Rivers end boxset volume.., p.121
River's End Boxset Volume 3, page 121
But now it was time to make his exit after an awkward reunion. One he should not have initiated.
He nodded and started to pass her. A few steps later, her voice called out and stopped him dead. “Can I ask you something before you leave? Where exactly are you from? If I’m ever traveling through there, wherever it is, maybe I could stop by and say hello like this.”
His heart thudded with longing. He was actually wishing she would. Hell, yeah. He was really wishing for that to happen. He turned back. Slipping his wallet from his back pocket, he handed a business card to her. “There is all you need to know to contact me. If you ever want to say ‘hi,’ I hope you do.”
A sinking feeling crept over him, a sense of knowing, nah, that’ll never happen. It was a kick to see her again though. She lived up to everything he believed and remembered about her.
Taking the card he offered her, she smiled, obviously amused. “Paper again. You really are a relic from the last century.”
“Why change a good thing?” He flashed a warm smile. He was good-natured. The comfort and ease he displayed; why didn’t she feel that? “Besides, lots of people still use business cards.”
“Sure, Grandpa.” She grinned and glanced down before frowning. “Westport? Is that next to the ocean? You live all the way out there?”
“Yes. I run my granddad’s charter boat business.” How did that remain undisclosed during their infamous night? Maybe because back then, he was still vacillating over what to do for a living. After working some odd jobs, he wasn’t sure he wanted to commit to the lifestyle of his granddad, but he soon went all in and never regretted it for a day.
“The ocean. That’s pretty far from here. What brings you so far inland?” Her words were said in jest, but a high-strung tension was attached to it.
“Vacation actually. I’ve got a friend who lives on a river in Idaho. He boasts about the excellent fly-fishing so I’m on my way over there for a week of fishing and relaxing.”
“A fishing vacation? I thought you fished for a living?”
He grinned. “Yes. It’s sort of a calling. Can’t explain it. Everything I do seems to revolve around it, I guess.”
She nodded and stuck her hand out in parting. He set his hand in hers. Their gazes explored each other, drawing them closer together. She glanced down to read his business card.
Didn’t she feel the magnetic draw? It was so damn strong, it was shocking.
“Mathias? Your first name isn’t Mathew?”
“No.”
“Oh, I just assumed it was.”
Her frown deepened. Apparently, she didn’t like knowing his name was actually Mathias. “Well… It was nice to see you, Matt.”
He released her hand. “You too. I wish you all the best, Lillian.”
She gulped. “You too.”
Then he stepped past her and left.
Good God. The same freaking attraction that led to so much trouble for her was still there. How could it be? After all this time? Especially after what happened last time.
But the zing! in her fingertips when they touched was not imagined. The strength of his gaze emitted strange sensations that she sensed throughout her body. Like something physical were caressing her skin. It extended to the areas it should not have reached. So what if he was still handsome? Lots of men were that good-looking. Why did she have such a reaction to him?
It was about the son she had. His son. Matt was her son’s mirror image. It was more than disturbing. She never realized how much Benny looked like his father until Matt showed up in a vibrant, refreshing manifestation just now.
The grip of ancient guilt all but suffocated and alarmed her.
He was her son’s father, and the man had no idea he even conceived a son. No more than half a mile away, Matt’s son frolicked in the water with his great-grandmother.
Her son had no idea that his father was there. Right there on the ranch.
In the end, she knew she was avoiding the truth. By denying her son the chance to meet his father, she was ignoring any wishes Benny might have to know his dad. She had become the problem. Before now, she had no way to contact his dad.
She tried to trace the name Mathew Griffin and Matt Griffin. But she never tried Mathias Griffin. She felt like slamming her head against the wall. How could she not try another version of his legal name? For seven years, she simply failed to find him because she had the wrong name!
A new wave of guilt for not knowing her baby-daddy’s first name made her shudder. Lord, that sounded so bad.
His last name, Griffin, was common and hundreds of them came up on the internet searches she did. None, however, were the “Matt” she sought. She never found his picture or any other reference that connected him to her child’s father. Not until she strolled up behind him today.
Until that moment, she wasn’t betraying Benny or Matt. She didn’t know. Now? She did. She knew the truth. She had his business card. She had his name. Three phone numbers. An email address. A business name and location. She finally made contact.
Staring down at her shoes, her heart sank like heavy river rock inside her chest.
He lived somewhere on the damn Pacific Ocean coastline? That was about as far across the state as it was from New York. It wasn’t a matter of driving Benny an hour away to visit him. It was totally unworkable. She wondered what might be workable. Did she expect Matt to hear the news he had a son and just what? Suddenly decide to spend summers and weekends with him?
Her worst fear and greatest desire clashed. Who wouldn’t want to know her son? Meeting him once, and seeing his sweet, toothy smile or hearing his funny words were priceless. How could Matt not want to know her son? Their son? She shivered. Their son. No. She wondered if she could handle that. She never had to share her son with anyone. He was all hers. First and always.
Sure, her friends and family members loved, adored and helped care for him. But Benny was all hers. She made the final choices. She provided for his needs, wellbeing, and physical, mental and emotional happiness. Now she had to share that? Her brain began to shrivel with doubt. No. The very idea of having to ask or consult with anyone else was repugnant. Ugh. No way. She liked being the boss of the entire situation.
