Steel, p.18
Steel, page 18
Yes, they are happy and loved and balanced but that's more of a testament to their parents than anything. And I'm…
The sob breaks through my chest. "I'm not Carissa. I'm going to screw this up." I bury my face in my hands. How can he ask this of me? My kids would probably hate me.
Tiny fingers pry my hands from my face. The twins are close and so is Leandro. The kids settle against me. They can't stand to see anyone cry so they need to make sure I'm okay.
Leandro shifts closer. "If anyone was born to be someone's mom, it's you. You love harder than anyone I know. I've been trying to get that love for the longest time. I'm looking forward to the first time someone looks at our kids the wrong way and having to hold you back."
Our kids, he says, like they're already a thing. Like I have already said yes. "That's no reason to have a kid, not with the way we live. Kids make you vulnerable."
"So does love and yet, here we both are."
Jesus, he's been thinking about this. I can't think of what to say and he keeps going.
"How about we deserve a family? I want to be with you, I want to have kids with you. We would give so much love to our child. No kid in the world would feel so loved and secure, except maybe these two." He tickles Brook's belly.
I look at them and I can't deny how happy they are. I know I would love our kids to death, protect them, take care of them and never make them feel like they're alone to shoulder the world.
He grabs my hand. "You said you would have our baby if you got pregnant. We can actually plan and be ready for her or him. We can prepare for the family we both want.”
God, this is fucked. He just doesn’t understand. “You wouldn’t be the problem. You’ll be a great dad.” I don’t know how to explain it but then I don’t have to, the words just slip through my lips. “I don’t have a great record taking care of what’s mine. My parents left me in charge of Nelly and—"
“You fed her, got her ready for school when your mom was working. You were there for her and loved her more than anyone; fought when a predator got to her, even though he could've killed you. You taught her to do the right thing by telling Gia everything and then stood up for both your best friend and your sister."
His words might as well be a noose. They tighten around my throat and all I can do is whimper.
"You fight for those you love, Amelia. You fight for those you're fighting not to love, like me. You threatened to kill Emilio for hitting me. You showed up and threatened Alec Fu…flipping McLean for Carissa. You're a fu…freaking lioness. You're the soul of all of this."
I'm crying and Brook starts to cry and so does her brother and the three of us are blubbering and I'm trying to calm them down but failing. Leandro offers to fling them up in the air and they calm down. He takes turns until both kids are happy again.
Meanwhile, I'm sitting here trying not to think. I'm on the grass, still crying, because I want what he's offering. That's the truth. But what if it all goes wrong? What if I have to spend another night in a hospital, bleeding? Can my heart survive another ten days of my body trying to purge itself of what used to be my baby? But what is the alternative? Let my fear keep me from it all? I do want him and the little hellions I know our kids would be.
Brook and Huddy start chasing each other around and Leandro comes back to the blanket and pulls me to the side. He hugs me so tight. "I don't want to upset you. If you really don't want them, I can live with just you. I'll just have to spoil those two until no one can stand them."
"I want them too, as long as we're both all in. We put them first."
He kisses my forehead and nods.
"And we have to get married. I'm not going to be your baby mama."
He stiffens and for the first time since this conversation started, I feel like laughing. "Kids you're okay with, but marriage scares the life out of you?"
He waits a moment. "You, Amelia, scare the life out of me."
34
All smiles and hand in hand, Alec and Carissa stroll in the room. My boy has that stupid glassy-eyed look you get from getting laid.
I waste no chance and get to embarrassing him. "Something tells me there was no sleep going on."
"There was sleep." Her lips curve, trumping her words.
"Mel’s putting the twins down for their nap but we're not going in there." Alec moves to take the seat across from me and Carissa sits next to him.
"If we go in now, they'll never nap."
I know what they mean. "They had a busy morning. By the way, your landscaper needs to lay more grass."
Alec groans. "They love yanking things out of the ground."
"Yeah, ask Amelia."
"How are you guys doing?" Alec drapes his arm over his wife's shoulder.
I think about the heavy conversations today. I came away with everything I didn't know I wanted. "We're doing okay."
Carissa laughs. "Are you sure you were taking care of my kids? That's not an I've-been-run-over-by-twins smile on your face."
My lips are sealed. I know Amelia would want to tell them together. I don't even know if she wants to tell them right now. I just know I need to be ready when she does.
"I should pay a visit to our guy on Eastwick road."
The fleeting frown on Alec's face goes unperceived by Carissa. It's one of our code phrases. It means we need to go do something away from our chicks.
"Okay. When?"
"Today."
He nods. "One man or two-man job?"
"I can use you."
"Do you guys want me to leave? I can go wait for Mel in another room. Your codes are straight out of high school."
I laugh. I can't help myself. She’s annoyed, no more than annoyed, vexed.
"Excuse us for not having French girlfriends we can bring up to talk business in codes. What’s his name Louis? Pierre?"
She rolls her eyes at her husband.
"Anyway," I say, "You don't really have to come if you prefer to stay behind to man things here."
"I'll go," Alec says.
He's dying of curiosity or maybe he knows me so well, he can guess. Our jeweler is on Eastwick, after all.
