Rivers end boxset volume.., p.27
River's End Boxset Volume 3, page 27
“It can’t be though. I’m not the one who got hurt.”
“But, Quinn, you’re affected. I’m affected. Allison. Rose. We all reacted to what happened to Iris. It’s the toughest thing I’ve ever faced. That’s why it’s so hard.”
“I don’t know how to do anything right.”
“But yet, you are and you do for her. That’s what matters. Just continue to try. Listen to her. Figure it out as you go along. That’s all any of us are doing, especially Iris.”
“Mr. Rydell… I love her. How do I help her?”
He leaned back. “Shane. Just call me Shane, son. And I believe you. I saw how you reacted to her when she told us. But will you be there for the long haul? That’s how you can really help her.”
“Yes.”
“No hesitation?”
“None. There’s no point in my life, any of it, without her.”
“Damn, but your parents are pricks. You seem like a very fine son to have. And I think Iris attracts people with good qualities. I should have always trusted her.”
“No. You shouldn’t have. I never had any parenting. I don’t know anything.”
“Everyone needs it sometimes, son.”
Quinn’s eyes ached and he pushed his fingers into them. “I’ve never been anybody’s son.” His tone was rude, raw, and bitter.
“Then just be Iris’s boyfriend. You care about what her family thinks of you now so just act accordingly.”
He laughed dryly. “That was pretty much her first message to me.”
“Look, Quinn, I’m sorry for the shit family you have. It only shows that money is just a means. It isn’t life. I was floored by the amount you were alleged to have. And you had the attitude to go with it. But when you took Iris as she was to that Seattle function, it told me what I needed to know about you. You are more than your family and whatever they said you should be. Be with and for her. It’s awkward, but if you think I want my daughters to have a less than full life, you’re wrong. I want them to have healthy relationships that include love and intimacy. They deserve that more than everything. So whatever happens, you must share her future. We, Allison and I, are her support, and we give her a place to land, but you are her future, if you want to be.”
“I do.”
“Then I believe you’ll figure out how to make it happen.”
Quinn sucked in a breath. “I guess I needed to hear that. I wanted to know that you both have confidence in me. I mean… I didn’t know…”
“I didn’t either. When I first met Allison, she was grieving over the loss of a daughter who was stillborn. I had no idea what that felt like. I had no idea what it meant to a mother. I knew nothing. Except I loved her. And we were a bit like you and Iris. We didn’t look like we matched at all, but we always did, and we still do. I had to figure out what she needed from me. I had to watch her go through it, grieving and hurting, but I never stopped caring about her and supporting her. I tried to make her feel less alone with it. That’s what you could do for Iris.”
Quinn stared at Shane. He was captivated. Listening. He never had anyone share their personal experiences to give him advice, or teach him a life lesson. No one took the time to care enough to even try. “My dad never gave a shit. And he’d never divulge something so personal with me.”
“Funny, my dad wasn’t that shitty, but he didn’t like me as much as he did my brothers. They were all horse freaks and ranchers. I wasn’t. And he let me know it. I can’t fully relate but I tried to make sure all my kids knew they were exactly as I wanted them. Each one of them. As is. Always. Rose. Iris. Violet and Daisy. They are as different as the flowers they’re named after.”
“Thank you for trusting me.”
“You looked like you could use a shoulder.”
“Until Iris, I never had one. What if I’m not good enough for her?”
Shane set a large paw on his shoulder. “You will be. Because you want to be.”
Quinn finished his beer and rose to his feet. “Thanks, Shane.”
Shane nodded. “It doesn’t have to be the last time we talk, Quinn. Just do it. Talk when you need to. It’s no biggie. I’m right here.”
Choked up, Quinn nodded. The man was huge, tough and… kind. So openly kind and demonstrative in his loving that Quinn couldn’t put all the things he was into the package Shane came in. He was outwardly incongruous.
And what? He could ask for help from Shane sometimes?
