Rivers end boxset volume.., p.78
River's End Boxset Volume 3, page 78
And what if he couldn’t help her? Perhaps what it all boiled down to was fear. Fear that she’d never love him like the dead man—whom she so clearly and explicitly told him about—and the potential wasn’t there. Who signs up for something like that?
But damn. He felt like he got socked in the gut when he lifted his head and found her staring at him with wide, green-gold eyes. Eyes that were filled with fear. Shocked? No, the word appalled better described the look on her face. But he glimpsed a spark of something more. Pleasure? Was she slightly glad to see him? Yes. He did see something close to that in her weary but soulful eye-lock with him.
That and realizing the young lady who sat beside him was, in fact, his daughter. It seemed to throw her more than he ever expected. He glanced at Andy, trying to imagine Violet’s shock. If you’re in your twenties as Violet was, you might expect to see a toddler or maybe a child of seven or eight. Not thirteen. Not in the eighth grade. Not in the same school where Violet worked. That was strange to the tenth power so no wonder she found it hard to assimilate.
Why didn’t his daughter freak out after discovering he had a girlfriend? And why didn’t the idea of sex utterly disgust her? Andy seemed like she wanted Violet to be his girlfriend. Warmth and pride filled his heart. She was so much wiser and more mature than he was and so beyond her years. An old soul captured in a young woman’s body. Andy was always that way. Her wisdom was so far beyond her years and Gage recognized and valued it dearly. He cultivated and encouraged her by listening to her advice and opinions. Their closeness stemmed from that.
One that made Andy honestly want her father to let another woman into his life, which meant their life. Even though he never did before. Andy didn’t react by yelling and screaming, or throwing a tantrum in front of him or Violet. On the contrary. Andy virtually embraced Violet; and Gage adored her for doing that.
“I’m sorry for the way it went down in there. I mean, in front of everyone. Neither Violet nor I expected to bump into each other, obviously. And since she still didn’t think I knew her last name, it made it very odd.”
“Yes. But she was super-affected by you, Dad. I don’t think you realize how much… Lord, a helicopter could have landed right next to her and I swear to God, she wouldn’t have noticed it because she couldn’t lift her eyes off you. She was shocked, yes, but Dad… I saw serious undertones of interest that were undeniably there.”
“Again, honey, she has so much baggage… I doubt she’s the right one. Not even someone I’d like to date.”
They pulled into the driveway and he shut the headlights off before they both hopped out and went inside the open garage door. As they entered the rec room, Andy said, “Dad, it might not be Violet… but maybe you should consider dating someone. I won’t be here forever, you know. And I don’t want you to be alone.”
Gage dropped his wallet and keys on the entry table. He stared at her intently as she stood beside the kitchen table, her eyes wide and earnest. “Andy, sweetheart, you really don’t have to worry about that yet. It’ll be years from now. And even if I don’t find someone special, I’ve never been lonely in my life. I love my job and my pastimes and hobbies. I have Grandma and Grandpa, and with all the aunties and uncles, I can borrow a niece or nephew if I need to see a kid… and of course, I have you. I’ll always have you, Andy. So don’t stress over an ominous date in the future. I’ll be sure when the time comes, and I’ll be good and ready for it. I don’t want you to start worrying about me, sweet girl. I’ll do all the worrying for both of us. Not the other way around.”
“But it’s the first time I’ve seen you look at a woman that way. Ever. In my entire life. You’ve never shown anything but your friendly, neighborly side. You don’t look at women as if they interest you at all most of the time. You were passionate with Violet, enough to yell at her, because you obviously felt so much. You should not discount that.”
He rested his hands on the back of the dining room chair. Awed and floored by how perceptive his daughter was, noticing all the things he missed before initiating a mature discussion about it? Stunning and clever. “I don’t discount anything. But I can’t beg her to give me a chance. I did once and she was adamant in her refusal. She said no. Not sure what else I can do while still keeping some dignity.”
