Rivers end boxset volume.., p.41
River's End Boxset Volume 3, page 41
She let his tongue spear her repeatedly. Her response seemed so easy. Maybe the first easy thing between them. For Rose, Mateo was easier to be with than she ever felt with the opposite sex.
She opened her arms and let him press her onto the sleeping bag placed over the bare mattress that served as his bedding. His weight was on her top half and his hands slipped up her back to comb his fingers over her scalp. She let her lips tangle and twist and turn with his frenetic movements. His other hand slipped down the front of her, over her ribbed tank top and bra-covered breast. He stopped briefly to rub and squeeze and appreciate her body’s tight response before slipping towards the seam of her shorts. He firmly pressed into what was already hot and bothered and wet.
She whimpered and her hips thrust as she…
Crap. Again. Lost. So fast. Emotions morphing into raw hormones. Desire. Lust. Chemistry. Pheromones. Words vanish. Thoughts only of her body’s pulsating needs.
No. She couldn’t let it so quickly eclipse what she really wanted, and how she was. And yes, oh, yes, she loved the way he felt on top of her, and how she felt under him. But there was so much still to sort out. She had to figure it out. Talk about it. And this was the fastest way to stop all of that, something he didn’t want to do. It was the thing she most needed anyway. She wanted it too, but the need to figure out what they were (or weren’t) and her feelings about that and what she wanted to do next consumed her.
Meanwhile, she let him continue kissing and rubbing her until it was almost too late. Her skin heated up and her eyes all but rolled back in her head. No.
CHAPTER 6
ROSE RIPPED HER MOUTH away from his. Pushing against him, she whispered. “Mateo… no.”
No. The one word he understood and reacted quicker to than any other. No. He especially knew what it meant with women. With sex. And to get the fuck off and away from whoever uttered it.
He was not a rapist and would never be accused of it if he could help it. He was sensitive about his looks and reputation and what people assumed about him. It was too easy for someone like him to be accused and later caught. Most people would probably believe it.
He released her, letting her body flop back on his mattress as he jumped off her as well as the bed. He backed away from her as soon as he was on his feet.
Rose was a well-known, small-town girl from a prominent family. Shit. Fuck. He ran his fingers through his shaggy, loose hair. “I thought… I should have asked. At the moment…”
He stuttered and stammered, hating that she caused it. He hated all the things she said and the words she drew out of him. He didn’t understand why she insisted on analyzing it and talking about it. The easiest way to stop her was by ramming his tongue down her throat. And just like the first time, after one second of touch, they were one. Their contact seemed to milk and nurse and sustain each other. The coursing blood and heat were just as strong from her side.
But… Mateo, no.
So, no.
She lay back as if stunned for a moment, slipping her elbows underneath her as she struggled to sit back up. “It was. You didn’t do anything wrong. I was about to let you have… I mean, let us have sex again. I don’t want to do that, so I reluctantly made you stop. But you can relax. God, Mateo, I was just as interested as you.”
Relax. Easy for her to say. She wasn’t a tatted up ex-con in this small town.
He didn’t know what to say or do now. It was obvious when he’d opened the door to his hovel that she was angry and probably intending to bawl him out for fucking her.
Unless she wanted a repeat performance after she’d orgasmed so hard, long and fast. He felt more choking in his chest and a desperate need to get her away from his hovel. His glorified tool shed. Most of all, he didn’t want her to see where and how he lived. He didn’t want her to even get a glimpse of what and who he really was.
But Rose demanded entry. With no outward disdain or disgust, she never once complained of the stifling heat even when the sweat ran off her forehead and he felt it on her skin when he touched her.
But her response to his question of more sex was: Why would you say that to me?
Her words astounded him. The hurt and uncertainty almost made his knees buckle. He was chastised by her and also turned on; but he felt bad. He really did. He actually hurt her with his words, his ways and his assumptions.
She’d said a lot to him. So much that his brain ached. He’d never conversed so long before about… what? Their feelings? Who cared? Feelings just were. They existed. Why talk about them or give them breath and life?
They were not concrete or real. They changed so often, they only served to confuse and lead the way to one’s downfall.
No, Mateo didn’t give them much credence. He didn’t acknowledge his feelings for Rose while hoping she would notice. No, he was direct and pretty concrete when he said he wanted to fuck her. He did. It was over. Unless she wanted more. But then came the words. So many. And then… Maybe fucking and no. Not.
She rubbed her mouth with her hand, not to wipe off the taste of him, and she seemed almost surprised he was there.
Her pink tongue licked her lips then and his entire body tightened as his hot blood surged. He wanted her.
“We have incredible chemistry. I have never felt this way before. I didn’t know I was capable of it. But it’s not what I want, or at least, not like this. I need more. I can’t do casual sex. If you think you saw the real me before then you must have noticed that. I can’t do this just to scratch some urgent hormone release. I need more.”
Okay. Mateo all but escorted her out. More? Him and her? Fuck no. What the hell was she describing? How could that be? No… just no. His brain steamed when he tried to imagine it.
“Mateo, you said sex wasn’t always like that with other women, right?”
