Heart storms, p.11
Heart Storms, page 11
Jade fell into his arms, stunned at first with the unexpected display of affection, and enjoyed every moment knowing it might end as quickly as it started. Here she was on the ‘emotional test drive’ and didn’t even have to ask. Rick’s kiss spoke volumes—of love of many kinds—friendship, appreciation, respect, gratitude. His eyes delved into her gaze, locking hers to his. With a blending of spirits and hearts, the kiss turned to pure passion. Jade felt his desire growing in his body. Hers matched it as he leaned her against a wall, their bodies moving together with lust. His kisses moved to her neck and she heard his quiet moans of wanting her, wanting more. With his head buried into her neck, she kissed his cheek, his neck and wanted to tear his clothes off. “I love this… I love you, Rick,” she whispered between kisses.
He backed away and looked at her, incredulous. “Oh, Jade. I want you so much, my heart’s about to burst. But we have to stop.” He looked around. “I mean, we’re in the supply room for god’s sake.”
“I don’t care. I love you. I’ve wanted this for so long. Now I see you want it, too.”
Rick let her go, wiping beads of perspiration from his forehead. “But we need to slow it down. We’re at work.” He backed away and saw her clothes disheveled, her lipstick smeared. “Look what I’ve done to you. God, I’m so sorry.”
She giggled. “I’m not. I’m ecstatic.” She put her finger to his mouth and wiped the lipstick from it.
Rick jerked his head back. “What are you doing?”
“Calm down. I’m getting my lipstick off your face,” and she giggled again.
“This isn’t funny, Jade. We’re both a mess and we have to go out there to work.”
“Lighten up,” she cooed, smoothing her clothes, then his, stopping below his belt, slowly moving down.
He pulled her hand off him and backed away further. “Jade! Stop!”
“Okay.” She moved her hand up to rub his arm. “But when will we finish what we started here?”
Rick hemmed and hawed, looked to the floor and out the doorway, not coming up with an answer.
Suddenly a booming voice from the hall broke up their steamy rendezvous. “Jade, where are you? I need your help in the kitchen.”
“Oh, no, it’s Gabe,” Rick said tugging the back of his neck. “Great. Now what do we do? We can’t walk out of here together.”
“He’s looking for me. You stay here until I get rid of him. I’ll bring him back to the kitchen.” She walked out of the supply room and around the corner in time to catch Gabe before he walked in on them. She noticed the night manager across the other side of the room, looking sideways at her, grinning. ‘He probably heard some things he shouldn’t have, but so be it. Everyone will know soon enough that Rick and I are a couple.’
Jade grabbed Gabe’s arm and practically dragged him down the hall. Noticing Gabe scanning her from head to toe with a questioning look, she said, “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing,” Gabe said, looking at her smudged lips, “except you look like you just got out of bed with your clothes on—messy and all hot and bothered.” He knocked his elbow into her side as they walked. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you just had sex,” and he guffawed.
“Oh, ha, ha, ha—so funny, huh, Gabe, me having sex?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make fun.”
“You sure say a lot of things you don’t mean.”
Gabe stopped walking and turned to her. “I said I was sorry.” With a stern, cool look, he frowned and said, “Now tell me the truth—what’s going on with you? What happened since I left you a half-hour ago?”
Jade walked again. “Can’t fool you, can I?” A warm smile lit up her face. “Truth is, I took someone out for a test drive. He handled really well and passed with flying colors.”
***
In shock at Jade’s admission, Gabe was speechless. She asked what it was he needed in the kitchen and he wanted to say, ‘you.’ Instead, he wandered around in a daze and fabricated a question about a food delivery. She answered him and left quickly, which meant no further personal questions. He worked as best he could, stunned by her statement, mad at himself for so flippantly suggesting she do the ‘Rick test drive,’ and wondered where, when, how and what did they do? Had Jade been joking or bluffing? No, it wasn’t her style. She’d answered him honestly, causing him to assess his own feelings for her. So far, she’d been a good friend, but she meant more to him with each day. He was also extremely attracted to her but wouldn’t go down the ‘Consuela road’ again, mistaking lust for love.
It was time to figure out whether he wanted to pursue Jade in a relationship beyond friendship or did he want to keep the status quo and let things play out? He didn’t want to do something irrational—a knee-jerk reaction to her actions with Rick. He’d play it cool and observe. He and the devil on his shoulder enjoyed watching two people either fall genuinely in love or spontaneously combust. For Jade’s sake, he wished her well if she wanted Rick. But for his own sake, he wished she didn’t want Rick.
