Complete works of hall c.., p.649
Complete Works of Hall Caine, page 649
Mammie. But what –
Lesta. What am I going to do? I don’t know — I don’t care! The world’s turned topsy-turvy to-night, and I feel like dancing on my head. I’m going to be the Prince a little longer — to feel what it is to have the contrast of condition forgotten, now that the difference is the other way about — to hear the faults I have never committed as a woman condoned now that I am a man! I’m going to see women as men see them — to make love to the darlings and have the lovely dears make love to me!
Daddie. What larks! Go it, girl, go it!
(Lesta and Daddie are laughing and capering about, when Agatha enters from house. Beautiful picture — seen under the moonlight.)
Agatha. Ah!
Lesta. We frightened you, dear young lady!
Agatha. Oh, no! I was not frightened. I was only about to say that supper is waiting.
Daddie (eagerly). Supper – Certainly! (Gives his arm to Mammie. They go off.)
Lesta. But I don’t want supper — I want to speak to you.
Agatha. To me?
Lesta. May I dare to be so happy as to offer you a chair?
Agatha. Indeed I do not know — I was merely sent to tell you — I really ought to be going.
(Takes seat.)
Lesta. What a beautiful scarf you are wearing!
Agatha. Ah, you only say that by way of compliment — you’re laughing at our countrified fashions!
Lesta. Laughing? Impossible! How I should love to be that scarf that I might clasp your lovely neck.
Agatha. I don’t know what you mean, sir — What singular weather we are having!
Lesta (sitting beside her). Your little lips, though, are worth all the weather in the world.
Agatha. I really don’t understand — I was going to ask you to write some verses in my album.
Lesta (moving her chair closer). For you, Agatha, I will write anything.
Agatha. I’m so fond of poetry.
Lesta. I know a lot of all sorts. Say the word — what shall it be?
Agatha. I like love-poetry best.
Lesta (edging closer). I know a quantity of that sort too. What do you say to this: “Love is like a red, red rose. Love is like — love is like—” I don’t just remember what love is like, but it is like it — and then the verses are of no consequence. Instead I offer you my love, my faithful love, which ever since your first fond glance — (Falls on his knees.)
Enter Governor’s Wife.
Governor’s Wife. Agatha!
Lesta (rising). Oh, my stars! The mother!
Governor’s Wife. How dare you, miss? What’s the meaning of this behaviour?
Agatha. Mamma, dear, I –
Governor’s Wife. Be off from here! D’ye hear me, be off! And don’t dare to show your face to me again! (Agatha goes in tears.) (Full moonlight.)
Lesta (suffocating with laughter). I’ll make love to the old lady too!
Governor’s Wife. Excuse me, sir, but I confess I was so astonished at my daughter’s conduct —
Lesta. Don’t mention it! It was all my fault. Forgive me, madam, I did it for love of you — only for love of you!
Governor’s Wife. Of me?
Lesta (throwing herself at her feet). Yes, I offer you my love, my faithful love, which ever since your first fond glance –
Governor’s Wife. But I don’t quite comprehend. If I am not mistaken you were on your knees a moment ago to my child!
Lesta. No, to you! Despairing of speaking to you myself I was praying of your daughter to speak for me.
Governor’s Wife. So it was I — but permit me to remark that I am, so to speak — well, I am married!
Lesta. Don’t mention it! I mean what matter! Love knows no difference. Let us fly under the canopy of heaven! Let us –
Enter Governor.
Governor. Rubina!
Lesta (rising, aside). Oh, mother! The old man!
Governor. How dare you? How dare you treat His Highness with such familiarity? Really you behave like an eighteen-year-old girl, not in the least like an old woman of forty-five!
Governor’s Wife. Well, what is it? What have you seen that is so surprising?
Governor (to Lesta). Don’t take offence, sir, I beg, I pray! I’m innocent! Body and soul I’m innocent.
Lesta. Excellency, I love your child!
Governor. My child?
Lesta. Do not oppose our happiness, but add your blessing to a constant love.
