Delphi complete works of.., p.62
Delphi Complete Works of Stephen Leacock, page 62
He might have waited indefinitely had he not learned, on the third day of his visit, that Dulphemia was to go away in the morning to join her father at Nagahakett.
That evening he found the necessary nerve to speak, and the proposal in almost every aspect of it was most successful.
“By Jove!” Spillikins said to Philippa Furlong next morning, in explaining what had happened, “she was awfully nice about it. I think she must have guessed, in a way, don’t you, what I was going to say? But at any rate she was awfully nice — let me say everything I wanted, and when I explained what a fool I was, she said she didn’t think I was half such a fool as people thought me. But it’s all right. It turns out that she isn’t thinking of getting married. I asked her if I might always go on thinking of her, and she said I might.”
And that morning when Dulphemia was carried off in the motor to the station, Mr. Spillikins, without exactly being aware how he had done it, had somehow transferred himself to Philippa.
“Isn’t she a splendid girl!” he said at least ten times a day to Norah, the Little Girl in Green. And Norah always agreed, because she really thought Philippa a perfectly wonderful creature. There is no doubt that, but for a slight shift of circumstances, Mr. Spillikins would have proposed to Miss Furlong. Indeed, he spent a good part of his time rehearsing little speeches that began, “Of course I know I’m an awful ass in a way,” or, “Of course I know that I’m not at all the sort of fellow,” and so on.
But not one of them ever was delivered.
For it so happened that on the Thursday, one week after Mr. Spillikins’s arrival, Philippa went again to the station in the motor. And when she came back there was another passenger with her, a tall young man in tweed, and they both began calling out to the Newberrys from a distance of at least a hundred yards.
And both the Newberrys suddenly exclaimed, “Why, it’s Tom!” and rushed off to meet the motor. And there was such a laughing and jubilation as the two descended and carried Tom’s valises to the verandah, that Mr. Spillikins felt as suddenly and completely out of it as the Little Girl in Green herself — especially as his ear had caught, among the first things said, the words, “Congratulate us, Mrs. Newberry, we’re engaged.”
After which Mr. Spillikins had the pleasure of sitting and listening while it was explained in wicker chairs on the verandah, that Philippa and Tom had been engaged already for ever so long — in fact, nearly two weeks, only they had agreed not to say a word to anybody till Tom had gone to North Carolina and back, to see his people.
And as to who Tom was, or what was the relation between Tom and the Newberrys, Mr. Spillikins neither knew or cared; nor did it interest him in the least that Philippa had met Tom in Bermuda, and that she hadn’t known that he even knew the Newberry’s nor any other of the exuberant disclosures of the moment. In fact, if there was any one period rather than another when Mr. Spillikins felt corroborated in his private view of himself, it was at this moment.
So the next day Tom and Philippa vanished together.
“We shall be quite a small party now,” said Mrs. Newberry; “in fact, quite by ourselves till Mrs. Everleigh comes, and she won’t be here for a fortnight.”
At which the heart of the Little Girl in Green was glad, because she had been afraid that other girls might be coming, whereas she knew that Mrs. Everleigh was a widow with four sons and must be ever so old, past forty.
The next few days were spent by Mr. Spillikins almost entirely in the society of Norah. He thought them on the whole rather pleasant days, but slow. To her they were an uninterrupted dream of happiness never to be forgotten.
The Newberrys left them to themselves; not with any intent; it was merely that they were perpetually busy walking about the grounds of Castel Casteggio, blowing up things with dynamite, throwing steel bridges over gullies, and hoisting heavy timber with derricks. Nor were they to blame for it. For it had not always been theirs to command dynamite and control the forces of nature. There had been a time, now long ago, when the two Newberrys had lived, both of them, on twenty dollars a week, and Mrs. Newberry had made her own dresses, and Mr. Newberry had spent vigorous evenings in making hand-made shelves for their sitting-room. That was long ago, and since then Mr. Newberry, like many other people of those earlier days, had risen to wealth and Castel Casteggio, while others, like Norah’s father, had stayed just where they were.