***
After dropping the ‘test drive’ bomb on Gabe, Jade felt terrible about it. But Gabe had told her to do it, so in her opinion he got exactly what he asked for.
Jade tried to find Rick on the way back to her office, but he was nowhere to be found. Little alarm bells went off in her head knowing it was odd for him not to be scurrying around the inn or in his office. But she dismissed her doubts, thinking she’d see him before the end of the day and they’d talk, maybe go to dinner later.
While going through the reservations and cleaning schedules, Jade’s mind kept wandering back to Rick and their sensual encounter. She imagined how things might progress between them. They’d make love soon after a romantic weekend together. They’d fall deeper in love and be partners in business and life. In the long-term future would come marriage, then kids. She could envision all these things with Rick because he was a good man—honest, solid character, hard-working, someone who valued the things in life she did including a family someday. Jade quietly squealed with delight thinking about the beautiful road ahead for them. Finally, her nightmare days with the devil were over.
After her calls to Rick went to voice mail and texts went unanswered, those alarm bells rang loud. Something was wrong. Panic set in, something bad might’ve happened but her inner voice said, ‘No. He’s fine, he’s avoiding you.’ ‘Why?’ she wondered, when they’d come together in such an impassioned way just hours before?
Jade replayed their love scene in her mind looking for clues to his disappearance. When she had told him she loved him, he said nothing of his feelings in return. What had he said? Her mind spun recalling his exact words: he wanted her, his ‘heart was bursting’—all good but next he’d said they ‘had to stop’—not good. Her memory flashed to him looking around and appearing embarrassed, ‘We’re in a supply room for god’s sake.’ She hadn’t cared where they were and professed her love again, saying she knew he wanted it, too.
But instead of professing love, he’d backed away from her, nervous, sweating, telling her they had to slow it down, get back to work, how disheveled she looked and apologizing for ‘what he’d done.’ Recalling his words and actions now, she heard them differently and saw their reality. It had been more a scene of lust than of love. He’d acted first out of a primal desire for her then got scared and backed off. And now he’d been gone all day. The worst part was he never answered her question as to when they would finish what they’d begun, which could only mean one thing—after a day of going AWOL, he probably had no intention of going any further.
***
Rick walked along the beach, looking over the sea and up to the heavens for answers, but nothing came back to him. After his and Jade’s moment of insanity, which is what their tryst was in his mind, he had to get out of the inn. He didn’t intend to be gone most of the day, but his staff would handle the business. He didn’t want to face Jade, not after what he’d started and couldn’t finish, at least not in the near future.
After he’d seen Jade and Gabe together earlier, so affectionate, his emotions got triggered. He admitted deep feelings for her and sure as hell was attracted to her, but attraction wasn’t love. When Jade said she loved him, he felt fear. This has to do with Leah. I’m still dying inside with her loss, so how can I truly love Jade? The two divergent emotional states would not coexist inside him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, so he had to heal his grief over Leah before he’d be able to love Jade.
When he pictured Leah, he felt the love of a lifetime but also the deepest sorrow and loss of his life. When he pictured Jade, he saw a good person, a beautiful woman who was loving, kind, talented, and his partner in running the inn. But he didn’t feel the same depth of love as he did for Leah.
Even though it was ninety degrees, a sudden chill came over him surrounding him with an air of familiarity, like someone trying to talk to him but they were too far away to hear their voice. Could it be Leah? He knew she had believed in such things—she’d told him after she was gone, she’d still be around in spirit and send him messages. He hadn’t believed it, but strange things were happening lately—of the kind he was experiencing now—the breeze out of nowhere, the chill through his body, thoughts coming into his head from out of the blue. Maybe it is Leah. The recognition comforted and frightened him at the same time. Another idea came into his head answering his question of why he didn’t feel for Jade as he had for Leah: ‘Because you haven’t healed enough to love again.’ Rick turned back to walk toward the inn knowing the message was true. He hadn’t healed his grief. But with not allowing myself to feel the depth of my sadness and loss, how can I begin to heal it? I don’t know if it’s even possible. Just the thought of Leah brought him to tears. I’m not capable of feeling much of anything. Except lust and desire for Jade. The morning’s tryst came back to mind. I’m a terrible person for what I did. I was selfish and she deserves better.