Governor. Then it’s my daughter —
Governor’s Wife. There, now you see — it was all on Agatha’s account that our guest was pleased to fall on his knees, and just as he was asking my consent you suddenly blunder in like a cat in a fit.
Governor (dropping to his knees to Lesta). Oh, my God! Don’t do it, your Highness! Don’t ruin me! She’s not a Lesta Lily, and you can’t take her without bringing disgrace on her father. Please take anything else your Highness thinks fit. Take her! (Indicating wife.)
Governor’s Wife. But don’t you understand, you blockhead! His Highness is asking for our daughter’s hand in marriage!
Governor (rising). What? Marriage? You’re mad! Excuse her, your Highness: but she’s a little wrong in the head sometimes — she takes after her father.
Lesta. But I really wish to marry your child.
Governor. No, no — it’s incredible! I daren’t believe it —
Governor’s Wife. Not when he tells you so?
Governor. He doesn’t mean it — I’m not worthy of such an honour!
Lesta. But I do mean it and if you refuse I don’t know what may happen. I’m a desperate man — if I blow my brains out you will be responsible!
Governor. What? What the devil. He’s in earnest — really in earnest. Aha! Oho! What a stroke of luck!
Lesta. Have I your consent?
Governor. My consent! My blessing! My paternal blessing!
Enter Bill hurriedly.
Bill. Lesta!
Lesta (rising and signalling to him). Sh! Sh!
Governor. Bill, my boy, do you know the honour his Highness has conferred on us — he has been pleased to ask for your sister’s hand!
Bill. What! Agatha! Impossible! Inconceivable! It cannot be! I tell you it cannot! It’s not natural.
Governor (to Lesta). Excuse him, your Highness — although he’s my son he’s a little wrong in the head sometimes — he takes after his mother.
Bill (aside). Oh, my head’s in a whirl — I don’t know what’s going on.
Lesta (edging up to Bill and offering her hand behind her). Yes, I’ve told your father I love his child, and he has given his consent to our marriage.
Bill (catching and kissing Lesta’s hand). Well, I’m blest!
Governor (rubbing his hands joyfully). That’s all right! To-morrow we’ll meet to settle all details of business
Lesta. But to-night we’ll devote to nonsense and a romp.
Enter Agatha, Daddie, Mammie, Judge, Bishop, etc., with Ladies.
Governor. Ah, come here, I’ve an announcement to make to you. (All gather round.) Friends and colleagues all — see what honour Heaven has sent your Governor — he’s going to marry his child, not to a nobody, but to one of the highest personages in the land! (Sensation, shaking of hands all round.)
Lesta (taking Agatha for partner). A waltz! A wild, intoxicating waltz! I’ll sing you Lesta Lily’s latest song to it!
Governor (calling off). Lights, lights! And play up there — devil take it, play up, you fellows! (Fairy lamps flash out in various colours. Orchestra strikes up. Lesta sings. Company pair off and dance to the chorus- — Governor and his Wife, Daddie and Mammie, Officials and Ladies — Bill only being out. At second chorus Bill drags Agatha away and seizes Lesta. As curtain falls on the final chorus and shadow dance. Bill is seen kissing Lesta madly and dancing in wild joy.)
Curtain.
ACT IV.
Scene: — Same as Act I.
Time: — The following morning.
Governor’s Wife in armchair at L. with work in lap. Secretary at desk, writing. Governor striding to and fro with a lordly air, dictating.
Governor. Now we must reply to our confidential correspondent at the Treasury. (Dictating.) Dear friend and colleague –
Secretary (writing). Friend and colleague –
Governor. I have to acknowledge the receipt of your valued communication, and to report an extraordinary piece of good fortune which has just fallen to my family –
Secretary. Family –
Governor. The Prince arrived in disguise, but, thanks to your warning and my long experience in such delicate matters, I ferreted out his whereabouts directly –
Secretary. Directly.
Governor. At first the Prince was disposed to keep up his incognito, but when he saw that it was useless to try to deceive me, he threw off all further pretence, and, thank heaven, all went well.
