Heart storms, p.16
Heart Storms, page 16
“I’m sure he doesn’t suspect us, and I don’t think he’s that smart about relationships, period.”
“Even worse. It tells me he’s acting purely out of caring for you, and you’re tempted to explore it.”
Jade’s tears built and she cried into her hands, unable to control the battling feelings inside. “I don’t know what I want. I don’t want to hurt you. I do care so deeply for you and don’t want to lose you.”
Gabe held her arms and brought her close. “But I don’t want to fall in love with you if you’re still interested in someone else.”
She uncovered her eyes to look at him. “I’m not interested in him the way I used to be. You’ve helped me get over him. I guess I still have questions; the ‘what-ifs,’ and ‘why,’ and ‘why now?” He has no clue you and I see each other as much as we do or the depth of our feelings, leading me to guess his intentions are honest. But he may be the same old Rick—jealous of you but can’t take another step beyond the first—the Rick who, after one or two dates and possibly opening his heart would still be afraid and stuck in the past.”
Gabe let go of her and they stood side-by-side. “Well, it’s about time you found out. In fact, I’ll help you out. I insist you go out with him the next time he asks so you know for sure whether you still have feelings for him. Okay? Promise me you’ll take him up on his next offer?”
Jade turned to Gabe and held him for a long time. “My first reaction is to say ‘no.’ But I trust your advice. You’re so strong, so smart and good. You’re also right. I couldn’t do this if you didn’t insist for the good of both of us. I do need to get clear before I move on with you. Thank you for helping me.” She kissed him hard, a deluge of love and gratitude pouring out of her. Why is it so hard to fathom how real love feels? When the kiss ended, she had her answer. It was hard to know real love because she hadn’t had it yet with a man. Either way, the kiss was wonderful, and Gabe even more so.
Inside their kiss, Jade’s strong emotions filled Gabe’s heart to overflowing. Relieved, he guessed he had more than a slight chance against Rick. Even though he knew he was right in making Jade go out with Rick, fear shook him. He wouldn’t stop trembling until her date with Rick was over and she made a decision. All he had now was hope, and hope was such a new, fragile concept in his life—a concept begun with knowing Jade. And if Jade left his life, his hope for anything good would disappear with her.
***
Jade invited Gabe to dinner the next night, saying he was her best guy and she wanted to spend time with him before the work week began. It felt like the ‘last supper’ before she had her date with Rick. But he wanted to see her so badly he didn’t care the circumstances and tried not to think about what she’d do next week.
Jade hugged him, welcomed him with a glass of wine and took him to the patio where she’d set out a plate of herbed bread and cheese next to the wine bottle.
As he sat in the wicker chair, he asked, “What’s the occasion?”
“No occasion, just you. I want to celebrate you and our friendship.”
He sipped his wine. “While it lasts, you mean, and make yourself feel better about it?”
The corners of her mouth turned down along with her gaze. “You do cut right through to the heart of a subject, don’t you, no matter if it hurts?”
He shrugged and matter-of-factly picked up a slice of cheese and popped it in his mouth. He allowed a few seconds for a tense pause while he chewed his food. “Why screw around with small talk? Life is too short. This night will be too short, at least for me.”
Jade slumped into her chair. “I feel like a piece of crap, so awful. And you sit here watching me. How can you tolerate being near me, knowing what I’m about to do with Rick?”
“I told you to do it, remember?”
“I still feel terrible. After everything I’ve been through since the devil, I still feel I have the wrong life. I was young and stupid and wanting the fairytale to realize I married the wrong man. After it ended, I took off to build my own life and met Rick. We started a relationship deeper than work, then he rejected me. You and I became closer than friends and finally, I was moving in the right direction. My job, my home, you—things were looking good. Now this. I’m back to wrong. Somehow I knew I’d never get out from under it.”
“Out from under what?” Gabe hoped he appeared nonchalant, but inside he was quaking.
“From having the wrong life. What if things never change, if I’m doomed to make wrong choices forever? If I made the wrong decision about the devil so easily, it could happen again.”