Chapter 14
When Rick returned late afternoon, he found Jade’s pleading texts and voice mails. His heart crushed in his chest knowing he’d upset her, hurt her and would most likely do more of it with next talking frankly about what happened and why.
He called Jade into his office after the night manager arrived so they wouldn’t be distracted by work demands. When she opened his office door, she walked right up to him and even though he stayed seated, she kissed him with love and tenderness. Rick responded but this time with no urgent desire, just a friendly, compliant kiss.
Jade knew something was wrong. She’d been hoping for a repeat of the morning’s encounter. But with a whole day to digest his feelings, Rick seemed to have cooled down to cold. She sat on his desk next to and facing him, rubbing his arm in a soothing way. “Are you okay? I worried with you gone all day.”
“Let’s sit in the chairs over there by the window.”
She sat and took his hand. “I’m getting a terrible feeling here. What’s wrong?”
Rick’s face reflected her suspicions with a downcast gaze and flat mouth showing no emotion at all. He picked her hand up and held it in both of his. “Everything’s wrong, Jade.” His eyes grew red and teary while looking up to the ceiling as if asking for divine help. He held Jade’s hand over his heart and choked back a sob. “God, oh, God, I’m a mess and so confused. I can’t hurt you, I can’t. I do care about you. God help me.”
“If you don’t want to hurt me, don’t.”
A teardrop slipped from the corner of his eye. “This is breaking me apart. I won’t say what I did this morning was wrong, or not me, because at the time I did it I meant every action and word.”
“I knew you did. So, what’s up now?”
“Let me explain what prompted me. I saw you and Gabe come out of your office all chummy, laughing and affectionate when twenty minutes before you almost took our heads off. Watching him affect you like that, and you obviously enjoying him, triggered something deep in me, something powerful and I didn’t want to lose you to him. I was almost crazy with emotion when I saw you and I let it all out—emotions I’d been repressing for a long time.”
She moved closer and looped her arm around his. “What’s the problem then?”
“After we got so physically close, when you said you loved me, it broke the spell. I knew you had the deep, connected love for someone you want to be with long-term.” He put his head down and one hand over his closed eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I have to be honest. I didn’t feel the same way for you—not as deep as you feel. I have severe issues of loss and still love someone else.” He watched her eyes and saw her pain—he’d wounded her and couldn’t take much more of this soul-baring. “My heart can’t hold both deep grief and love at the same time, and I don’t know how to fix it. I hate myself for acting so impulsively and selfishly without thinking about your feelings and expectations.”
Jade pulled her hand out from his and leaned back in her chair. “What happened between us this morning was you wanting me because you didn’t want Gabe to have me? As if that’s not bad enough, you love somebody else, and you never told me?” She stood up and over him like a god pronouncing judgment on his sins. “What’s with you men? Are your egos so huge you can’t stand someone tasting your candy even though you don’t want it? How could you act the way you did with me this morning and not mean it?”
Rick stood and faced her, throwing his hands to the sides, his face red, looking about to bust wide open. “But I did mean it. Don’t you get it? I didn’t know why I was feeling what I was feeling, and I didn’t think ahead to what my actions might do to you. I was in an insane state of mind.”
Jade laughed. And laughed and laughed until her stomach ached. She laughed more until tears flooded her eyes. She stared into his eyes, beneath their cool, green surface into his heart if she could, so she’d hurt him there. “What a joke. You had to be in an insane state of mind to profess affection and sexual desire to me? And all because you’re jealous of Gabe, because if you don’t claim me, no one should? Where am I? On the Animal Planet?” She laughed again and walked to the windows, looking over the ocean with her back to him. “I have to laugh, or I’ll die from this. How have I been so wrong about you, about you being a genuine, good person who was level-headed and who cared for me in a loving, honest way?”
Rick stood at her back. “You weren’t wrong. Deep down I’m all those things and I do care about you a lot. It’s not enough to match your level of caring, though. I’m being honest because I don’t want to lead you on.” He took her arm and turned her to face him. “Most men would lead you on, take you to bed, get your heart thinking they’ll meet you at the level you love someday. Or they don’t really know a deep, connected love for a lifetime, so they’d deceive you along with themselves.” He looked to the ceiling again, searching for the right words, then back at her. “I’m not that guy. I’ve experienced the love of a lifetime and I won’t give or promise it until I feel it.”