Once terrified and scared, due to being so young, Lillian lacked self-confidence at first. But her commitment to motherhood was vigorous and her love for her son made her sure she was destined to be the sole source of Benny’s upbringing. In only a few weeks after his birth, Lillian considered it a blessing she could not locate his father. That meant Benny was exclusively hers.
Of course, she could not tell Matt the truth. She didn’t owe this stranger anything. Never mind, her son. HER SON. He was hers, alone. No. That was the reason she swiftly dispatched Matt. Even lying to get him out of there. Acting standoffish, she hoped he would feel odd and strange for seeking a random partner in a one-night stand that never mattered.
She made him feel worse than weird. Not unwelcome, but definitely strange.
What if she were married, with her own family? Or dating someone exclusively? And what spouse would allow a freaking one-night stand to visit out of the blue? No one. He took an odd and unsolicited gamble by showing up like that. So unexpected. He should have felt weird, and she was glad he left. It was thankfully over and done.
She tried to ignore their almost-instant connection. That fast, the night he asked to buy her a drink in the bar flashed back into her mind. A totally natural and common occurrence after meeting someone. Nothing original or cute about it. Even the anonymous sex.
But the warmth they both felt re-emerged. The instant appreciation of humor and the way he so easily understood her without any explanation were uncanny. It never happened before or since that night. Celebrating the end of the classes required for her bachelor’s degree, Lillian went out with friends to release the pressure and steam and there he was. Across the bar. They made eye contact and the obvious interest they shared could not be repressed. “Hi, can I buy you a drink?”
Lillian said sure, and they spent five or six hours just talking and drinking. They both got drunk before they shut the place down.
Back at the motel, they had sex. Snippets and details were blurry. Some images were startlingly clear. She woke up early, horrified at herself and overwhelmed with shame, she had no option in her mind but to vanish. Go. Her humiliation forbade her from giving him any more identification. Knowing his name was all she had. So, she vacated the premises as fast as she could and went back to school.
In the next few months, she realized she was pregnant. There was no mistaking who the father was. The idea of coming home in disgrace to confess to her family she was pregnant and didn’t know how to contact the father was the lowest point in her life. But now she loved her son, so it didn’t matter how Benny came into the world; she was just grateful he did and shared his life with her now.
Her parents were not judgmental and fully understood her predicament. Lillian’s birth was also unplanned. Her shattered self-respect and belief in herself were soon restored. Her parents were always honest with her and never failed to convince her of their unconditional love. That’s exactly how she instantly felt with Benny.
Her parents, Jocelyn and Ben, conceived Lillian on the one night they had sex. A terrible forest fire broke out subsequently. Her father, Ben, was unhappily married to another woman named Marcy.
Tragically, Marcy died from smoke inhalation in the same fire, on the same night. Ben freaked out and left town, temporarily turning to drugs and alcohol to cope with his losses.
Jocelyn also left, preferring her privacy during her pregnancy, which she endured alone. When her labor started, she called the Rydell River Ranch for help and Jack summoned an ambulance.
But Lillian came before the ambulance arrived and they found her on the floor of the shack her mother lived in. Jack left to look for Ben, whom he eventually managed to bring home to Jocelyn and Lillian. It was a tense time, but they all worked through their issues and married one another. Several years later, Jade was born. The ensuing years cleared up most of the misunderstandings between them.
Lillian’s “indiscretion” was easily tolerated and forgiven. They were eager to help and support her. They never blamed her for changing her scholastic path temporarily.
“This is not supposed to happen to me. I’m supposed to be a doctor! My purpose is to help animals. That’s always been the plan!” Lillian cried, sobbing against her mom’s chest before Benny was born.
Her mom patted Lillian’s back, being taller and stronger than Lillian, Jocelyn easily held her tightly against her chest. “You will continue on your path. This baby will simply be a new feature of it. A new highlight in the plan. I promise you: it will be okay. When I found out I was pregnant with you, I believed my life was over, but as it turned out, your birth was the start of it all.”
“That only worked out because Dad knew. He was a decent man; he was just mixed up. I don’t know the first thing about Benny’s father. I was careful. I swear I was. We used condoms. I don’t understand how it happened… and please don’t lecture me about the logistics.”
Lillian cried a lot during the next several months. She received her bachelor’s degree and after Benny was born, began her first year of vet school, all while caring for her newborn baby. Benny arrived in the summer, so she moved back to school with him in tow. She received lots of help from her family and plenty of money to afford adequate childcare. They eagerly contributed their time and money to ensure Lillian could manage to attend vet school while raising her dear, little toddler. It was hard for Lillian, but somehow having Benny gave her a stronger sense of purpose and actually made her work harder.
Her family’s support was invaluable and spared her from the travails of the average struggling single mom, but Lillian liked and needed to be responsible for Benny.
After receiving her Doctor of Veterinary Medicine and taking the state exam, Lillian returned home.
