Stonehill series collect.., p.67
Stonehill Series Collection, page 67
“I know.”
“Talk to him. Tell him you know that he doesn’t mean to, but he’s hurting you and you just need to understand his hesitancy at being with you. And as for the business, trust him. He is doing what is best for your company. If you need to be a part of things, let him help you. He’s not trying to take anything from you.”
“I didn’t think he was. I just… That’s my life. That’s my…everything. And I can’t be a part of it, and it’s killing me inside.”
“You can be a part of it, Annie. Just not like you were before, at least not yet. You’ll get there. I promise you, we’ll find a way to get you there. Take it one step at a time, and you’ll get where you want to be soon enough.”
She closed her eyes. “Stop being so goddamned logical. Logic has no comforting qualities, whatsoever.”
He laughed. “Now you know how I felt every time you tried to fix my last marriage.”
“Oh, there was no fixing that marriage. I just wanted you to wake up and realize how hideous she was.” She smiled as she reached for his hand. “We had it all for a few minutes, didn’t we? Us messed-up O’Connell kids. For a little bit, we had it all figured out.”
“We still do. We’re all happy, and we have good people in our lives.”
She looked out the window when he slowed and turned on his blinker. “Paul, what are you—”
“When’s the last time you were here?”
She sighed as he pulled into the cemetery. “Dad’s funeral.”
“That’s what I thought.” Parking the car, he turned off the ignition. “You’re so damned emotional these days, I figure now’s the time.”
“For what?”
“You’ve been bottling it up for thirty-four years, Annie. It’s time to grieve for Mom. It’s time to feel the pain of losing her.”
Tears blurred her vision. “Oh, you little jerk.”
“Yeah, I know.” He climbed out as she sat frozen in her seat. He opened the passenger door and nodded toward the graves behind him. “Come on.”
Wrapping her arm around his, she walked with him to two flat markers. They hadn’t been able to afford anything better for their mother, and their father didn’t deserve more. She inhaled the crisp November air, feeling it sting her lungs before letting it out slowly and finally looking down. She was certain an arrow had been shot through her heart the moment she saw her mother’s name written in raised lettering on the plaque at her feet. She pictured her, smiling despite the bags under her eyes and the shadow that always seemed to be hanging over her soul.
Her voice echoed through Annie’s memory. You’re my brave girl, Annie. Mama loves you.
The pain spread from Annie’s chest until she was clinging to her brother as she cried for her mother and her lost childhood and her wasted life and everything she’d lost in that one moment when a bullet ripped through her.
Chapter 16
Marcus tried to act casual when Annie walked in the front door well beyond dinnertime, but the fact was, there was a panic settling in his heart and he was barely controlling it. Paul had texted him, let him know they were fine and that they were going to have dinner before coming home. That had done little to ease Marcus’s anxiety. In fact, it increased it. She hated when people saw her eat. Where was he going to take her? What was she going to order that didn’t require his assistance? Had Paul considered any of that before taking her out to eat?
On top of all that, Marcus didn’t like her being out on her own. Not that she was on her own. She was with Paul. But she wasn’t with Marcus, and that triggered a kind of fear in him he couldn’t explain any more than he could explain the relief he felt at seeing her.
Setting the papers he was looking over onto the end table, he smiled as she walked into the living room. She’d been crying. Why the hell had she been crying?
“Hey,” he said as lightly as he could.
“Hi.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” She sat next to him. “I’m sorry about today.”
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“I do. I got testy, and you didn’t deserve that. You’ve done so much to help me.”
He ran his hand over her hair. “I never thought for a moment that you’d appreciate all the changes that were made without your consent. I knew you’d be frustrated that we made decisions without you. But they had to be made.”
“I know. Safety first. I’ve always preached it. And you were right. I couldn’t stomach it if something happened to one of our agents because of the budget. They are so much more important than that.”
He nodded. “We knew you’d feel that way; that’s why we moved forward with the new signs.”
“And the rest of the marketing has to reflect that to have the strongest impact. I know. You’re right.”
Grabbing the papers he’d been looking over, he held them out to her. “Dianna said you didn’t really look at this. Let’s do it now. I’ll explain what we’ve done, and you make whatever changes you feel are necessary. I didn’t sign off on the order for new marketing materials. You should do that.”
She pulled her lips between her teeth and bit them gently for a moment. “I want you to know that I trust you to take care of my company. I wasn’t trying to imply that I didn’t.”
“I know that.”
“I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate you. I know I don’t show it well, but I do.”
His smile widened. “You may think you’re complex, Annie O’Connell, but I’ve got your number. I know how your mind works.”
She scoffed. “I’m glad one of us does.”
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her temple. “Are you okay? Really?”
“It was a rough day. Paul brought up some things I didn’t really want to talk about.”
“Such as?”
“Mom’s death. Dad’s drinking.” She sighed. “We went to the cemetery. I hadn’t been there in years.”
“How’d that go?”
“Oh, I cried. A lot.” She smiled sadly.