“I feel the same way. I was born to have a good life, and something happened along the way, something got twisted up and ass-backwards. Slowly, I turned into someone I never wanted to be. When I was a kid, I had such high hopes and dreams and ended up with loss and nightmares.”
“Exactly.” Jade sat up straight in her chair. “All human beings are born good, but life messes with them. Life turns bad, brings bad things like milk going sour or your fairy godmother turning out to be the evil witch hag, or the evil husband in my case who wreaks havoc on your life.”
Gabe laughed. “We had no fairy godmothers in the projects—wicked stepmothers and drug trolls, yes.” He got a far-off look in his eye and murmured, “No, my dreams were smashed by regular people, people I didn’t expect to crush a kid’s heart and plans. The twisting around part was when I had to become like them to survive them.”
Jade took his hand. “The difference between us now is I’m still floundering, still feeling I’m in the wrong life but you seem to be turning your life around.”
“I’m trying. Because of your influence, I’m trying to live, think and act better.”
Fear came through Jade’s voice. “I’m worried I’ll always have the wrong life no matter how hard I try.”
Gabe put down his glass and leaned close to her. “You’ve seen less darkness in your life than I have, but it’s always there, the dark shadow following you, waiting to pounce and make the wrong decision.” He remembered his angel’s and devil’s voices—they’d always been there from the first time he’d been hurt and wanted to strike back, and they’d never left.
“Look at the positive side,” Jade said. “At least you have an angel trying to help you do the right thing, shedding good light on your life. What if you only had the devil with nothing to balance it? My mother talks about this kind of stuff—light and dark, good and evil, love and hate. She told me it was how the universe and life were set up; the balance of nature, of birth and death. She explained if we didn’t have the dark, we wouldn’t know what the light was.”
“Whoa, that’s intense. I never thought about it that way.” He smiled a cute, little-boyish grin. “But I’ll tell you, I’ve known people with only the devil’s voice and it scared the angel away a long time ago.”
Jade threw her head back and laughed. “I’ve known one person like that—Devlin.”
Gabe turned serious. “You’re lucky. I’ve known lots and I don’t see how any of them had anything but evilness inside them.”
“I don’t either. But you don’t want to be like them, do you?”
“Not anymore. Thanks for talking to me as an equal. It means the world to me.”
“Me, too,” she said. “It’s healing to share the worst parts of my life with someone who understands.”
“I guess we deserve each other, huh?” Gabe said, his grin taunting and charming.
“Damn straight, we do!”
Jade’s voice sounded light and happy and the more positive and happier she was about Gabe before this upcoming date with Rick, the better her’s and Gabe’s relationship would fare. The angel on Gabe’s good shoulder was happy, too, with Gabe displaying patience and not bolting out of the relationship with fear and insecurity. He’d wait for Jade to come to her senses and come back to him.
***
The following Sunday after a slow weekend, Rick, as a matter of course had asked Jade to go out after work. He nearly fainted when she said she would. The rest of the day he walked on air, looking forward to six o’clock and drinks at a nice restaurant. Maybe he could even talk her into dinner. He wondered what would come next? He hadn’t imagined past having a drink or how the conversation would go. More than likely, she’d have some direct and hard questions for him. He doubted he was prepared. For the next hour, he guessed what she might ask—about his partner he never told her about in detail. He still wasn’t comfortable talking about Leah. She was too private, too intimate. He’d skirt around the subject.
Jade would probably ask about his grief and if he’d healed. He had mostly, but she’d ask if he was ready for a relationship, to love someone new. The thought of those questions made him sweat and pace in circles like a dog chasing its tail. He couldn’t say he was completely ready. Rick stopped and yelled, “I just want to have a drink with her for god’s sake.”