Contented to be back where she always intended to practice, she began her chosen career. Her first clientele, i.e., her grandfather and father, remained her biggest clients. Her dad operated the boarding, training and breeding programs at the ranch.
Her grandfather, Jack, ran the River Rescue, which required an entirely different line of equipment. Rescuing abused and neglected horses, most with both emotional and physical injuries and scars, Jack had to employ various innovative therapies. Lillian had long ago proven her incomparable value, which included several emergencies where her close proximity turned out to be a lifesaver.
“Always knew we needed a live-in vet here, little Lil. Seeing that it’s you, makes me so proud every time I watch you work your magic.” Lillian never forgot her Grandpa Jack saying that to her. It helped her manage the strain and stress of being a single mother and trying to set up a new veterinarian practice. Lillian never lost sight of her goals. She adored seeing that sparkle in her beloved grandfather’s eyes and hearing the pride in the tone of his voice whenever he spoke about her.
“You expected Dad or Charlie to be the vet though.”
“I thought Charlie might take that path, but his life took him in a far different direction than animal care could offer. Ben wanted to be like me, doing the job I do and carrying on our legacy, while Charlie saw things so differently, and had to seek his happiness far from here. Now, seeing my granddaughter is here again, trained to do this wonderful profession, is nothing less than excellent.”
She laughed but saw his eyes tearing up. Being such a sedate, gruff man, Jack rarely expressed himself. When he did, one listened.
Lillian never had a discussion with her grandparents about the father of her surprise pregnancy. They knew. Her mom told them and let her know she did. But to their credit, not once did a disappointing glance land on her. Not once did they ask her about the sketchy deadbeat who sired Benny. They simply were loving, supportive parents as her parents were to her son.
“Benny Rydell represents the fourth generation,” was all Jack said with a gleam of pride.
Benny didn’t resemble any other Rydell. He was his father’s clone. Only Lillian saw that. Only she knew that.
Benny had no father in his life.
Not until today.
CHAPTER 3
WHAT TO DO WITH the knowledge of learning the whereabouts of her child’s father?
Walking back to the beach, she found her grandma holding Benny’s hand as they trudged up the road. His wet hair clung to his scalp and his beach towel was wrapped around his shoulders, being so large it trailed behind him. “That didn’t take long,” Grandma said as she drew closer.
Lillian smiled at them. “No. It was simply an old friend who wanted to say hello on his way through town. Someone I met in college.”
Grandma Erin shared a look with Benny and Lillian caught it. “What are you two cooking up?”
“Well, we thought you’d be a bit longer so I might have promised Benny some chicken nuggets and French fries and his choice of a movie…”
Lillian cringed. She never allowed chicken nuggets in her domain, but Benny loved many meat products that various family members offered him. Long ago, she quit fighting for him to be exclusively vegan or even vegetarian. Benny ate meat on occasion, but only with the family. Still… it made her cringe. The time Benny spent with his great-grandparents was precious. How many kids had healthy, youthful, vibrant great-grandparents to interact with in their daily lives?
Not many. She always encouraged these special times, trying to pack her son full of them, as she remembered herself receiving.
She knew how these simple, ordinary, and extraordinary times became etched into her childhood memories. Her loyalty to Jack and Erin Rydell bordered on being their fan-girl. She adored her grandparents and believed they hung the moon and stars when she was growing up. Her reverence for them never faded. She remained Grandpa’s enthusiastic fan-girl even if she were freaking thirty years old.
“So basically, I’m on my own for the night?”
Grandma grinned. “You are.”
Benny giggled. “I get to eat ice cream too.”
Grandma cringed and pretended to give him a stern look with a finger to her lips. “That was supposed to be a secret.”
Lillian played along. “Well, I can’t compete with chicken nuggets, fries and ice cream. Besides, I’d never let you eat all that.”
“That’s what great-grandparents are for.”
“Between you two, his teeth will rot out by the time he’s ten.”
Benny snorted. “Not with all the green stuff you feed me.”
Lillian laughed as his face twisted into a sneer. “Well… I guess my job as a mother is done here.” She leaned over and kissed the top of Benny’s wet head. “Okay. I’ll let you guys go off to rot your teeth.” She glanced up at her grandma and mouthed a thank you. Erin smiled and winked back in reply. Setting her hand on Benny’s again, they continued walking towards the house.
Lillian’s evening was unexpectedly free. Usually, that was a welcome break; but now, she wanted to cling to Benny’s little body and reassure herself he was there and safe and still all hers. His father had no clue about him. She wasn’t prepared to be swallowed by a terrible, dark feeling that she was doing a very bad thing. She wasn’t really denying a parent the knowledge of his child.
Imagine if she knew nothing about Benny? She shuddered in horror. Her biology demanded that she carry him to term and give birth to him so the knowledge and connection between them existed almost from the beginning.
It wasn’t Matt’s fault if he didn’t have it. It wasn’t hers either. It was a fact of life and biology. Without contact information, neither party could reach the other. At the time, she believed he attended the same school. She never asked, which turned out to be an obviously, stupid oversight. After fleeing from the motel that night, she looked for him on campus only to learn there was no Mathew Griffin. From there, she relied on the internet for her searches but never managed to locate him.
