Rivers end boxset volume.., p.129
River's End Boxset Volume 3, page 129
She and he created a human being together.
A person.
She wasn’t speaking of an abstract desire in the future. Something he might not want to know about. Something he might own up to or not. No, she was referring to a human being, their son, who already existed. Now. At this moment.
Matt simply turned and walked out of the house.
Let her leave. Run away again and disappear. She was pretty good at doing that.
He hopped into his truck and drove away.
Lillian was dumbfounded as she stared vacantly at the now slammed door. Horrified by her revelation, she wondered what to do. Leave again? No. She could not do that. But why should she stay? Obviously because she had plenty to discuss with Matt. Everything, in fact. But not with his anger and rage. Shit. What to do? Tears made her blink and she fought them. No. She refused to be victimized by any man. He was the victim in this situation. Her inability to locate him until now and her willingness to grasp her motherhood definitely gave her more say over their child. He would just have to find a way to accept it.
But that demanded more conversation.
That demanded more interaction.
“He’ll go off to Sandcliff Beach.”
She jumped at the unexpected comment.
Granddad stood in the hallway, wearing his flannel PJs and a light robe. A pair of slippers covered his feet.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“When Mattie gets upset, he goes down to a little-known beach to organize his thoughts. Especially now, being so early as it is.”
Flames singed her throat and cheeks. “Should I go down there? I’m the one who made him so upset.”
“I figured as much. I heard his truck tires squeal in his mad dash to flee. He doesn’t often accelerate so fast and screech around like a jacked-up, cocky asshole.”
She let out a small laugh with surprise at his words. “It’s not his fault. It’s all mine.”
“Well, running away from a problem never solves it, huh?”
“I ran away from one originally and that’s how we got into this mess.”
Granddad shuffled forward. “I figured you had to have a pretty good reason for showing up here. No surprise when Mattie reacted with his nerves on display that first day. Had to assume you had a deeper connection than just friends. Old friends are visibly happy and casual, unable to conceal how glad they are to see each other again. That didn’t happen between you two.”
“I should let Matt tell you. It’s his business now.”
“Well, I’m well aware of how biology works and can make a pretty good guess as to what might have alarmed him to leave the way he did.”
“You… knew?”
“No, but I suspected it. I hoped you’d tell him. I could see it obviously bugged you to keep it from him.”
“Should I go to him now?”
“Yes. You ran away from him once and didn’t like it. I’m sure he doesn’t like himself right now for running away from you. So, don’t let him get away with it.”
She rose to her feet. “You’re right. We’re both adults now and it’s time we acted like it. Especially considering what we have on the line. Even if he hates me, he’ll still have to deal with me on some level.”
Granddad nodded. “Dr. Lillian, my grandson definitely does not hate you.” He spoke so softly and with care and conviction. Her heart lurched in her chest.
She paused before impulsively leaning forward and kissing Granddad’s cheek. “Thank you, Granddad. You’ve been so kind to me from the moment I showed up on your doorstep.”
“You don’t get this old without knowing people. I still recognize a good egg when I meet one.”
She blinked her sentimental tears away and replied, “That might be the best compliment I’ve ever received.”
“Meh, I’m just an old fishing boat captain. Don’t get sappy. I’m no fancy, smart doctor like you.” He gave her a wink and her heart lifted with joy.
After she exited, Lillian sat in her car and her heart sunk again. So begins round number two. She could only hope it would turn out better than number one.
CHAPTER 10
LILLIAN FLOPPED DOWN BESIDE Matt right in the sand where she found him. He should have been startled, but maybe he guessed if she cared at all about him, she’d seek him out. Maybe it was a test. Maybe he didn’t care either way.
But there she sat. Pulling her knees up and wrapping her small arms around them, she held them tightly next to her. She looked more like a small child than the educated doctor and practitioner he knew her to be.
And a mother.
She was a mother too.
That changed everything.
He turned and stared down at her as she lifted her eyes to look at him. They seemed to sense their connection without using spoken words.
She appeared so youthful and beautiful, it was hard for Matt to think of her as a mother and someone matronly. The contrast was impossible to imagine.
“We have to talk. About everything.”
Her voice was soft, lilting, and calming. The huskiness with feminine tones gave it a musical effect. He thought so the first time he ever spoke to her.
“How did you find me?”
“Granddad told me this is where you came when you were upset.”
He snorted. “I’ll bet Granddad didn’t have a clue why.”
“Actually… he did. He caught on early that there was something more than casual in our friendship.”
“Well, glad to know at least someone suspected it, because I sure as fuck didn’t.”
She flinched. Matt rarely raised his voice and never swore in front of women. It was an old-fashioned habit insisted upon by none other than Granddad. Matt would have been swiftly cuffed if he ever swore around Grandma. Never. Ever. Not in front of a lady. Any lady. Matt simply adhered to it. Out of habit. So even he cringed when he swore at her in anger.
