Delphi complete works of.., p.198
Delphi Complete Works of Stephen Leacock, page 198
This girl, charming as she appeared externally, — we went no further than that, — was obviously unfitted for matrimony. Indeed we should strongly advise every young lover to see to it that no girl, suffering from ignorance of this sort, is wished upon him. The lover should first elicit by a little gentle questioning just what is the state of knowledge of his prospective bride. He may frame his questions with a tenderness calculated to allay any possible alarm: such as:— “Whisper to me, darling, what do you take to be the primary functions of the liver?” or, “Tell me, dearest, what are the premonitory symptoms of coagulation of the head?”
If the anxious lover does not feel in himself the ability to elicit or to impart this knowledge without help he may very properly call to his aid the services of an examination paper as set in any medical college. In this he need only insert a few suitable terms of endearment and the aim is achieved at once. His questionnaire, for example, might take this form: —
1. Indicate as briefly as possible, darling, the location and functions of the sebaceous glands.
2. Tell me, in your own bright way, the names of the bones of the head, and then give me a kiss.
3. What do you take to be the premonitory symptoms, sweetheart, of locomotor ataxia and what would my darling do if I got it?
But it would be greatly to be preferred that no such test would be necessary. We should advise for every young girl who is thinking of marriage a proper course of preparation. We would suggest that she read first of all Gray’s Anatomy, supplementing it with Archibald on the Diseases of the Bones: to this she might add Adami on Pathology, Todd on Parasitology and any standard text on locomotor ataxia. If in addition to this the girl has learned something of sanitation, of the elements of sewerage and the disposal of garbage, she then becomes one with whom any young man should be proud to share his home, — especially the cellar and the plumbing.
Nor should the youth himself be ignorant. His body of course he must know from A to Z. He should be able to tell offhand, how many toes he has, the location of his ears, the number of vertebræ in his spine, the measurement of his facial angle, the spanal content of his skull and the width of his mouth. These things go without saying. But in addition to this no young man should hurry into marriage without some acquaintance with the world and especially with business and money. We met a young man the other day, — we are always meeting them when we least expect it, — hoping to get married shortly and yet absolutely ignorant of the Federal Reserve system, and the composition of Index Numbers and the rise and fall of the exchanges. We at once put in his hands Gustav Kassel’s Arithmetic of the Exchanges and Professor J. M. Keynes’s Incubation of a Monetary Standard. We were just in time. He decided not to get married.
Courtship, its Conduct and its Etiquette
But let us suppose these preliminary difficulties overcome. Imagine our young people as having reached the age of marriage and properly equipped with the necessary knowledge for the marriage state. What Next?
There follows then the period of love and courtship, admittedly the most blissful phase of human existence. The young lover though he has selected his mate has not yet ventured to declare himself. He is filled with hopes and fears, with alternating exaltation and despair. At one moment he is in the heights: at another he is in the depths. He goes away up and then away down. He oscillates to and fro, at one instant he is hurled forward, at another he is shot backward. At times again he is whirled sideways and thrown edgeways or left sticking wrong side up. How must the lover conduct himself during this period of violent emotion? How must his time be spent? What can he do to absorb the terrific shocks which come at him one after the other?
We have no hesitation in answering this enquiry. All the authorities on the subject are agreed upon the point. The young lover must spend his time in immediate communion with nature. Fleeing the crowded haunts of man he must go and bury himself in the forest; there in the heart of the woods he must lie prone upon his back looking upwards at the sky and thinking what a worm he is. Or he must climb to the height of the mountains and stand upon a dizzy crag letting the wind blow through his hair. While doing this he must reflect how little it would matter if the wind blew him into fragments and carried him away. In all weathers he must sally forth. He must let the storm buffet him. He must let the rain beat upon his brow. He must take crack after crack of lightning right on his neck.
Just why he must do these things we are not prepared to say. But we know that only in this way can the lover get himself into that attitude of humility and ecstasy which can make him worthy of his adored.
This course of conduct having been admitted, by generations of poets and lovers, to be absolutely compulsory, we venture in our manual to simplify it a little by reducing it to a routine. In this way the young lover who might have had some doubts as to where and how to begin can undertake his duties in a systematic way.
Schedule of the Perfect Lover’s Day
5.30 Dawn
Rise from a sleepless night.
6.00
Lave himself in a running brook, or if this is not possible, put his head under a tap.
6.30-7.30
Crag work on the hills.
8.00
Push aside his untasted breakfast.
8.30-12.00
Lie on stomach in long grass in meadow, poring on a book.
12 Noon
Returning for a moment to busy haunt of man or crowded mart (that is to say, going down town) catch sight, on the street for a moment, of adored object, and at once
12.30
beat it for the woods
12.30 till dark:
in the woods; alone with nature: penetrating to the heart of the woods, go and sit in frog pond, making a sound like a frog.
