Delphi complete works of.., p.177
Delphi Complete Works of Stephen Leacock, page 177
The Only Tender Spot In the Banker’s Heart is For His Daughter Maisie. To Her He Denies Nothing.
See, the pictures are about to establish the fact that Maisie is denied nothing. Look at her there in her palatial home, romping with a pet dog. Oh, how sweet she is! See her kiss that dog — oh, my, I wonder what they pay that dog for his part. There she is, riding her pony round the grounds; now she is entertaining a whole bevy of her girl friends on the lawn — now she’s in a store buying rich things — say, I think it’s proved up to the hilt that that girl is denied nothing! On with the film! — but wait, — just a minute — did you notice among the clerks in the office, that young man? . . . sort of Spanish-looking, mean-looking — kind of a crook — species of skunk — evidently not a hundred per cent American — in fact hardly twenty per cent. See the way he keeps a sort of furtive eye on the banker. Say, I believe that fellow must come into the play somehow — just watch him. Never mind, he’s gone, but he’ll come in again. Now we go on. Ah, this is more like.
Ascot Wright, Student at Harvard
I’m glad it’s Harvard. So much more class to it than the Ontario Agricultural College —
Has Discovered in His Researches in the Harvard Library the Location of a Lost Gold Mine in a Cavern in Dead Men’s Gulch near Graveyard Canyon in Dead Bones County, Nevada
Here we have him, Ascot Wright researching in the library, the way all Harvard students do. How neat he is. I thought all researchers looked pretty dusty, but perhaps not. Anyhow Ascot is as neat as a pin, and athletic-looking, and awfully well dressed for a student. Perhaps his father is a Harvard professor.
Now see! Evidently he’s struck something among the books — see him take a paper from the leaves of an old volume! He’s examining it — feverishly; say, I can just tell that Ascot has discovered a gold mine. He’s working his face just the way a student does when he finds one. Ah, see that! You don’t understand? Those pictures represent what Ascot is reading about. Look! that’s the Great Western Desert. . . . See the little troop of people! horsemen and mules with pack-saddles, crossing it, see the steel uniforms and breastplates, and swords — early Spaniards, that’s what they are . . . the first discoverers of the West . . . look! they’ve entered a cavern; say, the gloom of it! They’re digging with pickaxes! Look, look! They’re piling up great bars of gold. They’re mad with excitement . . . they’re quarrelling — they’re fighting — they’re stabbing one another. . . . Look, dead bodies — dead bones — dead bones in the cavern — dead bones all along the trail — it means the survivors tried to escape, do you see? Look, here’s one, he’s the last . . . he’s dying of thirst in the desert; see him writing on a bit of paper . . . there, he’s folded it into a missal, a prayer book or something. I know what it is — it’s the description of all about the mine in the cavern, and the piled-up gold, do you see? and that’s the paper that Ascot Wright has found in the Harvard library three hundred years later. Look! it’s saying so: —
The Manuscript Written in Latin by the Dying Spanish Explorer Pedro Alvarez De Estorga is Deciphered by the Harvard Student.
There’s Ascot, look at him with the paper in front of him, deciphering it! — deciphering Latin! Isn’t he a bird? My! A Harvard education is a wonderful thing. . . . Now what’s it saying?
The Harvard Student Lays His Discovery before the Great Financier.
There he is, that’s Ascot in Bessemer Steel’s inner office. How neat he looks in his covert coat and his hard hat. These Harvard students certainly have class. He’s explaining to the banker all about the mine. . . . The great banker is listening. . . . He’s hearing all about the documents. See! the pictures go by again — desert — cavern — bones — more bones — dying Spaniard — document — bones — gold — He’s got it. These New York bankers are just lightning at picking up bones and gold.
Now he’s speaking —
“Mr. Wright, This Must be Kept a Profound Secret.”
Oh, but can it be? Look who’s listening . . . that clerk, you remember the crook, the one with the cunning face — he’s pushed open the door a little way — He’s standing listening — they don’t see him.
“. . . We Will Go West at Once. I Will Defray the Expenses of the Search and Divide with You Fifty-Fifty”
What splendid English, those great bankers use! So clear, isn’t it?
