Complete weird tales of.., p.389
Complete Weird Tales of Robert W Chambers, page 389
Very, very slowly, by degrees imperceptible, alone with memories of him and of their summer’s happiness already behind her, she had learned that time added things to what she had once considered her full capacity for affection.
Alone with her memories of him, at odd moments during the day — often in the gay clamour and crush of the social routine — or driving with Nina, or lying, wide-eyed, on her pillow at night, she became conscious that time, little by little, very gradually but very surely, was adding to her regard for him frail, new, elusive elements that stole in to awake an unquiet pulse or stir her heart into a sudden thrill, leaving it fluttering, and a faint glow gradually spreading through her every vein.
She was beginning to love him no longer in her own sweet fashion, but in his; and she was vaguely aware of it, yet curiously passive and content to put no question to herself whether it was true or false. And how it might be with him she evaded asking herself, too; only the quickening of breath and pulse questioned the pure thoughts unvoiced; only the increasing impatience of her suspense confirmed the answer which now, perhaps, she might give him one day while the blessed world was young.
At the thought she moved uneasily, shifting her position in the chair. Sunset, and the swift winter twilight, had tinted, then dimmed, the light in the room. On the oak-beamed ceiling, across the ivory rosettes, a single bar of red sunlight lay, broken by rafter and plaster foliation. She watched it turn to rose, to ashes. And, closing her eyes, she lay very still and motionless in the gray shadows closing over all.
He had not yet spoken when again she lifted her eyes and saw him sitting in the dusk, one arm resting across his knee, his body bent slightly forward, his gaze vacant.
Into himself again! — silently companioned by the shadows of old thoughts; far from her — farther than he had ever been. For a while she lay there, watching him, scarcely breathing; then a faint shiver of utter loneliness came over her — of desire for his attention, his voice, his friendship, and the expression of it. But he never moved; his eyes seemed dull and unseeing; his face strangely gaunt to her, unfamiliar, hard. In the dim light he seemed but the ghost of what she had known, of what she had thought him — a phantom, growing vaguer, more unreal, slipping away from her through the fading light. And the impulse to arouse herself and him from the dim danger — to arrest the spell, to break it, and seize what was their own in life overwhelmed her; and she sat up, grasping the great arms of her chair, slender, straight, white-faced in the gloom.
But he did not stir. Then unreasoning, instinctive fear confused her, and she heard her own voice, sounding strangely in the twilight:
“What has come between us, Captain Selwyn? What has happened to us? Something is all wrong, and I — I ask you what it is, because I don’t know. Tell me.”
He had lifted his head at her first word, hesitatingly, as though dazed.
“Could you tell me?” she asked faintly.
“Tell you what, child?”
“Why you are so silent with me; what has crept in between us? I” — the innocent courage sustaining her— “I have not changed — except a little in — in the way you wished. Have you?”
“No,” he said in an altered voice.
“Then — what is it? I have been — you have left me so much alone this winter — and I supposed I understood—”
“My work,” he said; but she scarcely knew the voice for his.
“I know; you have had no time. I know that; I ought to know it by this time, for I have told myself often enough. And yet — when we are together, it is — it has been — different. Can you tell me why? Do you think me changed?”
“You must not change,” he said.
“No,” she breathed, wondering, “I could not — except — a little, as I told you.”
“You must not change — not even that way!” he repeated in a voice so low she could scarcely hear him — and believed she had misunderstood him.
“I did not hear you,” she said faintly. “What did you say to me?”
“I cannot say it again.”
She slowly shook her head, not comprehending, and for a while sat silent, struggling with her own thoughts. Then, suddenly instinct with the subtle fear which had driven her into speech:
“When I said — said that to you — last summer; when I cried in the swinging seat there — because I could not answer you — as I wished to — did that change you, Captain Selwyn?”
“No.”
“Then y-you are unchanged?”
“Yes, Eileen.”
The first thrill of deep emotion struck through and through her.
“Then — then that is not it,” she faltered. “I was afraid — I have sometimes wondered if it was. . . . I am very glad, Captain Selwyn. . . . Will you wait a — a little longer — for me to — to change?”
He stood up suddenly in the darkness, and she sprang to her feet, breathless; for she had caught the low exclamation, and the strange sound that stifled it in his throat.
“Tell me,” she stammered, “w-what has happened. D-don’t turn away to the window; don’t leave me all alone to endure this — this something I have known was drawing you away — I don’t know where! What is it? Could you not tell me, Captain Selwyn? I — I have been very frank with you; I have been truthful — and loyal. I gave you, from the moment I knew you, all of me there was to give. And — and if there is more to give — now — it was yours when it came to me.
“Do you think I am too young to know what I am saying? Solitude is a teacher. I — I am still a scholar, perhaps, but I think that you could teach me what my drill-master, Solitude, could not . . . if it — it is true you love me.”
The mounting sea of passion swept him; he turned on her, unsteadily, his hands clenched, not daring to touch her. Shame, contrition, horror that the damage was already done, all were forgotten; only the deadly grim duty of the moment held him back.
“Dear,” he said, “because I am unchanged — because I — I love you so — help me! — and God help us both.”
