Rivers end boxset volume.., p.114
River's End Boxset Volume 3, page 114
“Should I drive?” Daisy asked. He didn’t answer as he tossed her the keys to his truck. She took them and drove the dark roads to his isolated, rural ranch. Only the outbuildings had lights, but the rest of the buildings were pitch dark.
“That’s weird. Hunter is staying with me now. Wonder why it’s so dark.”
“I’m sure he knows,” Daisy said softly. “His mom would have texted him. Looks like he cleared out to give you more space.”
They entered the house to find it empty. Just the two of them now. It was well past four in the morning and Daisy’s eyes were rubbed raw from crying so much and lack of sleep. The urgent desire to simply shut her eyes for a few hours was so strong, she had to force them open wider. Her exhaustion overcame her whole body, even her bones.
But she came there for Asher. Oh, Asher.
Asher stood near the counter and took out his wallet. He seemed utterly lost as he stood in the dimly lit kitchen, in the middle of the night, close to dawn, just after losing his mother. It seemed like he entered a new, but horrible world. He needed to sleep. He needed to have a small reprieve from the endless heartache that was sure to follow.
She walked over to him and set her hand on his back. “Come on.” Tugging his arm, she walked him upstairs to the master bedroom. The long years of hard work, sweat and toil, as well as the materials required were all provided by Asher. The drapes were open, allowing the moonlight to provide a silvery path to his unmade bed.
He sat on it with a heavy sigh. Daisy undid his boots. Then she pushed his chest backwards. He flopped onto the bed. She worked his belt and pants, pulling everything off except his sweatshirt. She slipped out of her shoes and pants and snuggled beside him. She tugged on the sheets and blankets, forming a cocoon around them.
Cuddling close to him, she lay her head on a pillow and pulled his head closer until it was right on her chest. He didn’t resist, sliding his hands on either side of her torso and holding on. Lying flat on their backs, they clung to each other. Her fingers idly played with his hair and he didn’t talk. Occasionally, his fingertips on one or both hands sank into the flesh of her sides where he held her. Maybe his thoughts or emotions strengthened his grip on her. Then he flexed and relaxed. That went on until she was sure his even breathing meant he was sleeping.
Thoughts and emotions kept her awake despite her exhaustion. Images of Asher fleeing up the hillside and knowing the pain he had to endure. A turbine of negative emotions swirled inside him. An undying rage gave him the strength to scale the mountain. Daisy knew why. The news traveled fast as lightning. Everyone around her cried. From her father to her sisters and even her brothers-in-law. Kate was a linchpin in the family. Jack’s sister demonstrated both compassion and cool logic, a confidence that made her a dynamic force so central to all of their relationships.
Strong. Awesome. Amazing Kate. And now she was dead.
Asher’s body jerked in his sleep and he sighed with restlessness. Touching her head to his forehead quieted him. Tears fell freely from her eyes. No more. Her eyes ached from so much crying. She had to sleep now. To deal with and face tomorrow. Tomorrow when Kate’s untimely death would hit them fresh and anew. Daisy’s eyelids felt like fifty-pound weights were attached to them.
At some point, Daisy drifted off but awakened with a start when she felt Asher’s hands on her lower ribcage. Blinking at the gritty rawness of her eyelids, she realized it was daylight and almost sighed with relief. She must’ve slept because the aching and dryness were slightly less intense.
She blinked again as his hands touched her stomach and moved along her ribcage. Asher was curled on his side and seemed to be all around her. He held her tightly. Asher was awake.
“Are you sure?” she asked not in a whisper. There was no denying what his touch meant. She knew it so well. It was very familiar after hundreds of mornings—when they were together.
“If you are. It’s because of grief.” His tone wasn’t a whisper either. He was wide awake.
“I know. For both of us.”
“And…?”
“And I like how you feel to me right now. I want it if you do. I hope it helps you… because it will help me.”
