Delphi complete works of.., p.419
Delphi Complete Works of Stephen Leacock, page 419
And said, “You mustn’t judge yourself too heavily, my dear:
“It’s wrong to murder babies, little corals for to fleece;
But sins like these one expiates at half-a-crown apiece.”
“Girls will be girls — you’re very young, and flighty in your mind;
Old heads upon young shoulders we must not expect to find,
We mustn’t be too hard upon these little girlish tricks.
Let’s see — five crimes at half-a-crown — exactly twelve and six.”
But Alice now confesses to her improper conduct in connection with the young sorter. Father Paul is, of course, horrified at the idea of the robber’s daughter falling in love outside of the bandit class into respectable society. That kind of thing would mean the end of crime and confessional fees. However, it all ends happily. Father Paul communicates at once with Robber Brown who goes after the young sorter without delay.
He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban square;
He watched his opportunity and seized him unaware;
He took a life-preserver and he hit him on the head,
And Mrs. Brown dissected him before she went to bed.
Observe the last line.
Mrs. Brown dissected him before she went to bed.
This is another example of that apparently open “brutality” which offended Mark Lemon when the Nancy Bell’s cook was tipped into the pot, boiled and eaten! Here we have Mrs. Brown, sitting quietly at her dissection, carefully separating the os femoris from the patella, and laying aside the articular cartilege for later disposal. This sounds very horrible if you really think of it. But the point is you don’t think about it. We have a sort of compartment in our minds, evoluted for our protection, to keep actuality and fun apart. I admit that if you push too hard on the partition it will give way. The boiling of the cook is at too high pressure for most of us. I remember, also, the story of a funeral of a locomotive engineer who had been scalded to death. The clergyman spoke of him to the mourners as “our ‘steemed friend.” That, I always found a little bit thick — with steam.
But good Mrs. Brown and her dissection may pass for another reason; namely, the excellence of the phrase, “before she went to bed.” The “Bab” Ballads and the Gilbert and Sullivan operas are filled with those happy phrases which people loved to quote, though probably few people could explain just exactly why. The point here is the beautiful domesticity of the phrase. It belongs in family life. It suggests one of those domestic tasks which no good housewife likes to leave undone over night. She always gets all her dishes washed and her kitchen tidy every night. And so good Mrs. Brown felt that she must get her dissecting done “before she went to bed.”
Probably many people will agree that the most sustained effort, the most finished satire and the most exquisite flow of verse in the “Bab” Ballads is found in the poem Etiquette. This was not one of the original ballads of Fun. It was written years later for a Christmas number of the Graphic. But Gilbert himself gathered it into the large volume of early ballads and later songs which he collected in 1897 as the “Bab” Ballads, etc.
I was about to say that here, at any rate, we have a poem with none of those disfiguring details of horror of which we have just spoken. But I notice on looking again that the poem starts off with the wholesale drowning of an entire ship’s company, including the owners. Still, that’s nothing. It’s not the point of the poem and, as Gilbert himself says, they were all insured.
The underlying satire of the poem turns on the aloofness of English manners, the impossibility of knowing anybody that you don’t know. But its great merit lies in the smooth perfection of its lines, which seem so effortless and so inevitable, the last word in comic verse.
The Short Stories
Sutton, a suburban community near Lake Simcoe in Ontario, Canada — when Leacock was six, he came out with his family to Canada, where they settled on a farm near Sutton.
View of Lake Simcoe
List of Short Stories in Chronological Order
Please note: to retain the original structure of story collections, some tales appear more than once in the list.