“Tell me,” she said steadily, but it was fear that stilled her voice. She laid one slim hand on the table, bearing down on the points of her fingers until the nails whitened, but her head was high and her eyes met his, straight, unwavering.
“I — I knew it,” she said; “I understood there was something. If it is trouble — and I see it is — bring it to me. If I am the woman you took me for, give me my part in this. It is the quickest way to my heart, Captain Selwyn.”
But he had grown afraid, horribly afraid. All the cowardice in him was in the ascendant. But that passed; watching his worn face, she saw it passing. Fear clutched at her; for the first time in her life she desired to go to him, hold fast to him, seeking in contact the reassurance of his strength; but she only stood straighter, a little paler, already half divining in the clairvoyance of her young soul what lay still hidden.
“Do you ask a part in this?” he said at last.
“I ask it.”
“Why?”
Her eyes wavered, then returned his gaze:
“For love of you,” she said, as white as death.
He caught his breath sharply and straightened out, passing one hand across his eyes. When she saw his face again in the dim light it was ghastly.
“There was a woman,” he said, “for whom I was once responsible.” He spoke wearily, head bent, resting the weight of one arm on the table against which she leaned. “Do you understand?” he asked.
“Yes. You mean — Mrs. Ruthven.”
“I mean — her. Afterward — when matters had altered — I came — home.”
He raised his head and looked about him in the darkness.
“Came home,” he repeated, “no longer a man; the shadow of a man, with no hope, no outlook, no right to hope.”
He leaned heavily on the table, his arm rigid, looking down at the floor as he spoke.
“No right to hope. Others told me that I still possessed that right. I knew they were wrong; I do not mean that they persuaded me — I persuaded myself that, after all, perhaps my right to hope remained to me. I persuaded myself that I might be, after all, the substance, not the shadow.”
He looked up at her:
“And so I dared to love you.”
She gazed at him, scarcely breathing.
“Then,” he said, “came the awakening. My dream had ended.”
She waited, the lace on her breast scarce stirring, so still she stood, so pitifully still.
“Such responsibility cannot die while those live who undertook it. I believed it until I desired to believe it no longer. But a man’s self-persuasion cannot alter such laws — nor can human laws confirm or nullify them, nor can a great religion do more than admit their truth, basing its creed upon such laws. . . . No man can put asunder, no laws of man undo the burden. . . . And, to my shame and disgrace, I have had to relearn this after offering you a love I had no right to offer — a life which is not my own to give.”
He took one step toward her, and his voice fell so low that she could just hear him:
“She has lost her mind, and the case is hopeless. Those to whom the laws of the land have given care of her turned on her, threatened her with disgrace. And when one friend of hers halted this miserable conspiracy, her malady came swiftly upon her, and suddenly she found herself helpless, penniless, abandoned, her mind already clouded, and clouding faster! . . . Eileen, was there then the shadow of a doubt as to the responsibility? Because a man’s son was named in the parable, does the lesson end there — and are there no others as prodigal — no other bonds that hold as inexorably as the bond of love?
“Men — a lawyer or two — a referee — decided to remove a burden; but a higher court has replaced it.”
He came and stood directly before her:
“I dare not utter one word of love to you; I dare not touch you. What chance is there for such a man as I?”
“No chance — for us,” she whispered. “Go!”
For a second he stood motionless, then, swaying slightly, turned on his heel.
And long after he had left the house she still stood there, eyes closed, colourless lips set, her slender body quivering, racked with the first fierce grief of a woman’s love for a man.
* * *
CHAPTER XII
HER WAY
NEERGARD HAD ALREADY begun to make mistakes. The first was in thinking that, among those whose only distinction was their wealth, his own wealth permitted him the same insolence and ruthlessness that so frequently characterised them.
Clever, vindictively patient, circumspect, and commercially competent as he had been, his intelligence was not of a high order. The intelligent never wilfully make enemies; Neergard made them gratuitously, cynically kicking from under him the props he used in mounting the breach, and which he fancied he no longer needed as a scaffolding now that he had obtained a foothold on the outer wall. Thus he had sneeringly dispensed with Gerald; thus he had shouldered Fane and Harmon out of his way when they objected to the purchase of Neergard’s acreage adjoining the Siowitha preserve, and its incorporation as an integral portion of the club tract; thus he was preparing to rid himself of Ruthven for another reason. But he was not yet quite ready to spurn Ruthven, because he wanted a little more out of him — just enough to place himself on a secure footing among those of the younger set where Ruthven, as hack cotillon leader, was regarded by the young with wide-eyed awe.
Why Neergard, who had forced himself into the Siowitha, ever came to commit so gross a blunder as to dragoon, or even permit, the club to acquire the acreage, the exploiting of which had threatened their existence, is not very clear.
Once within the club he may have supposed himself perpetually safe, not only because of his hold on Ruthven, but also because, back of his unflagging persistence, back of his determination to shoulder and push deep into the gilded, perfumed crush where purse-strings and morals were loosened with every heave and twist in the panting struggle around the raw gold altar — back of the sordid past, back of all the resentment, and the sinister memory of wrongs and grievances, still unbalanced, lay an enormous vanity.