8.30-9.30
For one brief hour be with adored object: the outside world will see him nothing but a gentleman friend taking a lady friend for a ride on a street car: but really the buffeting and the oscillating and side-swinging is going on all the time just the same.
10 P. M.
A dash for the open. Get out under the stars. Count them. Wonder whether they are looking down on her also.
12 Midnight
Retire to sleepless night but before starting it, throw the casement wide and let the cool night wind slap the face.
We not only assert but we are willing to guarantee that this line of activity, systematically kept up for a month, will maintain the lover in the condition proper to his business. He will be brought nearer and nearer to the point at which he will stake his all on a proposal of marriage.
But meantime before we permit him to take this last step it is proper to consider the conduct of the object of his affections. What is she doing? How does she take it? Is she swinging back and forward and up and down and being impelled sideways in the same way as the young lover? Not quite.
For the young girl the first dawn of love is a period of doubt, of hesitating, of gentle fluttering to and fro. She needs guidance. Like a dove about to spread its wings on a far flight, she would fain ask herself whither this flight must lead. What sort of a flight is it going to be?
Nor is she willing to confess to herself that love has yet come to her? She does not know whether what she feels is love, or is something else. Her soul shrinks from the final avowal.
In this position, the girl needs beyond everything else, advice. And fortunately for her she can get it. In earlier times she was left to commune with her soul in the dark. Now she isn’t. All she has to do is to write to any reputable Saturday afternoon edition of a first-class paper and she can get advice and information suited to every stage of her incipient courtship. Each letter in which her timid soul reveals itself will be not only answered, but answered in print in a way calculated to gratify her whole circle of friends.
We need hardly say, therefore, that in preparing our manual we have devoted very especially attention to correspondence of this sort. We have endeavoured to reduce it like everything else to a systematic or general form, to make it as it were a type or pattern, from which the young girl seeking our aid (and we welcome her with open arms when she does it) may find complete guidance.
We append here one little series from the many samples of correspondence that might be offered. The details vary but the essential ideas are always the same. And we draw attention especially to the way in which the tender hesitating nature of the young girl is brought, under our guidance, to a full knowledge of herself. In fact, what we couldn’t teach her isn’t worth knowing.
The Tangled Problems of Love
As straightened out in the Correspondence
department of our manual
Letter No. 1 From our correspondent, Miss Lucinda Lovelorn, to ourselves. By the way, we named her. We know how to pick the names every time.
Two days ago I was introduced by a gentleman friend to a gentleman in a street car. Yesterday I met this second gentleman on the street and he asked me if I would walk with him afternoons. I do not know yet whether I love him as I have only seen him on a street car. Perhaps you can tell me whether it would be right for me to walk with him afternoons and whether there would be anything unladylike in my doing so. If I walk with him is it proper to walk on the left side of a gentleman or does the lady walk on the right side.
Letter No. 2 From ourselves to Lucinda
Yes, we think you may safely accept the invitation to walk with your new friend afternoons. Whether you walk on his left side or his right will depend on circumstances. If he has lost his left eye you walk on his right side, otherwise you have your pick of sides.
But remember, Lucinda, that you must let him see from your manner at the very first that your feeling for him is purely one of wholesome camaraderie and nothing further. Without being cold to him, put into your manner just that little touch of hauteur and that suspicion of eloignement that will let him realize that you are a lady.
In other words we mean don’t let him start anything. Do you get us?
Letter No. 3 From Lucinda to us
The gentleman friend with which I have been talking afternoons asked me if he might call mornings and also take me out nights. I do not know whether I love him yet although he is a good dresser. Will it be all right if I let him take me pictures nights. Till now whenever gentleman friends have taken me places evenings Mother has been along. If I go with this party pictures do you think that I compromise myself and if it was you would you have mother along.
Letter No. 4 From us to Lucinda
We have thought over your sweet letter very deeply, dear Lucinda, because we realize how perplexed and troubled you are. On the whole we think that you may now safely go out at night with your new friend but remember that in granting him this privilege you must let him know that you have in no way ceased to be a lady. It would be necessary for you to resist in a dignified way any undue advances that he may make. We would suggest that you carry a tack hammer along with you and if your new friend starts anything let him have it on the bean. And by the way let us know what he does about the advances. We are always interested in that sort of thing.
We note further, that you ask whether, if it was we, we should want your mother along. No, dear, we wouldn’t.
Letter No. 5 From Lucinda to us
Since I wrote you last the gentleman friend of which I spoke took me out twice nights. I do not know whether I love him dearly yet but he is to have an increase of salary from his firm because he is an A. 1. salesman. The last time we went out he asked me if I liked lobsters because if I did he knew where they had a good lobster place but I said no because I thought that a party respects a girl more if she refuses lobsters gentlemen. All the time we were out he behaved just like a perfect gentleman and didn’t do anything. Do you think that if he asks me again it would be all right to let him give me lobsters nights?
