"She should've known better. You never listen."

  I humphed. The closest to a smile I've been to all day. "That's what I said."

  "I'm tired."

  I whip around at the sound of her voice. She's not looking at anyone, but the floor by her feet. She gets up and walks towards the door, leaving Gia and Carissa the most helpless I've ever seen them.

  I cross the room in three steps, catch her by the door. "Do you need me to come with you?" I don't know why I say it. This is never a good question and the blank look that follows is like a long needle through my chest

  "I'm okay. Thank you for everything today."

  Her girls are next to us in the next second and I can't say anything because Gia is offering to get her warm milk and Carissa is coming to make sure she is settled. I'm left standing as the three of them walk away.

  It's better this way because I swear I want to tell her to shove her thanks. I don't want to be thanked. I want not to be shoved aside. I want to be not feeling like I just got discarded with many thanks from the court of Amelia.

  This is pathetic and I'm pretty sure my man card is just one more infraction away from being pulled and destroyed.

  Noah strolls into the room and hugs me like he's planning to pulverize my rib cage and back bones.

  "Man, I'm glad you're safe. Where's Mel?"

  "She went to lie down." Alec gives me a gentle shove back toward the sitting area. "Sit down, let's talk about this."

  I should sit down and talk to him but my mind is walking away with her. It occurs to me I'm not needed here. She has Gia and Carissa to fuss over her and Alec and Noah to help protect her in this fortress that we have so painstakingly created. I'm not needed here, now, and I can use some time alone.

  "I'm going home…to my place."

  "What?" Noah asks.

  "You can't leave," Alec says.

  "Yeah, I can. I'm entrusting the two of you with her. She would never be better guarded than with you and your wives. I need some time."

  Alec moves in front of me. "Leo, she's not going to take this well. Women have funny ideas about things. You told me that yourself."

  I laugh. Can that be called a laugh?

  Noah's about to say something too but I stop him.

  "I just need a couple of days. You guys can handle it."

  I walk out before they try to change my mind.

  The morning sun's skirting over the wooden rail of the balcony. I've been waiting for it. I want to feel it on my feet. It will make this view complete. The lakes beyond the hills have me mesmerized. I can imagine waking up to this every day but can settle on enjoying for now.

  "I didn't know you were up." Gia's voice is soft, a little breathy.

  I yank my gaze from the rippling green hills and turn to my best friend. From her bare feet to the hair hanging softly over her shoulders, she's glowing more than usual and that's Noah's doing. She's in love. I smile because happiness on Gia is just something that feels right.

  "Is that for me?" I ask with my eye on one of the coffee mugs in her hands.

  She bobs her head up and down and hands it to me, moving to take the other chair on the balcony. "I love this place. I never thought I would."

  I know what she means. We lost Nelly here but we gained Brook and Huddy, and she got married in the most beautiful ceremony here. "It's peaceful. At least until the two little hellions wake up."

  Gia lets out a long breath. "You don't even know, yet. Wait ‘til you see them and spend five minutes with them. They're all over the place like wiggly little piglets rolling on the floor and running and screaming and pulling hair. I've never been so happy to see Alec and Carissa as I was the night they got back."

  I laugh because I can picture her chasing the twosome around. "Does this mean I'm not going to be an auntie again anytime soon?"

  "Uh-uh. Nope. I may start taking two pills a day. I'm not ready."

  The look in her eyes is so intense we both burst into giggles.

  We sip our coffee, our eyes fixed ahead. "How are you feeling?"

  I close my eyes and lean back on the chair. "I'll be okay. The sleep helped. How are things back home?"

  "Don't worry about home. Everything's as it should be. We have a little press over the car bomb, but it's been taken care of. You and Leo got to the airport pretty quickly, so we were able to convince everyone you had already left for the airport when the bomb went off."

  She says his name so easily but my chest contracts and my eyes fly open.

