“Didn’t you do it? Isn’t it true?”

  “Do what? Do what the Government pays me for doing? Yes, I happened to come up to the scratch that time. But I was scared, every inch of me — if you really want the truth.”

  “But — you did it?”

  He laughed again, harshly, but apparently puzzled by her attitude.

  She came nearer, paler in her suppressed excitement.

  “Private Ormond,” she faltered, “the hour that you fail under fire is the hour when I — shall be able to — forget — you. Not — until — then.”

  Neither moved. The slow, deep colour mounted to the roots of his hair; but she was white as death.

  “Ailsa.”

  “Yes.”

  And suddenly he had dropped to one knee, and the hem of her gray garb was against his lips — and it was a thing of another age that he did, there on one knee at her feet, but it became him as it had become his ancestors. And she saw it, and, bending, laid her slim hands on his head.

  After a long silence, her hands still resting on his dark hair, she found voice enough to speak.

  “I know you now.”

  And, as he made no answer:

  “It is there, in you — all that I believed. It was to that

  I — yielded — once.”

  She looked intently down at him.

  “I think at last you have become — my champion. . . . Not my — destroyer. Answer me, Philip!”

  He would not, or could not.

  “I take you — for mine,” she said. “Will you deny me?”

  “No, Ailsa.”

  She said, steadily: “The other — the lesser happiness is to be — forgotten. Answer.”

  “It — must be.”

  She bent lower, whispering: “Is there no wedlock of the spirit?”

  “That is all there ever was to hope for.”

  “Then — will you — Philip?”

  “Yes. Will you, Ailsa?”

  “I — will.”

  He rose; her fingers slipped from his hair to his hands, and they stood, confronted.

  She said in a dull voice: “I am engaged to — be — married to Captain

  Hallam.”

  “I know it.”

  She spoke again, very white.

  “Can you tell me why you will not marry me?”

  “No, I cannot tell you.”

  “I — would love you none the less. Don’t you believe me?”

  “Yes, I do now. But I — cannot ask that of you.”

  “Yet — you would have — taken me without — marriage.”

  He said, quietly:

  “Marriage — or love to the full, without it — God knows how right or wrong that may be. The world outlaws those who love without it — drives them out, excommunicates, damns. . . . It may be God does, too; but — I — don’t — believe it, Ailsa.”

  She said, whiter still: “Then I must not think of — what cannot be?”

  “No,” he said dully, “it cannot be.”

  She laid her hands against his lips in silence.

  “Good night. . . . You won’t leave me — too much — alone?”

  “May I write to you, dear?”

  “Please. And come when — when you can.”

  He laughed in the utter hopelessness of it all.

  “Dear, I cannot come to you unless — he comes.”

  At that the colour came back into her face.

  Suddenly she stooped, touched his hands swiftly with her lips — the very ghost of contact — turned, and was gone.

  Hallam’s voice was hearty and amiable; also he welcomed her with a smile; but there seemed to be something hard in his eyes as he said:

  “I began to be afraid that you’d gone to sleep, Ailsa. What the deuce has kept you? A sick man?”

  “Y-es; he is — better — I think.”

  “That’s good. I’ve only a minute or two left, and I wanted to speak — if you’ll let me — about — —”

  “Can’t you come again next week?” she asked.

  “Well — of course, I’ll do my best. I wanted to speak — —”

  “Don’t say everything now,” she protested, forcing a smile, “otherwise what excuse will you have for coming again?”

  “Well — I wished to — See here, Ailsa, will you let me speak about the practical part of our future when I come next time?”

  For a moment she could, not bring herself to the deception; but the memory of Berkley rendered her desperate.

  “Yes — if you will bring back to Miss Lynden her trooper friend when you come again. Will you?”

  “Who? Oh, Ormond. Yes, of course, if she wishes — —”

  But she could not endure her own dishonesty any longer.

  “Captain Hallam,” she said with stiffened lips, “I — I have just lied to you. It is not for Miss Lynden that I asked; it is for myself!”

  He looked at her in a stunned sort of way. She said, forcing herself to meet his eyes:

  “Trooper Ormond is your escort; don’t you understand? I desire to see him again, because I knew him in New York.”

  “Oh,” said Hallam slowly.