She tucked her chin to her knees and riveted her eyes on the breaking surf. The dim, soft dawn’s sunlight edged the white foam with blue, looking so exquisite in the light pastels of the morning. Lillian continued her story of how their son came to be as if Matt didn’t leave right in the middle of it. “I realized I was pregnant when I got home and had to tell my family. Imagine that fun conversation. I was a successful and motivated student of veterinary medicine. It was always my goal and dream ever since I was a little girl. Finally, I was on that path, and my good grades and bright future guaranteed my continued victory until I showed up pregnant. No boyfriend. No one in sight. Not even a face. Or a name, as it turned out. It was the worst thing I could think of happening to me. They were disappointed but everyone supported me. I looked for you, Matt, just like I told you. I looked everywhere for a year or more. But more urgently when I was pregnant. I was so scared and ashamed. It worried me that I didn’t want a baby. But I was having it regardless and I would have given anything to share that burden with you.”
Pregnant. She was pregnant with his child. And he never had a clue. All this time. She carried his seed inside her. He glanced down at her belly as if expecting to see some physical evidence of it.
“That would have been hard on me. But I would have done anything I could for you. Even back then.”
“Maybe I knew that from our brief time together. I had to believe you were special or I could not have had sex with you on the first night. But I was searching for Mathew Griffin, not Mathias Griffin. I can’t start to tell you how many Mathew Griffins there are in the world. A whole lot. After Benny came, I had to function again. You think you know what it’s like to be busy? You don’t have a clue until you have to care for a newborn. I had to learn it all while also trying to finish the classes for my degree. Luckily, I had my family to help with the money and give me moral support. Otherwise, I’d have to rely on waiting tables and government welfare. It was really hard. You can’t ever overestimate the demands on a single parent.”
He fisted his hands and released them. “I never wanted that for you. Even now.”
“At first, I wanted to find you more than anything. But time marches on. With a child, it’s even faster, here today and gone tomorrow. Everyday. I did that. I finally earned my degree and passed the state exam before I moved back home for good. We set up our house and my practice and we started living together. Benny and me. My father is a primary influence on him along with Grandpa Jack. He has plenty of aunts, uncles, cousins, and Grandma Erin who all contribute to his care. That’s a lot of people. He isn’t growing up all alone and he’s never neglected.” She shifted and fixed her gaze on the ocean waves. Then she licked her lips and said, “But he has grown up to the age he is, six, without knowing any father. And then one day, there you were.”
“You chose not to tell me.”
“There you were. A complete stranger with my son’s face. He looks exactly like you. I even forgot how strong the resemblance was until I saw you. That’s half the reason for my stunned response at our second meeting. That and sheer panic. I had to hide him from you. You’d know with one glance that he was your son and I feared you might try to take him from me.”
“You were willing to let me go on without ever knowing I had a child.”
“Maybe. Yes. I was fully prepared to do that. I came here to determine whether or not it was a good idea. Let me ask you something: did you expect me to be the type of mother who would hand over her son without first being sure you were strong and mature and not a terrible person? Like a pedophile, or a criminal, or a drug addict? What type of mother would blithely offer her son to anyone? The kind of mother who fails to make sure the people who influence him aren’t monsters? Not I. I’m the kind who wants to care for him. He’s small, weak and vulnerable and only I can provide for his safety and wellbeing. Think about it. In all your pain and suffering, think about what you’re asking of me. You were and still are barely a stranger.
“But I’m letting you know about the existence of the most precious person in my life. Benny is my heart and soul and you’re damn fucking right that you’d never know the first clue about him, if you were half the person you turned out to be. Along with your granddad. I would never give you access to Benny, despite your DNA connection, not if you drank or abused people or animals in any way, physically or verbally. Or if your granddad did that. I would never expose Benny to someone of such low caliber and I’m fucking proud of that.
“So, go ahead and hate me. Be mad at me for as long as you like. But it wasn’t all intentional. You’re goddamned right I kept him from you. You were on the biggest interview of your fucking life this week and you passed. You should be grateful that I trusted you enough to even give you that much. Benny is my son and no one, for any reason, is allowed to interact with him or to influence him if they aren’t fully screened by me first.”
She ran out of breath and he stared at her with a stunned expression. Her words rang true. His anger swiftly evaporated. Shoulders slumping, he sank forward to grip his knees and stared at the ocean. “I guess I just reacted without analyzing every factor. I can’t believe that I… we have a son.”
“I can’t imagine how shocked that news must be to you either. I’m sorry to do that to you. But I didn’t know how else to accomplish it. I had to observe you and test you out first. I had to decide if my son needed to know his father.”
“You decided he did? I mean, I’m grateful to hear you say that. But did last night influence your decision?”
“No, a few days ago, I decided you were okay. Last night wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“And now that it did?”
She bit her lip. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything, now, not even how to do this. But then again, I haven’t known what to do ever since the day I held my son for the first time. The only thing I knew with total certainty was that I would do everything I could to raise him with unconditional love and support.”
“Everything you could do for him. Okay. I’m on board with that. I see your point. I need that baseline too.”
