Delphi complete works of.., p.258
Delphi Complete Works of Stephen Leacock, page 258
“As the Countess thus sat at one side of the vast shaded lawn of The Chase, she became aware that Lord Flop was moving across the grass to join her. She realized that he was taking advantage of her momentary isolation in order to seek the tête-à-tête that for some time past she had at once dreaded and desired.
“The moment was opportune for Lord Flop.
“The Honorable Edward de Montmorency was at the tennis net with the Honorable Bertie de Courtenay. The Honorable Eleanor de Longshank was idly chatting with the Honorable Alicia de Bourg, whose father, Lord Bughouse, had just retired to the cool shades of the library, while Lord Lush had just challenged the Baron de Pâté de Foie Gras and the Vicomte du Plat du Jour to a three-handed game of pin ball in the ancestral billiard room.
“Lord Flop drew near and dropped upon one knee.
“ ’Lady Mush,’ he murmured, ‘Isobel, let me press my suit!’
“ ’Nay, nay,’ cried the Countess, ‘do not press it yet. Wait a little longer.’
“ ’Not so,’ pleaded Lord Flop, ‘hear me and flee not, Isobel, I have waited long already; my love for you — —’
“The Countess put her hands to her ears. ‘Not yet, Charles,’ she exclaimed, ‘not yet. Wait but a little while — a year.’
“ ’Alas!’ murmured Lord Flop, ‘I have waited two years already.’
“ ’Make it three, I beg,’ pleaded the Countess.
“Lord Flop rose. ‘Be it so,’ he said, gloomily, and then, his head bowed, he moved mournfully away among the elms.”
“Oh, gee!” murmurs Sophy, as she reluctantly puts the book back on the shelf and hops off the stool to serve a chocolate eclair, “ain’t that the life!”
The Countess Isobel
But meantime the Countess — that is to say if she were a real one — having told Lord Flop that he must yet wait three years, has retired to her boudoir — done in blue and white, with pictures by Watteau — and there, throwing herself into a chair, is able to forget her perplexities in the fascinating pages of a new novel just from New York, in which she reads — what? This:
“That next night when Maggie came out of the drug store, Billy was there waiting for her.
“ ’Gee!’ he said, ‘you’re some kid! You certainly look good to me.’
“ ’Garn,’ she snapped, giving him a smack over the mouth with a banana skin, ‘don’t pull that stuff on me. I wasn’t born yesterday, see!’
“ ’Honest, kid,’ said Billy, ‘I mean it, see — —’
“ ’Cheese it,’ Maggie exclaimed, and gave him a smack over the face. ‘I’m sick of that love stuff.’
“Billy grabbed her by the arm and gave it a sharp twist behind her back. ‘You wanta drop that rough stuff, see! I tell you I’m all stuck on youse and you gotta marry me, see, you gotta!’
“He gave the girl’s arm another twist, till she cried out with pain.
“ ’Lemme go!’ she half shrieked, half sobbed.
“He loosed her arm for a moment.
“Maggie leaped back and gave him a kick on the shins. ‘I don’t love yer!’ she said.
“ ’You do!’ he rejoined fiercely, grabbing her by the ear.
“ ’Leggo me ear!’ she yelled, driving her fist against his eye.
“ ’Will yer marry me, then?’ he said fiercely.
“ ’I guess I gotta,’ she replied humbly, her pride tamed.”
“Ah!” sighed the Countess, as she put down the book, “how wonderful life like that must be.”
II
The Archdeacon Goes To Sea
Now let us take another example. Seated in an armchair in the quiet study of his home, Archdeacon Paunch has picked up a book to read. The archdeacon is known over half a continent as one of the leading scholars and greatest preachers of his day. In fact, his published sermons have had an enormous vogue. But at present he has snatched a quiet half hour from the heart of a busy day and has settled down in his study chair with a volume of his favorite literature. Which is — what? It runs like this: —
“ ’Man the lee braces!’ shouted the captain, his voice heard even above the roaring of the storm and the rattling of the canvas. ‘Down helm and bring her up to the wind! Cut away the jib halliards! Stand by to cut away the foreshrouds, if the foremast goes. Steady now, hold her there!’