Secretary. Went well –
Governor. Entering into a little innocent scheme for the relief of a domestic difficulty connected with my son, he accepted my hospitality, and before the day was over he was so impressed by my vigilance, shrewdness, and devotion to public duty –
Secretary. Public duty –
Governor. That he was pleased to propose for the hand of my favourite and only daughter.
Governor’s Wife (dropping her work). My dear!
Governor. Be quiet! You know nothing about it. (Dictating.) It was a very serious predicament, and I confess I was a little frightened at first, not daring to hope for so high a reward even for long and arduous public services –
Governor’s Wife. Really, dearest!
Governor (waving her aside). And it was only when he deigned to go down on his knees to me in a most aristocratic manner, and to say –
Governor’s Wife. But, dearest, he went down on his knees to me!
Governor (again waving her aside). And to say — it is all on account of your rare and charming qualities
Governor’s Wife. But he said that to Agatha!
Governor (raising his voice to drown his wife’s). And I’ll blow out my brains if you do not condescend to become my father-in-law –
Secretary. Father-in-law –
Governor. That, relying on the mercy of God, I consented, and everything came to a happy conclusion.
Secretary. Conclusion –
Governor. That’ll do. Copy it out, and send it in by my daughter. (Secretary gathers up papers and goes out.)
Governor’s Wife. But of course, dear, the Prince meant all that for Agatha.
Governor. No doubt, no doubt! He meant it for Agatha: I’m not denying that. But where would Agatha be without you and me, my love? Nowhere!
Governor’s Wife. That’s true!
Governor. Girls can’t be too grateful to their parents.
Governor’s Wife. They can’t!
Governor. And wives, too — wives can’t be too thankful to their husbands.
Governor’s Wife. Well, as for that –
Governor. Confess it candidly — you never even dreamt of such a thing. Before Agatha was born you were the wife of a simple insular Governor, and now see what a swell you’ve hooked for a son-in-law.
Governor’s Wife. It’s quite too wonderful!
Governor. Isn’t it? Just think what a fine pair of birds we’ve become!
Governor’s Wife. Haven’t we?
Governor. We can fly pretty high now.
Governor’s Wife. Of course we can!
Governor. — Won’t I pepper those rascally officials who stole a march on me with the Prince! Won’t I let the blackguards have it! I’ve a great mind to — but, no!
Governor’s Wife. No, certainly not! What are they? Only commonplace people. Remember, our friends and acquaintances in future will be persons of quality and distinction.
Governor. You’re right! They’re beneath me! May the Lord forgive them. If they were in my position for a moment they’d roll me in the mud and club me on the head into the bargain. But I bear them no malice. Only let ‘em mind their p’s and q’s, damn them –
Governor’s Wife. What language you use, dearest!
Governor. Well, what of that — a word doesn’t hurt.
Governor’s Wife. No, perhaps not, when you’re only an insular Governor, but when your circumstances are altered –
Governor. Of course! Of course! What do you think, Rubina? Where should we live in future — here or in London?
Governor’s Wife. In London, of course! This island is really too rustic.
Governor. Very well, London be it then! The governorship can go to the devil — eh?
Governor’s Wife. Certainly, my dear! What’s a governorship now?
Governor. Just so! Don’t you think I may get to the top of the tree, Rubina?
Governor’s Wife. Of course you may.
Governor. And go to Court, and play whist in that club the old equerry talked about, and be hail-fellow-well-met with nobs and nabobs and lords and baronets?
Governor’s Wife. Undoubtedly, my dear.
Governor. Rubina, what do you think, shall I do as a baronet?
Governor’s Wife. I should say so — beautifully!
Governor. I confess I’ve a consuming ambition to be a lord, though.
Governor’s Wife. Why not? With man it is impossible, but with heaven all things are possible.
Governor. Exactly! A great voyage becomes a ship, and when a man is father-in-law to a Prince, confound it —
Governor’s Wife. Oh, it will be quite too lovely!