Iris stirred when she sensed someone there. Startling, she blinked her eyes for a second in panic and then relaxed.
Quinn.
Her boyfriend back from his private helicopter ride and empire building. It was a crazy unreality still for her.
He leaned down and ran his hand over her forehead, pushing the wayward strands back. Instead of quizzing her, he slipped onto the bed alongside her. Lying on top of the covers, he scooted in and simply lay there. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around him.
After a long while, she asked, “How did you know what to say when I told you about the…” She shook her head. “I can’t even say it now. It’s that shameful to me still. How can I ever get used to how it happened?”
He sighed and ran a hand along her arm, rubbing it in soft, rhythmic strokes. “I guess you don’t ever get used to it. I think someday the stigma and shame will no longer accompany it. But you don’t have to rush anything. It was shocking and traumatic, and you didn’t deserve it.”
“But the orgasm part. Why didn’t you act shocked or appalled when I told you that? I mean, I could see coming around in time. But the way I told you. My God, you had no warning. No time to think. That was your first reaction?”
“You. You were my first reaction. I’d do anything to ease the pain in you.”
“You told me once you were a prick. An asshole. You had a bad heart.” She slipped her hand up to his chest and placed her palm over his beating heart. She let the thumps fill her with courage. “You just had no one to give your heart to.”
“I do now, though?” he asked. His tone was so hesitant, Iris abandoned her own emotional quagmire to wonder why he was so unsure. How confused and almost unconvinced he sounded.
“You do. You have me.”
He slipped his hand to hers and cupped her fingers in his. “I… I’m struggling.”
“Well, geez. I wonder why. The stuff I said and explained to you is not exactly your usual date material.”
“I want to do right by you. I stupidly tried talking to my parents.”
She went still. He rarely spoke of his parents, other than when he was sarcastic, making disparaging remarks in passing that spoke volumes about the reality. “And they didn’t love the girl with a fuck you tattoo?”
“My dad told me to basically fuck you in hiding and never bring you out in public. When I said I loved you and you were raped and I didn’t know what to do, my mom said you were using it to get my money. They’re both monsters.”
“Well, wow. I wish I could argue they’re not. But that’s shit.”
“Then I came here and your dad, a guy who should hate me, didn’t. He doesn’t. He talked to me like I guess a dad should. Anyway, it was good. Helpful. I’m sorry, I am still struggling.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. This is hard on everyone. You can’t be perfect for me, right? You have to take care of yourself too.”
He leaned over and kissed the side of her face. “Your dad said the doctor helped. You want to talk about it?”
“Not yet. And I don’t want to report it. There is no proof and since I had an orgasm, some might believe I wanted it. So I prefer to avoid that experience.” She lifted a hand and waved towards the nightstand. “She gave me a bunch of literature and counseling stuff. It’s about the triggers and symptoms. The physiological ramifications. Insomnia, relating to other people. All kinds of side effects.”
He tucked her closer. “I’ll be here however you need me.”
“And who will be there for you?”
“You.” He hesitated, smiled and added, “And maybe your dad.”
“There’s no one closer to you? No friends?”
“Not for this. Not like this. No.”
She set a hand to his. “You do now. Me. Rose. My entire family.”
He clenched her fingers in his. “What do you need? Tell mean and I’ll do it or buy it or find it. Anything.”
She smiled sadly. “I don’t know what I need yet. I feel moody, angry, weepy, and so tired I just want to sleep and never talk about it again.”
“Then I guess you just have to feel those things as they come to you.”
She moved so she could see him better and leaned her forehead on his. “What about sex? How do we…?”
“God, Iris, I don’t know. That’s the last thing I’m thinking about. Why don’t we just see? Give it some time? Let it come up when it feels right? Unless… I don’t know. Whatever you want. I’ll try to do and be whatever you want.”
She sucked in a breath. “That’s enough. To know that. I don’t know how to proceed either.”
“But forcing it… is what brought this all out. And I can’t do that.”