“The ship lay almost on her beam ends, the sudden fury of the gale howling in the rigging and slatting the canvas with a roar like that of artillery. The sea had not yet risen to its height, but even now great waves began to leap over the forward rail and flood along the deck. The crew were huddled under the windward bulwark, with axes ready to cut away the shrouds. The maintopsail had been blown from its bolt ropes and streamed in tatters to the rising gale. The foretopgallantmast had broken off short and hung in a raffle to leeward.
“For a few moments it seemed as if the great ship was doomed. But no — the superb seamanship of Captain Bilgewater was pitted against the fury of the elements. With the helm hard down and the lee afterbraces sheeted home on the main and mizzen, she reached gradually into the wind, righting as she came.
“ ’Saved!’ cried the captain, as the gallant vessel lifted herself with the wind.
“But at that very moment — —”
Yes, at that very moment there came a knock at the study door and the archdeacon, recognizing the signal that called him back to work, reluctantly laid aside the volume called “Upside Down in the Ocean,” and resumed his laborious day.
Captain Bilgewater Goes Ashore
And meantime, somewhere away out on the South Atlantic Ocean, or the Indian Ocean — it doesn’t matter — it is night time and there is quite a storm blowing around the sailing ship, Pride of Nantucket, outward bound for Thibet.
The wind howls, but down in his bunk, with a whale-oil light to see by, and with the roar of the waves and the heaving of the ship entirely disregarded, Captain Bilgewater, the real Captain Bilgewater, is reading. This:
“It may be questioned, therefore, whether the second book of Daniel, as explained in an earlier part of my sermon, is intended as a continuation of the third book of Ezekiel or vice versa. The account of the Hittites given in each shows a complete similarity, but on the other hand the lack of all reference by Ezekiel to the valley of Moab, or even to the Jordan itself, makes us doubt whether the writing is not perhaps of an earlier date — —”
At which point a furious pounding on the deck over the captain’s head gave the call for “All Hands!” and the captain with a sigh marked the place in his volume of Sermons by Archdeacon Paunch and reluctantly drew on his sea boots for the coming struggle.
III
Clarence and The Bootlegger
“Gee!” said Clarence, as he and Desmond sat up in bed reading “Hull Down on the Horizon, or Ned Fearless Captured by Bootleggers.” “Listen to this, ain’t this great?”
“From the deck of the bootlegging craft, The Amendment, they could now see that the U. S. Cutter was rapidly approaching, a great crest of foam rising in front of her bows while the smoke streamed behind her in the breeze.
“ ’Bang, bang!’ went her two forward guns and simultaneously two shells bracketed the Amendment, casting a great splash of foam on both the larboard and the starboard bows.
“ ’Get ready the gun!’ yelled the bootlegger captain, livid with anger, with a ferocious oath that caused young Ned Fearless, who thus found himself against his will resisting the navy of his own country, to turn away his head with a blush.
“The chase was now fast and furious, but the end could not long be delayed.
“The Amendment, in spite of her magnificent build and powerful engines, was loaded down with twenty thousand twenty-six ounce bottles of Scotch whiskey worth four dollars apiece in Quebec and fifteen dollars each in New Orleans. Her speed was crippled, while the thought of what she carried roused the crew of the United States Coastal Cutter to a frenzy of indignation.
“A third shell from the cutter crashed through the upper gear of the Amendment.
“ ’Get ready the gun again!’ yelled the skipper, while the crew, half reluctant, began tearing off the tarpaulins from the long four-inch gun camouflaged at the stern of the vessel.
“The moment was critical.
“Ned Fearless stepped forward and picked up an iron handspike. ‘Stop loading that gun!’ he shouted. ‘Captain Seashell, if a man on this boat fires a shot against the American flag, I’ll brain him on the spot.’
“Quick as lightning and with another oath worse than the last one, Captain Seashell drew a revolver and leveled it at Ned.
