Rivers end boxset volume.., p.68
River's End Boxset Volume 3, page 68
She leaned back in her chair. His gaze was glued on the fire. For the first time in over thirty years, he felt nervous to give eye contact to another person. He was pressing her. Hard. And he wasn’t ready to stop.
“Yes, I’m still into men. And no, I won’t fuck you, Gage.”
He didn’t even look up. Poke. Poke. Poke went his stick as he stabbed it hard into the coals. “That is not at all what I was asking. I simply asked your name. Not to fuck you. Do you know that your thought process is not quite rational?” His voice sounded as tight as his muscles felt.
The chemistry was undeniable between them. So far, they managed to avoid the sexuality that continued to manifest between them. It was unquestionably there. It existed. Whether or not she told him her name, it would continue to exist. He seriously doubted she would ever give that small flicker of flame any gas or encouragement.
“I’m not rational in your opinion?”
“No. You’re not. You equate my request for your name as a request to have sex with you. And for your information, as long as it’s already out there, I wouldn’t fuck any woman whose name I didn’t know.”
She snorted. “Bullshit. You would in a heartbeat if I offered myself to you.”
“Damn it.” He stood up and flung the stick he held. “Why would you say that? Because there’s an uncanny chemistry between us? Because you flirt with me twenty times a day and then come back for more while pretending to be completely asexual? When I know you aren’t? Or because I’m out of line by asking your name? Your first name, for God’s sake. Give me that at least. It’s so fucking weird you won’t even do that.”
“Do not yell at me.” Her words were tight as she pressed her lips together.
“Why? Why not? We aren’t anything. Right? According to you. So what do you care if I’m annoyed at you? Shit. I’ll walk out of here and never see you again. That’s what you want… right?”
She jumped to her feet, clenching her fists. “Yes. Absolutely. That’s what I want. I don’t want to see you ever again.”
“Then why do you want to see me now? Why? Why keep seeing me? Sharing dinners? How many, Vee? Helping me with physical labor is kind of above and beyond the call of duty if you don’t like someone.”
“We’re friends.”
“No. No… Don’t you dare use that cop-out. Friends? Sure. I have lots of those. They tell me the most basic things about themselves, like their names, for instance. I even know their last names. Gee. I know where they come from and live and their sisters’ names… something about them. No, Vee, we are not friends. Because you won’t let us be friends. So tell me why that is. What ghost controls you that he won’t even let you tell me your name?”
She glared at him, her eyes almost slits in their narrowness. Her puckered mouth and sunken cheeks looked like she was sucking on a slice of lemon. “It’s not funny to say that.”
“Did it happen this year?”
Her jaw wrenched back and forth. “No.”
“Was it a man?”
“Yes. Fine. He died.”
“And you loved him?”
She shut her eyes. “Yes. I did.”
“And you think telling me your name will somehow keep you from… what? From falling in love with me?”
Her entire body jerked as if he zapped her with the end of a hot poker. “Oh, my God, no. That’s not it at all. I just don’t want you to know who I am. No. No, and there’s no worry of that happening.”
He crossed his arms over his chest and nailed her with his gaze, tightening his jaw. Standing almost toe to toe, glare to glare, locked-jaw to locked-jaw, when Gage spoke, however, his voice was soft. Calm. Almost a whisper. “But I do know who you are.”
Her jaw slackened and her mouth dropped open. She swallowed and he knew he’d stunned her… and for once, maybe he’d affected her. He sucked in his guts, along with all his confidence. Every move he ever made for a woman fell away.
This was Gage, raw and in the moment, confronting the first woman who could ever have caused his heart to thump so hard and fast. Whose smile made his chest lift with a physical joy that was almost overwhelming. He already felt different about her than any other woman… and still, she shared nothing of herself with him. But he knew her essence and he wasn’t wrong about that. He knew he wasn’t.
Slowly lifting his hand with infinite care and tenderness, he placed it on the side of her frozen face and palmed her cheek in his hand. “You know it’s true. You feel it too. I know you do.”