MY FINANCIAL CAREER
LORD OXHEAD’S SECRET
BOARDING-HOUSE GEOMETRY
THE AWFUL FATE OF MELPOMENUS JONES
A CHRISTMAS LETTER
HOW TO MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS
HOW TO LIVE TO BE 200
HOW TO AVOID GETTING MARRIED
HOW TO BE A DOCTOR
THE NEW FOOD
A NEW PATHOLOGY
THE POET ANSWERED
THE FORCE OF STATISTICS
MEN WHO HAVE SHAVED ME
GETTING THE THREAD OF IT
TELLING HIS FAULTS
WINTER PASTIMES
THE SUBURBAN TROLLEY CAR
NUMBER FIFTY-SIX
ARISTOCRATIC EDUCATION
THE CONJURER’S REVENGE
HINTS TO TRAVELLERS
A MANUAL OF EDUCATION
HOODOO MCFIGGIN’S CHRISTMAS
THE LIFE OF JOHN SMITH
ON COLLECTING THINGS
SOCIETY CHAT-CHAT
INSURANCE UP TO DATE
BORROWING A MATCH
A LESSON IN FICTION
HELPING THE ARMENIANS
A STUDY IN STILL LIFE. — THE COUNTRY HOTEL
AN EXPERIMENT WITH POLICEMAN HOGAN
THE PASSING OF THE POET
SELF-MADE MEN
A MODEL DIALOGUE
BACK TO THE BUSH
REFLECTIONS ON RIDING
SALOONIO
HALF-HOURS WITH THE POETS
A, B, AND C
MADDENED BY MYSTERY: OR, THE DEFECTIVE DETECTIVE
Q. A PSYCHIC PSTORY OF THE PSUPERNATURAL
GUIDO THE GIMLET OF GHENT: A ROMANCE OF CHIVALRY
GERTRUDE THE GOVERNESS: OR, SIMPLE SEVENTEEN
A HERO IN HOMESPUN: OR, THE LIFE STRUGGLE OF HEZEKIAH HAYLOFT
SORROWS OF A SUPER SOUL: OR, THE MEMOIRS OF MARIE MUSHENOUGH
HANNAH OF THE HIGHLANDS: OR, THE LAIRD OF LOCH AUCHERLOCHERTY
SOAKED IN SEAWEED: OR, UPSET IN THE OCEAN (AN OLD-FASHIONED SEA STORY.)
CAROLINE’S CHRISTMAS: OR, THE INEXPLICABLE INFANT
THE MAN IN ASBESTOS: AN ALLEGORY OF THE FUTURE
THE HOSTELRY OF MR. SMITH
THE SPECULATIONS OF JEFFERSON THORPE
THE MARINE EXCURSIONS OF THE KNIGHTS OF PYTHIAS
THE MINISTRATIONS OF THE REV. MR. DRONE
THE WHIRLWIND CAMPAIGN IN MARIPOSA
THE BEACON ON THE HILL
THE EXTRAORDINARY ENTANGLEMENT OF MR. PUPKIN
THE FORE-ORDAINED ATTACHMENT OF ZENA PEPPERLEIGH AND PETER PUPKIN
THE MARIPOSA BANK MYSTERY
THE GREAT ELECTION IN MISSINABA COUNTY
THE CANDIDACY OF MR. SMITH
L’ENVOI. THE TRAIN TO MARIPOSA
BEHIND THE BEYOND
FAMILIAR INCIDENTS
PARISIAN PASTIMES
THE RETROACTIVE EXISTENCE OF MR. JUGGINS
MAKING A MAGAZINE (THE DREAM OF A CONTRIBUTOR)
HOMER AND HUMBUG
A LITTLE DINNER WITH MR. LUCULLUS FYSHE
THE WIZARD OF FINANCE
THE ARRESTED PHILANTHROPY OF MR. TOMLINSON
THE YAHI-BAHI ORIENTAL SOCIETY OF MRS. RASSELYER-BROWN
THE LOVE STORY OF MR. PETER SPILLIKINS
THE RIVAL CHURCHES OF ST. ASAPH AND ST. OSOPH
THE MINISTRATIONS OF THE REV. UTTERMUST DUMFARTHING
THE GREAT FIGHT FOR CLEAN GOVERNMENT
SPOOF. A THOUSAND-GUINEA NOVEL. NEW! FASCINATING! PERPLEXING!
THE READING PUBLIC. A BOOK STORE STUDY
AFTERNOON ADVENTURES AT MY CLUB
RAM SPUDD THE NEW WORLD SINGER.
ARISTOCRATIC ANECDOTES OR LITTLE STORIES OF GREAT PEOPLE
EDUCATION MADE AGREEABLE OR THE DIVERSIONS OF A PROFESSOR
AN EVERY-DAY EXPERIENCE
TRUTHFUL ORATORY
OUR LITERARY BUREAU
SPEEDING UP BUSINESS
WHO IS ALSO WHO
PASSIONATE PARAGRAPHS
WEEJEE THE PET DOG
SIDELIGHTS ON THE SUPERMEN
THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST
THE FIRST NEWSPAPER
IN THE GOOD TIME AFTER THE WAR
PREFACE
FOLLIES IN FICTION
STORIES SHORTER STILL
SNOOPOPATHS; OR, FIFTY STORIES IN ONE
FOREIGN FICTION IN IMPORTED INSTALMENTS.