The night when he sobbed in his car letting go of his sorrow, he probably loved Jade and would pursue her no matter what. But what if he’d been merely filling in the void, the open wound left in his heart? He still couldn’t imagine making love to anyone but Leah. Lovemaking was so much more than physical for him. Jade probably felt the same way, but she’d admitted she was falling in love with him and he couldn’t one-hundred percent say the same. It would take time. They’d have to invest time and feelings, friendship and caring and take it very slow. In a year or so he’d hopefully be ready to move forward with a more committed relationship. Maybe six months later he’d be ready for physical intimacy.
He dropped in his chair, exhausted. Will she really want to talk about everything tonight? She might. She might think this date was the next step forward as she called it, instead of a casual drink between friends.
In the bathroom, Rick washed his hands and looked in the mirror. He saw fear, same as he’d felt at fourteen about to go on a first date, scared to death and sweating through his shirt.
You’re pathetic. He wondered where the young, handsome, funny, smart, outgoing guy had gone—the one that so many women pursued in college? He stared now at a nervous, perspiring, cowardly middle-aged man. Jade had said she loved him, but he questioned her feelings. How could she possibly? She might have loved the old him before Leah. Suddenly he remembered where the former, great guy had gone—he died when Leah did.
Chapter 20
The Monday After Jade and Rick’s Date
Gabriel didn’t sleep at all Sunday night knowing Jade and Rick were on their first official date. First thing Monday, he couldn’t stand not knowing what happened with them and texted her, asking how the night had gone. Jade texted, ‘Tell u later. Business slow, took day off. Come over 4pm. We’ll talk.’
Troubled, worried, anxious, fearful—he was all those with her response. She’d said nothing about the outcome of the date. Maybe she’d invited him over to let him down easy, and in person.
Gabe only saw Rick a couple times at work. He seemed happy enough and calm, not like someone who’d been rejected the night before, making Gabe worry even more about Jade’s decision. She hadn’t even invited him for drinks or dinner, merely ‘to talk.’ Something’s up and it’s not good.
After work, he showered and shaved, trimmed, combed, gelled, and dabbed a touch of cologne on his neck. He chose a crisp, deep blue cotton dress shirt and folded the sleeves up under the cuffs to his elbows for a casual look. Snug jeans with the silver belt she liked finished the look. If this was his last night with Jade, he wanted her to remember him at his best, possibly reconsider her decision. His heart sank, though, fantasizing the worst as he drove to her cottage.
As Gabe walked toward her door, he mentally prepared for the worst news so as not to react in an impulsive, hot-headed way. He’d take it like a man. He’d also fight for her in the future, but he wouldn’t tell her so tonight; he’d do it when the time was right. No matter her news, he planned on a calm evening between good friends, not showing he was dying inside.
Gabe knocked on her door and when Jade yelled from inside for him to come in, he opened the door tentatively, thinking it wasn’t a good sign she didn’t even greet him at the door. He pushed it slowly, looking for her. She was across the living room into the kitchen, standing behind the island. He couldn’t believe his eyes. She wore a dress, a stunning dress—no, her body in the dress was stunning. A bunch of thoughts ran through his mind at once: ‘Why is she looking so sexy to tell me we’re done? Is she going out somewhere fancy with Rick after she throws bad news at me? Is she trying to hurt me even more? No, she wouldn’t do that.’ He took a deep breath but was unable to move one step in her direction. ‘Oh my God, she’s so gorgeous. But I have to act cool, I can’t make any move until I hear what happened…’ But in mid-thought, Jade walked toward him.
***
Previous Night, Sunday — Jade and Rick’s Date
Jade arrived a little late to the restaurant and as soon as she sat across from Rick, she saw something was wrong by the anguished look on his face. He’d obviously arrived there early and had ordered two glasses of white wine—one for each of them, without even thinking about what she might want to drink. He didn’t even order a bottle of wine. Must mean he intends this to be a short date. She ignored her thoughts, choosing not to put a damper on the evening before it began.
They made small talk. Jade made it clear she was happy to be there to have a lovely social evening and some good conversation. The longer she talked and the happier she was, the more morose Rick became. Noticing, she said, “I’m sorry I was late. I got stuck on the phone…”
Rick interrupted her. “No, it’s something else.”