She didn’t answer. She only swallowed and slammed her lips tightly shut. Her head shook to deny it.
“I don’t know that. I don’t feel that.”
“I think you’re just scared. You might not want to feel it. But I call bullshit that you don’t.”
Her huge eyes were almost transfixed on him. “No… just no.”
“You’re so brave… but so fucking scared. Aren’t you? Of anything real. Of anything you might actually feel.”
She didn’t flinch from his touch. There was the smallest, infinitesimal dip of her head toward the warmth of his hand. Her eyeballs spun in her eye sockets as if she were half panicking, but she didn’t step back. Or to the side. Or slap his hand away. Or try to speak. She didn’t speak a word but she acted so awkward, it verged on being painful. He wasn’t sure what to do with that. He expected a hot, fiery reaction of denial or even the opposite. Instead, Vee seemed confused, like she didn’t know what to do.
He stepped closer, using the brief respite of sparks in her temper as a signal to push her. He had to try and make her own what she felt. What existed here. And if she didn’t want it, then she simply had to admit that. He’d know then. He’d dealt with rejection before. He could now. Even up here, with no escape and a tent to share. But if she felt what he did, it was well worth exploring further. It was the most important thing they could do for themselves and each other.
His hiking boots were touching the tip of her cowboy boots. He lifted his hands and cupped her face as he stared down into her unusually bright green eyes. Same color as his. Their skin tone also matched. They complemented each other. His eyes followed the shadows and features of her narrow face. She had a small forehead and her hair was pulled back. He stared at her closely set eyes, small nose, thin lips and wide smile. The softest spray of freckles over her cheeks was so faint, you had to be close to her to appreciate them. He thought they gave her the most arresting face that ever existed.
Her huge eyeballs were wider than ever as she stared up at him. She didn’t deny his accusations. She might have blamed her grief for not allowing this. Gage believed her grief kept her in a state of fear, even if her heart knew what his did. Something real and important had developed between them. Something hot and flirty, fun and exciting, sweet and tender, but mostly comfortable, as if their souls had always known each other in other lifetimes and finally recognized each other in this one. It was a first for him. The very first. Ever.
He lowered his face forward slowly and kept her gaze locked onto his. He finally reached her mouth and he closed his eyes and sank his lips on hers. She was frozen, and her torso became rigid and unyielding. But when their lips touched, her back swayed as easily as a tree branch in the wind and she wilted towards his chest. Her mouth cushioned his and she responded to his lips from the instant he made contact. He leaned towards her and she fell against him until the space between their bodies vanished. He held her face, tipping her chin towards his hungry mouth. She let out a soft sigh that drove his blood wild, surging into his extremities. For several long moments, he kissed and touched her lips with his in a soft, gentle, coaxing exploration.
Coaxing was unnecessary. Her mouth welcomed his. From the simplest touch, he experienced the most explosive response, which he felt inside his entire body. Blood rushed through his veins, spreading intense warmth. Desire for her tightened his muscles. He could feel his heart softening for her. He adored the way her mouth relaxed and seemed to melt under his. The feel of her lips and the soft, sweet sounds she made. He lapped up the heat of her body against his. Yeah, he kissed plenty of girls and women over the years. For at least twenty years. But it never felt like this, not even the first time… So right. He knew exactly what a kiss was supposed to evoke. Natural ease. As if they’d kissed a thousand times already; and even if they kissed a million times, each one would be as perfect as the first.
He held her face like it was a bowl to lick sustenance from. Letting his tongue touch the seam of her lips, he tested and tasted and pressed. Her lips opened at once and he groaned with unbridled desire as he dipped his hot tongue inside her mouth. Savoring the heat and honey taste, she became a lovely combination of smooth silk and irresistible sin. He dropped his hands around her waist and pulled her tighter against him. She had to lean back when their bodies collided and their mouths became fully fused.
They opened their lips and clacked their teeth together, tongues sliding all over as they tasted each other.