MADELINE OF THE MOVIES: A PHOTOPLAY DONE BACK INTO WORDS
THE CALL OF THE CARBURETTOR, OR, MR. BLINKS AND HIS FRIENDS
THE TWO SEXES IN FIVES OR SIXES. A DINNER-PARTY STUDY
THE GRASS BACHELOR’S GUIDE. WITH SINCERE APOLOGIES TO THE LADIES’ PERIODICALS
EVERY MAN AND HIS FRIENDS. MR. CRUNCH’S PORTRAIT GALLERY (AS EDITED FROM HIS PRIVATE THOUGHTS)
MORE THAN TWICE-TOLD TALES; OR, EVERY MAN HIS OWN HERO
A STUDY IN STILL LIFE — MY TAILOR
GERMANY FROM WITHIN OUT
ABDUL AZIZ HAS HIS: AN ADVENTURE IN THE YILDIZ KIOSK
IN MERRY MEXICO
OVER THE GRAPE JUICE; OR, THE PEACEMAKERS
THE WHITE HOUSE FROM WITHOUT IN
ARE THE RICH HAPPY?
HUMOUR AS I SEE IT
THE APOLOGY OF A PROFESSOR
THE DEVIL AND THE DEEP SEA A DISCUSSION OF MODERN MORALITY
LITERATURE AND EDUCATION IN AMERICA
AMERICAN HUMOUR
THE WOMAN QUESTION
THE LOT OF THE SCHOOLMASTER
FICTION AND REALITY A STUDY OF THE ART OF CHARLES DICKENS
THE AMAZING GENIUS OF O. HENRY
A REHABILITATION OF CHARLES II
MY REVELATIONS AS A SPY
FATHER KNICKERBOCKER: A FANTASY
THE PROPHET IN OUR MIDST
PERSONAL ADVENTURES IN THE SPIRIT WORLD
THE SORROWS OF A SUMMER GUEST
TO NATURE AND BACK AGAIN
THE CAVE-MAN AS HE IS
IDEAL INTERVIEWS
THE NEW EDUCATION
THE ERRORS OF SANTA CLAUS
LOST IN NEW YORK
THIS STRENUOUS AGE
THE OLD, OLD STORY OF HOW FIVE MEN WENT FISHING
BACK FROM THE LAND
THE PERPLEXITY COLUMN AS DONE BY THE JADED JOURNALIST
SIMPLE STORIES OF SUCCESS, OR HOW TO SUCCEED IN LIFE
IN DRY TORONTO
MERRY CHRISTMAS
THE HOHENZOLLERNS IN AMERICA
PREFACE
CHAPTER I
CHAPTER II
CHAPTER III
CHAPTER IV
CHAPTER V
CHAPTER VI
WITH THE BOLSHEVIKS IN BERLIN
AFTERNOON TEA WITH THE SULTAN
ECHOES OF THE WAR
THE BOY WHO CAME BACK
THE WAR SACRIFICES OF MR. SPUGG
IF GERMANY HAD WON
WAR AND PEACE AT THE GALAXY CLUB
THE WAR NEWS AS I REMEMBER IT
SOME JUST COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE WAR
SOME STARTLING SIDE EFFECTS OF THE WAR
OTHER IMPOSSIBILITIES
THE ART OF CONVERSATION
HEROES AND HEROINES
THE DISCOVERY OF AMERICA; BEING DONE INTO MOVING PICTURES AND OUT AGAIN
POLITICS FROM WITHIN
THE LOST ILLUSIONS OF MR. SIMS
FETCHING THE DOCTOR: FROM RECOLLECTIONS OF CHILDHOOD IN THE CANADIAN COUNTRYSIDE
WINSOME WINNIE. OR, TRIAL AND TEMPTATION
JOHN AND I. OR, HOW I NEARLY LOST MY HUSBAND
THE SPLIT IN THE CABINET. OR, THE FATE OF ENGLAND
WHO DO YOU THINK DID IT? OR, THE MIXED-UP MURDER MYSTERY
BROKEN BARRIERS. OR, RED LOVE ON A BLUE ISLAND
THE KIDNAPPED PLUMBER. A TALE OF THE NEW TIME
THE BLUE AND THE GREY. A PRE-WAR WAR STORY
BUGGAM GRANGE. A GOOD OLD GHOST STORY
INTRODUCTION OF MR. STEPHEN LEACOCK GIVEN BY SIR OWEN SEAMAN ON THE OCCASION OF HIS FIRST LECTURE IN LONDON
THE BALANCE OF TRADE IN IMPRESSIONS
I AM INTERVIEWED BY THE PRESS
IMPRESSIONS OF LONDON
A CLEAR VIEW OF THE GOVERNMENT AND POLITICS OF ENGLAND
OXFORD AS I SEE IT
THE BRITISH AND THE AMERICAN PRESS
BUSINESS IN ENGLAND. WANTED — MORE PROFITEERS
IS PROHIBITION COMING TO ENGLAND?
WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT
HAVE THE ENGLISH ANY SENSE OF HUMOUR?
MY COLLEGE DAYS: A RETROSPECT
MY MEMORIES AND MISERIES AS A SCHOOLMASTER
LAUS VARSITATIS
THE OLDEST LIVING GRADUATE
THE FACULTY OF ARTS
ENGLISH AS SHE IS TAUGHT AT COLLEGE
LITTLE GLIMPSES OF THE COLLEGE FUTURE
A SUBSCRIPTION WITH REFLECTIONS
TORONTO AND MCGILL
THE CHILDREN’S CORNER
A SERMON ON COLLEGE HUMOUR
A CHRISTMAS EXAMINATION
IDLENESS
THE OLD COLLEGE AND THE NEW UNIVERSITY
THE DIVERSIONS OF A PROFESSOR OF HISTORY
CAST UP BY THE SEA. A SEA COAST MELODRAMA (AS THROWN UP FOR 30 CENTS) — PERIOD, 1880
THE SOUL CALL. AN UP-TO-DATE PIFFLE PLAY. PERIOD, 1923. (IN WHICH A MAN AND WOMAN, BOTH TRYING TO FIND THEMSELVES, FIND ONE ANOTHER)
DEAD MEN’S GOLD. A FILM OF THE GREAT NEVADA DESERT IN WHICH RED-BLOODED, ABLE-BODIED MEN AND WOMEN A HUNDRED PER CENT AMERICAN LIVE AND LOVE AMONG THE CACTUS AND CHAPARRAL. SOMETHING OF THE OZONE OF THE COW PASTURE MINGLED WITH THE GLOOM OF THE GREAT CANYONS BLOWS ALL THROUGH THIS PLAY.
OROASTUS — A GREEK TRAGEDY. (AS PRESENTED IN OUR COLLEGES)
THE SUB-CONTRACTOR. AN IBSEN PLAY. DONE OUT OF THE ORIGINAL NORWEGIAN WITH AN AXE.
HISTORICAL DRAMA
THE RUSSIAN DRAMA
THE PLATTER OF LIFE
PEOPLE WE MEET IN THE MOVIES. THE VAMPIRE WOMAN; AS MET IN THE MOVIES
THE RAFT: AN INTERLUDE
FIRST CALL FOR SPRING. — OR — . OH, LISTEN TO THE BIRDS
HOW I SUCCEEDED IN MY BUSINESS. SECRETS OF SUCCESS AS RELATED IN THE BEST CURRENT LITERATURE
THE DRY BANQUET
MY LOST DOLLAR
RADIO A NEW FORM OF TROUBLE
ROUGHING IT IN THE BUSH. MY PLANS FOR MOOSE HUNTING IN THE CANADIAN WILDERNESS
ABOLISHING THE HEROINE. (A PLEA THAT FEWER HEROINES AND MORE CRIMES WOULD ADD SPRIGHTLINESS TO OUR FICTION)
MY AFFAIR WITH MY LANDLORD
WHY I REFUSE TO PLAY GOLF
THE APPROACH OF THE COMET. DO YOU REALLY CARE IF IT HITS YOU?