She smiled softly. “Maybe dignity can’t bring you happiness.”
“Andy…” he warned her with a soft, playful smile. “Enough about Violet, tonight. Okay? And I totally appreciate your opinion and how cool you were about it. I doubt most daughters would… well, hell! We both know there is no other daughter like you.”
Andy rolled her eyes but her smile was real. Kissing his cheek as she passed him, she said good night and disappeared down the hallway. Gage flopped down on the sectional, trying his best to forget about tonight. As he checked the game scores, he tried to pretend his heart wasn’t injured. He felt desperate to sink back into his former life… without hoping for a fantasy that could obviously never be. Much to his chagrin, he feared he was doing that already.
Iris stood up when Violet walked back inside the café. Violet watched Gage and his daughter and family finally pull out. Hiding on the side of the café, she now knew Gage drove a new red Chevy Silverado with an extended cab.
She watched him tenderly holding his mother’s arm as he eased her into the front seat of their large sedan. He gave his dad a wave over the top of the car. The older couple were very trim and both had white hair. She realized she knew his sisters, and she observed them when they cornered him for a moment, talking intently. He smiled and shook his head, playfully avoiding them, and smirking when one pretended to slug his arm in frustration. He pointed towards the truck with Andy in it, gave each sister a kiss on the cheek and dashed away.
So that was Gage’s family. Still amazing to her.
When she finally re-entered the dining establishment, her sister immediately rose and rushed over. Quinn was right behind her. “Are you okay? Who was that man?”
Violet calmly replied, “Someone I met over the summer. I honestly didn’t know he lived near here, much less, that I’d ever run into him like that. Really, Iris, it was nothing. Let it go.”
Iris’s puzzled look studied Violet as if she were inspecting her for an injury.
“Please?” Violet begged.
If Iris were Rose, her oldest sister, she would have insisted on answers and could not let it go until she was thoroughly satisfied. Thankfully, Iris kept her business to herself and well understood it when other people wanted to. She accepted Violet’s reply with a shake of her head. They sat down and somehow, Violet managed to eat her meal. The food tasted like sawdust. Her heart wasn’t in it. Despite her responses to their chatter, Violet could not remember a single thing they talked about that night.
All she could think about was Gage. He looked so good. Better than she ever remembered, although she often recounted every single detail about him.
She was grateful she could retreat to her room if only to stop pretending she was fine. As she’d done for two years now. She lay there thinking about Gage and remembering all the things they did together and how wonderful she felt. Her regret stabbed her like an ice pick underneath each rib in her chest.
They’d ended Labor Day weekend, all weepy and clingy and sad. Yet, their goodbye was poignant, heartfelt and sweet. No anger then. But now, there was anger. Violet couldn’t stand that. It was silly since she was the one who’d decided they could not see each other. She couldn’t get the yucky flavor of her bumping into them out of her head.
She finally broke down and took out the phone number he gave her. Surrendering to an unstoppable force, she had to reach out to him. For what? She didn’t know. Something.
She texted: This is Violet. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for what went down last night in front of your daughter.
In a matter of minutes, he responded: Hi, Vee…
Her damn heart pumped faster and her mouth instantly curled up into a smile. That easily, she laughed out loud. She imagined his tone of voice caressing her name. Her nickname. The identity she’d adopted with him. She instantly shut her eyes and felt like she was right back in her tent, beside him, and nothing more mattered to her but what existed between them. Then and there. Safe. Protected. Cherished. New. She felt brand new and cared for. The sexual urges and sense of belonging culminated as easily as the word he wrote: Vee.
He continued: I don’t mind. I would have given that to you at some point.
Again, he made her smile and roll her eyes.
Gage added more: The other night was hard. Strange. I agree. I’m sorry too. For all the attention. For not telling you the things I knew about you, Violet Rydell. And especially about Andy.
