Rivers end boxset volume.., p.132
River's End Boxset Volume 3, page 132
Thank God. His relief washed over him. But maybe he shouldn’t be so happy. Although he really was. He needed some time to psych himself up for this.
All at once, the full impact of seeing Lillian Rydell in the flesh hit him again. The snug way she fit beneath his collarbone. The soft sway of thick, dark hair and the gleam in her eyes. Her coy smile, so genuine and shy, yet confident and welcoming. He sensed her confusion to the situation just as he felt the same. They stared at one another without moving or speaking.
It lasted far too long to be a casual, easy greeting. Matt’s eyes roamed down her body, taking in the black-ribbed tank top she wore over khaki shorts that stopped mid-thigh. Her smooth, firm legs were both shapely and well-toned.
But Matt also saw the sparkle in her eyes. Her interest. Intelligence. Did he really see a flash of joy in them when she first saw him? He was sure of it. Lillian scanned him too, taking in his handsome exterior. His presence pleased her. An undeniable, mutual attraction and warmth brought them together long before they discussed it and no surprise, it continued to this moment. He never considered himself a particularly interesting or attractive guy, but with Lillian? Hell, whatever she saw in him he found in bucketfuls when he looked at her.
Still, she was so far out of his league in her looks, her pedigree, her famous family, unlimited wealth and above-average smarts.
He was proud, actually, that he incited this usually careful, articulate woman to act outside of her normal behavior. Even at this moment, and both times they had sex, he never believed casual sex appealed to her.
Except with him.
After visibly swallowing, Lillian said, “Hi.”
He stared at her solemnly and replied in a serious tone, “Hi.”
That was followed by both of them plastering on strained, yet familiar grins. They were sharing this moment just as deeply as they so often did their other moments. Shaking her head, Lillian commented on the obvious. “This is so strange.”
“Yeah. It’s definitely that,” he agreed.
She opened the door. “Please, come inside, out of the heat. And we’ll…”
“Figure out how to be Benny’s parents together?” he asked dryly as he passed her. She shut the door behind him.
“Yeah. I guess that’s why I feel so uncomfortable right now.”
“Most people would.”
She gestured for him to leave the safety of the door and he turned and saw the small, tidy entryway that dropped into a sunken living room tastefully decorated in soft grays and blues. He scanned the room, saying, “What a great house.”
She laughed. “I spent most of last week cleaning it. Obsessively. I also planted all of those flowers in front, trying to… I don’t even know what. Improve the surroundings, I guess. As if having perfectly spotless floors would let me know how to approach this.”
“I showered twice this morning.”
She stared at him, her eyebrows jutting up with unmasked curiosity. “Really? Why?”
“I hoped it would calm my nerves and help me make some sense out of this. After the first time, I purposely didn’t shave, trying to appear more casual and cool, but then I decided I looked lazy and careless. So, I undressed and took another shower, shaved, and started all over again.”
Her eyes dilated with undisguised, (and he suspected), unintentional interest when he said he undressed. She covered her silly gaffe by lowering her head and releasing a little laugh. “Unfortunately, nothing seems to make this any easier.”
“No. I guess we’ll just have to muddle through it.”
She exhaled a breath. “Yeah. I think so too. And… it’s nice that you admit that… you own your uneasiness and confusion over what to do, and you’re so honest about it. Puzzles me sometimes why that is, why we can be so honest.”
“Always been like that between us. It puzzles me too.”
And they went right back to being honest.
Their gazes glimmered as they stared appreciatively at the other. Matt was magnetically drawn to her, which was how they ended up in this situation.
“Well, I appreciate all the work you did, and it’s a great house and garden.”
“The best is this way.” He followed her to a glassed-in sunroom. The space was expansive, airy, bright and wonderful. The sky was visible and huge pine trees spared the room from too much heat by providing dappled shade on the floor. But the view that overlooked the river was the real jewel. Flashing reflections through the red, wrinkled trees, the backdrop extending to the foothills, sounding like a loud, rushing fountain, it offered a soothing background and unparalleled serenity.
