Stonehill series collect.., p.9
Stonehill Series Collection, page 9
“It isn’t about that.” He pulled a chair out and dropped into the seat. “I feel like I’ve missed so much, not just of your lives but mine, too. I did all the things I was told I should do. I came back here after Dad died. I took over his business. I took care of Mom. I married the right kind of woman. I bought the right house in the right neighborhood.” He sighed heavily, and she eased into the chair next to him, silently waiting for him to continue. “A month ago, all I cared about was keeping the business alive so I could eventually sell it and retire. Now I’m a father.” He looked at her, still amazed at the transition his life had made. “I’m a grandfather. But at the same time, I’m not. What if I do something wrong and I lose them?”
Kara leaned close and held his gaze. “If he hasn’t walked away from me yet, he sure as hell isn’t going to walk away from you. Nothing you do, Harry, could compare to what I put him through. Maybe he doesn’t call you Dad, but he already thinks the world of you.”
Harry frowned at her words. “Don’t put yourself down to try to make me feel better.”
“When he was six, I was tending a lady’s garden in exchange for some of the fruits and vegetables. She had this one plant with the most divine strawberries. They were huge and sweet and juicy. Phil loved them. He sat down and ate probably a dozen of them. He woke me up that night so sick. The next day, he was fatigued and splotchy and had this hacking cough that wouldn’t go away. I felt so bad for him, I just kept giving him strawberries because that was all he wanted. After the second day, I took him to a midwife I knew. Turned out he was allergic to the strawberries. The very thing I was giving to him to make him feel better was making him sick. The midwife didn’t say it, but I’m sure she thought I was the dumbest broad ever for not figuring it out.”
Harry smiled sadly. “Well, I didn’t even know he liked strawberries, let alone that he was allergic to them.”
She grinned. “My point is, you feel like you failed him by not being there, but I was there. And I failed him, too. Lots of times. We can’t walk by someone eating strawberries without him reminding me how I very nearly killed him.”
Harry chuckled quietly. “At least he can’t accuse you of abandonment.” His amusement faded. “I don’t know what to do about my mom. How do I forgive this?”
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t think I can.”
“Sometimes I wonder if they ever worried about what happened to me.” She looked at her hands as she toyed with a ring on her finger. She blinked several times, but she couldn’t hide the tears in her eyes that always seemed to come with speaking of her parents. “I wonder if they ever feared that I’d ended up dead in some back-alley abortion clinic somewhere, my body dumped in the woods to hide the evidence.”
Harry closed his eyes and rubbed his fingertips into his forehead. “Jesus, Kara. The way your mind works sometimes.”
“Do you think that didn’t happen to girls who were in my position?”
His heart ached as he acknowledged that, yes, it did happen to girls like her, and yes, it could have happened to her. “I think they did worry about you,” he said quietly, hoping to wipe images of her death from his mind.
“I tried to call them so many times, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’d pick up the phone and look at the numbers, but I couldn’t dial. Part of me was terrified they’d reject me again. Part of me wanted them to be scared, not knowing. I thought they deserved the stress of worrying. By the time I realized how childish that was, so much time had gone by, I wasn’t sure they’d even want to know what became of me. I thought of sending them letters, like I’d done with you, but I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t going to apologize for having Phil. I won’t apologize.”
“Would you want to know? If it was Phil out there?”
She cut her gaze to him. “I’d never throw away my son like that.”
“I know you wouldn’t,” he soothed. “But if he disappeared, would you want to know what became of him? Would you wonder if he were okay? Want to know what he was doing with his life?”
She focused on her ring again before nodding.
“I bet they want to know, too.”
One of the tears she’d been trying to hide plunged over her lashes and landed in a splatter on the table. “What if they don’t?”
“Then they don’t deserve the time you’ve given worrying about it. If you go to them and they still think you deserved to be turned out, then it’s your turn to reject them because they don’t deserve you or our son, and they sure as hell don’t deserve our granddaughter. But if you go to them and they are repentant, ask for your forgiveness, and tell you they’ve worried about you for all these years, then you’ve managed to give even more back to Phil. And to yourself.”
“What about your mother?”
He sighed. “She played a completely different role in this. She was always controlling, but I never imagined her to be some kind of manipulative mastermind. I don’t know what to make of this. I need answers that only she can give me, but until I can get through some of this anger, I can’t face her. I don’t want to go to jail.”
Kara laughed quietly, and he smiled.
He used his thumb to wipe away a tear from her cheek. “Hell of a mess we’ve got, huh?”
“Yeah, it is. Phil really wants this to work for Jess. He’s determined to give her the stability that he never had. I want that for him. I want to be a part of that for her. But it’s so hard being here.”
“He’s not the only one who wants this to work. We’ve been a broken family for too long, Kare. You asked why your happiness mattered. Senior year, you had fourth period study hall in the library.”
She creased her brow, clearly confused by his jump in topics. “So did you. You sat at the table next to mine.”
“I wasn’t in study hall. That was my lunch period. I ate between classes so I could sit in the library and be close to you.”