Okay, his sexual performance was a subject he could tap into and discuss. “No.”
“Me neither. But there was one part I hated.”
She was surprised to receive his undivided attention now. Performance problems? Fuck no. She was screaming. Full on screaming her lungs out while writhing under him. She was so open and wet he… fuck.
It turned him on every time he relived it. She was so open to him and lost and gone. “I had to cover your mouth to keep the white water rafters from hearing your moans of ecstasy. No way were there problems with my performance.”
She turned a bright, feverish pink. Her entire face was swallowed up in it. It almost made him laugh as his heart did something weird. It kind of twisted up and he didn’t want to fuck her for being so cute, he just wanted to touch her. “People were rafting past us?”
“You didn’t wonder why I covered your mouth up?”
“I guess I was too gone to think anything except maybe you didn’t like screamers.” Her voice lost its volume. Prim little Rose, a hell-cat in the sack, was so prim and proper in her daily life, she didn’t know how to talk about sex.
Mateo could fuck and talk about it just fine. It was all the other subjects she spoke about that he didn’t get or understand.
“I loved your noises. Your screams, Rosie. You were screaming.”
More blushing. Then she shuddered at the memories of what made her scream. “Did they see us?”
“I don’t think so. We were blocked by the bushes and I never saw any heads straining our way to look; and the constant roar of the rapids would have hopefully drowned you out.”’
She shuddered again. “Anyway, that would have been horrifying. But I didn’t like… afterwards.”
“After what?”
“When we were done. And you were lying on me…”
“I got off as soon as I realized I was crushing you.”
“That’s just it. You got off me. Like you didn’t… care.”
“Care?” He stuck his hands on his hips. What the fuck was she talking about?
She sighed. Her bangs flipped up at the air brushing past. “Could you sit down? It’s hard to discuss something so difficult when you’re standing above me, glaring at me.”
Chastised, annoyed, and yeah, grumpy, he flopped back beside her. “We could be fucking right now and skip all this talking.”
She groaned out loud. This time, he lifted his gaze to her and wanted to laugh. She was ticked at him. But it was non-threatening and almost amusing as he tried to figure out what really upset her about the best sex that she and he ever had.
“What do you mean, I didn’t care? You came first. I wasn’t mistaken on that. I wanted you to come before me.”
She freaking scowled back at him. “Oh, be still my beating heart.”
Puzzled at her sarcastic answer, he threw his hands in the air. “What did I do wrong?”
Shutting her eyes, she dramatically flopped back on his bed. Then she half-screamed into her arm before slowly rising back up. “Frick. You really don’t know? You don’t see it? Or understand?”
“No.” All the former glaring, scowling and being tough vanished. He answered honestly, unsure of what she wanted from him.
She slowly released another long breath. Dropping her shoulders, she began to relax and the next time she spoke, her tone was even and far more controlled. “Okay. So usually after sex, even with a new partner and when it’s spontaneous and kind of inappropriate, I don’t like feeling like I was no more than a convenient receptacle.”
“A convenient receptacle? What the hell are you talking about.”
“A caring gesture would have been nice. Some tenderness. I wanted… no, I needed… and I deserved a kind word, a caress, hell, even a pat on the shoulder would have probably worked at that point. But no. You got up, stared down at me with the same scary stare I have to wonder about before you littered the beach with the condom and… that was it.”
The images flashed through his brain and his temples started to throb. “I don’t know what you mean…”
“If we ever have sex again, it can’t end that way. Not for me. I don’t do casual sex. That’s why I’m speaking to you now. I’m trying to understand all the things I don’t. We should have done that first. You should have freaking asked me out. But fast forwarding past all that doesn’t mean it’s over or suddenly resolved.”
“Why talk about this now? It’s over. Done. We aren’t….”
“Don’t you want to do it again? I thought we agreed it was that good and special and the chemistry isn’t something either of us can deny. So…”
Special? The word evoked all kinds of connections in his brain. It repeated over and over. Rose thought something about him… she thought they were special? He stared at her, flabbergasted. At a loss. His brain had to be firing wrong. Blank and dumb, he asked, “You want to fuck again?” He repeated the very first thing he asked her at the beginning of this conversation.
“I want to figure out what happened first and whether to end it now or go forward. The chemistry is so strong we should consider… and yet… I really didn’t like how it ended. It hurt me.”
He hurt her. Those words stuck with him. He would never hurt her intentionally. Not knowingly. Or cruelly. He messed with Iris and Rose on occasion but never in a serious way. It was always joking.
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs and staring at the old, cracked linoleum floor below him. It was beige and white with a pattern of framed flowers in it. Repetitious. Old-fashioned. Hideous.
“I didn’t mean to. What? What would you want?”
She sighed. “You really didn’t know? Or mean to hurt me?”
“No. Really. It’s how it always ends for me. It just ends and we part and go our separate ways or whatever. I rarely do it with anyone twice. Maybe not at all in fact.”
“Oh.” Her tone conveyed nothing. Disapproval? Disgust? What? “Okay. Then perhaps we could try being honest and discuss what you want and what I want. Maybe we could… I mean, I want to have sex with you again. I do. But I know it won’t be enough for me. Guilt sets in. Justified or not, I’m hard-wired that way. I need a connection. I need more than just that.”