She gave him a long, searching, and relieved look. “Yes. Exactly that. That’s why I decided to tell you. Only because of that. You showed the same fierce love that I have for those you care for.”
“Granddad. You based it on him and me.”
“Yes. He was the best physical representation of someone who was close to you, and he filled the role of a father in raising you.”
Matt shuddered as her words pelted him like gravel being showered on his bare skin. The father and child comment had a profound effect on him. What did he do with this new information? How to categorize and fulfill his new role in life? His new identity. A few words from Lillian managed to turn his life upside-down overnight. She changed it and him irrevocably. But such a rapid change left him not knowing exactly what to do next. Not this moment. Not at lunch. Not even tomorrow.
“I feared telling you. I cannot allow you to take my son from me and legally, I worry I won’t be able to stop it. I had to make sure you weren’t evil or vindictive in your heart. But I can’t predict the future, and once you got upset and angry about it, the legal rights you have to my child could come into play. I had no idea what you would or could do with that knowledge. However, I owe Benny and you this morsel of truth. You will always have each other. I just don’t know what that might look like or how I’ll manage to handle it. But I will.”
“Benny? You call him that?”
Her body seemed startled. “What? Yes. I mean, yes, we call him Benny. My dad is Ben, so my son became Benny.”
“What… what is he like? What does our son like to do?” The words felt rusty on Matt’s tongue and odd to say. He wasn’t sure how to ask her about his son and what to do with the answer once he knew it.
But she was right about the changes he had to expect. He had to figure this out. Even as his brain spun in circles, his heart kept lurching with this new reality. He awoke to a wonderful woman with whom he wanted to expand their connection. Maybe see each other long distance and let it grow slowly as they began to explore the possibilities.
Long distances often turned even the best relationships rancid so they had to proceed with the knowledge it probably wouldn’t work out, but what if it did? He felt too strongly bound to her and she seemed to respond the same way. So, what harm could there be in a long-distance test?
No harm. None at all. Until she told him they were the parents of a damn child.
Not a baby, but a six-year-old child. A freaking… well, what grade would he be in?
“What grade is he in?”
“First grade. He’ll have Mrs. Call, the same teacher I had. She’s very capable, if a little brisk, but a compassionate lady who works hard to inspire her little students to love learning. I remember how she often encouraged us to be independent in our thinking.”
“And he’s six now?”
“Yes. Exactly six years, nine and a half months from the night we first had sex. I promise you, there was never anyone else. You are free to do a paternity test if you challenge it. But when you see him, well, I expect your doubts will vanish. He bears such an uncanny resemblance to you.”
“When? Not if?”
She sucked in a breath and buried her right foot in the soft sand. “When I told you about him, I hoped you’d want to meet him; otherwise, you would have been relegated to being a heartless monster, undeserving of any introduction to my son. And in that case, I’d have no guilt to haunt me later. Nor any blame for denying my son the chance to meet his biological father.”
Father. She kept throwing out that word.
“What… how…” Matt failed to voice his spinning thoughts. Taking in a slow, controlled breath, he slowly said, “So how do we go about arranging this introduction?”
“I don’t know. I could bring him here. Or you could come there to visit.”
“And what happens next? You’ll just say hey, Benny, this is your father that you never met all your life?”
“No. That is just about the worst introduction I can think of. I’m far more creative than that. I was thinking maybe he could meet you and be allowed a few days to get used to it. That would give both of you some time to accept it without adding the pressure of an instant connection. I think time will show you and Benny the best way to approach it. The right time to tell him will be based on how things go.”
His son was about to enter his life for the first time. Matt would soon get to see and visit and know his son. Two hours ago, he wasn’t aware such a boy existed. Now he felt a rush, and even a panic to meet and get to know him. Matt had to process what that meant. How to be a father from three hundred miles away. What did that look like? What would they look like together?
He glanced down at Lillian’s head and a pressing thought stabbed his brain. “We… we are parents together.”
“Yes.” She finally glanced up at him, and her shoulders stiffened but a smile formed on her lips. “I’ve been having the same overwhelming thought all week. How can we be parents without knowing each other’s favorite color?”
Matt stared into her dark, smoky eyes. The perfection of her features still fascinated him as he muttered, “Red. My favorite color is red.”
A small, chagrined smile tilted her lips higher. “Mine is purple. Lavender, really.”
“See? Now we know something personal about each other.”
“Do you think we can figure out parenthood without killing each other in the process? My greatest fear is to scar our son through us arguing and feeling hateful. Trudging through courts and expensive lawyers. I don’t know if we can manage it, but—”
“By telling me, you are already taking that chance.”
“Yes.”
“I must thank you then for telling me the truth. I guess my shock at hearing it just sent me off the deep end. At first, I responded with anger. The biggest reason was because you didn’t tell me all week. I have a son who is six. It seems so clichéd. So impossible that I could be the father of a kid I did not know about. It’s not a familiar reality for me. I always wear a condom, without exception. We—”