Sighing, her hands gripped his back and the folds of his shirt in restless abandonment. Their tummies bumped together and their hands clung to each other’s backs. Both of their shirts were gathered in their fists as the kiss grew deeper and more aggressive. They kissed on and on and Gage could have stayed there forever, basking in her radiant warmth and sweet taste. Her soft lips were just wet enough to be perfectly sexy and sweet. The image made his brain spin with thoughts and melted his heart.
God. Damn. This was the kiss he’d been waiting for longer than three decades.
But she suddenly wrenched her mouth off his with a garbled explanation. It almost seemed as if she were cursing herself, not him.
Gage blinked in shock. First, he was kissing like he never had before and then, all at once, not. Staring up at him with her mouth half open, she blinked several times as if she were clearing her brain of the foggy cloud she drifted under. He was that intoxicated and confused after kissing her that he couldn’t register what was happening. The first kiss they shared was everything he’d ever imagined a simple kiss could be.
Her eyes were rapidly growing wider with panic and something more… fear? Yeah, it looked a lot like fear. What the hell? Did she fear him? He had some doubts, but causing fear in the woman he saw before him? There was no way he threatened her and she could have easily said no to him. Of course, she knew that… right? “I—I can’t do this.”
Turning away, she suddenly bolted, vanishing into the dark night. His shoulders fell forward and he deflated. His body was still riding high with the notion of finding… what? Another kiss from a woman who wouldn’t utter her real name? How could he assume she’d even accept a kiss from him, let alone, anything more?
But he’d pushed her. It almost worked… until it didn’t.
Now it was pitch dark in the forest. On a mountain top. There was no way she could just avoid him and pretend nothing happened. Or stay separated until her feelings calmed down. Gage grabbed the lantern and started up the mountain after her.
“Vee?” he called out, swinging the lantern back and forth. He called several more times. Stopping dead, he listened for her but heard nothing except the swooshing creek water as it rushed over the jagged rocks to deeper pools. Then he caught the curve of a shoulder and human outline. She was sitting on a high spot above the creek, staring down at a small waterfall and pool.
He wasn’t quiet when he came up behind her, setting the lantern beside her. He hunkered down and touched his hand to her shoulder. “Vee?”
She jerked away from him, shaking her head and said, “Go away.”
Sighing, he pointed out, “We’re in middle of the forest at night. I can’t go very far and neither should you. We’re sharing a tent. We’ll have to talk about it. Or not. But you still have to come back… right?” His voice wavered. Maybe she’d decide they didn’t have to do anything.
“I didn’t want to kiss you.”
“Okay, I kissed you and I’m sorry. If I overstepped my boundary, I won’t do it again. I promise you.” Gage was sure she’d allowed him to kiss her and in fact, even liked it. But he would never touch her again. At least, not without explicit permission. “Fine. It was a mistake. A miscalculation. Let’s forget it. Go back to being friends with no names. That’s fine. Just come back to camp.”
Her face turned so he could see just her profile as she peeked over her shoulder at him. “You pressed me too much.”
He nodded. “I see that now.”
She faced forward again. “I love him.”
“The boyfriend who died?”
“Yes. I still love him.” Therefore, I won’t love you. That was loudly obvious even if it remained unspoken.
“I can accept that.”
“I don’t want to move on and I don’t want to kiss you.”
“Accepted. All of it. I read you all wrong.”
There were long moments of silence until she folded forward, hooking her arms around her knees and all but hugging herself. Did she regret what she’d done with him? “You didn’t read me wrong. I’ll admit we have chemistry. But I’m not looking for that. I don’t want it. I won’t act on it.”
He almost begged her to reconsider. But judging by the sudden straightening of her spine, she was not budging a millimeter on this. She was done. With love? With sex? With kissing? Everything? It was certainly her decision. He was just relieved she realized that. Maybe she understood why he thought it was okay to kiss her.