Then my chick walks in the room in her dirty T-shirt and jeans. My thoughts no longer center on Alec or the sharp looks from Carissa.
She comes to stand by me, draping an arm over my shoulder like we've been doing this relationship thing forever. Her hand rubs the back of my neck and I'm still looking up at her like a fool.
I pull her by her long curls and kiss her, slow, soft. When I look up, our friends are smiling like the two idiots that walked in minutes ago.
"Where are you guys going?" Amelia asks.
How the fuck did she hear that?
Carissa hops to her feet and heads our way. "They're going on a top-secret mission with code words and everything. Oh, and they're jealous of our sophisticated code-talk."
Amelia looks from her to me and frowns. "Okay…"
"Either you locked the minions in the dungeons or they're sleeping," Alec says.
She laughs, the sound so natural it makes us all smile. "They finally fell asleep. I had to give them a bath. Thanks for telling me that Hudson has discovered what makes him different from his sister. Also, thanks a lot for telling me the boy knows how to say penis."
It's Alec's turn to laugh.
Carissa's way less amused. "Sorry."
Amelia shakes her head. "I almost dropped Brook when he touched it and yelled the word.”
We're still laughing when my phone rings. Noah starts talking the second I hit the speakerphone, no hello or pleasantries. "Leo, they found another woman dead."
My heart tumbles into my stomach and my hand reaches for Amelia’s. I pull her to me. The teasing gone from her eyes, replaced by something that raises the hairs in my arms.
She knows. Everyone in the room knows. The laughter has died.
"Who is she?"
"I don't know yet, hasn't been identified. The police are keeping it tight. Byrnes is being kept in the dark. His partner is trying to find out for us. But there is one thing. The cops want to talk to us. You, Alec, and me."
"Why? Why now?"
"Byrnes texted that they got to talk to the Block Island police and now they know the murders are connected. He says they have nothing but that it's in our favor to talk to them and not make them come looking."
"You and Gia, okay?"
"Yeah. She's dying to talk to Mel and Carissa.”
"We all just got our phones set up. They'll call her after we talk. Okay? Stay safe, bro."
Carissa's head hangs back. "Shit. Do we ever get five fucking minutes to breathe?"
Amelia shakes her head. "Who could that poor woman be?"
I stare at her for a second. She's wondering about the woman like she doesn't know what this means. Or maybe she does know, and this is her way of trying not to scare. I try that too. “I don’t know.”
Amelia’s hand tightens around my waist. “What are we going to do?”
Normally when she asks this question, she’s looking at Carissa. Today, my face is her focal point.
“I was hoping we could stay here for a couple more days. We need a plan for Sebastian. Now we have to head to New York and we have nothing other than our ability to wait.”
Alec nods. “They want to see all three of us, which means we need to show up. I guess we’ll have to do our planning in New York. It will be easier with Gia and Noah there.”
Amelia moves to put a hand on Carissa’s arm. “We’ll get a whole caravan.”
Carissa’s pale but she nods and reaches into her back pocket. She hands Amelia her phone and crosses the room to Alec.
They exchange a worried look. I understand. They have to take their kids into the epicenter.
Amelia’s already on the phone with their people but after she’s done, she comes back to stand by me.
“I know it’s not your first rodeo. Charles tells me, this can’t be in better hands than yours.” I hate how much ego massaging and soothing it takes to work with men sometimes. “Just making sure there are no surprises. That’s all.”
Because I will fuck you up if something goes wrong and we will feed you to the Hudson River fishes, after you beg for mercy. I don’t want to threaten a former Black Ops, but his skills won't do shit for him if he fails us.
I'm so nervous I'm almost agitated. It's nerve wracking enough traveling under the danger we all live. Add a narcissistic asshole with a vendetta trying to kill me, specifically, and a set of twins in my entourage, and I'm practically convulsing into an anxiety-bordering-on-paranoia-titty attack.
"Mel, we got you, okay? Don't worry. You don't know me, but Charles knows me and so does Jamie. I understand the stakes here, okay? Your security is here too. Gia oversaw the plan and she's agreed. You do trust her, right?"
This motherfuc—my thoughts go blank at the sight of Leandro at the door frame. He has this little smile playing about his lips.
I wrap up my conversation and hang up. He's still smiling.
"What?"
"I just like to watch you in your environment. You have an uncanny ability to cut a man down."
There's amusement in his voice. He doesn't move from his spot, just watches me.
"Are we leaving? I'm ready to go." I point to my purse on top of the bed to avoid leering at his body fitted shirt.
He shakes his head but doesn't take his eyes from me. Okay, this isn't weird at all.
"Leandro," I say his name low but infuse it with an I'm-not-playing tone. He laughs and comes away from the door to stand in front of me.
"We are leaving but I wanted to talk to you first."
Tension breaks on the back of my neck. What now? He doesn't seem worried but he could just be preparing to throw down the gauntlet. My nerves have serrated edges from this flight and arrival into New York.
"Okay."
"I want to give you something."
Oh. "Before we go? I don't think we have time. Alec would have our heads."