Jade’s stance and demeanor softened, her arms limp at her sides, her face expressionless. “I appreciate your honesty and unfortunately I get what you’re saying, but I don’t like it and I don’t know what will happen next. Where do we go from here?”
Rick led her to sit down, not having the strength to stand. “Can you understand I can’t love someone new until I process and get rid of all the baggage inside me; to get rid of the bad to make room for the good? I really want to give us a chance, but I can’t until I heal those things.”
“And we’re right back where we started. You won’t divulge your secrets, especially this ‘loving someone else’ thing. Who is she? Where is she?”
Jade hit a nerve—the biggest nerve—Leah, and his voice turned angry. “I told you, I can’t handle talking about any of it, especially after this meltdown. I’ll go off the deep end and I can’t afford to with all my responsibilities.”
Jade got up to leave. “So, there we are. Nowhere. The inn is top priority for you. You can’t deal with your issues and I can’t turn off my feelings as easy as turning off a TV. I have no choice but to live with this.” She tugged at his arm. “I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for you. I love you as a dear friend. But once again, our relationship can’t go beyond friendship.” She waved as she walked to the door. “Talk to someone. I’m here when you’re ready,” and she closed the door behind her.
Rick shook his head. His beautiful Jade—he could count on her to tell it like it is, but she also showed the whole hand of her heart. She was an extraordinary woman in his eyes. Maybe he’d finally talk to someone because he really wanted a good, full life… someday.
Chapter 15
Rick and Gabe gave wide berths around each other unless necessary. Their brief exchanges were all business with Rick’s tone a frosty one, and Gabe’s compliant. Jade was business as usual with no personal exchanges more than ‘Good morning, how you doing?’ Hence, the three of them made no moves to be buddy-buddy or chat or hang out after work.
Interactions were business-driven but underneath them the pot stirred, hot on the fire and coming to a boil. Jade wondered who was about to blow, hoping it wasn’t her—she’d had enough of losing it for the year. But whenever she was around Rick, which was every day, she perceived him wanting to approach her with something personal then backing away, as usual. She would love for him to come to her and say he was resolving his issues, he wanted to talk about them; to invite her to do anything outside of work, but he didn’t. Jade had asked him to do some social things, hoping a ‘yes’ meant he was making progress, but he always had an excuse. He and his behavior were getting old and tired for her.
***
Gabe was dying to hear what had happened between Jade and Rick but was too afraid to ask—afraid he’d push another hot button in her and have another blow-up to deal with. Even he had had enough of those, especially with Rick. More than anything else, he needed to keep his job and be the model employee. For at least through the end of the busy season, through September, he’d keep a low profile and his nose in his own business.
He backed away and looked at her, incredulous. “Oh, Jade. I want you so much, my heart’s about to burst. But we have to stop.” He looked around. “I mean, we’re in the supply room for god’s sake.”
“I don’t care. I love you. I’ve wanted this for so long. Now I see you want it, too.”
Rick let her go, wiping beads of perspiration from his forehead. “But we need to slow it down. We’re at work.” He backed away and saw her clothes disheveled, her lipstick smeared. “Look what I’ve done to you. God, I’m so sorry.”
She giggled. “I’m not. I’m ecstatic.” She put her finger to his mouth and wiped the lipstick from it.
Rick jerked his head back. “What are you doing?”
“Calm down. I’m getting my lipstick off your face,” and she giggled again.
“This isn’t funny, Jade. We’re both a mess and we have to go out there to work.”
“Lighten up,” she cooed, smoothing her clothes, then his, stopping below his belt, slowly moving down.
He pulled her hand off him and backed away further. “Jade! Stop!”
“Okay.” She moved her hand up to rub his arm. “But when will we finish what we started here?”
Rick hemmed and hawed, looked to the floor and out the doorway, not coming up with an answer.
Suddenly a booming voice from the hall broke up their steamy rendezvous. “Jade, where are you? I need your help in the kitchen.”
“Oh, no, it’s Gabe,” Rick said tugging the back of his neck. “Great. Now what do we do? We can’t walk out of here together.”
“He’s looking for me. You stay here until I get rid of him. I’ll bring him back to the kitchen.” She walked out of the supply room and around the corner in time to catch Gabe before he walked in on them. She noticed the night manager across the other side of the room, looking sideways at her, grinning. ‘He probably heard some things he shouldn’t have, but so be it. Everyone will know soon enough that Rick and I are a couple.’
