Rivers end boxset volume.., p.48
River's End Boxset Volume 3, page 48
She ignored his response and walked up behind him. “What else do you like to read?”
He sighed and stomped the few steps to grab his phone. He pressed some buttons, then handed it to her. A library of books. So here, too, was where he spent his money. Fancy shoes and ebooks. Lots and lots of ebooks. Most of them said read on them. The titles included almost every single classic she could think of.
“All those times I saw you on your phone… you were reading?”
“Mostly. I’m a very fast reader.”
She set the phone down, taking in his complete library. She, like so many others, totally underestimated him.
“How were your grades in school?”
“I dropped out in my junior year. Remember?”
“But when you were still in it? Did learning come easy?”
“Yeah. I could have been a straight A student if I wanted to be.”
“Didn’t you, just a little?”
“Sure. But why all the questions?”
Sadness filled her heart but she didn’t tell him that. She grabbed his hand and tugged him closer to her, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. He, as usual, hesitated at first. Every single time she reached out to him seemed to floor him. She lifted up on her tiptoes and set a kiss at the base of his neck.
“I bet if you’d ever been allowed to live your life without your family’s inferior guidance, you could have excelled in the theater, acting, directing, or whatever. You could have also become a band nerd who got straight As and a full scholarship to any university in the country. I think if you had your IQ tested, you’d find out you were way above average, in the genius range most likely, and the saddest thing is that no one freaking noticed. No one in your life fostered it. No one cultivated or directed that insane curiosity you have about everything. You need new things to learn just to fill up the bottomless depths of your brain. Your brain is that beautiful and interesting; and you know it is. You know everything I’m saying is true. You were attracted to me for a reason and I think it’s because you sensed I might discover it. I might see it. See the real you. And I do, Mateo.”
She pressed her head under his neck, near his collarbone as she fully held him against her. At first, he was silent and did not respond. He reacted like that whenever he was unsure, or she was too close to him and he couldn’t process it.
Suddenly, his arms dropped to her waist, and he brushed his lips over her scalp and kissed her, nearly knocking the wind out of her with the pressure he used to yank her next to him. “Yeah…”
She didn’t expect him to reply, but he surprised her when he didn’t argue. She was flabbergasted he admitted it. “So you do realize how smart you are then?”
His shoulders shrugged. “Sure. It’s not like I never heard it before. I could read when I was four, two years before my older brother. I could do anything my teachers asked me to do and on the first time. I holed up at the local library, poring through stacks of books. As many as I could devour, usually at least one book a day. No one noticed or cared though.”
Her heart crumpled in her chest. Rose was pampered and loved throughout her school years and everyone encouraged her and did anything they could to help her succeed. Once, Daisy had some minor problems and their mom was the one who noticed and corrected them. Her mom and Rose taught kids who were the opposite of Mateo; they were smart but unable to accomplish simple tasks in their learning. Rose and Allison helped them read, and alternate ways to learn their multiplication charts rather than simply memorizing them with endless drills. They worked on spelling and sight words using different learning techniques, many of which were based on pictures.
“Imagine you as the band geek,” she said softly. She was kidding, but not really. Her tone was too tragic for it to be just kidding.
“Imagine that. Think the neck-tat would exclude me?” He teased her too.
She reached up and rubbed the tattoo. “You would have done big things, huh? If anyone who could’ve made a difference ever noticed or encouraged or helped you… Instead of going to prison, you might have gone to a great university on a band scholarship or from the drama club.”
“Maybe. It doesn’t really matter now. I have a prison record. I am a felon. The neck-tat says it all. It’s me, now, Rose. And hell. I also have a profession and a job that requires my skills and abilities. I have so much more than most of the people where I came from and used to know.”
“That’s not good enough now. No. You don’t have to settle or be indebted and grateful. You—”
He set his fingers on her lips, gently shutting her up. It was the first time he’d ever done such a thing. “You don’t know where I’m from. Or what I witnessed. Or how close I came to becoming it… yeah, this is very far. Now my life is freaking amazing and my successes exceed my failures. So I do have much to be grateful for.”
She let his words filter into her brain. She wanted to argue but she understood he knew this part of his life better than she did. She nodded. “Why did you seek me out?”
He let her go and tossed his long, lithe body onto the half-made bed. “Your red hair caught my gaze the first time I saw you. You came in to tell your dad something. Then your blue, huge eyes widened in shock at me when he introduced us.
“Iris and I were still circling each other like fighting roosters and then I noticed you. You were starting your master’s degree. Your dad was plainly proud as he introduced you and told me that. I never knew anyone who got a master’s degree. You were as rare as a unicorn to me. Beautiful. Different. Smart. Naturally, you caught my attention. But you were also afraid of me. Disdainful too, I believe. I was all the things you tried to avoid, and no sane parent would advise you not to. That was my reality and it should have stayed it. The truth? You have no business here.”
She flung herself at him and straddled his legs. He jerked back from where he rested his elbows on his knees to stare at the floor. Rose was knocking his arms away and he had to lean back even further to accommodate her as she straddled his lap.