So the Newberrys left Peter and Norah to themselves all day. Even after dinner, in the evening, Mr. Newberry was very apt to call to his wife in the dusk from some distant corner of the lawn:
“Margaret, come over here and tell me if you don’t think we might cut down this elm, tear the stump out by the roots, and throw it into the ravine.”
And the answer was, “One minute, Edward; just wait till I get a wrap.”
Before they came back, the dusk had grown to darkness, and they had redynamited half the estate.
During all of which time Mr. Spillikins sat with Norah on the piazza. He talked and she listened. He told her, for instance, all about his terrific experiences in the oil business, and about his exciting career at college; or presently they went indoors and Norah played the piano and Mr. Spillikins sat and smoked and listened. In such a house as the Newberry’s, where dynamite and the greater explosives were everyday matters, a little thing like the use of tobacco in the drawing-room didn’t count. As for the music, “Go right ahead,” said Mr. Spillikins; “I’m not musical, but I don’t mind music a bit.”
In the daytime they played tennis. There was a court at one end of the lawn beneath the trees, all chequered with sunlight and mingled shadow; very beautiful, Norah thought, though Mr. Spillikins explained that the spotted light put him off his game. In fact, it was owing entirely to this bad light that Mr. Spillikins’s fast drives, wonderful though they were, somehow never got inside the service court.
Norah, of course, thought Mr. Spillikins a wonderful player. She was glad — in fact, it suited them both — when he beat her six to nothing. She didn’t know and didn’t care that there was no one else in the world that Mr. Spillikins could beat like that. Once he even said to her.
“By Gad! you don’t play half a bad game, you know. I think you know, with practice you’d come on quite a lot.”
After that the games were understood to be more or less in the form of lessons, which put Mr. Spillikins on a pedestal of superiority, and allowed any bad strokes on his part to be viewed as a form of indulgence.
Also, as the tennis was viewed in this light, it was Norah’s part to pick up the balls at the net and throw them back to Mr. Spillikins. He let her do this, not from rudeness, for it wasn’t in him, but because in such a primeval place as Castel Casteggio the natural primitive relation of the sexes is bound to reassert itself.
But of love Mr. Spillikins never thought. He had viewed it so eagerly and so often from a distance that when it stood here modestly at his very elbow he did not recognize its presence. His mind had been fashioned, as it were, to connect love with something stunning and sensational, with Easter hats and harem skirts and the luxurious consciousness of the unattainable.
Even at that, there is no knowing what might have happened. Tennis, in the chequered light of sun and shadow cast by summer leaves, is a dangerous game. There came a day when they were standing one each side of the net and Mr. Spillikins was explaining to Norah the proper way to hold a racquet so as to be able to give those magnificent backhand sweeps of his, by which he generally drove the ball halfway to the lake; and explaining this involved putting his hand right over Norah’s on the handle of the racquet, so that for just half a second her hand was clasped tight in his; and if that half-second had been lengthened out into a whole second it is quite possible that what was already subconscious in his mind would have broken its way triumphantly to the surface, and Norah’s hand would have stayed in his — how willingly — ! for the rest of their two lives.
But just at that moment Mr. Spillikins looked up, and he said in quite an altered tone.
“By Jove! who’s that awfully good-looking woman getting out of the motor?”
And their hands unclasped. Norah looked over towards the house and said:
“Why, it’s Mrs. Everleigh. I thought she wasn’t coming for another week.”
“I say,” said Mr. Spillikins, straining his short sight to the uttermost, “what perfectly wonderful golden hair, eh?” “Why, it’s—” Norah began, and then she stopped. It didn’t seem right to explain that Mrs. Everleigh’s hair was dyed. “And who’s that tall chap standing beside her?” said Mr. Spillikins.
“I think it’s Captain Cormorant, but I don’t think he’s going to stay. He’s only brought her up in the motor from town.” “By Jove, how good of him!” said Spillikins; and this sentiment in regard to Captain Cormorant, though he didn’t know it, was to become a keynote of his existence.