Jade grabbed Gabe’s arm and practically dragged him down the hall. Noticing Gabe scanning her from head to toe with a questioning look, she said, “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing,” Gabe said, looking at her smudged lips, “except you look like you just got out of bed with your clothes on—messy and all hot and bothered.” He knocked his elbow into her side as they walked. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you just had sex,” and he guffawed.
“Oh, ha, ha, ha—so funny, huh, Gabe, me having sex?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make fun.”
“You sure say a lot of things you don’t mean.”
Gabe stopped walking and turned to her. “I said I was sorry.” With a stern, cool look, he frowned and said, “Now tell me the truth—what’s going on with you? What happened since I left you a half-hour ago?”
Jade walked again. “Can’t fool you, can I?” A warm smile lit up her face. “Truth is, I took someone out for a test drive. He handled really well and passed with flying colors.”
***
In shock at Jade’s admission, Gabe was speechless. She asked what it was he needed in the kitchen and he wanted to say, ‘you.’ Instead, he wandered around in a daze and fabricated a question about a food delivery. She answered him and left quickly, which meant no further personal questions. He worked as best he could, stunned by her statement, mad at himself for so flippantly suggesting she do the ‘Rick test drive,’ and wondered where, when, how and what did they do? Had Jade been joking or bluffing? No, it wasn’t her style. She’d answered him honestly, causing him to assess his own feelings for her. So far, she’d been a good friend, but she meant more to him with each day. He was also extremely attracted to her but wouldn’t go down the ‘Consuela road’ again, mistaking lust for love.
It was time to figure out whether he wanted to pursue Jade in a relationship beyond friendship or did he want to keep the status quo and let things play out? He didn’t want to do something irrational—a knee-jerk reaction to her actions with Rick. He’d play it cool and observe. He and the devil on his shoulder enjoyed watching two people either fall genuinely in love or spontaneously combust. For Jade’s sake, he wished her well if she wanted Rick. But for his own sake, he wished she didn’t want Rick.
***
After dropping the ‘test drive’ bomb on Gabe, Jade felt terrible about it. But Gabe had told her to do it, so in her opinion he got exactly what he asked for.
Jade tried to find Rick on the way back to her office, but he was nowhere to be found. Little alarm bells went off in her head knowing it was odd for him not to be scurrying around the inn or in his office. But she dismissed her doubts, thinking she’d see him before the end of the day and they’d talk, maybe go to dinner later.
While going through the reservations and cleaning schedules, Jade’s mind kept wandering back to Rick and their sensual encounter. She imagined how things might progress between them. They’d make love soon after a romantic weekend together. They’d fall deeper in love and be partners in business and life. In the long-term future would come marriage, then kids. She could envision all these things with Rick because he was a good man—honest, solid character, hard-working, someone who valued the things in life she did including a family someday. Jade quietly squealed with delight thinking about the beautiful road ahead for them. Finally, her nightmare days with the devil were over.
After her calls to Rick went to voice mail and texts went unanswered, those alarm bells rang loud. Something was wrong. Panic set in, something bad might’ve happened but her inner voice said, ‘No. He’s fine, he’s avoiding you.’ ‘Why?’ she wondered, when they’d come together in such an impassioned way just hours before?
Jade replayed their love scene in her mind looking for clues to his disappearance. When she had told him she loved him, he said nothing of his feelings in return. What had he said? Her mind spun recalling his exact words: he wanted her, his ‘heart was bursting’—all good but next he’d said they ‘had to stop’—not good. Her memory flashed to him looking around and appearing embarrassed, ‘We’re in a supply room for god’s sake.’ She hadn’t cared where they were and professed her love again, saying she knew he wanted it, too.
But instead of professing love, he’d backed away from her, nervous, sweating, telling her they had to slow it down, get back to work, how disheveled she looked and apologizing for ‘what he’d done.’ Recalling his words and actions now, she heard them differently and saw their reality. It had been more a scene of lust than of love. He’d acted first out of a primal desire for her then got scared and backed off. And now he’d been gone all day. The worst part was he never answered her question as to when they would finish what they’d begun, which could only mean one thing—after a day of going AWOL, he probably had no intention of going any further.
***
Rick walked along the beach, looking over the sea and up to the heavens for answers, but nothing came back to him. After his and Jade’s moment of insanity, which is what their tryst was in his mind, he had to get out of the inn. He didn’t intend to be gone most of the day, but his staff would handle the business. He didn’t want to face Jade, not after what he’d started and couldn’t finish, at least not in the near future.