It was the vanity in him — even in the bitter days — that throbbed with the agony of the bright world’s insolence; it was vanity which sustained him in better days where he sat nursing in his crooked mind the crooked thoughts that swarmed there. His desire for position and power was that; even his yearning for corruption was but the desire for the satiation of a vanity as monstrous as it was passionless. His to have what was shared by those he envied — the power to pick and choose, to ignore, to punish. His to receive, not to seek; to dispense, not to stand waiting for his portion; his the freedom of the forbidden, of everything beyond him, of all withheld, denied by this bright, loose-robed, wanton-eyed goddess from whose invisible altar he had caught a whiff of sacrificial odours, standing there through the wintry years in the squalor and reek of things.
Now he had arrived among those outlying camps where camp-followers and masters mingled. Certain card-rooms were open to him, certain drawing-rooms, certain clubs. Through them he shouldered, thrilled as he advanced deeper into the throng, fired with the contact of the crush around him.
Already the familiarity of his appearance and his name seemed to sanction his presence; two minor clubs, but good ones — in need of dues — had strained at this social camel and swallowed him. Card-rooms welcomed him — not the rooms once flung open contemptuously for his plucking — but rooms where play was fiercer, and where those who faced him expected battle to the limit.
And they got it, for he no longer felt obliged to lose. And that again was a mistake: he could not yet afford to win.
Thick in the chance and circumstance of the outer camp, heavily involved financially and already a crushing financial force, meshed in, or spinning in his turn the strands and counter-strands of intrigue, with a dozen men already mortally offended and a woman or two alarmed or half-contemptuously on guard, flattered, covetous, or afraid, the limit of Neergard’s intelligence was reached; his present horizon ended the world for him because he could not imagine anything beyond it; and that smirking vanity which had ‘squired him so far, hat in hand, now plucked off its mask and leered boldly about in the wake of its close-eyed master.
George Fane, unpleasantly involved in Block Copper, angry, but not very much frightened, turned in casual good faith to Neergard to ease matters until he could cover. And Neergard locked him in the tighter and shouldered his way through Rosamund’s drawing-room to the sill of Sanxon Orchil’s outer office, treading brutally on Harmon’s heels.
Harmon in disgust, wrath, and fear went to Craig; Craig to Maxwell Hunt; Hunt wired Mottly; Mottly, cold and sleek in his contempt, came from Palm Beach.
The cohesive power of caste is an unknown element to the outsider.
That he had unwittingly and prematurely aroused some unsuspected force on which he had not counted and of which he had no definite knowledge was revealed to Neergard when he desired Rosamund to obtain for him an invitation to the Orchils’ ball.
It appeared that she could not do so — that even the threatened tendency of Block Copper could not sharpen her wits to devise a way for him. Very innocently she told him that Jack Ruthven was leading the Chinese Cotillon with Mrs. Delmour-Carnes from one end, Gerald Erroll with Gladys from the other — a hint that a card ought to be easy enough to obtain in spite of the strangely forgetful Orchils.
Long since he had fixed upon Gladys Orchil as the most suitable silent partner for the unbuilt house of Neergard, unconcerned that rumour was already sending her abroad for the double purpose of getting rid of Gerald and of giving deserving aristocracy a look-in at the fresh youth of her and her selling price.
Nothing, so far, had checked his progress; why should rumour? Elbow and money had shoved him on and on, shoulder-deep where his thin nose pointed, crowding aside and out of his way whatever was made to be crowded out; and going around, hat off, whatever remained arrogantly immovable.
So he had come, on various occasions, close to the unruffled skirts of this young girl — not yet, however, in her own house. But Sanxon Orchil had recently condescended to turn around in his office chair and leave his amusing railroad combinations long enough to divide with Neergard a quarter of a million copper profits; and there was another turn to be expected when Neergard gave the word.
Therefore, it puzzled and confused Neergard to be overlooked where the gay world had been summoned with an accompanying blast from the public press; therefore he had gone to Rosamund with the curtest of hints; but he had remained, standing before her, checked, not condescending to irritation, but mentally alert to a new element of resistance which he had not expected — a new force, palpable, unlooked for, unclassified as yet in his schedule for his life’s itinerary. That force was the cohesive power of abstract caste in the presence of a foreign irritant threatening its atomic disintegration. That foreign and irritating substance was himself. But he had forgotten in his vanity that which in his rawer shrewdness he should have remembered. Eternal vigilance was the price; not the cancelled vouchers of the servitude of dead years and the half-servile challenge of the strange new days when his vanity had dared him to live.
* * *
Rosamund, smoothly groomed, golden-headed, and smiling, rose as Neergard moved slowly forward to take his leave.
“So stupid of them to have overlooked you,” she said; “and I should have thought Gladys would have remembered — unless—”
His close-set eyes focussed so near her own that she stopped, involuntarily occupied with the unusual phenomenon.
“Unless what?” he asked.
She was all laughing polished surface again. “Unless Gladys’s intellect, which has only room for one idea at a time, is already fully occupied.”