“What’s the matter?” she asked in a soft, non-threatening tone. “Has something awful happened since we talked last?”
Rick, never able to keep up a ruse or facade, told the truth. “Yeah, something kind of awful happened for me.” He was so nervous, he blurted out everything he’d gone through earlier in the afternoon—all his thoughts, fears, questions, cowardice, hesitations about a relationship even though he knew he could love her. The last straw for Jade was when he laid out his pre-arranged timeline, far in the future for hopefully being ready to love and make love.
Jade’s heart dropped listening to him. Forever the plodder and the planner. As he carried on with his mission statement about wanting a future relationship starting as more of a deep friendship, he sounded like a comedian doing a bad monologue about a neurotic, commitment-phobe man. The last thing she needed in her life was someone who was indecisive, fearful and loaded with old baggage he couldn’t unload. He appeared almost sick with worry, simply over having a drink and talking with her.
Jade drank down the rest of her paltry glass of wine and said, “Thanks for the drink and your honesty. It was almost brutal. And frankly, I’m not interested in brutal when it comes to a man I want to love and share time with. I’m sorry, Rick, I thought you were ready to be serious, but you’re still too hung up on whatever or whomever—I don’t even care anymore.”
Jade stood to leave. “I’ll always admire and respect you as a boss, an amazing businessman and we’ll always be friends and work together well. Nothing will change. But any social or love scenario won’t work for us. Let’s honor the great working relationship we have and leave it at that, okay?”
Rick stood when she did. With her words, it seemed she’d given him a reprieve. He put out his hand and they shook, with him kissing her cheek. “Agreed. I’m not happy about this. I wish you’d give me a chance, even though a long-term chance, but I understand your reasons. You’re an incredible woman and I’m so glad we’ll continue working together with no hitches. I couldn’t run the inn without you.”
“Thanks, Rick. I appreciate your words.” She turned to head out. “See you tomorrow.”
He waved as she left. A pit of sadness and failure filled his gut like lead. He had more than ‘friendly’ feelings for her. His attraction was strong and intense, and with time, he’d love her. He was already falling in love. But what he felt mostly while watching her leave, was relief.
***
Monday, After the Date
Jade had taken the day off Monday to nurse her wounds from the disastrous date with Rick the night before. She’d secretly hoped they’d have a great time and move on from there to explore a potential relationship, to pick up where they’d left off from the day he’d thrown himself at her in the supply room. But their date was a clear sign there’d be no future with him. No one could predict what might happen in a year or more, but the future wasn’t real. Today was real. Gabe was real.
To shake off and clear out the bad vibes, she cleaned her cottage, did laundry, took a long run on the beach and caught up with emails. Later she loaded the fire pit with wood and chilled a bottle of nice champagne, expecting Gabe would be a happy man tonight.
After showering, drying and curling her long hair into tendrils, she dusted her eyes with a soft gold powder, applied a touch of eyeliner and mascara, then put on a dress. Gabe had seen her in business clothes but never in a dress like this. She bought it a year ago while shopping with Amy, who insisted she have one good cocktail dress because ‘you never know when you’ll need it.’ Lucky for Jade she listened because the dress was perfect for tonight. It was deep red silk with a plunging neckline and hugged every curve. Gabe would go crazy for it. She wasn’t quite sure exactly how tonight would evolve except to give Gabe what would be good news for him, to give him something nice to look at, and a lovely evening with champagne, the fire and the soothing sounds of the ocean in the distance.
***
When Gabe opened the door, Jade saw him as a male model in a fashion magazine. But he showed no emotion, no smile as if he was afraid to express anything. He hesitated to walk in, and Jade couldn’t stand seeing him uncomfortable. Knowing he waited for bad news, she practically ran to him, flung her arms around his neck and pressed her body against his. When he returned the embrace with great enthusiasm, she kissed him with such passion she sensed him dissolving into a puddle.