After he’d seen Jade and Gabe together earlier, so affectionate, his emotions got triggered. He admitted deep feelings for her and sure as hell was attracted to her, but attraction wasn’t love. When Jade said she loved him, he felt fear. This has to do with Leah. I’m still dying inside with her loss, so how can I truly love Jade? The two divergent emotional states would not coexist inside him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, so he had to heal his grief over Leah before he’d be able to love Jade.
When he pictured Leah, he felt the love of a lifetime but also the deepest sorrow and loss of his life. When he pictured Jade, he saw a good person, a beautiful woman who was loving, kind, talented, and his partner in running the inn. But he didn’t feel the same depth of love as he did for Leah.
Even though it was ninety degrees, a sudden chill came over him surrounding him with an air of familiarity, like someone trying to talk to him but they were too far away to hear their voice. Could it be Leah? He knew she had believed in such things—she’d told him after she was gone, she’d still be around in spirit and send him messages. He hadn’t believed it, but strange things were happening lately—of the kind he was experiencing now—the breeze out of nowhere, the chill through his body, thoughts coming into his head from out of the blue. Maybe it is Leah. The recognition comforted and frightened him at the same time. Another idea came into his head answering his question of why he didn’t feel for Jade as he had for Leah: ‘Because you haven’t healed enough to love again.’ Rick turned back to walk toward the inn knowing the message was true. He hadn’t healed his grief. But with not allowing myself to feel the depth of my sadness and loss, how can I begin to heal it? I don’t know if it’s even possible. Just the thought of Leah brought him to tears. I’m not capable of feeling much of anything. Except lust and desire for Jade. The morning’s tryst came back to mind. I’m a terrible person for what I did. I was selfish and she deserves better.
Chapter 14
When Rick returned late afternoon, he found Jade’s pleading texts and voice mails. His heart crushed in his chest knowing he’d upset her, hurt her and would most likely do more of it with next talking frankly about what happened and why.
He called Jade into his office after the night manager arrived so they wouldn’t be distracted by work demands. When she opened his office door, she walked right up to him and even though he stayed seated, she kissed him with love and tenderness. Rick responded but this time with no urgent desire, just a friendly, compliant kiss.
Jade knew something was wrong. She’d been hoping for a repeat of the morning’s encounter. But with a whole day to digest his feelings, Rick seemed to have cooled down to cold. She sat on his desk next to and facing him, rubbing his arm in a soothing way. “Are you okay? I worried with you gone all day.”
“Let’s sit in the chairs over there by the window.”
She sat and took his hand. “I’m getting a terrible feeling here. What’s wrong?”
Rick’s face reflected her suspicions with a downcast gaze and flat mouth showing no emotion at all. He picked her hand up and held it in both of his. “Everything’s wrong, Jade.” His eyes grew red and teary while looking up to the ceiling as if asking for divine help. He held Jade’s hand over his heart and choked back a sob. “God, oh, God, I’m a mess and so confused. I can’t hurt you, I can’t. I do care about you. God help me.”
“If you don’t want to hurt me, don’t.”
A teardrop slipped from the corner of his eye. “This is breaking me apart. I won’t say what I did this morning was wrong, or not me, because at the time I did it I meant every action and word.”
“I knew you did. So, what’s up now?”
“Let me explain what prompted me. I saw you and Gabe come out of your office all chummy, laughing and affectionate when twenty minutes before you almost took our heads off. Watching him affect you like that, and you obviously enjoying him, triggered something deep in me, something powerful and I didn’t want to lose you to him. I was almost crazy with emotion when I saw you and I let it all out—emotions I’d been repressing for a long time.”
She moved closer and looped her arm around his. “What’s the problem then?”
“After we got so physically close, when you said you loved me, it broke the spell. I knew you had the deep, connected love for someone you want to be with long-term.” He put his head down and one hand over his closed eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I have to be honest. I didn’t feel the same way for you—not as deep as you feel. I have severe issues of loss and still love someone else.” He watched her eyes and saw her pain—he’d wounded her and couldn’t take much more of this soul-baring. “My heart can’t hold both deep grief and love at the same time, and I don’t know how to fix it. I hate myself for acting so impulsively and selfishly without thinking about your feelings and expectations.”