“Have you ever had sex for sex’s sake?”
“No.”
“Maybe you could.”
“I felt guilty and weird and I didn’t like that part. So I could not. Is that all you wanted? One time and you’re done with me?” Her eyebrows quirked down. Puzzled, and looking almost offended over what his answer might be, she nudged him with her hand. “Mateo, please tell me that wasn’t all you wanted. One time and we’re done?”
He smirked, unable to resist the obvious answer. “Well, maybe twice and we’re done?”
“No.” Her lips twitched. It was final. There was no negotiation. “If that is what you want and I can’t change your mind, then tell me and we’ll both be done right now. No more awkward talking for either of us.”
He sighed softly. “I never thought it out this far on my end. But no, I guess I don’t want it to be just one and we’re done. But why would you feel guilty if we did do that?”
She shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know. I just do. When you walked up the beach without a second look or glance at me, I felt dirty. Ashamed. Hurt. You just walked away after doing what I consider the most intimate and important act two people can share. Without even a smile. Or a wave. Or a look. Anything to make me feel connected, or noticed, or appreciated. I did not like it one bit. I can’t tolerate any more treatment like that. Just so we’re clear.”
“I never imagined you felt anything. Let alone, dirty or hurt. I don’t know my thoughts about it, but they were never intimate or important to me before. But…”
She shut her eyes as if to hold in a scream. “Please tell me you’re going to say, but it feels different this time. Please.”
“Yes,” he answered simply. He added no words to explain what it meant to him now or what he wanted or how to go about it. But he didn’t say he felt weird after sex with Rose and it remained on the top of his mind constantly. It was all he could think of.
Her eyes fluttered open and she shook her head. His reply seemed to pacify her for now. “Why do you feel guilty though?”
“I can’t imagine it’s owing to my parents’ upbringing. Iris never suffers from it. She’s just fine. And my dad is Shane Rydell. He is pretty vocal and out there about sex, including his encouragement to both of us to enjoy it. But I always felt oddly embarrassed, and I blushed while wishing he’d be less vocal about it. I guess I like it more subtle. I like to let it simmer on the back burner, even in the way I discuss it. Crass and dirty are not for me. I struggled with it during my teen years and college was even worse. That’s all people our age can talk about and making it as crass and curse-filled as they can. I detest that.”
That might have been the reason why she always held Mateo’s interest. She made him smile. Her prissy ways were kind of antiquated and annoying, but also, cute as hell to him. He never met anyone who was so guarded with herself, let alone, her words, true intentions and thoughts as Rose. He figured she could never emit a bodily noise in front of anyone or anything unless she were dying.
“I can try but… it’s always just been fucking to me. It’s balling and getting laid and getting sucked off and…”
“Yes, I understand your frame of reference to it.”
He nodded. “Right. Yes, doing it. I can say that?”
“I can’t stop you from saying anything. Tell anyone anything you want, but I would request that you don’t, if you respect my wishes at all.”
“I do respect your wishes,” he answered softly. He respected her perhaps more than any female he ever met. As much as he respected her dad. “I won’t tell anyone because no one can know. Your dad. Remember?”
“He really warned you to stay away from us?”
“No. Just from Iris. But I can still have my ass kicked and get fired over a technicality. I know what he meant. Don’t go near his daughters in a physical way. So…”
“So quiet now. Is it just us?”
“Yeah.” What? Did she want to do it again? But how if she wouldn’t give it up? What did she want? How did she want it? “But what is it between us?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know. But what happened was powerful and strong for me. I don’t want to ignore it, that doesn’t feel good either, does it?”
Damn. Rose was so forward and direct, she didn’t let anything go. Nothing was skipped or glossed over. He never suspected Rose would seek him out to talk about what they did. Talk so openly and real. She didn’t mince her words. She didn’t act coy or play games. She wasn’t at all what he expected or was familiar with. She was both refreshing and shocking to him.
“No. It felt even more awkward and harder to figure out. I just assumed you’d never want…” He let his words trail off. He didn’t dare utter the obvious word he should have: “me.”
He didn’t say he assumed Rose Rydell made a mistake and would never want him again. She only wanted him for a handful of moments because he caught her in her favorite spot and her guard was down to allow what happened to occur. But how could he admit the simplest and most meaningful point of his entire life? He didn’t think she would want him.
“The thing is, Mateo, I don’t even know you. So I can’t say. I know there is a physical connection. But that’s not enough. I’ll walk away and ignore it if that’s all you want or if that’s how it ends up being. But…”
“But what? What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I think we should simply spend more time together.”
His face morphed into lowered eyebrows, scrunched up mouth and darting eyeballs. “How do you want to spend it?”
She swiped her hand over her forehead. “I’m hot, Mateo.”
He all but closed his eyes, back to the thing he offered before the conversation. “I know. That’s how we ended up… doing it.”
“No. I’m hot as in sweating.” She shook her head, rolling her eyes. “No offense, but I’m suffocating in here. Could we just go outside? Maybe take a quick swim in the river?”