“Wow, Harry. How very Fatal Attraction of you.”
He laughed softly. “I was going to have to sit alone at lunch anyway. I know we rarely spoke, but you were the closest thing I had to a friend back then. It was better to sit in there with you, even if you ignored me most of the time.”
“I wasn’t ignoring you. I was just as socially awkward as you were. I didn’t know you liked me.”
“Well, I did. A lot. You’re more than just the mother of my child, Kara. When I think of high school, every good memory I have is of you. I measured all the women in my life against you. Do you know why I even noticed my ex-wife?”
“Do I want to know?”
He grinned and ran his fingers over her hair, gently pulling a strand. “The first time I saw her, my heart leaped in my chest. She had her back to me. All I could see was this long, wavy, strawberry blond hair that reminded me of you.” He smiled softly. “Of course she wasn’t you. She didn’t even come close. Your happiness matters to me because you are a part of me. You always have been. Even before I knew about Phil.”
“Yeah, well…you’ve always been a part of me, too. Unfortunately, I hated you for the better part of the last three decades.”
He ran his hand over her hair again. “You were my best friend back then. The girl I adored. I want you to be happy because I still adore you and I still feel like you are my friend. Only now, we are family and have to come to terms with a lot of things. We have to help each other. It’s the only way to make sense of any of this.”
Kara shook her head slightly. “If there is any sense to be made. But you’re right. We have to get through this together. I’ll help you if you’ll help me.”
Standing, he pulled Kara with him and against him in one move. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her close. “I’ve wanted to do this since I saw you in Seattle.”
She hugged him back, resting her cheek on his chest. He kissed the top of her head and inhaled her scent. She didn’t douse herself in the heavy perfumes his ex-wife had used. Kara smelled like a summer day—sunshine and fresh air. He would have been content to hug her all evening if he hadn’t heard Jessica’s mile-a-minute chattering coming their direction.
Kara pulled away and turned back to the sink as Phil came in carrying a deck of cards.
“Uno,” Jessica said, heading to the table. “We found Uno. Come on, guys, let’s play.”
And with that, all of Harry’s worries about facing the past faded away.
9
“Come in,” Kara called in response to a knock at her door. She didn’t have to turn from her easel to know it was Harry. Two weeks into living in his house, and his presence in her room had become a nightly event. It was odd to Kara how easily they had fallen into a routine. Not just she and Harry but all of them.
Harry’s evening routine, however, brought a smile to Kara’s face. After dinner, they played a game as a family, usually Uno since it was now Jess’s favorite, and then Phil went to work on getting Jessica into bed and did his usual decompressing in front of the television.
Harry sat with him for a while before appearing in Kara’s room, usually with wine or a snack. He sat on the bed chatting about things she only half listened to while she worked on whatever project was speaking to her. Jessica used to be her constant companion while she painted, sewed, or created some other artistic vision. She’d grown used to the talking. Otherwise, she probably wouldn’t have appreciated his company as much as she did.
He walked in behind her and handed her a mug of steaming tea.
“Decaf?”
“Of course.” He took a moment to look at her painting. “Where are the fairytale creatures?”
“No unicorns in this one.”
“I think it could use a few.”
She lowered her brush and skimmed over the painting. It was darker than her usual work. A reflection of the storm brewing inside her, she suspected. “I told you I have a problem with consistency.”
She turned at his lack of response. He was holding up a canvas.
“This one,” he finally said.
“What?”
He showed her a piece she’d done for the gallery opening. It was bright swirls and whirls that came together to make up a woman holding a little girl’s hand as they stood under umbrellas.
“This is the one I want to buy.”
She waved her hand at him. “Take it.”
“No, I’ll buy it.”
Kara dismissed the notion with a laugh. “You are not buying art from me while I am living in your house, Harry.”
He lowered the painting. “The first piece you sell here should be to me. How much?”
“Fine. Five dollars.”
“I’m serious, Kara.”
“So am I. I forgot to get thread for Punky’s dress, and I don’t have any cash.”
“Why do you guys call her Punky?”
Kara shrugged. “I don’t know. It just sort of evolved. Pumpkin. Punkin. Punk. Punky. No reason, really.”
“Oh. Okay. I thought maybe there was a story I had missed.”
“Nope.” She sighed as she examined her painting. “This is awful.”
“Hardly.”
“I can’t work on this any more tonight.”
He started for the door. “Good. Let’s go.”
“Where?”
“You said you need thread.”
She lifted her brows at him. “Now? It’s almost nine o’clock.”
“Clean your brushes and come on.” He left the room.
By the time she emerged, ready to go, Harry was hanging her painting in the entryway. He’d actually taken down one of the hideous art deco pieces that had been making her cringe every time she entered through the front door.
“Better, huh?” he asked.
“Infinitely.”
He chuckled. “I can’t believe you haven’t painted the walls yet.”
“I’ve been busy.”
“Maybe when Jess is in school.”
Kara frowned at the thought of Jessica starting a new school while Harry called out to Phil that they’d be back.