“Wow. This is fantastic.”
“Yes, I purposely designed my house to be plain in the front so the entire back view would include the river and the forest while giving us a lot more privacy.” She waved toward her patio wicker furniture that was covered in dark green cushions. “Please sit down. Let me get you a tall glass of lemonade.”
He nodded with a smile and sat as she disappeared. When she returned, she carried a glass pitcher of lemonade with fresh lemon wedges and plenty of ice cubes. She filled two glasses and the ice cubes made a clinking sound. Matt sipped the cool, perfectly delightful concoction and Lillian sat down to enjoy hers. Matt was never so formally received by anyone before, and he was careful to remember his manners.
Finally, Lillian swallowed a gulp of lemonade and sighed, “Oh, fuck it.”
“What?” Matt replied, somewhat startled.
“I’ve never made lemonade before. Nor do I often sip it while sitting back here so formally. I don’t even have a glass pitcher. I had to borrow this one from my grandmother. I’m not that type of person at all. I rarely entertain because I’m usually too busy and uninterested in socializing. Honestly, most of the time Benny’s toys are scattered all over the living room and our shoes are usually in a pile by the door.
Our two cats, which we adore, shed their hair all over the chair you’re sitting in, and I had to spend an hour vacuuming most of it off there. I was trying to make a good impression on you, but I can’t talk about it now. I feel unlike I ever have before.”
He waited a beat and put the glass down as he started to laugh. “Do you have any beer? A can would be—”
“Great,” she exclaimed loudly, and Matt finally heard her natural laugh. They happily abandoned their formal, picture-perfect pretense for two cans of beer, which they tapped together in a toast before taking generous gulps.
“So, how about starting over? What are your cats’ names? By the way, it’s damn nice to see you again,” Matt said before swallowing the cold brew.
She tipped her head as a thank you and her cheeks began warming rapidly.
“It’s nice to see you again too.”
Their gazes collided, and they held each other captive. Why this incessant, irresistible draw? Matt sipped the beer to break the trance and cleared his throat.
He came there to begin a relationship with his son, not the woman who gave birth to him. The woman who had sex with him again, just a few weeks ago.
“So… um, Benny’s not here?”
She sharpened her gaze on him and pressed her lips together. “No. I thought you’d appreciate having a few moments to collect yourself and allow us to connect first. Benny’s at my parents’ house, which is a short walk up the road. So, you won’t have to wait too long. I just thought this was a better way.” She shrugged. “I have no clue really what the best way to do this is. As you’ve already observed.”
Matt drank faster when his nerves started feeling raw again. “Neither do I. That’s good. I mean, we need a few moments between us if only to help us figure out exactly what to say.”
“I told Benny a college friend of mine was coming here for a visit and wanted to stay for a few days on vacation. I hope that works. It takes all the pressure off you. You can talk and interact more naturally with him and just go with the flow. Eventually, when it’s right, we’ll tell him the unvarnished truth and explain ourselves then.”
Matt’s anxiety colored his logic, and he was nearly ready to fling the truth out and get it over with. Without any warning, he thought he should let the child know who he was. But this sounded much more sensible. Calmer, more rational and more child-friendly. Again, Benny came first. That had to be Matt’s mantra from now on.
“Yes. That is a good way, I agree. So…”
“I didn’t want to tell him by myself. Or toss it out there and confuse him or make him unsure how he should treat you. But perhaps a face, a voice and a personality will help Benny realize what father means when we clear everything up for him. And perhaps, it’ll do the same for you. For us.”
He nodded. “Because there is no other way to go, now that the truth is out.”
“No. None. From the moment I realized I was pregnant by a man I didn’t know, and had no way of finding, I considered what to say if Benny ever asked me about his father.”
The stark reminder of what young Lillian endured for not knowing where Matt was and being forced to introduce him to his own child horrified him now. Learning that his life’s path was suddenly irrevocably taking a new direction was a lot to handle. But Lillian’s was much worse.