Governor. Won’t it? I can see myself travelling about with him. Councillors, Constables, Mayors, Judges, Bishops, and Seneschals flying round you on every side. You receive all the public addresses and put them in the waste-paper basket. Then you dine with the Prince and sit above the Sheriff, and snub the little insular Governors — Eh? what? How’s that for high, old lady? Ha, ha, ha! (He laughs until the tears roll down his cheeks.)
Enter the Footman.
Well, what is it?
Footman. Beg pardon, your Excellency, but it’s half-past ten, and the strange gentleman ain’t a-stirring yet.
Governor. The strange gentleman? Do you refer to the Prince?
Footman. Are you sure he’s a Prince, your Excellency?
Governor. Am I sure he’s a Prince? Of course I’m sure he’s a Prince. Are you aware that he is to marry my daughter? How dare you call him the strange gentleman?
Footman. But he is a strange gentleman, your Excellency. When I took up his hot water at half-past seven he shouted through the door as he didn’t shave and I wasn’t to enter on any account. And when I mentioned his boots he told me to send in the maid with them.
Governor. Well, what of it? You told Curtis to take his boots into his bed-room?
Footman. All there is of them, your Excellency.
Governor’s Wife. All there is of them?
Footman. They’re threes, m’lady.
Governor. Threes?
Footman. High heels, satin bows, patent-leather tops, and pointed toes, your Excellency.
Governor. Ha, ha, ha! I see now! You’ve been to the wrong room. You took your shaving-water to the old lady.
Footman. The old lady had gone, your Excellency.
Governor’s Wife and Governor. Gone?
Footman. Before the upper servants were up she sent Collins for a cab and went off with everything.
Governor. Went off with everything?
Footman All their bits of sticks, your Excellency.
Governor. Their bits of sticks?
Footman. I mean their crates and egg-baskets, your Excellency.
Governor’s Wife. Well, I declare!
Governor (sarcastically). And the old gentleman — did he shout through the door that he didn’t shave?
Footman. No, the old gentleman’s been a-shaving since seven o’clock, your Excellency.
Governor. Since seven o’clock.
Footman. As soon as the old lady was gone he got Collins to fetch up the whiskey.
Governor. Well?
Footman. He’s been a-ringing for shaving-water every half a hour since, your Excellency.
Governor’s Wife. Goodness gracious!
Governor. All right, my dear! Leave this to me. I think I understand. (Severely.) Jenkyns!
Footman. Yes, your Excellency.
Governor. You’re a jackass, Jenkyns.
Footman. I’m aware, your Excellency.
Governor (with dignity). Then go to the Equerry’s room — the right one this time, remember — and say the Governor is waiting to receive the Prince as soon as the Prince is ready.
Footman. Certainly, your Excellency.
(Exit Footman.)
Governor’s Wife. But how strange! How singular! Do you think there’s anything in it?
Governor. In what Jenkyns has just been saying? Certainly there is something in it. Falsehood is in it: suspicion is in it: malice is in it: envy is in it: ignorance is in it. People can’t have luck like ours, my love, without finding enemies even in their own household. God forgive ‘em, what fools they are too! How silly! How stupid! How shortsighted! But wait — only wait! Agatha will be a Princess soon! and that will silence everybody. Think of it! Agatha! our Agatha! Princess Agatha! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Enter Agatha, letter in hand.
Ah, talk of the angels
Agatha. Edwards gave me this type-written letter to bring to you and I took the liberty of reading it.
Governor. Quite right, my child. We were just talking about your match — your splendid, glorious, magnificent match.
Agatha. But, papa, you can’t mean it!
Governor. Can’t mean it, my dear?
Agatha. You can’t be serious, papa.
Governor. Can’t be serious?
Agatha. Last night I thought it was all a joke, but it seems you are really in earnest.
Governor. Really in earnest?
Agatha. Of course it’s impossible — perfectly impossible, papa!
Governor. Rubina, where am I? Feel if I’m in bed, Rubina! Pinch me! Punch me — see if I’m asleep! A child of mine has a chance of making the finest match ever heard of since the beginning of the world and she tells me it’s impossible!