She shut her eyes. Despite her iciness in the way she’d approached him and their brief time together, he was eager to let her off the hook. He accepted some of the blame when it was really all on her. She knew it. He had to know it too.
Violet: You are being too kind. It was all my fault. I’m sorry for the secrecy. For pretending. For not giving you a safe space to share your daughter with me.
Gage: Well. There was that. But now I know the reasons for it. You never lied about that fact. I should have respected it more and not been so surprised. Maybe I’m a jerk for not believing you. I thought I could earn your trust and change your mind. You told me no and I should have listened.
She tilted her head at her phone screen. Yes. Yes, those are definitely the facts. She was relieved that he was not willing to make all of it her fault. Perhaps he shouldn’t have assumed some things. He thought she was lying when she said how broken she was. And about her anonymity being the only way she could handle what occurred between them.
What occurred. Meaning, it was over and done. It was over a few weeks ago.
But Gage was all Violet thought about. Being with him was the only thing that alleviated her grief. And living with her grief eclipsed all the joy from her life and daily routine. Her time with Gage was golden. She recalled seeing him in the morning sunlight and breathing the crisp, fresh air. The rest of her life seemed moldy and dark. Confined and suffocating. With Gage in the mountains and woods, she could breathe freely.
Yet any effort to bring that home with her would have totally destroyed it and eventually, her. It would crush her slowly. Squeezing her breath out until she expired from lack of oxygen.
Seeing him so unexpectedly made her gasp and she forced herself to exhale slowly lest she hyperventilate.
But it was much more complicated now. She and Gage had other impediments. It wasn’t just between each other. Their families saw them together. Background stories. His daughter.
His daughter.
Violet wondered how to handle that most shocking development. The last thing she’d expected.
She answered: I hope you don’t hate me. But I was never looking for more than that. I am not ready to handle it.
Instantly, he texted: Not ready? Or not willing?
He so quickly sensed her self-doubt and wavering theories. He seemed completely tuned in to her. Not willing? She didn’t know.
I don’t know. It is different since our meeting in town.
We could agree to talk about it. Without the shock and awe factor. Without our families watching?
We could, I suppose. You always suggest the right thing to do.
I didn’t know your name, but I got you, Vee. I don’t think any of that was wrong or a lie.
Was your daughter upset about me? Violet really wanted to know that answer.
No. She knew about you before. I didn’t tell her we had sex, obviously, but I’m sure she knows now. Andy’s pretty amazing for her age. Mature. Kind. Funny… well, stop me before I go on until tomorrow…
She smiled. How could she not appreciate how much he admired his teenage daughter? Teenage girls can be monsters for single dads and instead, he had only kind words and respect for her.
But he still was a father to a teenage daughter. It intimidated Violet and made her feel weird. Like crazy weird. Was she too young to date and have sex with a man who was raising a daughter that old?! It seemed wrong. So Violet wasn’t sure she could handle it.
Vee? Did I lose you again? He texted a moment later.
No. I was contemplating your teenage daughter.
Surprised by my youthful physique? My boyish charm and sexual prowess?
She was smirking and laughing out loud at her damn phone. Mostly by your fragile ego. Seeing how I wouldn’t tell you my last name… So much for your sexual prowess…
Or maybe I overwhelmed you. So you weren’t sure you could handle seeing me in person…
That’s it, Gage. That’s totally it. I could not handle it with others around. You saw me…
I did. Big-eyed, lost, confused. That’s how much I affected you. Rendering you speechless. Overwhelmed. Nearly comatose from my manliness… right?
He shot a barb through her heart like a sharp arrow, yet she loved his damn teasing. It made her heart swell with happiness just to talk to him, which was new for her.
Comatose from your manliness? OMG, no. Never. I’m overwhelmed because damn it, I have to talk to you again.
Ahh… inflicting pointy barbs and spurs into my heart.
She made the same analogy. They oddly thought alike, worked alike, camped alike and did their chores alike. They even enjoyed sex alike. It was amazing.