  She stood silent, the colour racing through her cheeks. She could not, in the same breath, ask Hallam to release her. It was impossible. Nothing on earth could prevent his believing that it was because she wished to marry Berkley. And she was never to marry Berkley. She knew it, now.

  “Who is this Private Ormond, anyway?” asked Hallam, handsome eyes bent curiously on her.

  And she said, calmly: “I think you did not mean to ask me that,

  Captain Hallam.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because the man in question would have told you had he not desired the privilege of privacy — to which we all are entitled, I think.”

  “It seems to me,” said Hallam, reddening, “that, under the circumstances, I myself have been invested by you with some privileges.”

  “Not yet,” she returned quietly. And again her reply implied deceit; and she saw, too late, whither that reply led — where she was drifting, helpless to save herself, or Berkley, or this man to whom she had been betrothed.

  “I’ve got to speak now,” she began desperately calm. “I must tell you that I cannot marry you. I do not love you enough. I am forced to say it. I was a selfish, weak, unhappy fool when I thought I could care enough for you to marry you. All the fault is mine; all the blame is on me. I am a despicable woman.”

  “Are you crazy, Ailsa!”

  “Half crazed, I think. If you can, some day, try to forgive me — I should be very grateful.”

  “Do you mean to tell me that you — you are — have been — in love with this — this broken-down adventurer — —”

  “Yes. From the first second in my life that I ever saw him. Now you know the truth. And you will now consider me worthy of this — adventurer — —”

  “No,” he replied. And thought a moment. Then he looked at her.

  “I don’t intend to give you up,” he said.

  “Captain Hallam, believe me, I am sorry — —”

  “I won’t give you up,” he repeated doggedly.

  “You won’t — release me?”

  “No.”

  She said, with heightened colour: “I am dreadfully sorry — and bitterly ashamed. I deserve no mercy, no consideration at your hands. But — I must return your ring—” She slipped it from her finger, laid it on the table, placed the chain and locket beside it.

  She said, wistfully: “I dare not hope to retain your esteem — I dare not say to you how much I really desire your forgiveness — your friendship — —”

  Suddenly he turned on her a face, red, distorted, with rage.

  “Do you know what this means to me? It means ridicule in my regiment! What kind of figure do you think I shall cut after this? It’s — it’s a shame! — it’s vile usage. I’ll appear absurd — absurd! Do you understand?”

  Shocked, she stared into his inflamed visage, which anger and tortured vanity had marred past all belief.

  “Is that why you care?” she asked slowly.

  “Ailsa! Good God — I scarcely know what I’m saying — —”

  “I know.”

  She stepped back, eyes darkening to deepest violet — retreated, facing him, step by step to the doorway, through it; and left him standing there.

  CHAPTER XIII

  BERKLEY’S FIRST LETTER to her was written during that week of lovely weather, the first week in March. The birds never sang more deliriously, the regimental bands never played more gaily; every camp was astir in the warm sunshine with companies, regiments, brigades, or divisions drilling.

  At the ceremonies of guard mount and dress parade the country was thronged with visitors from Washington, ladies in gay gowns and scarfs, Congressmen in silk hats and chokers, apparently forgetful of their undignified role in the late affair at Bull Run — even children with black mammies in scarlet turbans and white wool dresses came to watch a great army limbering up after a winter of inaction.

  He wrote to her:

  “Dearest, it has been utterly impossible for me to obtain leave of absence and a pass to go as far as the Farm Hospital. I tried to run the guard twice, but had to give it up. I’m going to try again as soon as there seems any kind of a chance.

  “We have moved our camp. Why, heaven knows. If our general understood what cavalry is for we would have been out long ago — miles from here — if to do nothing more than make a few maps which, it seems, our august leaders entirely lack.

  “During the night the order came: ‘This division will move at four o’clock in the morning with two days’ rations.’ All night long we were at work with axe and hammer, tearing down quarters, packing stores, and loading our waggons.

  “We have an absurd number of waggons. There is an infantry regiment camped near us that has a train of one hundred and thirty-six-mule teams to transport its household goods. It’s the 77th New York,

  “The next morning the sun rose on our army in motion. You say that I am a scoffer. I didn’t scoff at that spectacle. We were on Flint Hill; and, as far as we could see around us, the whole world was fairly crawling with troops. Over them a rainbow hung. Later it rained, as you know.

  “I’m wet, Ailsa. The army for the first time is under shelter tents. The Sibley wall tents and wedge tents are luxuries of the past for officers and men alike.