  I woke up at six from a falling dream. The sound of the explosion in my ears, heaving, and palming around the bed, looking for Leandro. I jumped off the bed and headed for the door a few times. I wanted to see him, touch him, reassure myself he's okay, tell him I’m sorry for being a complete basket-case. I restrained myself by showering, washing my hair, doing TV yoga with the double doors to the balcony open, repeating the million ways why it was the wrong move.

  "Mel?"

  "Sorry."

  She presses her lips together. She's trying not to frown. I know it. I hate that she worries.

  "Stop that. I'm fine. I slept all the way from yesterday ‘til this morning." I don't tell her about the way I woke up or the dreams I have. I need to work this out on my own. "How did Noah let you out of bed so early?"

  Her lips bloom and her pearly whites show. Her eyes practically sparkle. "He's knocked out. Plus, you know what he likes to say. I'd share you with Mel anytime."

  I shake my head and she mirrors. Noah's irreverent and I think we all love that about him. Secretly, of course. He shouldn't be encouraged. I like to tease Gia that her children will be just like him.

  "He's worried…we all are. You're under crazy pressure right now. You didn't look like yourself yesterday. Then, you slept for so long. Carissa kept coming in the room to check up on you."

  Only Carissa? I want to ask who else checked up on me, but I don't. My pride won’t let me.

  "I just got scared, you know? I said some harsh stuff to Leandro. I've been a pain in the ass about having him around. I don't know how to apologize." I exhale. Had I been holding my breath all this time? It feels good to say his name out loud. It purges me of some of the pent-up emotion.

  "You don't have to apologize. I'm sure he understands. You've been under a lot of pressure and so much messed up shit. It's only normal that you have a breaking moment when he's pushing you away." She speaks fast, without pause. She puts her cup down and picks it back up. Her gaze returns to the hill but there's something in the way she's sitting now, stiff, not to mention the high color on her face.

  "Gia, what aren't you telling me?"

  She turns to me, flustered, with her Disney-princess eyes and I know I'm going to hate whatever she says.

  "Mel…"

  "Tell. Me."

  She lets out a long sigh. "Leo went home."

  My stomach drops and I strain to keep a straight face. "Oh." I wrap my mouth around the word, concentrate on the sound. "When?"

  She leans closer. "After we came upstairs."

  My belly twists tight, tighter, into the tightest knot. I jump to my feet and lean against the railing. I breathe in, tell myself it will be okay. I breathe out and remind myself this doesn't mean anything. So what, he couldn't wait to be rid of me? I have more problems than anyone I know. Who wants to be around that twenty-four-seven?

  "Mel." Gia's voice is faint and far.

  I'm not going to dwell. I'm not going to let myself break. Only one break down a week and I'm almost at a one-point-five. I muster a shit-happens smile for my friend.

  She's already left her chair and is standing close. Her arms close around me. Because that's Gia. Dramatic, fairytale princess who knows me well enough to know what I think sometimes.

  "This is not on you. He’s scared and he needs some time and the two of you need a little time apart."

  "It's okay, Gia," I say because I too know what's about to happen.

  She shakes me. "No, it's not fucking okay. You don't need to deal with this right now. What an asshole."

  It cracks me up and I laugh in a way I haven't laughed in days, months, years? It's my turn to hug her. To be loved like this when she knows what a basket case I can be, is…everything. "It doesn't matter. It's better this way. Lea—he and I are not a good idea."

  I can't even say his name. Yep, not affected at all.

  "Men can be such stubborn asses."

  I don't remind her that she's happy. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't want to think about this so I push it down, bury it inside and lock the door to my internal shed.

  "Come on, let's go get Carissa and the kids. We can go for a walk in the garden."

  Twenty minutes later I'm holding Huddy's hand. He's growing so fast. Gia's holding his other hand, Brook's on the other side, and Carissa is holding on to Brook's other hand. We're a walking human chain. The kids are calling out the things they know and see. There are “trees” and “water” and “clouds.” They're funny. Brook is so much like Carissa, and Huddy's already little Alec. He picked a flower for me and I swear he has better dating skills than most men. I tell the girls that and they laugh.

  "How's Lash N' Gloss going?"