He didn’t speak for a moment and his hands caressed her skin. The friction quickly made her stomach percolate, something she’d have said was impossible last night. But it was Asher. So naturally, it happened. He slid over her, his body so accustomed to hers, it seemed like she was back home after spending far too many years away.
His hands rubbed her, dipping to her stomach and going between her breasts before diving into the hollow of her throat. His mouth landed there, peppering her neck with small kisses before pressing his tongue inside her mouth. Tears fell from both of them as their mouths caressed each other and became re-acquainted. The love they once shared still existed between them.
His body slipped inside hers. Legs spread, Daisy lifted her hips to cushion and welcome his hard, demanding length. She was on fire with desire and seeking complete satisfaction. She loved how it felt to have him home again. His home was deep inside her. That was where he belonged. His mouth moved to her cheek and eyelids and forehead.
“Are you on birth control?” Asher asked.
“Yes.” She used the same birth control she had when she was dating him.
He pulled himself free before ramming himself fully inside her. There was no hesitation, he just began hammering into her, claiming her for himself. The past was over now. But the chance to feel powerful again was hard to resist, especially when life so clearly demonstrated how powerless they were. Both were glad to let go and be out of control.
That quick, the hard, loud, colossal storm of emotions fused them to each other. She held him tight, and he desperately tried to fill her up with his love. The fit of their anatomy allowed them to stay joined as they pressed against each other with heaving, straining cries and rocking hips. He rested his forehead on hers as they proceeded in sync. Staring at each other, their mutual need to soothe their grief and hurt intoxicated both of them. Tears blurred her eyes, and she knew Asher was only crying because of losing his mother, not because they engaged in sex.
Her compassion for him was also directed at herself.
Finally, she threw her head back and let her scream release her joy and agony. There was nothing quiet or new about their sex. It was comfortable and crazy. Hot and demanding. Two people who pleasured each other in all ways and stirred up vivid emotions were now consigned to grief.
He was primed with her, falling onto her body, and pinning her there while groaning her name before he collapsed.
Moments passed and he shut his eyes before saying in a quieter, calmer voice, “Daisy? We’re not getting back together.”
“I know. Our grief demanded expression. We fulfilled a need. Friendship and love will always prevail. That’s us.”
“Yes. I just want it clearly understood.”
“By whom? You or me?”
“I think, me.” He buried his face in the crook of her neck and she held him when his tears dampened her skin. She didn’t even try to console him but held him tightly to her.
His tears revealed his emotional fragility, meaning, he was no more ready for her now than the first time they were together and broke up. His feelings, however, kept swirling in his brain and were impossible to ignore.
“You know I’m always available to you no matter what. Anytime. Anywhere. Whether I’m here or not.”
He bent down and rested his forehead on her bare shoulder. His eyes were awash in tears. Daisy’s heart lurched, hurting with so many feelings all at once, and confusing her. Having him so in tune with her helped. A lot. But seeing his pain only increased hers, and the chaos that ensued hurt more.
“Don’t do that. Don’t make any promises. We did all that before. This is just…”
“Grief,” she supplied when his words ended prematurely.
“Grief.”
She cupped his face in her hands and leaned forward to place her lips on his. “Mine as well as yours.”
He welcomed her kiss. Their tongues tangoed. It was both comforting and heartbreaking. “What do I do today?” he whispered as he kissed her lips again. “What about tomorrow?”
She kissed him as she answered, “Breathe. Survive. Think in the moment. Survive for five minutes. Then make it ten. Just do an hour at a time. Don’t even think beyond that.”
“It sounds too hard.” His breath shuddered.
“It is,” she confirmed softly.
He finally asked her, “How long are you staying?”
“The week? I suppose until—”
The funeral. But how to say that to him?
“Until then, do you want to stay here?”
She flipped over and nodded. “Nowhere else.”
Until next week when she left. But she didn’t add that. For now, this moment, the next five minutes, and the next hour, Daisy would take her own advice.
