Heart storms, p.28
Heart Storms, page 28
With a few months more, they were going out together socially and regularly. The deeper her emotions for Rick, the more alive her heart became and the fewer thoughts of Gabe. She and Rick did all the things she had wanted to do with him before she’d gotten involved with Gabe: simple things like walks on the beach, movies, museums, the symphony, trying out new restaurants, and touring the Grand Strand with all its varied and wonderful attractions. They talked and laughed, drank and ate, danced and listened to music. They’d watch sunsets and talk of meaningful things in life other than work.
Jade had one rule, though—she’d go nowhere with him she’d been with Gabe. Rick assumed it was because the old pain would resurface. He told Jade if she was still mired in the pain of the past, she wasn’t over Gabe. And she’d replied, “Of course, I’m not over him. I don’t know if I ever will be. I hope with time I’ll heal and move beyond him. But I can’t guarantee anything. If you can’t accept it, we need to stop having a relationship beyond purely professional.”
Rick tried to understand but any reminder or thought of Gabe rankled him. I guess I have no choice. Jade’s statement about not completely getting over Gabe made him realize how in a part of his heart he still loved Leah, even though it was lessening with time and feelings for Jade. He told her, “I understand—the deeper the love, the deeper the loss, and the longer time needed to heal. For me, too.”
They agreed to let the past rest in peace and move forward being open to whatever life brought them. Occasionally, some situation or words reminded her of Gabe, and Jade’s heart wrenched. But the same way an alcoholic might turn to drink to numb out, she’d turn to Rick and he’d be right there, doing and saying whatever she needed.
***
Jade had talked regularly and at length to both Amy and her mother through the year after Gabe. Both were delighted things were working out with Rick, although Maggie had reservations. She urged Jade to take it slow, saying it might take a couple years to get completely over Gabriel. And she reminded her Gabriel was still alive while Leah was gone, which meant Rick had no possibility of a future with Leah, but Jade’s situation was different. Maggie reiterated the huge cost to Gabe’s life to give her up for his daughter, and it might be temporary. But Jade had been so broken up, she hadn’t seen past her own pain to think anything positive about Gabe or his motivation.
With hearing what she perceived as her mother’s support of Gabe, Jade got up from the kitchen barstool so angry, she knocked it to the floor. “Gabe is an emotional train wreck. He needs a lot of therapy and counseling to become a functional person, to be a good father, let alone a husband—if and when he ever gets out of southern California. He’s selfish with his needs and never considered mine.”
Maggie knew better than to argue. She advised Jade not to jump into anything with Rick, to let herself heal before she moved beyond friendship. What Maggie didn’t share was whenever Jade spoke of the two men, she saw a triangle in her mind with Jade at the top and the two men at the bottom opposite corners. The image was so real and strong, she meditated on it and even dreamt of it knowing there was an underlying message. She’d see a visible triangle made of rays of light connecting the three people. But the light was jagged and piercing, hot electric-blue like lightning bolts. It surged between them, threatening to explode. In the middle of the triangle, gray clouds collided causing bursts of thunder. A heart appeared briefly before the storm swallowed it—a storm of the heart.
When Maggie came out of the meditation or the dream, she knew this situation with Jade wasn’t over. She feared Gabriel might come back and stir emotions up again. She prayed Jade’s heart would survive the storm. Her intuition told her this was a triangle of love and soul connection, but with one person too many and the only way to break it would be for one to bow out, to withdraw their energy. One of them needed to fall out of love before the three of them could move on with their lives. Gabriel had let Jade go out of his life, but Maggie believed he’d never stopped loving Jade.
Maggie’s assessment of Rick’s love for Jade was that it was genuine but different from Gabe’s. She envisioned Rick’s more as a healing salve of unconditional love. Whereas Gabe’s love had been like a nuclear reaction exploding with heat and power, creating a new heart of passion and life. And Jade—well, she was the wild card. She was falling in love with Rick before she stopped loving Gabe, and she might never stop loving him. Maggie couldn’t guess which love Jade wanted most because both were potent, and she gravitated toward elements of both. Will Jade ever figure it out? Will she back away from the two men and break the triangle long enough to find out who she really is, to know what she wants most, and decide who she truly loves?