“I saw that face you just made. She’ll be fine,” he said as they left the house.
They climbed into his car, and he was backing out before Kara voiced her fears. “Kids aren’t always nice to her.”
“Kids aren’t always nice to anyone.”
“You know what I mean.”
He put the car in drive and started down the street. “Does she get teased a lot?”
“Sometimes.”
“I hate that.”
She focused out the window. “If they’d give her a chance, they’d see she’s just like them. She has the same likes and dislikes. It’s just getting them to see beyond the Down syndrome.”
Reaching over, he put his hand on her knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. “She’ll learn how to handle things on her own. She’s growing up.”
“She probably handles it better than I do.”
“What about Phil? How does he handle it?”
“He also handles it better than me.” She was quiet for a few minutes before confessing, “These last two weeks, Harry… I don’t know what to think sometimes.”
“About what?”
She turned her face to him. “Things are going so well. It’s scaring me a little.”
“Do things usually go badly when you move?”
“Not bad. I guess I’m just used to Phil whining about missing his friends or wanting to do things we couldn’t do. He’s never been so easygoing with transition before. And he’s never gone so long without blaming me for something.”
“Maybe he’s growing up, too, huh?”
“Yeah. Maybe we all are.”
“’Bout time.” He squeezed her knee again, and she realized he hadn’t removed his hand. She tried to be causal about it, but now that she’d noticed, heat rolled through her.
Nope. Nopity, nope, nope.
They’d fallen into a great little life over the last few weeks. She wasn’t going to blow it by letting herself become attracted to Harry. Okay, more attracted to Harry. She’d always been attracted to him. She’d decided junior year that she would lose her virginity to him. It had taken her until graduation night to act on it.
She’d been terrified as she’d walked across the room and taken his hand. The loud music had been a great excuse to go upstairs with him. They’d found a vacant room, which thankfully had a bed. She had been expecting to have to kiss him, but she’d looked up at him as the full moon shone through the window and he’d made the first move, pressing his lips to hers. She’d pushed him onto the bed and straddled his hips as he’d stared up at her with wide eyes, looking as terrified as she’d felt inside.
It hadn’t been as artfully romantic as she had imagined. It was uncomfortable. It was awkward. Their kisses had ranged from too dry and quick to too slobbery and drawn out. Her hips hadn’t cooperated in the ways she had wanted, and he had finally rolled them over. But then, she couldn’t exactly say he’d been graceful either.
Her first sexual encounter had been with the boy of her dreams, but it certainly hadn’t lived up to her expectations. She was quite embarrassed about it now. If he had the same memories of that night, she had to wonder why he’d held her in such high regard for so long. Certainly his ex-wife had exceeded Kara in the sex department, at least as far as Harry could attest to. If not, Lord help the poor man.
For some reason the idea of Harry with another woman, even if he had been married to her, didn’t sit well with Kara. She certainly had no claim on him, but that didn’t seem to stop her from feeling like they were somehow connected in a way that no other woman had business even trying to touch. She hadn’t exactly been celibate over the years. Plenty of men had slid into the places that Harry had been the first to touch, but they had always made her think of him.
Was that normal? Did most women think of their first every time after? Or had Harry had the same kind of hold on her all this time that he claimed she’d had on him?
“Kare?”
She blinked until she could focus on him. He was grinning slightly, just his little half grin that was so undeniably adorable. “Hmm?”
“We’re here.”
Damn it. “Oh.”
“You okay?”
She nodded a little too excitedly and then hopped out of the car. He followed her into the craft store as she went straight to the thread section. She dug into her pocket, pulled out the scrap of material for the dress, and started trying to find a matching thread. Once she found what she needed, she turned to head to the counter. Only then did she realize she’d lost her shadow.
She headed to the main aisle and started walking, checking row after row of crafting supplies looking for Harrison. She found him talking to a woman in an aisle filled with canvases. Again, she had a twinge of something—certainly not jealousy—strike her, but she pushed it away and started looking at the paints and brushes in the next aisle.
Her ears perked when she heard him saying, “She had a gallery showing in Seattle. Her agent set it up for her, but he doesn’t represent her any longer.”
The woman said something in response, but her voice didn’t carry as far.
“That’s perfect. I’ll let her know,” he said.
Kara was tempted to poke her head around the rack and find out what he was talking about, but she was too busy mentally kicking herself.
What the hell was that all about? She’d never been the jealous type. One thing she’d learned from what she had perceived to be Harry’s rejection was that if someone didn’t want her, to hell with them. She’d find someone who did. She’d had relationships before, and never had she been jealous. She wasn’t about to start now. And definitely not with someone she wasn’t even in a relationship with.
She did her best to look oblivious when Harry’s footsteps started down the aisle. He walked by the aisle and then came back when he realized he’d passed her.
“There you are,” she said.
He looked at the paint in her hand. “Need that?”
“No. Not really. What is that?” she asked about the canvas he was holding. She guessed the frame was about thirty by forty inches.