They lay quietly for a long while before Asher released her. He slid to the edge of the bed and announced, “I’m going to shower now and go to my dad’s.”
“Do you want me to come with you? It’s fine if you need some quiet time.”
“No. Come with me.”
CHAPTER 16
ASHER LEFT THE ROOM. Daisy stared up at the ceiling, wondering why her heart sped up with such delight at being wanted by him. Especially when it was so useless and inappropriate for her to feel that way. Grief. Friendship. Love. Their history was the connection. Asher had nothing more to give. And anything emerging during this time period was a heartache in the making as neither of them were in their normal state of being. Terminal illness and losing a loved one prompts anyone to revaluate their lives. Not the ideal time to make any choices or decisions. Or overanalyze what they might or might not feel towards one another. Exacerbating that was their shared grief and sorrow. Watching the slow, agonizing death of someone they both loved was another bond they shared.
Logically, Daisy understood that and hoped she could hide her heart and emotions behind the logic. Let her stay in the now, living for the present without labeling what she might or might not feel at this time. This moment was unique, elevating it to an event. It was different and surreal, yet in truth, as real as life gets. Not the ideal foundation for a permanent relationship or cohabitation.
For now, Daisy was with Asher in mind and spirit.
After Asher came out of the shower and put on fresh jeans and a sweatshirt, Daisy showered. She had to wear yesterday’s clothes and made a mental note to grab a few things on her next trip home. For now, in this specific sliver of time, they were content to spend it together.
Asher drove to AJ’s house. Quietly entering the solemn residence, Asher found it worse than yesterday.
AJ wasn’t up yet but Charlie was there. A desk full of paperwork surrounded him and he seemed to be checking out something important. Asher stared at it for a moment and asked, “Funeral arrangements?”
“Yeah.” He gave Asher a grim look. “You don’t have to bother with this if you don’t want to. Cami can’t. But don’t feel obligated.”
Asher nodded as he sat down. “Mom planned all of it?”
A small smile touched Charlie’s lips. “Pretty much.”
Asher sat across from Charlie. “I guess I want to help participate.”
Daisy’s heart swelled with pride. That was a huge step forward. Not only was Asher trying to honor his mother by helping to implement her wishes after her death, he was no longer denying it.
There were moments when her life seemed normal. Everyone was okay. Then the impact of losing Kate would rip through Daisy and she’d wonder, what if it were Allison, her mother? How could she ever get out of bed and face another day? Would she be standing here? Could she smile or laugh or love again? How could she ever survive such a loss?
Daisy knew how deeply connected Asher was to his mother. So, she found it hard to imagine how he managed to function. The magnitude of his loss barreled down on her like a cinder block. Flattening her in place and preventing her from moving on. How could anyone go on after what happened?
But what choice was there? It was a fact of life that happened every second of every day. No matter what your belief, the pain of losing a loved one didn’t just evaporate. Even those who trust in reincarnation and believe that death only leads to a better life can’t avoid the longing for lost companionship and love from the deceased.
Kind words from others offering help and comfort mattered, and people gathering to share their sympathetic condolences also mattered. The need for remembering the loved one by reciting fond memories and good times mattered too. That’s why the funeral arrangements were so important to Kate.
But in the end, losing Kate was still an insufferable loss that nothing could replace or restore.
Grief would become a familiar companion to Asher, Charlie, Cami, AJ, and Daisy; and the list didn’t end there. A gathering of so many compassionate people loving and relying on one another, caring and expressing their joy at having Kate’s presence in their lives, could not make the loss more tenable.
The next few days passed in a haze. Mostly, everyone talked about Kate. So many tears fell, only to trigger more tears and weeping. Cami could hardly get out of bed. She took naps that lasted three hours every afternoon. AJ was mostly silent and sad, lifeless as a stone. He was there, but rarely had anything to say or share.