Chapter 33
With business slow in October, Rick and Jade took a weekend off together and drove to Pawley’s Island where he wined and dined her. Amy and Ben came up from Charleston to meet them for a day.
Amy liked Rick. He proved to be rock-solid in terms of integrity, intelligence, business acumen, and financial stability. He and Jade loved working together, but Amy didn’t see the same spark she’d seen between Jade and Gabriel. Sparks weren’t necessary, however, for a solid, loving, long-term relationship. Sparks probably weren’t even preferable given Jade’s experience with Gabe. Amy told her the truth—Rick was wonderful, a great guy who obviously adored her.
Jade, pleased her best friend saw in Rick what she did, took it as a positive sign to move the relationship forward.
During the weekend Rick kissed her constantly in a sexual, ‘I want you’ way. At first, Jade reacted awkwardly but eased into it, allowing her love for Rick to guide her. While making love the first time, when he entered her a memory of Gabe flashed through Jade’s mind, the memory of how he’d been with her the first time; of how they’d felt and moved together. With Rick there was passion but not off-the-charts. She felt immense attraction to Rick’s handsome face and body, his gentle, affectionate way of taking his time to give her great pleasure. He pleased Jade physically in every way, and with showing all the love in his heart she couldn’t help but be excited by him.
Jade desired him and loved him, and so let her body move with her emotions. At the height of their passion, he moaned with intense joy and pledged his eternal love, saying he’d die for her. Jade didn’t return such strong sentiments. Rick hadn’t made a new world from the two of them as Gabe had; he hadn’t taken her beyond time and space. But she felt more alive, passionate and loving than she had since Gabe ended them. And unlike when Devlin had ended the marriage and left her with nothing, now she was not at the end after Gabe but at a new beginning full of promise and happiness. And with another lovemaking session that night and the next day, Rick made her feel so wanted and beautiful that her body responded to him with equal desire. They made a good match, a good couple, good lovers. Life and love were becoming as good as Jade could hope for.
While having dinner in a charming oceanfront restaurant at the end of the weekend, Rick ordered a bottle of expensive champagne. “What’s the occasion?” she asked.
He poured the champagne. “Us. We’re the occasion.”
They tipped their glasses together, the tiny tinkling noise sounding to Jade more like a bell tolling as he took out a small velvet box.
When he opened the lid, Jade half-expected to see a necklace with a lone diamond on it. But it was a ring: a grand, sparkling antique with a large round diamond in the middle and many on either side. She gasped. “I’ve never seen such a stunning ring. I can’t believe this.” She looked back up at him. “Does this mean what I think it does?”
All he did was smile and nod once.
Marriage. Jade’s mind flooded with Gabriel. In the last year and a half, she’d built a wall around her heart, brick by brick to keep him out. It had been a torturous process; the bricks held together with a mortar of tears, anger, regret and heartache. Gabe had become a dream she’d once had—made of vapor and mist—nothing real or solid about him in her life. She even wondered if they exaggerated their love in their minds, something too-good-to-be-true as Gabe had always said. Gabe had cast her out of his life and now Rick was about to invite her into his, permanently.
Rick saw in Jade’s eyes she was moving back in time, probably recalling when Gabe proposed. He gave her time to work it out, hoping she’d say goodbye to Gabriel so she would say ‘yes’ to him.
Jade loved Rick, and saying ‘yes,’ would be with a few second thoughts, with faded memories and lingering feelings for Gabe. Now, she didn’t feel ecstasy like when Gabe gave her the necklace and spoke of marriage. Rather, with Rick, she foresaw a strong union, one with substance versus unrealistic dreams. With Rick she’d have a solid foundation versus with Gabe, she’d live on shifting sands in otherworldly states of mostly passion. Rick was consistent, honest, protective, intelligent, handsome, a good lover, and he’d love her forever.