And just then, who comes dancing into the office through the side door — Maisie. Isn’t she just sweet with her fur around her neck; say, look, she’s got one of those new skirts. Watch her go and throw her arms around the banker’s neck . . . see his face light up! In fact, you can see him light it up. Now he is introducing Ascot Wright to Maisie — They bow to one another — say, Ascot is taken with Maisie right away, isn’t he? — Now the Spanish clerk comes in with papers in his hands. He bows to Maisie. How coldly she nods to him. But look at his eyes when he looks at her. I get it, don’t you? And that look of hate that he hands to Ascot! Those Spaniards certainly have temperament. The moving pictures would be lost without them.
Now, the banker is speaking to the Spaniard.
Mr. Gonzalez, I am Leaving To-night for Nevada. Will You Kindly Make the Arrangements for my Transportation ——
Look! Maisie wants to go too. . . . She’s questioning her father . . . he’s shaking his head. . . . She’s put her arms around his neck. Oh, take her, take her, or I’ll buy a ticket to Nevada and take her myself. . . .
Scene changed. The Pennsylvania Station. Look at all the people. Isn’t it just wonderful to see the Pennsylvania Station in moving pictures; much better than in real life; but then, so’s everything. They’re leaving for Nevada. Maisie is going too; there she is: do you notice, she’s got on one of those new coats they’re wearing. Do you like them?
And there’s Ascot. That’s a nice valise he has . . . and the banker, and Gonzalez. No he’s not going, he’s just seeing them off. The banker’s giving him papers and instructions . . . there, they’re starting on their journey — See the landscape flying past — now they’re in a dining-car. See the darky waiters — look at the banker ordering lunch. . . . I’ll bet he knows how: He’ll eat lunch all the way to Nevada.
But look — we’re back at the station. It’s Gonzalez, he’s buying a ticket. He’s getting on the train. . . . I see it, don’t you? He’s following them. I knew he would —
Now the scene has changed altogether. They’re arriving in Nevada. This is Canyon City . . . a queer, empty spot . . . shack houses and desert and hills all around it . . . see the wooden hotel with the verandah and the men on horseback with leather trousers and with lariats on the pommel of the saddle . . . and the men leaning against the verandah posts with lariats slung over their arms. Look at that big man with the slouch hat and the wide face. That’s the one it showed at the beginning . . . he’s Big Jim, the Sheriff . . . he’s talking to them . . . they’re explaining what they want.
Now it’s changed again. Where is this place? Oh, yes, I recognize it — it’s a saloon — see the bar and all the bottles and the bartender leaning over it — pretty tough looking, isn’t . . . see the men sitting at the little table drinking whisky. . . . I’ve seen this sort of place a hundred times in the movies, haven’t you? It’s always called Pete’s Place or something like that. . . . That’s Gonzalez, one of the men drinking, and that other is Dan Yegg, the bad man that we saw, and the rest, I guess, are bandits . . . they must be. . . . Now, Gonzalez is explaining. He’s telling about Bessemer Steel and Ascot Wright coming to hunt for the gold . . . he’s telling the story of the Spanish explorers. . . . There it goes — desert — bones, gold, more bones, dying Spaniard, — They’ve got it: — Look how excited they get —
Now it’s changed back to Ascot and his friends. . . . They’re mounting on horseback. Doesn’t Maisie look nice in that short skirt? I guess she brought it with her on purpose. Look at the armed men! quite a troop of them. Oh, I guess they’d need them in a place like that. . . . Big Jim is pointing and giving advice: I suppose he’s telling them the way to Dead Men’s Gulch. There, they’re off — clattering out of the town and away.
Separated from Their Armed Escort, Ascot and His Companions Make Their Way into the Heart of Dead Men’s Gulch
Separated from their armed escort? A crazy thing to do in a place like that, you say? Oh, yes, but they always do it, in all romances. The first thing you have to do with an armed escort is to separate yourself from it.
But say! look at the Gulch. Isn’t that the gloom spot? See the great walls of rock towering above their heads, and the litters of boulders where they pick their way. Look, that’s a snake, a real snake. Ugh! Aren’t they crazy to go into a place like that? There’s Ascot leading them, with a little bit of map or chart in his hand. And, oh look! look! Do you see that? Those heads behind the rocks, they’re being followed — it’s Gonzalez and Dan Yegg and Mexican bandits. Say! it’s just madness to get separated from that escort.