“That’s good.”
“Is it?”
He nodded. “You need to get it out. You can’t keep bottling all this up, honey. You’ll explode.”
“Yes, I should talk about what’s troubling me. Like you do.”
She cocked her brow at him, and he chuckled.
“Let’s not make this about me.”
“Paul said you didn’t reach out to him about your dreams. He didn’t know anything about them.”
“I never said I was going to reach out to Paul.”
“Did you reach out to anyone?”
He sighed loudly. “They’re getting better.”
“No, they’re not.”
“They are.”
“Marcus—”
“Don’t argue with me about what’s going on inside my head.”
She frowned at him. “You argue with me about what’s in my head all the time.”
“That’s because I can read your mind. Mine is still a mystery.”
She scoffed. “Right. You want to know why you are having nightmares?”
His heart started to race, and he shifted beside her. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Because you blame yourself for what happened to me.”
He sighed as he looked at her. “I just said I don’t want to talk about it.”
“It’s not your fault some stupid kid thought he’d try a life of crime.”
“Annie.”
“I got shot, Marcus, and there wasn’t a damn thing you could do about it.”
He closed his eyes and lowered his face. Damn, she really wasn’t going to let it go. “Do you want to look over the budget with me?”
“I want you to talk to me.”
He clenched his jaw and took a slow, deep breath. “Not about this.”
“Why is it okay for you to try to dig into my head, but as soon as I try to do the same to you, you shut me down?”
“I don’t shut you down.”
“You don’t touch me.”
Her words made him pause. “What?”
She licked her lips, and her cheeks turned red. “Before I got hurt, you were always touching me. You never touch me now.”
“Are you… You mean…”
The heavy exhale that escaped her let him know she wasn’t exactly comfortable either. “I thought it was just the sex. I thought…” She blinked as her already red and puffy eyes filled with tears. “I thought that you didn’t want me because…I’m not…because you…you weren’t attracted to me anymore.”
His heart ached. “Annie—”
“Paul thinks—”
“You talked to Paul about this?”
She frowned at him, and he clamped his mouth shut.
“He dragged it out of me. He thinks you can’t be intimate with me because of something that you are going through, not because of me. And I realized, because of your bullheadedness, you haven’t gotten over feeling guilty that I got hurt on your watch.”
He stared at her for several moments. Initially he wanted to tell her how silly this whole thing was, but then he realized she was right. He hadn’t been able to be intimate with her, but it wasn’t guilt. Not exactly.
“You were my backup, Marcus. You were the second agent on site to deter any would-be trouble. But our plan failed. We fooled ourselves into believing that we were safe in pairs. That’s not your fault. You aren’t to blame. And you have to find a way to accept that you couldn’t have stopped this. You couldn’t have prevented what happened to me. It is not your fault.”
Clasping his hands together, he looked at them and sighed. “It seems like whenever I let my guard down, whenever I stop moving, I see you lying dead on the floor. I can’t get that image out of my head. When we’re in bed and you try to get close to me, not just like that—anytime we get close, it makes me think how much I love you. And thinking about how much I love you reminds me how close I came to losing you, and this fear just… God, Annie, it’s so strong and so real and so deep. It consumes me.”
“You have to talk about it.”
“Talking about it doesn’t help, honey. It makes it worse. It makes it so much worse. The only thing that helps is this…” He grabbed the papers. “Doing something to help you. I know it makes you crazy that I’m constantly in your face, taking over and trying to make things better for you, but helping you is the only thing that makes me think of something besides your death.”
“I didn’t die, Marcus.”
He shook his head as the image of her on the floor hit him. “You were closer to death than anyone has any right to come back from, Annie.”
Gently stroking her hand over his head, she tilted a bit to see his face. “Hey. I didn’t die. I’m right here.”
Dropping the papers again, he rubbed his eyes. “I know. But you don’t understand. You’ll never understand. I was there. I saw you. I watched you fade away until you were just a body lying motionless on the floor. There was nothing inside of you. You were gone.”
“I’m here now, but in a way, I feel like that’s not enough. I feel like you are missing something that used to be here. I wish I could give that back to you, Marcus, but I can’t. I can’t be what I was before. I’m trying, but it’s just not working.”
“No.” Putting his arms around her, he kissed her head half a dozen times before putting his cheek to her head. “Don’t ever feel like that. Please don’t feel like that. This is my problem, Annie. It isn’t you. I swear it isn’t you.” He kissed her head again, and she chuckled. “What?”
“I should make you pay me a quarter every time you do that,” she said. “I’d be rich.”
“I can’t help it.”