Would you see me again? Go out with me? We could have dinner or do anything you want.
I don’t want to date you. But seeing you stirred up everything again. What if we continued what we were doing… you know? Not dating but?
In seconds, he answered: No. I have a daughter who met you. I won’t sneak out to sleep with you in clandestine dates. As if you’re ashamed of it. No connection. It’s not just sex I want and you know that. I won’t continue if it is. I don’t want it and I won’t have Andy suspecting that.
Holy shit. Okay. Pretty cut and dried. She was just testing the water, possibly seeing each other without dating. No boyfriend/girlfriend crap. She couldn’t stand being labeled such a thing. Being someone else’s girlfriend. Why couldn’t he just accept it? Let it continue undefined? Let it be purely physical and wonderful? Let it soothe her loneliness and heartache without all the expectations and connotations? Why not?
Fuck. Him.
Her heart dropped into her shoes.
I can’t. I just can’t.
I can’t do it again the other way.
She lodged her tongue in her cheek, feeling disappointed. She had to blink her tears away.
I’m sorry.
Nah. Don’t be. From the start, you never lied or pretended what your intentions were. The chances you would or would not take. I can’t fault you for that. I might not agree with it. I might wish things were different. But I’m an adult. I’ll live with it. I’ll get over it.
The stabbing in her heart again. NO! No, she didn’t want him to get over her.
But it wouldn’t work. It would never work because she wanted him so badly. She had to be stoic. Friends. Sex-buddies at most. He was fair and understanding. So why wasn’t she relieved he felt that way and wanted no more from her?
Nah? I’ll get over it? That wasn’t enough. Not after what they’d experienced together. It was epic. Amazing. Once in a lifetime. And finding each other again?
It was pretty romantic. She wasn’t willing to take a risk and now she was annoyed at him for respecting her decision? For being a fucking adult? Why? She gave him no other choice.
Great. Awesome. He was a well-adjusted, emotionally mature man. Fuck. Raising a daughter. Violet was a stupid, immature girl, out of his league. They would never have encountered each other in River’s End or the valley. They would have simply moved on with their respective lives. Here, they could so easily avoid each other. In the mountains? They could not.
Gage was a mature, settled, responsible, older man. Violet was a girl, not much older than his daughter. Ugh. But she resented his easy acceptance of her refusal to see more of him.
She preferred what? Him baring his teeth and slapping his chest with his fists while galloping past her on a white steed and sweeping her off her feet? A white knight? Ha. She told him NO in clear terms. So why the sinking heart and sarcasm? Why was she being so stupid?
I won’t. Not so easily. None of it. I’m sorry I can’t be better, she replied.
One simple, honest sentence.
I said I would get used to it. I didn’t say it would be easy, he answered.
Thank God. She sighed and something made her warm inside. She didn’t want to make it easy for him. Not when it felt like concrete in her veins whenever she imagined never seeing him again.
But in the end, she wouldn’t see him again. Leaning the phone against her forehead, she blinked back her tears. No. Oh, no. She didn’t want to be hurt anymore, not by Gage. She didn’t want to invest any emotions in him. That was why she’d kept her name to herself and tried so hard to keep herself from loving him.
None of this is easy.
He answered after a long time: Life isn’t easy.
Oh yeah, she heard the rebuke in his simple, flawless response.
Couldn’t deal with it either. A heavy blob of lead settled in her guts and pulled her down.
CHAPTER 14
TWO DAYS LATER, VIOLET was back at work. Halfway through the week, she glanced up to find Andy standing in the doorway of the classroom. It was lunchtime and she was the only one left in the classroom.
Damn it.
She stared back at Gage’s daughter. The reality of that still blew her away. She hated knowing Andy was taller and older and more intelligent than she expected, with her own opinions about Violet sleeping with her dad. She instantly got to her feet. “Andy? Um… hey. What can I do for you?”