Watching Jade’s eyes fill with a warm, vulnerable look of love, Rick took the ring out of the box. He got down on one knee. People sitting around them cheered. “You’re the only woman I love and want to share my life with, Jade. Will you become Mrs. Richard Stirling? Will you marry me?”
Jade deliberated for a minute, weighing options. With Rick looking about to pass out, she said, “No,” and with a crooked smile added, “But yes. That’s a no and a yes.”
“Jade, you’re killing me, which is it?”
“No, I will not become Jade Stirling.” She giggled. “I’m Jade Armstrong and want to keep my name for business.” She kissed his cheek. “But, yes, I will marry you.”
Rick stood and picked her up out of the chair in a bear hug. Loud cheering rang out in the restaurant. He put her down and slid the ring on her finger. It fit perfectly. It was perfect. In that moment, Rick was perfect, and he always would be.
Chapter 34
A year and a half after Gabe had gone out to California, things were finally happening to allow him to make firm decisions about his next step in life with Gracie.
Consuela had been out of jail for eight months. She was doing the Twelve-Step program, gotten into a half-way house and had a minimum wage job as a cashier on the graveyard shift at a convenience store. She slept most of the day but saw Gracie twice a week. It killed Gabe to leave her with Consuela but at least his daughter was safe at Delora’s house where they’d meet for supervised visits. When he picked Gracie up, she was often upset saying her mommy yelled at her, wouldn’t take her to the park, and she was sad. Apparently being off drugs and drinking made Consuela irritable and she snapped at everyone.
Gabe observed Consuela was on the edge of losing it again with not being able to pay her fines, with no way to numb out and escape life. Delora felt the same and reported regularly to Gabe. There were times, she said, Consuela was supposed to be at work, but the manager would call and say she hadn’t gotten there. Delora and Gabe both suspected what Consuela was doing.
One day when Consuela told Delora not to visit her because she was leaving a couple hours early for work, Gabe waited outside the house until Consuela left, then a few minutes later followed her in his truck. She took the bus as usual and got off in a bad section of town. He parked and followed her to an alley where he watched from around the corner. She went into a door, then came out a half-hour later, struggling to walk straight. When she got to the end of the alley, Gabe grabbed her. Her eyes were glassy and unfocused. He yelled, “Tell me the truth. You were doing drugs in there, weren’t you?”
Shaken and out of it, she first denied it but as he shook her, she twisted out from his grip, fell and said, “Yeah, I was. Okay? Satisfied?”
Gabe yanked her by the arm and put her in his truck. “I’m taking you to work. You better sober up.” He gave her a cup of coffee and a muffin he had in the truck. “Drink this down. Eat this. There are hand cleaning wipes in the glove compartment. Clean yourself good because if you go to work like you are, they’ll fire you. Your daughter wanted to see you this morning for an hour, and here you are getting high. Don’t you care about her, about seeing her and being a good mother?”
Consuela cried through slurred words. “I care, but I can’t do it. I can’t be anybody’s mother. Look at me.”
“I see you, all right. A junkie again after eight months of being clean and sober, and with help from all your family. Aren’t you ashamed? Don’t you want a better life?”
She wiped her face clean while looking out the window away from his fiery glare. “When I’m high, there’s no shame or bad feelings. My life is about being high. I’ve tried, but nothing works.” She turned to look at Gabe, still crying. “I’m sorry for what I did to you. I’m sorry I cheated. I was a stupid kid. I’ve been running from my life ever since.”
“But you’ve had help, therapy, counseling. Why, Consuela, WHY would you go back to drugs after being clean so long?”
Staring straight ahead, a bewildered, emotionless shell of herself, she said, “Because I don’t know any other life. I’ve tried, nothing works, not even my own child. The last thing I want is for her to see me like this, to see me slowly dying and think it’s her fault. I love her but I can’t take care of her. I can’t do anything anymore. You take her, Gabe, I’ll sign anything you want. I don’t make enough money to pay fines let alone get a decent place to live someday. I’ll never be able to give her what she needs even with your child support.