PERSONAL EXPERIMENTS WITH THE BLACK BASS
L’ENVOI. THE FADED ACTOR
PREFACE. CONCERNING HUMOUR AND HUMOURISTS
THE SECRETS OF SUCCESS
THE HUMAN MIND UP TO DATE
THE HUMAN BODY — ITS CARE AND PREVENTION
THE PERFECT SALESMAN
ROMANCES OF BUSINESS
THE PERFECT LOVER’S GUIDE
THE RESTORATION OF WHISKERS
LITTLE GLIMPSES OF THE FUTURE IN AMERICA
MY UNPOSTED CORRESPONDENCE
LETTERS TO THE NEW RULERS OF THE WORLD
THE OUTLINES OF EVERYTHING
BROTHERLY LOVE AMONG THE NATIONS
STUDIES IN THE NEWER CULTURE
IN THE GOOD OLD SUMMERTIME
TRAVEL AND MOVEMENT
GREAT NATIONAL PROBLEMS
ROUND OUR CITY
THE CHRISTMAS GHOST
OLD JUNK AND NEW MONEY
SPEAKING OF INDIA — — WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR HUSBAND TELLS IN COMPANY HIS SAME OLD STORY
HOW TO BORROW MONEY THE PROCESS IS QUITE EASY, PROVIDED YOU BORROW ENOUGH
LIFE’S MINOR CONTRADICTIONS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THINGS AS THEY ARE AND AS THEY SEEM
A GREAT LIFE IN OUR MIDST JOE BROWN, CHAMPION PIE EATER
THE PERFECT GIFT A LITTLE STUDY IN THE ART OF TASTEFUL GIVING
SCENERY AND SIGNBOARDS A VISION OF TRAVEL FROM NEW YORK TO WASHINGTON
THE LIFE OF JOHN MUTATION SMITH HOW A TYPICAL CITIZEN OF TO-DAY MOVES THROUGH HIS EXISTENCE
INFERENCE AS AN ART HOW EVEN AN AMATEUR MAY FORGE A CHAIN OF LOGIC
OUR GET-TOGETHER MOVEMENT THE WAY WE HAVE ORGANIZED TO “GET TOGETHER” IN OUR TOWN
A LESSON ON THE LINKS THE APPLICATION OF MATHEMATICS TO GOLF
THE FAMILY AT FOOTBALL SHOWING HOW THE GREAT COLLEGE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME OF THE SEASON WAS VARIOUSLY REPORTED
LIFE IN THE OPEN REFLECTIONS VOUCHSAFED TO ME BY MY HOSTESS IN THE WILDERNESS
SAVE ME FROM MY FRIENDS
FROM MY FRIEND THE DEADBEAT
FROM MY FRIEND THE REPORTER
FROM MY FRIEND WITH A SPEECH TO MAKE
FROM MY FRIEND THE GUIDE
PEOPLE WE KNOW
THE MAN IN THE PULLMAN CAR
THE CRIMINAL BY PROXY
THE PEOPLE JUST BACK FROM EUROPE WHO NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT HOME
THE MAN WITH THE ADVENTURE STORY
A YEAR AT COLLEGE AS REVEALED IN THE NEWER COMIC JOURNALISM
THE UNINTELLIGENCE TEST WHAT A WELL-EQUIPPED MAN OUGHT TO KNOW
EASY WAYS TO SUCCESS A LETTER TO A PARLOR BOLSHEVIK JUST OUT OF COLLEGE
FUN AS AN AID TO BUSINESS IS A SENSE OF HUMOR A FINANCIAL ASSET?
THE STAMP-ALBUM WORLD THE HABITABLE GLOBE AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF THE JUVENILE COLLECTOR
IF ONLY WE HAD THE RADIO SOONER BROADCASTING THE NORMAN CONQUEST
WHAT THE RADIO OVERHEARD AN EVENING AT HOME OF THE UPTOWN BROWNS
ONE CROWDED QUARTER SECOND HOW THEY MAKE LIFE MOVE IN THE MOVIES
DONE INTO MOVIES BUT CAN YOU RECOGNIZE THE GOOD OLD STORIES WHEN THEY GET THEM DONE?
THINGS I HARDLY DARE WHISPER MORE REVELATIONS OF ANOTHER UNKNOWN EUROPEAN DIPLOMAT. BY AN UNDISCLOSED AUTHOR OF EUROPEAN DISREPUTATION. TWO VOLUMES. TEN DOLLARS EACH, OR THE TWO FOR SEVEN-FIFTY.
HANDS ACROSS THE SEA WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN AMERICA HAS REMOVED ALL THE EUROPEAN ART
IF THEY GO ON SWIMMING A FORECAST OF THE END OF A NEW INTERNATIONAL CRAZE
IF MUSSOLINI COMES WHAT WE WOULD BE ENTITLED TO CONCLUDE WOULD OCCUR
THIS WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP STUFF AND WHY I AM OUT OF IT
GET OFF THE EARTH NOW THAT THIS GLOBE IS USED UP, LET’S LOOK FOR ANOTHER
THE LOST WORLD OF YESTERDAY A PEN PICTURE OF THE VANISHED PAST — THE HORSE AND BUGGY
COME BACK TO SCHOOL AND LET US SEE WHAT THE DEAR OLD DAYS FELT LIKE
THE FALL FAIR AND THE AUTUMN EXPOSITION A COMPARISON OF MIDGEVILLE IN 1880 AND MIDGE CITY IN 1928