“I didn’t know she was coming so soon,” said Norah, and there was weariness already in her heart. Certainly she didn’t know it; still less did she know, or anyone else, that the reason of Mrs. Everleigh’s coming was because Mr. Spillikins was there. She came with a set purpose, and she sent Captain Cormorant directly back in the motor because she didn’t want him on the premises.
“Oughtn’t we to go up to the house?” said Norah.
“All right,” said Mr. Spillikins with great alacrity, “let’s go.”
Now as this story began with the information that Mrs. Everleigh is at present Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins, there is no need to pursue in detail the stages of Mr. Spillikins’s wooing. Its course was swift and happy. Mr. Spillikins, having seen the back of Mrs. Everleigh’s head, had decided instantly that she was the most beautiful woman in the world; and that impression is not easily corrected in the half-light of a shaded drawing-room; nor across a dinner-table lighted only with candles with deep red shades; nor even in the daytime through a veil. In any case, it is only fair to state that if Mrs. Everleigh was not and is not a singularly beautiful woman, Mr. Spillikins still doesn’t know it. And in point of attraction the homage of such experts as Captain Cormorant and Lieutenant Hawk speaks for itself.
So the course of Mr. Spillikins’s love, for love it must have been, ran swiftly to its goal. Each stage of it was duly marked by his comments to Norah.
“She is a splendid woman,” he said, “so sympathetic. She always seems to know just what one’s going to say.”
So she did, for she was making him say it.
“By Jove!” he said a day later, “Mrs. Everleigh’s an awfully fine woman, isn’t she? I was telling her about my having been in the oil business for a little while, and she thinks that I’d really be awfully good in money things. She said she wished she had me to manage her money for her.”
This also was quite true, except that Mrs. Everleigh had not made it quite clear that the management of her money was of the form generally known as deficit financing. In fact, her money was, very crudely stated, nonexistent, and it needed a lot of management.
A day or two later Mr. Spillikins was saying, “I think Mrs. Everleigh must have had great sorrow, don’t you? Yesterday she was showing me a photograph of her little boy — she has a little boy you know—”
“Yes, I know,” said Norah. She didn’t add that she knew that Mrs. Everleigh had four.
“ — and she was saying how awfully rough it is having him always away from her at Dr. Something’s academy where he is.”
And very soon after that Mr. Spillikins was saying, with quite a quaver in his voice,
“By Jove! yes, I’m awfully lucky; I never thought for a moment that she’d have me, you know — a woman like her, with so much attention and everything. I can’t imagine what she sees in me.”
Which was just as well.
And then Mr. Spillikins checked himself, for he noticed — this was on the verandah in the morning — that Norah had a hat and jacket on and that the motor was rolling towards the door.
“I say,” he said, “are you going away?”
“Yes, didn’t you know?” Norah said. “I thought you heard them speaking of it at dinner last night. I have to go home; father’s alone, you know.”
“Oh, I’m awfully sorry,” said Mr. Spillikins; “we shan’t have any more tennis.”
“Goodbye,” said Norah, and as she said it and put out her hand there were tears brimming up into her eyes. But Mr. Spillikins, being short of sight, didn’t see them.
“Goodbye,” he said.
Then as the motor carried her away he stood for a moment in a sort of reverie. Perhaps certain things that might have been rose unformed and inarticulate before his mind. And then, a voice called from the drawing-room within, in a measured and assured tone,
“Peter, darling, where are you?”
“Coming,” cried Mr. Spillikins, and he came.
On the second day of the engagement Mrs. Everleigh showed to Peter a little photograph in a brooch.
“This is Gib, my second little boy,” she said.
Mr. Spillikins started to say, “I didn’t know—” and then checked himself and said, “By Gad! what a fine-looking little chap, eh? I’m awfully fond of boys.”
“Dear little fellow, isn’t he?” said Mrs. Everleigh. “He’s really rather taller than that now, because this picture was taken a little while ago.”
And the next day she said, “This is Willie, my third boy,” and on the day after that she said, “This is Sib, my youngest boy; I’m sure you’ll love him.”