However, he was always pleasant and nice. No one could fault him for deflecting his loss and unending pain on those around him.
But he wasn’t really connecting with anyone. He was like a leaf on the breeze, floating aimlessly without any direction and not caring in the least where he landed.
Daisy didn’t go back to Chicago but stayed close to all of them. They spent most of their time at Asher’s parents’ house. They went to his ranch to sleep but returned bright and early. It seemed like everyone needed each other’s presence, although it hurt to be together. No one asked why she and Asher were inseparable. Or remarked when she slept at his house.
But as for the sex, there was a lot of it. Usually quietly at night, when they were physically and emotionally exhausted, so wrung dry, neither had the energy to even grunt or moan with pleasure.
Sex allowed them to feel something. To know they were still alive. A unique way to give and receive comfort that couldn’t happen in any other form.
Some mornings, they awoke each other with soft strokes and sighs before making love. Others were harsher, harder and more primal, usually at night. The lazy mornings were peacefully comforting, and Daisy felt more like herself.
She knew the sex was their way of coping with the absence and sorrow Asher experienced each day. She felt the same hollow emptiness, but what she felt for Asher eclipsed her own sorrow.
Finally, the day of the funeral arrived. Daisy awoke to find Asher already out of bed, staring out the long, narrow, vintage window. Two of them flanked the sides of his bed and seemed to frame the matching nightstands. They had long, lacy drapes that Asher rarely closed. With literally zero neighbors in sight, there was no need to cover the windows.
Asher seemed so lost and sad, making Daisy’s heart twist with pain. It happened quite often over the last five days. Ever since she met him on top of the mountain. Alone. Hurting. Angry. Grief-stricken. And in denial. Stubbornly refusing to deal with what happened and what he faced.
His pale profile was like a ghost and his haunted expression was unbecoming. He rested a hand on the window casing and simply stared out. Dressed in a suit, his undone necktie was hanging loosely around his neck. His hair was still damp. Daisy admired his perfection, silhouetted by the window and her heart dipped at the unspoken, but obvious sadness that clung to him.
She slipped free of the bed and came up behind him. He didn’t react. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she pressed her face into the middle of his back.
No words were necessary. There were none to say or share. No reason to comment on the obvious.
He knew. She knew.
It hurt and it sucked and nothing in the world could fill the deep hole. No scab to cover it. It was a raw, fleshy, inflamed, infected wound. But Daisy was there for him and he knew that was all she could do. They stood still for five minutes or more.
Finally, she released him and stepped into the shower before preparing herself for the miserable, dreadful, cheerless day.
They agreed to meet at his parents’ house. That was the usual routine for the last week. But this time was different. Everyone they knew were there. All the residents and guests of the Rydell River Ranch were dressed in formal wear. Tears filled many of their eyes, both male and female. All of them loved Kate.
AJ finally appeared and he took Daisy’s breath away in a gasp. He was freshly showered, and his hair was combed back. The blond strands were graying at the temples. AJ never seemed to age. Just a few more wrinkles on his weathered face.
But his large-framed physique was still intact, and his muscles were more defined than most men thirty years younger than him. His formal suit was black, classic and conservative. He looked like a proper gentleman, whom he often said Kate should have married. But he and everyone else knew that Kate never looked at another man, no one but AJ, since the day they met.
AJ was dry eyed and composed.
“Dad?” Cami let out a small cry and a sniffle before rushing over to him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and began crying.
“You look nice,” Asher said as he approached his father.
AJ nodded. “Your mom would approve, huh?”
Cami looked up at him through teary eyes and replied, “Yes. But she preferred the shorts and cowboy boots you liked to wear to the beach. Always called you—”
“Her muscle-bound, dorky cowboy.”
AJ smiled, but shed no tears. “She did. But I think she’d like this.”
“I’m sure she would,” Asher said, his voice cracking, but his eyes stayed dry too.