  “The army — that is, the bulk of it — camped at five. We — the cavalry — went on to see what we could see around Centreville; but the rebels had burned it, so we came back here where we don’t belong — a thousand useless men armed with a thousand useless weapons. Because, dear, our lances are foolish things, picturesque but utterly unsuited to warfare in such a country as this.

  “You see, I’ve become the sort of an ass who is storing up information and solving vast and intricate problems in order to be kind to my superiors when, struck with panic at their own tardily discovered incapacity, they rush to me in a body to ask me how to do it.

  “Rush’s Lancers are encamped near you now; our regiment is not far from them. If I can run the guard I’ll do it. I’m longing to see you, dear.

  “I’ve written to Celia, as you know, so she won’t be too much astonished if I sneak into the gallery some night.

  “I’ve seen a lot of Zouaves, the 5th, 9th, 10th, and other regiments, but not the 3rd. What a mark they make of themselves in their scarlet and blue. Hawkins’ regiment, the 9th, is less conspicuous, wearing only the red headgear and facings, but Duryea’s regiment is a sight! A magnificent one from the spectacular stand-point, but the regiments in blue stand a better chance of being missed by the rebel riflemen. I certainly wish Colonel Craig’s Zouaves weren’t attired like tropical butterflies. But for heaven’s sake don’t say this to Celia.

  “Well, you see, I betray the cloven hoof of fear, even when I write you. It’s a good thing that I know I am naturally a coward; because I may learn to be so ashamed of my legs that I’ll never run at all, either way.

  “Dear, I’m too honest with you to make promises, and far too intelligent not to know that when people begin shooting at each other somebody is likely to get hit. It is instinctive in me to avoid mutilation and extemporary death if I can do it. I realise what it means when the air is full of singing, buzzing noises; when twigs and branches begin to fall and rattle on my cap and saddle; when weeds and dead grass are snipped off short beside me; when every mud puddle is starred and splashed; when whack! smack! whack! on the stones come flights of these things you hear about, and hear, and never see. And — it scares me.

  “But I’m trying to figure out that, first, I am safer if I do what my superiors tell me to do; second, that it’s a dog’s life anyway; third, that it’s good enough for me, so why run away from it?

  “Some day some of these Johnnies will scare me so that I’ll start after them. There’s no fury like a man thoroughly frightened.

  “Nobody has yet been hurt in any of the lancer regiments except one of Rush’s men, who got tangled up in the woods and wounded himself with his own lance.

  “Oh, these lances! And oh, the cavalry! And, alas! a general who doesn’t know how to use his cavalry.

  “No sooner does a cavalry regiment arrive than, bang! it’s split up into troops — a troop to escort General A., another to gallop after General B., another to sit around headquarters while General C. dozes after dinner! And, if it’s not split up, it’s detailed bodily on some fool’s job instead of being packed off under a line officer to find out what is happening just beyond the end of the commander’s nose.

  “The visitors like to see us drill — like to see us charge, red pennons flying, lances at rest. I like to see Rush’s Lancers, too. But, all the same, sometimes when we go riding gaily down the road, some of those dingy, sunburnt Western regiments who have been too busy fighting to black their shoes line up along the road and repeat, monotonously:

  “‘Who-ever-saw-a-dead-cavalryman?’

  “It isn’t what they say, Ailsa, it’s the expression of their dirty faces that turns me red, sometimes, and sometimes incites me to wild mirth.

  “I’m writing this squatted under my ‘tente d’abri.’ General McClellan, with a preposterous staff the size of a small brigade, has just passed at a terrific gallop — a handsome, mild-eyed man who has made us into an army, and who ornaments headquarters with an entire squadron of Claymore’s 20th Dragoons and one of our own 8th Lancers. Well, some day he’ll come to me and say: ‘Ormond, I understand that there is only one man in the entire army fit to command it. Accept this cocked hat.’

  “That detail would suit me, dear. I could get behind the casemates of Monroe and issue orders. I was cut out to sit in a good, thick casemate and bring this cruel war to an end.

  “A terribly funny thing happened at Alexandria. A raw infantry regiment was camped near the seminary, and had managed to flounder through guard mount. The sentinels on duty kept a sharp lookout and turned out the guard every time a holiday nigger hove in sight; and sentinels and guard and officer were getting awfully tired of their mistakes; and the day was hot, and the sentinels grew sleepy.