“Okay. Duly noted. I won’t press you again. Nothing ever again. Nothing but friends. I must ask you something now that I know you love someone else and there’s no chance of anything more happening between us. That’s totally acceptable. I can deal with that. But would you consider telling me your true identity sometime before I leave? Or giving me a way to contact you after we aren’t here? That’s what I’d like most to happen. But don’t answer me now. Just think about it.”
Her head jerked back. “That’s not the reaction I expected.”
He gave her a lopsided grin. “What did you expect? That I’d throw you over my shoulder, drag you back into camp and insist that you want me?” He spread his hands open, palms up. “I hope you realize by now that I am in complete control of myself. I will never pose any danger to you.”
She nodded with her own crooked smile. “You’d never have made it into my tent if I weren’t sure of that.”
He nodded. “Well, good… now… come back?”
She slowly rose to her feet and Gage followed her cue. He grabbed the lantern and swept his hands, indicating that she go first. A true gentleman he was, even if she didn’t ask for such quaint gestures. But she nodded with a grateful smile and started back to the tent. Did she fear he’d refuse to believe her when she said no? Did she have regrets? Did her feelings for another outweigh anything Gage might have offered her? She decided he wasn’t worth those feelings.
Gage accepted it. He would not press her.
But it still felt like she sucker-punched him as hard as she could in the chest. Like his lungs were too tight and contracting until he could not breathe properly. A numbing sensation deadened his body.
Damn. Oh, damn… never again.
He’d never get a kiss like that with another woman. And he’d never know another connection like the one he shared with Vee. And it also looked like he’d never see her again after they left the mountain. Or if he did, it would have to be without her permission, which would therefore be unwanted. Pushing her?
Yeah… and look where that didn’t get him. He’d never do it again. Boundaries were engrained in her. And she had issues that were entirely hers. The death of someone she loved, a boyfriend, apparently had lasting consequences on her. It managed to prevent her from taking any risk herself.
But God damn. Didn’t she feel the same thing flowing between them? The current of energy? The magnetic pull of their bodies towards the other? How easily they could respond to each other. How quickly their smiles and laughs seemed to synchronize. The natural grace they shared. The beautiful, luxurious comfort they found in each other and both enjoyed.
No, he didn’t know her real name, so it was odd. But he still sensed something big between them that was undeniable; he felt it one hundred percent.
But Vee was still nursing her wounds and didn’t want it. He should have gotten some comfort that she acknowledged it. But the only thing on his mind was what she so easily gave up. Yeah, best kiss of his life but it would never happen again. Fine. No, he never announced that it was the best kiss he ever had. He guessed her best kiss was with her dead boyfriend. That made sense. But for him? Kissing Vee was the best one in his lifetime.
She walked towards the tent and Gage hung the lantern on its hook. They quietly proceeded with their nightly ritual. The damn day was ruined. Night was almost over. Time to go to bed and let it die in peace. His heart still ached and his extremities felt numb whenever Gage thought about her, which was so dumb. He never really had her. Only a kiss that seared into his mouth, his heart, and his soul.
He dropped onto his bed, leaving the sleeping bag half open. Placing a hand over his forehead, he could only stare up in despair at the white canvas. Vee moved about a bit longer. She went outside, then came back in. Eventually, she slipped quietly into her cot and that was that. What more was there to say? Nothing. It was all over.
They’d get up tomorrow and chat as they shared the chores with the graceful fluidity of a couple married fifty years. At some point, one of them would make a joke or rib the other and they would resume their amicable bicker. That would lift his heart and make him laugh.
Yep. They would do that tomorrow. But what about tonight? His chest contracted with the loss of something he never had. He never knew he wanted it. The feelings he couldn’t comprehend turned out to be his own.
He lay awake for hours and hours. His brain short-circuited whenever he thought about what he wanted most and could not have. How shocking it was. To feel something that strong and connected while the person he hoped would feel the same did not. Vee never knew the pressing, overwhelming and almost panicky need to be with him. She never debated whether or not to act on those urges.