She pressed her face against his. “I know. I was acting out. Trying to figure out the words. God, it’s not fair. Since the time I started masturbating, it was never hard for me to have orgasms. It never felt wrong or gross to me. Just wonderful. And when I started having sex, it was even better for me. It was never an issue. I think I had a healthy attitude about it, you know? It wasn’t an addiction, but I had plenty of them. By myself or with men. I mean, you and I were amazing. What if it’s never like that again? What if I’m all ruined now? What if I can’t ever be how I was?”
He rolled towards her, his arm snaking out to her hip as he pulled her body onto her side to face him. Their gazes locked. No hiding. “What if we don’t? We’ll figure out our new reality. We’ll take one step at a time. I have no promises for you. Just that I will never stop loving you. It’s part of what we have to go through. Healing. Someday. Maybe it’ll take awhile, or maybe not. I’ll do whatever you need…”
She cupped his chin. “What about your needs? Suddenly it’s all about me?”
“Yes.”
She smiled at his quick, sure, confident answer. There was no smile on his face; he was deadly serious. “I can’t have that all on me. You know? It’s too much pressure.”
He sighed and cocked his head. “Iris, I still have a hand. I can masturbate too. Okay? I’ll be fine.”
“I do too but I shudder when I think about touching myself. I never used to feel that way. Dirty. Gross. Ashamed of my own body. I hate him for doing that to me.” She started to cry. She hated herself. She thought her tears were dried for today. Turns out, they appeared whenever she didn’t expect them.
He gathered her closer to him. “I hate knowing he took that from you too. I never knew a woman like you. But your strong spirit will bring you through this. I have to believe that. Life isn’t over. Sex isn’t over. Normalcy isn’t over. It’s just in suspended animation for a while.”
She looked up at him. “I feel so numb. Disconnected from my own body and it scares me.”
She cried herself back to exhaustion. He let her. When she awoke the next morning, he wasn’t there.
Tired still, she didn’t want to get up. But she had to drag herself out of bed and into the shower. Frick. Every single symptom overwhelmed her. Fatigue. Apathy. Anger. Depression.
She hated being a cliché. A statistic. A stereotype.
But there she was.
All of those.
She glanced up. Violet stood in the doorway with a scowl on her face. Daisy hovered just behind her, with her shoulders slumped and head tilted. “What’s going on? Why are you staying in here? Why is your boyfriend? Why are he and Dad hanging around downstairs like they’re BFFs?”
That almost made her laugh. Poor, fatherless Quinn might have gained something good in this tragedy. Her dad. She sighed. It wasn’t fair to her sisters not to understand what was going on. “Come in. Sit down. There’s more stuff you guys need to know.”
She started with a soft, gentle tone. “Someone came in while I was working at the shop after hours, and… and he hit me, knocked me to the ground and raped me.” There was no getting around whom this would affect and how much. She had to speak about it. She never knew how she felt from moment to moment, so it was hard to tell others.
Violet cried. Daisy cried. Iris cried. Their mom walked in during the confession and sat with them. Iris finally calmed down and asked, “Is Quinn down there?”
“Yes. Dad and he are eating breakfast together… and discussing the land up around the high side of the resort. I’m not sure why.”
For the first time in a while, a spontaneous laugh escaped her.
When she walked downstairs, Quinn was seated at the family dining table. He jumped up when he noticed her. She appreciated all the concern, but it also felt strange. All the looks. The constant care from everyone was new and foreign to her.
How long before this ended and everyone went back to normal? Before she felt normal? Or felt something besides what she did now?
CHAPTER 16
WORK. IRIS NEEDED TO get back to work. And her life. She took a week after seeing the doctor to hibernate and grieve at her parents’ house. Honestly, it seemed like all of them needed it. From her parents, to her sisters and Quinn. They all stayed together. They indulged her and let her absorb what happened and what she’d admitted. It was all so hard.