  “Then one sentry, dozing awake, happened to turn and glance toward the woods; and out of it, over the soft forest soil, and already nearly on top of him, came a magnificent cavalcade at full gallop — the President, and Generals McClellan and Benjamin Butler leading.

  “Horror paralyzed him, then he ran toward the guard house, shrieking at the top of his lungs:

  “‘Great God! Turn out the guard! Here comes Old Abe and Little

  Mac and Beast Butler!’

  “And that’s all the camp gossip and personal scandal that I have to relate to you, dear.

  “I’ll run the guard if I can, so help me Moses!

  “And I am happier than I have ever been in all my life. If I don’t run under fire you have promised not to stop loving me. That is the bargain, remember.

  “Here comes your late lamented. I’m no favorite of his, nor he of mine. He did me a silly trick the other day — had me up before the Colonel because he said that it had been reported to him that I had enlisted under an assumed name.

  “I had met the Colonel. He looked at me and said:

  “‘Is Ormond your name?’

  [Illustration: “‘Is Ormond your name?’”]

  “I said: ‘It is, partly.’

  “He said: ‘Then it is sufficient to fight under.’

  “Ailsa, I am going to tell you something. It has to do with me, as you know me, and it has to do with Colonel Arran.

  “I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you; but I’m also afraid it will be necessary.

  “Colonel Arran is your friend. But, Ailsa, I am his implacable enemy. Had I dreamed for one moment that the Westchester Horse was to become the 10th troop of Arran’s Lancers, I would never have joined it.

  “It was a bitter dose for me to swallow when my company was sworn into the United States service under this man.

  “Since, I have taken the matter philosophically. He has not annoyed me, except by being alive on earth. He showed a certain primitive decency in not recognizing me when he might have done it in a very disagreeable fashion. I think he was absolutely astonished to see me there; but he never winked an eyelash. I give the devil his due.

  “All this distresses you, dear. But I cannot help it; you would have to know, sometime, that Colonel Arran and I are enemies. So let it go at that; only, remembering it, avoid always any uncomfortable situation which must result in this man and myself meeting under your roof.”

  His letter ended in lighter vein — a gay message to Celia, a cordial one to Letty, and the significant remark that he expected to see her very soon.

  The next night he tried to run the guard, and failed.

  She had written to him, begging him not to; urging the observance of discipline, while deploring their separation — a sweet, confused letter, breathing in every line her solicitation for him, her new faith and renewed trust in him.

  Concerning what he had told her about his personal relations with Colonel Arran she had remained silent — was too unhappy and astonished to reply. Thinking of it later, it recalled to her mind Celia’s studied avoidance of any topic in which Colonel Arran figured. She did not make any mental connection between Celia’s dislike for the man and Berkley’s — the coincidence merely made her doubly unhappy.