“I love her enough to give her away, so she’ll have a good life, a life much better than mine.” Consuela drank the coffee and took a couple bites of the muffin. “Thank you for the coffee, and mostly for all you do for Gracie. I see how much you love her and what good care you take of her. She’s happier than ever, she’s thriving. Take her Gabe and give her a good life.”
“And what about you? Don’t you want visitation?”
Consuela took a cigarette out of her purse and lit it. “You think I don’t know I scare her sometimes. Sometimes she doesn’t recognize me, I’m so haggard and short-tempered.” She blew the smoke out in a long sigh.
“Don’t smoke. It’ll kill you.”
Consuela cackled hysterically. “Kill me? Are you serious? I’ll be dead in a year anyway. I might as well enjoy a cigarette.”
Gabe grabbed the pack out of her hands. “Why do you say such crap?”
She screamed at him. “Because it’s the goddamn truth. Everybody knows it. If I die, maybe I’ll come back into a better life next time. Maybe I can make it up to Gracie and you.” She touched Gabe’s arm. “I’ll tell you this, if I get a man as good as you in another life, I’ll keep him. I’ll never hurt anybody again like I did you. I promise.”
Gabe shook his head, disgusted. He almost cried because it was so sad, she was sad. He held back tears for this once beautiful, vibrant girl, for a wasted life and how her death would affect his daughter. His gut churned with overwhelming anguish.
Consuela opened the window and took a deep breath. “I’ve also borrowed money again for the drugs. I’ve either got to put out or pay up, or they’ll kill me. I gotta come up with the money somehow.”
Losing his grip on sanity, Gabe bellowed at her. “Stop! Stop talking about these awful things! I can’t believe you’ve fucked up your life so bad again! I’m going to get our daughter out of here as fast as I can. You’ll never see her again. I don’t want her screwed up by knowing the disgusting life her mother chooses, over her own daughter. She’s young enough that if I take her far away now, she won’t remember.”
“See, it’s better if I die. You can tell her the truth. Mommy’s dead. Forget her.”
Gabe pulled the truck violently off the road. The tires screeched and dust billowed up like storm clouds. He walked around to Consuela’s side and pulled her out. He held her by the shoulders against the truck and spoke in a normal tone of voice, serious and calm. “Listen carefully. Look at me, focus. Listen and remember what I’m saying because the rest of your life depends on it.”
Shaken up, and sobered up some, Consuela said, “Okay. Okay.”
He took his hands off her shoulders and softened his stance. “I married you a long time ago. We had a child. I love her more than anything or anyone on this earth. I want the best for her which includes her having a functioning mother.” Gabe gazed into the distance, searching his memory for the right thing to do, something he knew was in him somewhere. He remembered the best person in his life—Jade, and what she’d done for Devlin, helping him get back on his feet with advice and even money. He’d been so proud of her, moving from revenge to compassion, helping turn someone’s life around. Gabe realized he must do the same thing for Consuela to go on with his own life with no guilt. When Gracie grew up and had questions about whether he helped her mother, he wanted to say with a clear conscience, yes, he helped her mother in every way possible.
His serious, unwavering glare bore into Consuela as he talked. “This is what I will do. I’ll give you enough money to pay your dealer. You MUST stop using, though. Because I won’t pay for any debts more than the recent ones. Next, I’m giving you $5,000 to start over. Pay some of your fines to make the court happy and get a decent place to live. Buy good food and clothes. Go to school. Get a better job. Make a life for yourself.”
Consuela wept. “You’d do that for me?”
“Yes. I want to help you get a fresh start. The rest is up to you. I want to tell Gracie someday, especially if you die of these drugs, I helped her mother. I want to help you stay alive. Here’s a big but—you said you’d sign custody over to me. I will hold you to it. I want full legal and physical custody of Gracie. I will still send you money every month, enough to help you with essentials. I’ll even put it in writing and sign it.”