Letter No. 6 From us to Lucinda
We are glad to learn that your evening outing with your friend was so successful. And it is nice to think that he did not make any wrong advances at all, but behaved like a perfect gentleman.
But when it comes to this lobster stuff, you touch on something that we know and on which we speak with the greatest firmness. It is not proper for you to accept a lobster unless you have reason to believe that in giving it he is asking you to share his life.
The time has come for you, dear little girl, to be very firm. You must ask your gentleman friend to come home with you to your house and meet your mother. If he is a man, he will do it. But if he shrinks from it and offers you a lobster instead then it is clear that he has been trifling with your heart — and you must let him go. You will suffer a little mal de cœur but so you would if you took the lobster. On the other hand if your firmness wins, you gain a husband and a home.
Hence our advice is, — go to it, Lucinda.
After we have carried on and concluded a correspondence such as this it is always a delight for us to receive a final letter, effervescent in happiness, stating that the proposal has been made and accepted and asking what presents and how many presents a girl may accept from a gentleman to whom she is engaged.
And, what is always a strange reflection to us, is, that this gentleman friend with the lobsters is the very same person as the young lover beating it up and down in the woods: — the same person, only seen in different aspects.
The Proposal of Marriage
But we are running on a little too fast. We have run clear over the proposal of marriage, the most important, the most thrilling item of the whole manual of love.
In what way, we are asking and we ask back, should a proposal of marriage be made. Now we readily admit that the proposal of marriage is most frequently made by direct speech, in short by word of mouth. This may have certain advantages in the way of directness, rapidity and ease of ratification. But we cannot but feel that it lacks much in symmetry, harmony, and all-round completeness. We therefore favour entirely the proposal of marriage by means of a written letter. This allows the lover to state his feelings so definitely and so finally that a refusal becomes difficult if not impossible.
For such a letter, however, it is not wise to rely upon the unaided imagination. Here again the use of a systematized form is greatly to be preferred. The general requirements for such a letter we are prepared to state in the following terms, which are based we may say on some of the greatest current authorities.
“In the perfect letter of proposal the young lover should first of all dwell upon the depth and sincerity of his love. He should express at the same time his esteem and appreciation of the family into which he hopes to have the honour of entering. And in conclusion in a manly and frank way he should say something about his own position in life and his prospects.”
On this basis we venture to suggest the following form:
Dear Miss Blank Blank:
Ever since I first had the honour of meeting you beside the sawdust pile behind the sawmill at the Y.M.C.A. picnic on the 18th June, Ult. I have realized that I entertain for you a feeling which is different from any feeling which I have hitherto entertained for anyone for whom I have entertained a feeling. Your coming into my life has brought something into my life which was not in my life before you brought it into my life. I cannot hope in any way to be worthy of you and the more I think of you the more I despise myself and realize that till I met you I had been moving steadily down, but that after I met you I went up and I think that with your help I could keep on going up and staying up. Since I met you I have also had the pleasure of meeting your mother and your father and I have learned to love and honour them. I think your father is too cute for anything. Didn’t he look just killing in that little velvet smoking jacket the other evening? My feelings toward your mother are also a matter which I think should give me an added claim to your favourable consideration. I myself never had a mother. But now that I have seen yours I am, in a way, glad.
My prospects in life are such as will at least enable me to maintain you as well as you are maintained now. My salary while not large will suffice to support you and to dress you in part at least which is all I dare ask at present. At my uncle’s death I expect to inherit a very comfortable personal fortune and it is clear therefore that in order to be in a satisfactory situation I have only to poison my uncle.
On all these grounds I venture to ask your hand in marriage and to request the favour of a reply at your early convenience to B. 606, Station B.
It is hardly necessary for us to indicate the correct form in which an answer to such a letter of proposal should be framed. The training in business correspondence now given to all young girls in our secondary schools makes such a composition a matter of extreme ease. But we might merely suggest that the normal and usual answer in the best circles runs as follows:
Dear Sir:
Yours of the 18th instant to hand and contents noted and in reply would say that I accept your proposal F.O.B. this city, and will take delivery of goods at any time. Love and kisses from your loving
Lucinda
The Physiology of Love
While we were discussing above the question of what young people ought to know in regard to their œsophagi and so forth, it occurred to us that we might append to this discussion a further treatment of the physiology of love. We said nothing about it at the moment but we went on thinking about it. The topic sounded daring but that wasn’t really the aspect of it that we had in mind. Our notion was, and is, to use it in a literary way for the general brightening of fiction. It seemed to us that modern fiction already owed much to the physiologist and might with advantage go still further in the same direction.