Her knees were bent and her feet were under her butt. She grabbed his face in her hands. “I belong here. With you. I don’t care what you look like or what I look like. Strip all that away and we exist, Mateo, as two souls that connect and talk and our brains match. We love the same things. And we will explore those things. As far as the world can take us. We’re not done. Your life and mine are just starting out together. You are my reality and I am yours. So deal with it, Mateo Alvarez. This is so far beyond money or appearances or histories or even prison records. This is the real us.”
He gripped her neck with his hand and held her head still as he all but glared into her eyes. “Why are you being like this?”
“Like what?” she whispered as she licked her lips. Sometimes, albeit rarely, Rose glimpsed the harsher side of Mateo. The side that both attracted and scared her. That side was in charge, she believed, when Mateo held the gun on the clerk and shot him.
“Like… unbelievable.” His face didn’t lose its edge, nor his voice its meanness. But his eyes hungered for her. He liked what she said. And what she believed about him.
“Because I love you,” she said softly. They were words she never acknowledged out loud or even in her head. But the moment they passed her lips, she knew they were true. Truer than anything she ever said or felt. Truer than her eye color. She loved him. Everything about him. His history, his body, his heart, his brain and his thoughts. She hoped their future together was just starting.
He slightly freaked out and let her go. He pushed her torso back, almost dumping her to the floor as he prepared to fully jump up, but she grabbed his shoulders to keep her balance. “God, Rose. Don’t… Don’t say things like that.”
Grabbing her waist, he lifted her away from him. He set her on the bed and got up. He paced. The floor space was laughably small and his frustration appeared comical. But she didn’t laugh or smile at his obvious distress. He wasn’t ready to hear that. Or say it back. Or did he even feel the same? Probably all three. Maybe he didn’t feel it. But he still needed for her to say it to start to believe it.
Pacing, he muttered. “Why would you say that? Because I’m the ex-con you like to rebel with who gives you a decent fuck?”
Ouch. She flinched. He hadn’t resorted to foul language for a while. He was mocking what they had. What they found in each other. But she must have scared him because Mateo lashed out when he was scared. Or unsure. When he felt pushed into feeling something or being urged to talk or share.
“No, because you’re an ex-con who reads Shakespeare and Confucius, along with every single historical event of any significance and about the people who were featured in those events. You challenge me and demolish my previously held beliefs. You changed everything I used to think and feel, but in all the best ways. You make me a better person. And when I make love to you, I feel insanely amazing and I treasure those times and feelings. And no matter how hard you try to cheapen or degrade it, you know in your heart you can’t. Or change what it means to both of us and to each other. So yes, I love you. I’m not ashamed to admit I’m in love with you.”
She got to her feet. “Please don’t mock me. Or us. Or what we have together. I know I scare you when I talk like this. You think I’m playing with your emotions and that scares you. But please, don’t ruin this.”
He swallowed, looking like a feral animal that was cornered and scared. “I can’t promise anything… I don’t know… you don’t know what this is or… or even what you feel.”
“I do actually. But that’s okay, if you don’t.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Mateo, do you want me to leave?”
“You must want to. How do you know I don’t still pinch cars? After you leave, how do you know I won’t run out and knock over a few convenience stores? You can see I’m not rolling in dough. What makes you trust me to be the law-abiding citizen you want me to be?”
Sigh. Crap. He was still pushing. Rose recalled the first few days of being together with him. She smiled softly. “Well, now I trust you.”
“That’s it? Your criteria? Do you know how naïve and stupid you could be to trust me? I could make a total fool of you. I could use you. Or abuse you. How do you know I won’t do that? You haven’t known me long enough to successfully predict my behavior.”
“I know that Iris trusts you with her life and she isn’t naïve or stupid, is she? And my dad? He’s the least naïve person I know, besides you, and they both trust you. So no, I’m not worried you’re using or abusing me or my trust in you.
“I think you’re crying out for a prissy, straight-laced, naïve woman, like me, to notice how smart and interesting and wonderful you are. I think you’re looking for someone exactly like me to notice you. And now that I have, you’re uncomfortable. And you don’t trust it. Which I understand, given your history. Your upbringing versus mine. I was taught to trust myself and my gut before I trusted any others. You weren’t given that luxury. You were betrayed. Hurt. So yes, I believe you aren’t doing anything nefarious beyond what I already know about.”
He paced more and muttered. Then he frowned and scowled at her. She could easily picture his personality landing him in jail. Being nervous, hyper, and angry, the negative energy was steaming off him. But she had to hold onto that and remember he still had a lot to work through and a few weeks couldn’t undo all the years of molding he’d had to endure.
She got to her feet with a sigh and he stopped talking. She stepped out to pass him, reaching up to grab his arm and pull him to her mouth to kiss his cheek. “I’m going to get ready for work. You need to do that now too. But if you prefer, just stress over me loving you and stew on my trust for a while. I’m going now. See you tonight?”
Her tone was so pleasant. It was annoying. She all but chirped as she smiled. And she knew its desired effect: calming him and bringing him back to the present moment. It was the easiest way for Rose to extricate Mateo from the loop of fear and distrust that constantly replayed in his brain. “Okay?” she pressed.