What’s this? They’ve stopped. Ascot’s pointing. He’s found the entrance of a sort of tunnel into the cliff . . . they’re going into it. . . . They’re carrying flashlights. . . . The light shines on the rock walls. . . . What a fearsome place. Look — written there on the wall in strange lettering:
Pedro Alvarez De Estorga
1621
They gather round it. . . . They’re reading the inscription. . . . Now they’re going on — the tunnel is widening — it’s opening into a great cavern . . . notice the high ceiling and the hanging rocks — with the water dripping from it. . . . I suppose it’s dripped like that for centuries — see the floor all sand — and there! bones of dead men, — and a steel breastplate and part of a broken sword . . . and over in the corner gold piled up in bars, and great nuggets of it heaped up — on the floor.
Ascot is picking up the gold and showing it to Maisie. Bessemer Steel has taken up a nugget and is examining it. I bet he knows to a fraction what is worth — Ha! He’s showing it and speaking:
“I Estimate That There is at a Conservative Estimate Two Million Dollars Of Gold Lying at Our Feet”
Say! Two million! and at a conservative estimate! Think of the coolness of the man making a conservative estimate in a place like that.
Great Heavens! The whole three of them have turned in sharp alarm! They hear something — some one in the tunnel. Here they come dashing into the cavern — armed men — Gonzalez and Yegg and the bandits. They’ve rushed at Ascot and the banker — three of them are fighting Ascot all at once . . . go to it, Ascot, that’s the way — Now he’s down — no, he’s up again — he’s down — they’re clubbing him — and the banker, Dan Yegg has him down and is choking him — That’s the way, choke him — keep it up — Now this is really enjoyable. This is the real thing . . . go on — keep on choking him . . . that’s right, pound Ascot over the head with a rock — admirable! I do like these choking scenes, don’t you?
They’re both insensible — inanimate on the floor of the cave — now they’ve grabbed Maisie — they’re binding her with cords — good . . . twist her up tight — that’s the way — give her another wind. It enhances the educational value of the film. . . .
There, they’ve gathered her up . . . they’ve put the gold into bags . . . they’re carrying Maisie and the gold down the tunnel . . . they’re coming out at the entrance. Oh, see what they’re doing! . . . they’re blocking the mouth of the tunnel with great rocks . . . the bodies of Ascot and Bessemer will never be found. . . .
Now they’re lifting Maisie into a motor car . . . that must have been waiting down the gulch . . . they’ve got her mouth gagged; I hadn’t noticed that before. That’s a good touch, isn’t it? . . . There! they’re all in . . . they’re off . . . out of the gulch . . . out on the mesa . . . away . . . away . . . fading into the distant hills . . . gone.
Where is it now? It’s such a poor light, I can’t see, can you? Oh, yes, I got it. It’s inside the cave again. . . . Ascot and Bessemer Steel flat on the sand . . . the light is that electric torch still lying on its side and burning . . . Look, Ascot moved his arm . . . he’s reviving . . . he’s half sitting up . . . he’s feeling Bessemer Steel’s heart. Bessemer is reviving too. They’ll both be all right in a few minutes. They were only clubbed with rocks and stabbed and choked. That’s nothing. Movie actors go through far worse than that and revive. . . . Didn’t I tell you? . . . Ascot has stood up . . . he walks painfully . . . for five seconds . . . now he walks all right . . . he’s looking round . . . he’s taking the torch and going into the tunnel . . . he is speaking to Bessemer:
“They Have Walled Up the Mouth of the Tunnel”
Yes, Ascot, we knew that, we saw them doing it. But look at the horror on Bessemer Steel’s face . . . now he’s speaking:
“Ascot, We are Lost. There is Nothing in Front of Us but a Slow Death”
But look at Ascot . . . see his set jaw and his clenched hand and his brave face! see what he says!
“We Are Not Lost Mr. Steel. I Can Save Us Yet”
Oh, bully for you Ascot, that’s the stuff. That Harvard training does it every time.
Whatever is Ascot doing now? . . . he’s picking up the broken bits of the old Spanish armor . . . he’s fitting things together . . . what’s he making? He’s taken out a long thin wire from his pocket, a coil of it . . . he’s fastened a weight to it, he’s thrown it to the roof of the cave . . . it’s caught on a jag of rock . . . now he’s fastening it down tight on the ground and attaching something to it. Ah, I catch on, I see it, don’t you? Why, radio! He’s got a radio machine with him; now they’ll make it all clear in writing in a minute — didn’t I tell you? There it is —
Ascot Wright with the Aid of a Wire and the Fragments of old Armor and an Electric Torch Makes a Radio. “Mr. Steel in Five Minutes I Shall be in Communication with Canyon City”
Look! He’s getting into communication . . . zik — zik — see the big blue sparks running down the wire and lighting up the cave — zik — zik — zak — zak — zik . . . he’s sending his message. . . .
