follow her. I try to open the door when she doesn't answer the knock, but she's locked it. I swear I want to kick it until it comes off its hinges but I head back to the living room. I pass Carissa in the hallway and my usual ally looks hurt, maybe pissed-off at me.

  "You can't have it both ways, Leo. If you're going to push her away, you have to let her be."

  I want to snap at her but her eyes are wet in ways that have nothing to do with the rain. Alec is waiting for me. Isn't it ridiculous that our friends have to babysit us?

  "I'm sorry. You know how much they love each other. Carissa's just worried about both of you."

  "You don't have to apologize or explain. We all know who they are to each other."

  I don't see the drink until Alec presses it against my hand. I take it, don't say anything.

  "Noah and Gia will be coming in the day after tomorrow."

  That's good. She will need Gia and with Noah, they can help us get through this. I'll have one person I can trust around her to help keep her safe.

  "You cool with that? We can stay longer."

  I light-thump him on the shoulder. "No, you go home to your kids. We can manage. We're both adults. She wouldn't want you guys staying either."

  Alec purses his lips like he doesn't agree. I don't know if it's the adult part or the “we can manage” he's not convinced about. "I did what you told me. I set up for the money to be deposited to Anna. That's nice of you."

  I shove my shoulders up. "She's innocent in all of this and her husband is about to revert to the asshole he's always been."

  We head to the dining room. We're discussing the new additions to our security team. A new souped-up camera system in the building across the street from the Brownstone. We discuss budget because we've also rented a place in the building for surveillance.

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28