“But in that instant a sudden puff of smoke and a roar from the cutter’s gun — —”
(To be continued in the next number)
“Ah, gee!” said Desmond. “It’s ended. I wonder what’s going to happen next? Ain’t it queer how the stories always end in an exciting place? I hope Ned is too quick for that bootlegger.”
The Bootlegger and the Bed Time Story
And meantime, somewhere down on the placid Gulf of Mexico where it is always afternoon, a real bootlegger is sitting in the sunshine on the deck of his craft reading. He is seated in the cozy hollow of a couple of casks of brandy with his feet away up on the ship’s rail. It is the drowsy hour of the day when all is peace, while the rippled waters of the gulf scarcely rock the ship, and the soft wind hardly fills the murmuring canvas. And the bootlegger read — what?
Bed Time Story No. 7620
“So next day when the two boys came to the Hollow Tree, Wee Wee, the white mouse, wasn’t there. They looked all around in the tall grass and under the sticks, but not a trace of Wee Wee could they see. High up in the air old Mr. Hoverhigh, the hawk, looked down and, of course, he knew where Wee Wee was, but the boys didn’t. And away up in the top of the elm tree, Cheep Cheep, the chipmunk, could see and he knew, but, of course, he wasn’t going to tell either. . . .”
And just at that moment one of the crew slouched over across the deck. “Bill,” he said, “get up and get busy. Here’s a motor launch coming out for her load.”
“Darn!” said the bootlegger as he left the bright world of romance for the cruel existence of the working day.
Overhauling the Encyclopedia
HOW TO MAKE it Bigger, Brighter, Brainier
It seems that the year 1930 is going to be a year of encyclopedias, judging at least by the number of new editions just from the press.
If this is so, the moment is ripe for a little discussion of the encyclopedia question. A few timely suggestions to the editors and publishers might be of great assistance before they go to press. Personally, I can properly claim the right to give a little advice of this sort. My encyclopedia is my constant friend. I spend many a dreamy hour buried in its pages. I never go out to dinner without first hunting up a few topics of conversation in it, and when it says a thing, I believe it.
But even at that, I think it could be improved.
In the first place, I’d like to suggest that the new encyclopedia ought to begin with Z. We have all got pretty well fed up with A. We know it too well. Everybody who buys an encyclopedia always begins with reading up the letter A, and each time he stops and starts over he begins with A again.
Thus the other night at dinner, anxious to make conversation with the lady next to me, I said:
“Your mentioning the month of April reminds me of a rather curious fact in connection with the letter A. It appears that this letter of ours corresponds with the first symbol of the Phœnician alphabet, and represents not a vowel, but merely a breathing.”
“Indeed,” she replied, “and has not the form of the letter varied considerably? It was, unless I am wrong, in the earliest of the Phœnician, Aramaic, and Greek inscriptions (the oldest Phœnician dating from, perhaps, 1000 b.c.) The letter rests upon its side. But as borrowed by the Romans, it very early assumed an upright form.”
“Quite so,” I interposed, “as, for instance, in the inscription on a golden fibula — —”
“Found, I believe, at Prœneste,” she added, “in the year 1886.”
“Exactly,” I answered with some warmth, “but not differing markedly from the letter A in the inscription unearthed in the Roman Forum — —”
“In 1899,” she said with a sigh, and then added: “It seems a little sad, does it not, to think that the upright form of the A never seems to have been found in the early Bœotian and Locrian dialects of Greek — —”
“Or only sporadically,” I said, after which there was silence.
To break it, I turned to my neighbor on the other side.
“You were in Europe this summer, were you not? Did you visit the river Aa?”
“Yes,” she replied. “We went all the way from Aalberg to Aalen, though as a matter of fact the name Aa is applied to a number of small European rivers and is perhaps derived from the old German Aha!”
“Which, I imagine,” I replied, “is cognate to the Latin Aqua.” But I spoke without any great enthusiasm. I realized that I was blocked on both sides. When I get my new encyclopedia, I am going to talk about the River Zizz, and the alarming growth of zymotic diseases. That ought to prove the last word.