Jade pulled her hand out from his and leaned back in her chair. “What happened between us this morning was you wanting me because you didn’t want Gabe to have me? As if that’s not bad enough, you love somebody else, and you never told me?” She stood up and over him like a god pronouncing judgment on his sins. “What’s with you men? Are your egos so huge you can’t stand someone tasting your candy even though you don’t want it? How could you act the way you did with me this morning and not mean it?”
Rick stood and faced her, throwing his hands to the sides, his face red, looking about to bust wide open. “But I did mean it. Don’t you get it? I didn’t know why I was feeling what I was feeling, and I didn’t think ahead to what my actions might do to you. I was in an insane state of mind.”
Jade laughed. And laughed and laughed until her stomach ached. She laughed more until tears flooded her eyes. She stared into his eyes, beneath their cool, green surface into his heart if she could, so she’d hurt him there. “What a joke. You had to be in an insane state of mind to profess affection and sexual desire to me? And all because you’re jealous of Gabe, because if you don’t claim me, no one should? Where am I? On the Animal Planet?” She laughed again and walked to the windows, looking over the ocean with her back to him. “I have to laugh, or I’ll die from this. How have I been so wrong about you, about you being a genuine, good person who was level-headed and who cared for me in a loving, honest way?”
Rick stood at her back. “You weren’t wrong. Deep down I’m all those things and I do care about you a lot. It’s not enough to match your level of caring, though. I’m being honest because I don’t want to lead you on.” He took her arm and turned her to face him. “Most men would lead you on, take you to bed, get your heart thinking they’ll meet you at the level you love someday. Or they don’t really know a deep, connected love for a lifetime, so they’d deceive you along with themselves.” He looked to the ceiling again, searching for the right words, then back at her. “I’m not that guy. I’ve experienced the love of a lifetime and I won’t give or promise it until I feel it.”
Jade’s stance and demeanor softened, her arms limp at her sides, her face expressionless. “I appreciate your honesty and unfortunately I get what you’re saying, but I don’t like it and I don’t know what will happen next. Where do we go from here?”
Rick led her to sit down, not having the strength to stand. “Can you understand I can’t love someone new until I process and get rid of all the baggage inside me; to get rid of the bad to make room for the good? I really want to give us a chance, but I can’t until I heal those things.”
“And we’re right back where we started. You won’t divulge your secrets, especially this ‘loving someone else’ thing. Who is she? Where is she?”
Jade hit a nerve—the biggest nerve—Leah, and his voice turned angry. “I told you, I can’t handle talking about any of it, especially after this meltdown. I’ll go off the deep end and I can’t afford to with all my responsibilities.”
Jade got up to leave. “So, there we are. Nowhere. The inn is top priority for you. You can’t deal with your issues and I can’t turn off my feelings as easy as turning off a TV. I have no choice but to live with this.” She tugged at his arm. “I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for you. I love you as a dear friend. But once again, our relationship can’t go beyond friendship.” She waved as she walked to the door. “Talk to someone. I’m here when you’re ready,” and she closed the door behind her.
Rick shook his head. His beautiful Jade—he could count on her to tell it like it is, but she also showed the whole hand of her heart. She was an extraordinary woman in his eyes. Maybe he’d finally talk to someone because he really wanted a good, full life… someday.
Chapter 15
Rick and Gabe gave wide berths around each other unless necessary. Their brief exchanges were all business with Rick’s tone a frosty one, and Gabe’s compliant. Jade was business as usual with no personal exchanges more than ‘Good morning, how you doing?’ Hence, the three of them made no moves to be buddy-buddy or chat or hang out after work.
Interactions were business-driven but underneath them the pot stirred, hot on the fire and coming to a boil. Jade wondered who was about to blow, hoping it wasn’t her—she’d had enough of losing it for the year. But whenever she was around Rick, which was every day, she perceived him wanting to approach her with something personal then backing away, as usual. She would love for him to come to her and say he was resolving his issues, he wanted to talk about them; to invite her to do anything outside of work, but he didn’t. Jade had asked him to do some social things, hoping a ‘yes’ meant he was making progress, but he always had an excuse. He and his behavior were getting old and tired for her.
***
Gabe was dying to hear what had happened between Jade and Rick but was too afraid to ask—afraid he’d push another hot button in her and have another blow-up to deal with. Even he had had enough of those, especially with Rick. More than anything else, he needed to keep his job and be the model employee. For at least through the end of the busy season, through September, he’d keep a low profile and his nose in his own business.