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398 399 400 401 402 403 404 405 406 407 408 409 410 411 412 413 414 415 416 417 418 419 420 421 422 423 424 425 426 427 428 429 430 431 432 433 434 435 436 437 438 439 440 441 442 443 444 445 446 447 448 449 450 451 452 453 454 455 456 457 458 459 460 461 462 463 464 465 466 467 468 469 470 471 472 473 474 475 476 477 478 479 480 481 482 483 484 485 486 487 488 489 490 491 492 493 494 495 496 497 498 499 500 501 502 503 504 505 506 507 508 509 510 511 512 513 514 515 516 517 518 519 520 521 522 523 524 525 526 527 528 529 530 531 532 533 534 535 536 537 538 539 540 541 542 543 544 545 546 547 548 549 550 551 552 553 554 555 556 557 558 559 560 561 562 563 564 565 566 567 568 569 570 571 572 573 574 575 576 577 578 579 580 581 582 583 584 585 586 587 588 589 590 591 592 593 594 595 596 597 598 599 600 601 602 603 604 605 606 607 608 609 610 611 612 613 614 615 616 617 618 619 620 621 622 623 624 625 626 627 628 629 630 631 632 633 634 635 636 637 638 639 640 641 642 643 644 645 646 647 648 649 650 651 652 653 654 655 656 657 658 659 660 661 662 663 664 665 666 667 668 669 670 671 672 673 674 675 676 677 678 679 680 681 682 683 684 685 686 687 688 689 690 691 692 693 694 695 696 697 698 699 700 701 702 703 704 705 706 707 708 709 710 711 712 713 714 715 716 717 718 719 720 721 722 723 724 725 726 727 728 729 730 731 732 733 734 735 736 737 738 739 740 741 742 743 744 745 746 747 748 749 750 751 752 753 754 755 756 757 758 759 760 761 762 763 764 765 766 767 768 769 770 771 772 773 774 775 776 777 778 779 780 781 782 783 784 785 786 787 788 789 790 791 792 793 794 795 796 797 798 799 800 801 802 803 804 805 806 807 808 809 810 811 812 813 814 815 816 817 818 819 820 821 822 823 824 825 826 827 828 829 830 831 832 833 834 835 836 837 838 839 840 841 842 843 844 845 846 847 848 849 850 851 852 853 854 855 856 857 858 859 860 861 862 863 864 865 866 867 868 869 870 871 872 873 874 875 876 877 878 879 880 881 882 883 884 885 886 887 888 889 890 891 892 893 894 895 896 897 898 899 900 901 902 903 904 905 906 907 908 909 910 911 912 913 914 915 916 917 918 919 920 921 922 923 924 925 926 927 928 929 930 931 932 933 934 935 936 937 938 939 940 941 942 943 944 945 946 947 948 949 950 951 952 953 954 955 956 957 958 959 960 961 962 963 964 965 966 967 968 969 970 971 972 973 974 975 976 977 978 979 980 981 982 983 984 985 986 987 988 989 990 991 992 993 994 995 996 997 998 999 1000 1001 1002 1003 1004 1005 1006 1007 1008 1009 1010 1011 1012 1013 1014 1015 1016 1017 1018 1019 1020 1021 1022 1023 1024 1025 1026 1027 1028 1029 1030 1031 1032 1033 1034 1035 1036 1037 1038 1039 1040 1041 1042 1043 1044 1045 1046 1047 1048 1049 1050 1051 1052 1053 1054 1055 1056 1057 1058 1059 1060 1061 1062 1063 1064 1065 1066 1067 1068 1069 1070 1071 1072 1073 1074 1075 1076 1077 1078 1079 1080 1081 1082 1083 1084 1085 1086 1087 1088 1089 1090 1091 1092 1093 1094 1095 1096 1097 1098 1099 1100 1101 1102 1103 1104 1105 1106 1107 1108 1109 1110 1111 1112 1113 1114 1115 1116 1117 1118 1119 1120 1121 1122 1123 1124 1125 1126 1127 1128 1129 1130 1131 1132 1133 1134 1135 1136 1137 1138 1139 1140 1141 1142 1143 1144 1145 1146 1147 1148 1149 1150 1151 1152 1153 1154 1155 1156 1157 1158 1159 1160 1161 1162 1163 1164 1165 1166 1167 1168 1169 1170 1171 1172 1173 1174 1175 1176 1177 1178 1179 1180 1181 1182 1183 1184 1185 1186 1187 1188 1189 1190 1191 1192 1193 1194 1195 1196 1197 1198 1199 1200 1201 1202 1203 1204 1205 1206 1207 1208 1209 1210 1211 1212 1213 1214 1215 1216 1217 1218 1219 1220 1221 1222 1223 1224 1225 1226 1227 1228 1229 1230 1231 1232 1233 1234 1235 1236 1237 1238 1239 1240 1241 1242 1243 1244 1245 1246 1247 1248 1249 1250 1251 1252 1253 1254 1255 1256 1257 1258 1259 1260 1261 1262 1263 1264 1265 1266 1267 1268 1269 1270 1271 1272 1273 1274 1275 1276 1277 1278 1279 1280 1281 1282 1283 1284 1285 1286 1287 1288 1289 1290 1291 1292 1293 1294 1295 1296 1297 1298 1299 1300 1301 1302 1303 1304 1305 1306 1307 1308 1309 1310 1311 1312 1313 1314 1315 1316 1317 1318 1319 1320 1321 1322 1323 1324 1325 1326 1327 1328 1329 1330 1331 1332 1333 1334 1335 1336 1337 1338 1339 1340 1341 1342 1343 1344 1345 1346 1347 1348 1349 1350 1351 1352 1353 1354 1355 1356 1357 1358 1359