Another little bit of advice that I want to give the encyclopedia editors is to suggest that they cut out all this see — see — business. All readers will know what I mean. You no sooner get started reading something in the encyclopedia than it immediately says: see something else. Thus ——
Napoleon, the greatest general of modern times (see Time), was born at Ajaccio in Corsica (turn to Corsica and see Ajaccio). He was educated at the Royal Military School at Brienne, where he showed a marked talent for mathematics (see Long Division). Entering the French Army at the outbreak of the Revolution (see it), Bonaparte rose rapidly in rank. His victory over the English at Toulon (see Toulon and have a laugh at the English) earned him promotion. In 1798 he invaded Italy at the head of a French army and in a few months the plains of Lombardy lay at his feet (see Feet). He was made First Consul of the Republic (see Republic, Public, Public House, Publication, and Publishers) and in 1804 Emperor. Within ten years he conquered all Europe (see All Europe); but his crushing defeat by the Scotch at Waterloo (see Scotch, Hot Scotch, Gin and Soda) led to his exile at St. Helena (see Helen of Troy). Here he died in 1821. His remains were afterwards removed to Paris, where they lie in a stately sarcophagus in the Invalides (see Sarcophagus, Oesophagus, Paris, Invalid, Invalid Chair, etc., etc.).
Now one has to admit that that kind of thing gets tiresome. There is no time to “see” all these things. Any reader who really looked them up would never get any further. And yet they constantly tempt the reader in an alluring way into sidepaths and on into the woods.
How much better to let the article itself do all the telling. Let me illustrate it by showing how to write an encyclopedia article on the United States. Any editor who cares to use this article may have it in return for a complete set of his encyclopedia, a gold watch and a handsome lady’s hatpin — or any lady’s hatpin.
The United States, a republic of North America situated between the twentieth and the forty-ninth parallels of north latitude. By latitude is meant an imaginary circular line drawn around the earth at a fixed angular distance from the equator. The equator means a great circle described around the globe at right angles to its axis. An axis means anything on which anything turns, such as, for example, the wheels of a wagon. The use of the wagon is very ancient. We read in Diodorus Siculus that the ancient Etruscans made use of wagons whose wheels were made by sawing through the trunks of trees. In many parts of the ancient world trees grew to an enormous size and height, as for example the cedars of Lebanon, which were the admiration of antiquity and were of vast longevity. The best-known example of longevity actually recorded is that of Thomas Parr, or “Old Parr,” who is said to have lived from the reign of Henry VIII to that of Charles II and who is buried in Westminster Abbey. The abbey itself is a magnificent building, Norman in its original conception, but owing much to the later genius of Inigo Jones. Jones may be regarded as perhaps the greatest of the Italian architects of the Renaissance, though his work in London is overshadowed by the more numerous and fortunate creations of the great Sir Christopher Wren. The wren is a small bird found throughout the northern hemisphere, especially in Europe and in the United States. The United States is a republic of North America situated between the twentieth and forty-ninth parallels — and there you are round again.
To make the article complete, it is only necessary to add: (See Latitude, Equator, Axis, Tree, Longevity, Abbey, Jones, and Wren).
Jazzled Journalism
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN if the Specialty Writers Changed Jobs
Few people realize the amount of care and thought and brains that has been put into the newspapers that we toss so carelessly aside. Few people realize how highly trained, how highly specialized is the talent that goes to build them up, feature by feature, page by page and section by section.
Here is a whole staff of writers, a little army, every one of whom represents expert knowledge and exercised art. Here is the work of a man with twenty years knowledge of the stock exchange behind him; on the next page some gifted woman shows in correspondence with despairing lovers her knowledge of the human heart. Here is a page of fashions that imply an intimate knowledge of Parisian taste: a column of jokes that carry us back to Ancient Egypt: a diplomatic editorial the writer of which ought to have been a prime minister; and so on through the list.
The careless reader buried of a Sunday morning along with his coffee and toast among the sheets of his vast Sunday edition thinks little of all this.
But just suppose that by some odd chance of fate the faultless machinery broke down, suppose the staff writers in some way got mixed up and changed places. What then? The reader would very soon realize how wonderful is the intellectual adjustment when he got results such as here follow.