Her smile faded. “I don’t remember getting shot. I don’t remember much about that day at all. But I remember we were happy. We were about to have everything we’d denied ourselves for so long. When I woke up, it took a long time to understand how much time had gone by. It felt like I’d just taken a nap. You know how you doze off when you don’t mean to, and when you wake up, you can’t believe hours have gone by? That’s how it felt but on a much larger scale. Then it took so long to get my strength back and get my head to start working somewhat right. When I did, I just wanted to jump right back into my life, and it’s taken me a while to realize I can’t do that. But the one thing I can do, that never changed, was how much I love you and how much I want that life we said we were going to have. But I can’t have that, Marcus, if you push me away. And I don’t mean sex—please don’t think this is about sex. This is about the intimacy we had before that we don’t have now. We’re just living each day like it’s something to get through, one more obstacle to overcome. I feel like this is it. This is what we’ve got. No more jokes about running off to elope. No more Chinese food in bed. No more…anything. I need those things back because those things were us. That was who we were, but that’s not who we are now. I need something more in our lives than you taking care of me.”
He held himself together pretty well until she brought up the memory of eating in bed. He’d told her those were the moments that would make up their life. And she was right. Those moments were missing. Everything they were now was getting her through the day. Marcus swallowed hard, trying to control his emotions. “I get that. I do. You’re right. We’re still trying to find our footing, Annie.”
“No, you’re still bottling up your fears. You know I did that for most of my life. Just pushed my hurt away so I could move on and do what needed to be done. You know what happens when you do that for too long? You get cold. Aloof. And your employee has to sexually harass you to snap you out of it.”
He laughed quietly. “Well, I don’t have any employees. I guess I’m shit out of luck.”
She ran her hand over his back. “Please, Marcus. I am begging you. Get help. Reach out to someone. I don’t care who. Talk to someone before this completely destroys you.”
Inhaling slowly, he closed his eyes. “It was my job to protect you, Annie. I failed you. Never in my life have I failed someone as much as I failed you that day.”
“You didn’t fail me. You’ve never failed me.”
“I did.”
She pressed her cheek to his shoulder. “Do you remember that night after Paul’s wedding when we were talking on the couch? You said you could make me promises all night, but that didn’t make them true. I just had to trust you. The same applies here. I can sit here and tell you all night that this wasn’t your fault, but that won’t make you believe me. That kid brought the gun, Marcus. He chose to pull it out and aim it at me. Now, whether or not he meant to pull the trigger is irrelevant because he did. He shot me, and in a split second the damage was done, our lives were different. I can’t begin to imagine what you went through seeing me like that, but when you look at me now, I don’t want you to see that. I want you to see me. I want you to see that I love you. That I trust you and believe in you. That you never have and you never will fail me. I couldn’t have made it this far without you. Please believe that you haven’t failed me. I need you to find a way to forgive yourself for whatever you think you didn’t do. We can’t move on until you do. We can’t have our life until you do.”
Marcus closed his eyes. The image hit him. Annie shot. Annie bleeding. Annie dying. He choked on the emotion. She hugged him closer, whispered in his ear that she was right there. He tried to push the image from his mind, but it wouldn’t budge.
“Look at me,” she said softly. She put her hand to his cheek. “Marcus. Look at me.”
He swallowed hard as he met her gaze. The look in her eyes was concerned. Not blank. Not empty.
She was right there, and she was okay.
Pulling her against him, he hugged her tight and closed his eyes again. It took some effort, but instead of seeing her lying dead on the floor, he saw Annie smiling.
Chapter 17
Sitting in the conference room staring at a screen wasn’t the same as being the lead agent of her business, but it was something. Annie had to put all her concentration into what she was doing, but the large touchscreen tablet let her drag images around and make flyers for the office. Sure, any one of the other staff members could do it faster, but she was contributing, and that was more than she had thought she’d be able to do weeks ago.
“How’s it going?” Mallory asked, coming into the room.
Annie finished adding the number of bedrooms to the house description she was working on before looking up. “Slow but steady. Just like your old mom.”
“Old?”
Annie chuckled, but she sensed her daughter had something else on her mind as she sat at the table. “What’s up, Mal?”
“The company from California called. The position they’d hired me for just came open again. The guy they replaced me with didn’t work out. They asked if I was ready to come out now.”
“And you told them yes.”
“I told them I’d think about it.”
“Do it, Mallory. Go. It’s what you want.”
She stared at Annie for a few seconds. “It was. I don’t know if I want it now, Mom. I’ve kind of settled in here. I was just starting to think that you’re improved enough that you don’t need me living there with you and Marcus. You can be on your own more.”
“All the more reason you should go.”
“No, all the more reason I should buy a house of my own. In Stonehill. Close enough that I’m here, but far enough that you and Marcus can have your privacy.”
Annie shook her head. “No. Listen to me. I love you. I love that you want to be here, but I’m fine, Mallory. I’m still getting better. You can go to California without worrying about me. And listen,” she said before Mal could argue. “If you go and you hate it, you come home and you pick right up where you left off. I’ll never tell you that you can’t come back here. O’Connell Realty isn’t going anywhere. Marcus is seeing to that.”
Mallory sighed. “The last time I tried to move away, you got shot.”
“Well”—Annie shrugged—“maybe this time I’ll just get the flu.”