“I’m sure I shall,” said Mr. Spillikins. He loved him already for being the youngest.
And so in the fulness of time — nor was it so very full either, in fact, only about five weeks — Peter Spillikins and Mrs. Everleigh were married in St. Asaph’s Church on Plutoria Avenue. And the wedding was one of the most beautiful and sumptuous of the weddings of the September season. There were flowers, and bridesmaids in long veils, and tall ushers in frock-coats, and awnings at the church door, and strings of motors with wedding-favours on imported chauffeurs, and all that goes to invest marriage on Plutoria Avenue with its peculiar sacredness. The face of the young rector, Mr. Fareforth Furlong, wore the added saintliness that springs from a five-hundred dollar fee. The whole town was there, or at least everybody that was anybody; and if there was one person absent, one who sat by herself in the darkened drawing-room of a dull little house on a shabby street, who knew or cared?
So after the ceremony the happy couple — for were they not so? — left for New York. There they spent their honeymoon. They had thought of going — it was Mr. Spillikins’s idea — to the coast of Maine. But Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins said that New York was much nicer, so restful, whereas, as everyone knows, the coast of Maine is frightfully noisy.
Moreover, it so happened that before the Everleigh-Spillikinses had been more than four or five days in New York the ship of Captain Cormorant dropped anchor in the Hudson; and when the anchor of that ship was once down it generally stayed there. So the captain was able to take the Everleigh-Spillikinses about in New York, and to give a tea for Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins on the deck of his vessel so that she might meet the officers, and another tea in a private room of a restaurant on Fifth Avenue so that she might meet no one but himself.
And at this tea Captain Cormorant said, among other things, “Did he kick up rough at all when you told him about the money?”
And Mrs. Everleigh, now Mrs. Everleigh-Spillikins, said, “Not he! I think he is actually pleased to know that I haven’t any. Do you know, Arthur, he’s really an awfully good fellow,” and as she said it she moved her hand away from under Captain Cormorant’s on the tea-table.
“I say,” said the Captain, “don’t get sentimental over him.”
So that is how it is that the Everleigh-Spillikinses came to reside on Plutoria Avenue in a beautiful stone house, with a billiard-room in an extension on the second floor. Through the windows of it one can almost hear the click of the billiard balls, and a voice saying, “Hold on, father, you had your shot.”
The Rival Churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph
THE CHURCH OF St. Asaph, more properly call St. Asaph’s in the Fields, stands among the elm trees of Plutoria Avenue opposite the university, its tall spire pointing to the blue sky. Its rector is fond of saying that it seems to him to point, as it were, a warning against the sins of a commercial age. More particularly does he say this in his Lenten services at noonday, when the businessmen sit in front of him in rows, their bald heads uncovered and their faces stamped with contrition as they think of mergers that they should have made, and real estate that they failed to buy for lack of faith.
The ground on which St. Asaph’s stands is worth seven dollars and a half a foot. The mortgagees, as they kneel in prayer in their long frock-coats, feel that they have built upon a rock. It is a beautifully appointed church. There are windows with priceless stained glass that were imported from Normandy, the rector himself swearing out the invoices to save the congregation the grievous burden of the customs duty. There is a pipe organ in the transept that cost ten thousand dollars to install. The debenture-holders, as they join in the morning anthem, love to hear the dulcet notes of the great organ and to reflect that it is as good as new. Just behind the church is St. Asaph’s Sunday School, with a ten-thousand dollar mortgage of its own. And below that again on the side street, is the building of the Young Men’s Guild with a bowling-alley and a swimming-bath deep enough to drown two young men at a time, and a billiard-room with seven tables. It is the rector’s boast that with a Guild House such as that there is no need for any young man of the congregation to frequent a saloon. Nor is there.
And on Sunday mornings, when the great organ plays, and the mortgagees and the bond-holders and the debenture-holders and the Sunday school teachers and the billiard-markers all lift up their voices together, there is emitted from St. Asaph’s a volume of praise that is practically as fine and effective as paid professional work.