  I can't help but smile when she mentions my make-up store. I'm still excited about it, though I’ve had almost zero time for it. With a psycho that wants to kill. It feels like my own little baby. Granted, it's not as cute as the twins but it's mine. "It's going great. The supplies are ready. I can't wait for the opening."

  "I still can't believe you're doing it without us." Gia gives me a pouty face and it reminds me what I need to tell her.

  "I know but I need this, my own little thing, you know? By the way, I need you both to do photos for me."

  Carissa removes a dandelion from Brook's mouth. "Photos?"

  "Yes, I have this idea for my wall posters. Carissa, I want you made up like film noir. Lashes, hair, va-va-voom kind of thing. Gia, I want you all Eighties. Flat hair, bangs, orange-red lipstick."

  Gia's face brightens. "That sounds like fun. What are you going to do?"

  "I don't know yet. I guess I haven't given it much thought." But I have thought about it, a lot.

  Gia points at me. "It has to be vampy, maybe dress in all black, back completely out, with your lips deep red, black eyeliner, matching Louboutins." She pauses as though she could see it. "You'll be like Queen Allora."

  Carissa's face scrunches up and she asks what I'm dying to know. "Who?"

  "She's the heroine in the book I'm reading, Queen of the Island."

  I groan. Carissa smiles into her hand.

  "I'll let you borrow it. You'll love it."

  Great. Carissa is pointing and laughing at me. We all sit on the grass and out of nowhere she pulls out two bottles of bubbles. The kids squeal.

  "Where did those come from?"

  "You know how you keep lip gloss in your pocket?" She doesn't wait for me to nod. "I'm a mom now. This is also not a design on my shirt. They splattered me with their juice boxes."

  No matter how serious she looks, it doesn't bother her at all. The twins are happily blowing on their bubbles and I pop one that comes my way. Brook laughs. I look back to the girls and find them staring at me.

  My stomach drops. I know those looks. They want to talk. Not just talk but talk. Fuckfuckfuckityfuckfuck.

  I shake my head, try to push off the ground but Gia holds me down. It always surprises me how strong she is.

  "You need to talk about it. We're not going to let you do the Mel."

  "The Mel?" Okay, I'm like half a breath from telling them to fuck off now.

  "You know what she means. You hold shit and then explode. The only way that's acceptable is if you're going to Leo's house and kicking his ass." Carissa slaps a hand over her mouth and shoots a look at the kids.

  "I don't want to talk about him. You two don't know what this is like. I can't continue doing this, whatever-this-is, with him. We take turns hurting each other. It's like a bad dance. I'm too tired to dance anymore."

  "But you love him."

  I skin Gia with my gaze. Hers remains firm, unapologetic, lethal.

  "You do."

  I close my eyes and it's unfortunate because I savor her words and the pain that comes along with them. "It doesn't matter. It's a done deal."

  "It's not. You can't let it be. Not when the two of you—"

  I cut Carissa off with my hand. "Please, I'm begging you. I can't do this right now. Let me breathe."

  They look at each other. I shocked them. They know how to deal with a screaming Mel but not when I’m like this. I take advantage, stand up and go play with the kids. I'll stay here for a few more days. Then, I'm going home, to forget and start a new life, alone.

  25

  Peace and quiet is nice, right? Well, I fucking hate that shit. It was nice at first. I came home and went straight to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night disoriented, not recognizing my own place. Then I remembered where I was and why I was here. I fell asleep before anger could set it.

  Woke up early and hit the gym. I still need to make up for the days on Block Island. I set up the virtual monitor and full-on run for thirty minutes past the forest, past the beach landmarks, past the hidden thoughts of Amelia that try to jump at me. I barely swallow the water before I jump on the body-solid weight machine. I push, pull, sit-up, squat, row and repeat until I can't go anymore. All of that together is counterproductive. I'm tiring out my muscles and not building anything but I'm not going for fitness but for brain kill.