Ah! Here’s the other end of it. The wireless station at Canyon City . . . see the operator in his room with a sort of helmet on and wires and sparks all round him . . . zik — zak — zik . . . the message is coming through. . . . Look at the operator — all hurry and alarm — he writes down the message, he’s dashed out with it in his hand . . . he’s reading it to Big Jim, the Sheriff, see the excited crowd gathering. . . . Jim’s haranguing them.
“Mr. Steel and Ascot Wright are Walled Up in a Cave Off Dead Man’s Gulch. . . . Miss Steel Has Been Carried Off by Bandits. I Want Every Man That Can Ride and Handle a Gun”
Hurrah! That’s the way — off they go . . . see them leap on the horses and off in a whirl of dust. . . . See the Winchester rifles slung over their shoulders . . . there’s Big Jim at the head of them . . . out of the town and over the desert. . . . There, they’re riding into the gulch. . . . Ascot must have given them the directions . . . they’ve halted . . . they’re at the walled-up tunnel . . . they’re tearing down the stones . . . they’re entering the cave, it’s bright now with torches . . . and crowded with men . . . they’ve found Ascot and Bessemer Steel. . . . Big Jim has put a flask to their lips . . . that’ll help them. . . . Now Ascot’s explaining, the gold, the attack, — everything . . . see them crowd listening with the light on their faces. . . .
Out of the cave . . . out into the bright sunshine . . . and riding, riding for life . . . but where? How can they know . . . and the motor had a long start. What is that they plan to do . . . riding, riding, they don’t seem to be chasing anything, they seem to be going somewhere. Oh! look! what’s this place with tall frame sheds and the level ground? Oh, I get it — fine! fine! See that great sign:
Aeroplane Station of the Government of the United States
Isn’t that great? What a thing it is to live under a government that keeps aeroplanes even away out in the desert.
Now they’re running an aeroplane out of the shed — what a huge machine! They’re getting in, Bessemer Steel, and Big Jim, the Sheriff, and his men; see, Ascot is going to steer: I guess his head is all right again now. That little thumping up with the rocks merely woke up his brain.
Away they go — up — up — see the machine soaring in the blue sky, floating, hovering like a great bird watching for its prey . . . it’s circling round searching for the motor car. Aha! they must see it now. . . . Look at the aeroplane swooping down . . . and see, there’s the motor . . . rushing over the mesa . . . here it’s coming right past us. Gonzalez is at the wheel. There’s Maisie, in the back of the car still tied . . . here’s the aeroplane right after it . . . look at Dan Yegg standing up in the car and shooting at the aeroplane with a revolver. . . . They’re shooting back . . . that’s Big Jim with his Winchester leaning over the edge of the car . . . look, the motor running straight for the edge of the canyon. . . . Great Cæsar, it’s gone over . . . it’s a drop of a thousand feet . . . look . . . there’s the car falling through the air, the wheels still spinning . . . and there’s the aeroplane chasing it as it falls . . . watch Big Jim . . . he’s got a coil of rope, a lasso . . . he’s lassoed Maisie with it. . . . Hurrah, they’re hauling her on the aeroplane. . . . The motor can fall now, it doesn’t matter where it falls to. . . . there’s the aeroplane, landed . . . Maisie’s unbound . . . she’s in her father’s arms . . . he’s handing her to Ascot. . . .
What’s it saying? — oh? that’s just the wind-up.
And So These Twin Souls Join Henceforth to Walk Life’s Pathway Hand in Hand. Next Week Mutt and Jeff among the Monkeys. Don’t Miss It.
Oroastus — A Greek Tragedy. (As presented in our colleges)
THE GREEK DRAMA, as everybody knows, possesses a majesty that we do not find elsewhere. It has a loftiness, a sublimity, to which no later theatre has obtained. Anybody who has seen the play of Alcestis put on by the Senior class of the Podunk High School will admit this at once.