His lips curve and his head comes closer. "Don't you think it would be worth it?" His tongue slides between my lips.
I lean closer to him, place my hand on his torso, tilt my face up to his. He yanks me hard against him.
Now, I don't care if our friends are waiting for us or if they know what we're doing here. He wants me and I want him. I start to pull up his shirt and he jumps back.
"Jesus, stop distracting me."
I'm baffled. "Okay, what the hell is this? You said you wanted to give me something but then you're yelling at me."
"First of all, I'm not yelling. Second, I didn't come to give you that. Though I plan to, when we get to New York. Third, this is what I want to give you."
He reaches in his pocket, pulls out a small black velvet box and everything around me goes hazy. He kneels in front of me and slips the ring on my finger. It's a teardrop and yellow and I can't say anything. I just stand there like an estupida and he doubles over with laughter.
I'm frozen and he laughs.
"Why are you surprised? You said we have to get married."
The air does a slow trickle into my lungs and I'm finally able to breathe. "But…" Great, now I can't form sentences.
He stands up and takes my face between his hands. "Why does a ring freak you out so much?"
"I didn't think you would actually go out and get one." The words fly out of my mouth and I'm almost ashamed because I don't want him to think that I don't want this.
"Was that your last scare tactic?"
"Why are you not mad at me? I just ruined your proposal." I groan because that's exactly what I did. "Oh God, I ruined your proposal, but you took me by surprise and I was thinking something bad happened and you've never even said you love me."
His face goes taut, the smile frozen on his lips until it looks like a grimace-frown hybrid. "What did you say?"
"You never said you're in love with me or that you love me. I mean, I know you feel it and all…"
His lips part into a you're-unbelievable smile. Uh oh. I messed up again. How does one fuck up their own marriage proposal? All I have to do is say yes. My screw-up powers amaze me too.
It's the truth, though. He’s never said it.
Leandro scoffs, the smile drying on his lips. He takes a step back but he might as well have come closer. His eyes hone in on me like the villain in an old flick. He's cornering the innocent girl, trapping her against the train tracks. Not that I'm innocent.
"You know why I never said I'm in love with you?" He doesn't wait for me to answer. "It's because I'm not in love with you."
He stalks closer and I can't process his words. Not when the fire in his gaze scorches over me and I'm burning from inside out.
"No, in love is not enough. What I feel for you is bigger, longer, deeper, thicker. It's insidious and abnormal." He stops short of touching me. "I'm obsessed with your every breath, fascinated every time you flick your hair. I come alive with your smart-assed comments and get hard with your defiance of anything and anyone. When you touch me, I struggle and have to remind myself that I'm a man and I have pride and shouldn’t beg."
He snatches my hand and shoves it into his chest.
"You're a virus, Amelia. One that's infested my soul with your aggressive love, aggressive kindness, aggressive loyalty. Your effect on me is almost violent. Until you, I never met anyone that loves the people she considers hers that hard. Then, I fell for you and I suddenly understand. You're…"
His lips find mine and we pour ourselves in the kiss. I'm shaking so bad I can't speak. No one has ever said anything like this to me. Never have I been loved this way. We break away with audible breath, gasping for air that won't be enough to ever make me feel okay again. He loves me. No, he more than loves me. He feels the way I feel.
Our foreheads touch and he's staring into my eyes and there's so much I want to say but I'm paralyzed and I don't trust myself. And then he pushes me over.
"You are my life, my soul…everything. Are my feelings for you clear now?"
I can't talk so I nod.
35
I look around and I'm amazed. How the hell did they manage to do this? Alec has the same look of shock and Noah keeps shaking his head. We look at each other and then at the three women across the room. Carissa and Gia keep grabbing Amelia's hand and laughing. They're giggling like regular chicks, and is Amelia flushed? I haven't seen them looking this happy since Gia and Noah's wedding.
"I can't fucking believe this. They built a fort." Noah says and turns to his brother, "And you had no idea?"
Alec shakes his head and points at me.
"None. I'm still unsure of what's going on here."
Turns out all that planning and arguing I heard Amelia do over the phone was to bring us here to what looks like an old, dirty building on the outside. We kept asking questions but were asked to trust. Inside everything is brand new. We're in the penthouse, thirty floors above the ground. One side faces the river, the other looks into the city. When we asked whose place we were in, Amelia smiled and said, “ours.” Gia welcomed us to the City of Ruth. Carissa just smiled like a pretty magazine version of the Cheshire Cat.
Los Salvajes are spread all over the property. Two members are on patrol while each floor has two resident ones. Amelia informs me there are also people guarding the back of the building this time around.
We took the back elevator after going through a couple of heavily electronic access doors and walked into what they called the common area. There are four plexiglass rooms. Three are offices and there is a bonus room bigger than the others with a kids' table, toys, a projector screen and two big comfy seats, which they turned into beds and laid the twins to sleep on.
The common area is open space with a comfortable living room, an enormous dining room table, a full-size modern kitchen, and photos of all of us.
"I'm sorry but I think it's time you three stop simpering over Mel's football of a diamond and explain this place to us." Noah says and turns a knowing look to me. "You had that just stashed up, huh?"