He nodded and let her go. She smiled softly before turning to leave.
One hard conversation down, maybe a hundred more to go?
CHAPTER 11
SOLVING MATEO’S DISTRUST PROBLEM and overcoming his doubts regarding her and himself would take more than a few good talks and lots of sex. She understood that. It required immediate action and even if she had no idea what to do next, she had to keep trying. She hoped by nurturing his trust and belief in her, he would hopefully learn to trust himself.
December brought the snow and cold, with roaring winds and constant precipitation. Snowdrifts over a foot high covered the land. The Love Shack had to constantly keep the heaters running. Rose insisted on helping to pay his utility bill as keeping the place warm was mainly her idea. And she managed to keep it snugly warm.
In the months since their “I love you” talk, Rose said it to Mateo almost daily. He never reciprocated. Although he didn’t fully appreciate it, he quit pacing and snarling every time she said it. He apologized for the occasional times he burst out with a nasty comment about “fucking” in some version or another, which he only did to hurt her because he knew how much she disliked it.
He also used sex to show her the emotions he couldn’t articulate to her. He wanted her to feel them from him. And in that context, she believed he did love her. On a daily basis. He loved to kiss and lick and caress her in the least touched places she most craved, even though she blushed whenever she thought about it later or heard him talk about it. But oh, God, he did it with such loving care that she knew she meant so much more to him than anything or anyone else in his life.
“You are the most responsive woman in the world when you’re being eaten out,” he muttered into her thigh one day after her body climaxed hard.
She finally landed, coming down from her spiraling high, swatting his face on her thigh and chiding, “Damn it. Don’t call it that. It makes it sound so gross.”
He laughed and lifted his face before kissing her thigh, her mound, her stomach and one nipple, then the other, her neck and finally, her lips. “You didn’t consider it gross when you clamped my head between your thighs like a vise before screaming in ecstasy.” His eyes gleamed with pride. Oh, how he seemed to love to make her come. And embarrass her about it.
“No… but can’t you call it something that’s not so gross sounding?”
“Face-planting you?”
“Worse.”
“Cunnilingus?”
“No. That sounds like a scientific experiment.”
“Okay… why don’t we just use its actual name: oral sex?”
“No, that relegates it to being too clinical and there’s nothing clinical about us. It’s lovely and so intimate, the most intimate act of all… Doesn’t it make you feel things?”
“Feel things? Sure. I feel you all wet and warm and smelling like—”
She kicked her legs and screamed. “Oh, my God. Stop.”
He couldn’t contain his laughter. She shrieked. “You did that on purpose.”
“Every time. I love the outrage you exhibit when I say common sex words.”
“Tell me… how do you feel about me? Do you consider that act a chore? Eating me out?” She shuddered, hating the phrase.
His smile faded. “No, it’s definitely not a chore. It’s more like…” He twisted his lips as he pondered. “Fuck. It’s like a way to worship you. I can’t believe you’re here with me sometimes and I love putting my mouth on you anytime I want to and knowing you welcome it.”
“Me too.” She sighed happily. “That’s how I feel when I do it to you; like I’m worshiping your body. Making you feel good makes me feel wonderful and…”
“I love worshiping you.” He smiled as he stared into her eyes. Then he kissed her long and slow. “I can call it that but only if you never tell another soul. It makes me sound like a wuss.”
She punched his arm playfully and bit her lip. Suddenly, a worried look appeared on her face and she asked, “You haven’t told anyone about us? I mean, in those horrid, graphic details? I really couldn’t handle any ‘locker room talk’ about me and our sex lives. That would humiliate and ultimately devastate me.”
He gathered her in his arms. “You really take this stuff seriously, don’t you? I’ve never known anyone who was so serious when it came to sex as you are.”
“Yes, because it’s that meaningful to me.”
He nodded. “I would never tell a soul. You might hear me talking shit with Iris and the crew because that’s how we bond. It has no meaning and she knows it. You know I’d never mock or discuss you or us with anyone. Besides no one knows anything about us.”
Her shoulders dropped in relief. She pushed the silky strands back that sprang over his forehead. His hair remained short from Rose’s frequent clips. “I would love to shout it from the highest mountain. But I also like having you all to myself.”
He smiled and a boyishly bashful expression crossed his face. He liked having her attention. And teasing her for her prudishness about sex. He loved to see her near reverence in the way she treated him and their relationship. She believed he loved her already, but he didn’t believe it yet.
When January came, Rose grabbed Mateo’s hand and said, “Come on. I have a birthday surprise for you.” She’d been looking for the perfect gift for a long time, and finally found it.
She dragged him behind her, driving to a small town thirty miles away and parking in front of an old grange that was routinely used by the local farmers and residents. Tonight? She came there for Mateo’s surprise.
“What the hell is this?”
She grinned as she tugged him to follow her. They entered the building, which was cool and dark as the night. Snow swirled outside and Mateo complained, because he truly despised the snow. Rose wasn’t bothered by snow. It was just another season for her to adjust to.