But there was only so long she could stand that. She wasn’t used to sitting around and feeling so special. Or wounded. She longed to feel normal. Work was the best place to find that normalcy.
“I’m going to work tomorrow,” she announced at dinner and everyone whipped their faces up to her.
“Iris, there’s no hurry…”
“Oh, honey, maybe take it easy for a while.”
“Are you sure?”
She expected their concern and care. She understood why but she really needed to go back there. To work. To normal life. She was sick of thinking about her body and the rape and reliving it. The need to sleep all the time from the constant drain of emotions that ran through her had become odious. Mostly, she wanted to avoid thinking about it anymore.
Finally, she nodded and said, “I’m sure.”
There was hesitance owing to the location of her job, it being the place she trashed the last time she saw it. But that was when she was hiding and confused and acting out. Her rage was untethered and she should have handled it sooner. She took steps to handle it properly now. It was no longer hidden.
“I loved work. That’s been taken from me. My body doesn’t feel like it’s mine. My relationship with Quinn isn’t the same as before. I just want to do something that wasn’t changed by that. My passion for working on and fixing cars is still inside me. I want to do this.”
“Then you will do that,” her dad agreed.
Quinn nodded. “I should check in to work too.”
“Perhaps stay a few days in Seattle?”
He shrugged. “No, not yet.”
He didn’t discuss his empire, so Iris worried about it constantly. How could he be spending so much time with her and managing his workload? Especially so many miles away.
She arranged to go to work the next day. She was thrilled to get up and feel invigorated and almost normal. It was what she needed. She dressed in her jeans overalls and a black t-shirt, nearly bouncing across the ranch to the shop. She stared up at the Rydell Rides sign and ordered her heart to calm down. This was her place. It was daylight. She was okay.
She smiled when a hand touched her shoulder. She looked up to find Mateo. “Hey there, little Iris. Thought you could sneak in and do my work, did you?”
He was treating her normal. She could have hugged him. His eyes twinkled with caring and understanding; he did it on purpose. He knew what he was doing, all for her. She stared at him and mouthed, “Thank you.”
He nodded. “Come on, little Iris.” By her side, he walked in. She was so glad he was back at work and okay. Dad lifted all the charges and made Mateo a part of her life again. And Rose’s life too, amazingly. Iris stopped dead when she got inside. Mateo had switched their spots. She shot him a glance. He shrugged and looked away. “What, Rydell? Get to work. I can’t do everything. I needed a change.”
She nodded. As if. It helped her avoid walking over the spot… Those were vivid memories, duh. An old Ford sedan was in her bay. “So this needs new brakes. Figured… you got that.” Easy. With a grateful nod at Mateo, Iris walked over to her workbench. Taking a breath, she picked up the tire iron and approached the front wheel to get started. Focusing. Staring. In the moment and the zone.
Taking a deep breath, she got straight to work. She noticed the looks. Heard the concerns. But she ignored them. She stayed focused on her work. She didn’t stop for lunch. When she glanced up again, there was no one there. The noise stopped. All the clanging of metal. The machines running and the guys laughing. Lunch. Shit. She shook herself. Go and join them. But… fuck. She walked over to the spot. The trigger that nearly made her lose her mind. She slowly knelt beside it. It was just a spot. Concrete. No stain. Nothing. No sign. Nothing to say an act of violence happened here. It was wiped clean.
She set her hand on the spot. Where she trembled and hurt and burned before experiencing a sexual release that was so mortifying, she feared it would negatively affect the rest of her life.
She wasn’t so easily wiped clean. She realized that after a moment and an intense sadness filled her. Tears filled her eyelids. She blinked and stood up. She saw Mateo. He swooped down and took her elbow in his hand. His touch was so gentle, she hated it and needed it. He never treated her like that before. Like such a damn girl. He did now. “Hey, little Iris, come on. Let’s go out of here.”
She shook her head. “I need to work. I want to. I just looked down here. It was quiet and thoughts just drifted in…”