  I jump in the shower, water at full strength. I really messed my body up and need the heat and the pressure. I step out quick, dress and head to the living room. I lay on the couch and search for a movie. I wish I was a video game kind of guy. That would keep me occupied.

  I choose an espionage movie and settle in. Nothing ever felt as good as resting my buzzing muscles on the plush couch. Something else feels a lot better than this. I swipe the thought away, banish it to the vault. Soon my eyelids start to droop. This movie will watch me instead of the other way around.

  I blink and she appears before me in her fitted black skirt, white shirt and tear streaked face. I can't hear what she's mouthing but I don't need to. I can't. We can't. She tries to go past me but I grab her, pull her to me, take her face in my hand and kiss her. I keep repeating I need you so much and the next second, she's kissing me. Her hands undoing my buckle. I'm hiking up her skirt, pulling aside her underwear. I stroke her and she has me in her grasp. I rip the crotch of her panties, hoist her up on my hips, bury my cock to the hilt, my face to her neck. Her hands tighten at my back and I know she's still crying. Her tears are sliding down the side of my shirt but she's pulling me closer. My hips slam against hers and I move us to her room, press her back against the mattress.

  Boom goes the bomb and I sit up, my hands reaching for a holster that's not there. My heart thunders in my ears and people in the movie are running everywhere. I wipe my face with my hand.

  "It was only the movie," I say out loud, hoping to calm myself down. Of all the times to dream of that day, why does it have to be now? I lay back down and stare at the ceiling.

  I had wanted to comfort her then. She'd barely spoken to me since Nelly's death. Every time I tried to be there for her, she pushed me away. I thought she blamed me for Nelly. God knows I blamed myself. I suspected what Sebastian was and never said anything for fear of losing it all. I had no proof.

  She didn't blame me, but she blamed us. She said that us took her attention from her responsibilities to her sister. She should've known better and that it was a reminder that Nelly died while having feelings for me.

  I begged, tried, but couldn't convince her. She didn't relent again until the other night. She lay on the bed, her hands above her head and asked me to fuck her. Christ. Just thinking about it turns me into stone. She looked hotter than the flames of hell and she offered herself to me. I have a hard time, really hard time, shoving away thoughts of her skin and her mouth, how the hell am I going to be able to keep my hands off her?

  It's not the sex alone. It's the after-sex too. She's not clingy but she is soft and loving. I wouldn't have minded her clinging to me either. Sometimes, I let myself wonder what it would be like to be with her, in all ways. I had a taste of it. She was fucking amazing on the island. She listened and gave me space when I needed it. She was comforting and called me out when I was being an asshole for the hell of it. She pulled a gun on Emilio because he’d hit me. And she's fire, scorching in bed.

  And then I turned the tables on her. I did to Amelia what I resented her so much for doing to me. I pushed her away, blamed us for Lucy when I spent so long trying to get her to see we were not responsible for Nelly’s death. We really can't get out of our own way. I shake my head.

  The house phone rings and it's Alec, probably pissed-off since I haven't been answering his text messages.

  "You can't fucking text me that you're okay?"

  Yup, blowing the lid. "Hey, man."

  "That's all you have to say?"

  The long sigh slips out. "I figure if there was an emergency you would be blowing up my phone like you do when you break a nail."

  "You're a dick," he laughs. "You good?"

  "Yup, getting some rest and handling some personal stuff."

  Alec scoffs, the sound so derisive makes me want to punch him. "You mean jerking off?"

  "No, asshole. Just taking care of a few things around here."

  "Ah okay, okay. When are you coming back?"

  The saddest part is he knows I'm lying but I'm grateful he doesn't call me out on it.

  "I don't know. Everything there okay?"

  "If you want to ask about Mel. Ask me how she is."

  "Alec…"

  He hmmphs. "She's handling but I think the other two want to slice your balls off."

  I grit my teeth. They would. "That's not surprising."

  "It kind of is. You've always been their golden boy. You rarely do the man kind of wrong." I can hear the amusement in his voice and I hate his guts.

  "Well, it gives Noah and your ugly ass a chance to shine for a few seconds."

 

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