She cleared her throat. “So let me call my folks, and they’ll bring Benny here. I think that would be better. That way, it’s not like putting you under a microscope lens. Just give me a few minutes.” She all but catapulted to her feet, eager for something to do, or so it seemed.
Matt rose to his feet too, and his stomach wrenched with cramps. Holy shit. Here it was. Finally. The big moment.
CHAPTER 12
LILLIAN HELD HER PHONE and quickly texted her mom. Her fingers felt too large, and she fumbled when she pressed the small keys. It was Matt’s presence. He was so potent to her senses. Yet, he wasn’t really doing anything. Mostly quiet since entering her house, Matt barely moved, keeping his limbs close to his sides and calm. No nervous jiggling or toe-tapping like Lillian worried her whole body was doing. He spoke clearly and appeared sure, but when she suggested calling her parents, she didn’t miss the streak of apprehension that filled his eyes.
Thank God. He finally seemed to grasp the unique novelty and magnificence of this moment. How strange it would be to introduce a parent to their child for the first time. The blame would fall on the parent in most cases, who deserved their discomfort and any negative feelings that might have accompanied it.
In this case, however, Matt and Lillian did nothing wrong deliberately. It was careless, perhaps. Whatever one thinks about one-night stands and casual sex with strangers was personal and beyond the judgment of others. Matt’s failure to know his son wasn’t his fault, nor was it hers. And now, here they were, surprisingly amiable still despite the ordeal that loomed before them. Matt obviously was more distressed and unsure about being a father.
One moment, he was single and childless and the next, he was the father of a growing child. Disconcerting? Ya think? Pretty unsettling for most guys.
And yet, Matt looked so good. Lillian’s stomach fluttered with things unrelated to her son or their pivotal meeting. His dark brown hair curled and coiled around his head in adorable ringlets just like their son possessed. She was still allowed to twirl and twist Benny’s hair and gawk over it, since Benny didn’t mind. Lillian expected him to someday yank his head away with a sharp retort at her. But until then, she caressed the silky curls that danced all over his head and covered his ears and forehead when he went too long without a trim.
Matt’s curls were the same. He seemed even more handsome right now in his tailored slacks and button-up shirt. He wanted to present himself in a well-groomed, respectable light, not the grungy clothes of his vocation. It didn’t really matter what he wore because her insides began curling and stretching and longing to touch and caress him like always.
He was a sensuous man. A hot, single, intriguing man.
Matt was already far more than the biological father of her child. And co-parent. There was nothing to describe how she felt around him.
Lillian became an irresistible, pulsating, hungry, lusting woman whenever she encountered him. That never happened to Lillian before.
She bit her lip to distract her from her naughty thoughts as he stood up and stepped closer to her. She hated the way people towered over her, since many of her family members were tall but with Matt, she didn’t mind being small at all. It made her hot when she imagined herself being so tiny and protected by him. A series of little bursts and urges ran through her entire body. His smile was a bit crooked, one-sided, and his nerves seemed to bring it out whenever he got distressed. Lillian loved how it sent little butterflies to flight inside her. Stop. She had to halt her fantasies and focus on reality.
Benny was what mattered now. This man was his father. He was the only person in the entire world with as much legal authority and claim to her son as she had. He was the only person who could challenge her in court over Benny. The power that no one else possessed, but she was fantasizing about his physically appealing wide shoulders instead of his reaction to meeting his son. At such a huge, poignant moment, she was lost in… what? Sexual fantasies? She hadn’t had sex in eighteen months prior to her decisive night with Matt. Sexual gratification was never number one on her list of priorities, but a few weeks since being with Matt again, she was all but ready to grab him to relieve her from the swirling, hot images and passionate emotions.
Then came the knock. They were here. Matt tensed beside her, and she automatically reached out and set her hand on his arm above his wrist. “Do you prefer to wait here? I’ll bring Benny in with me. It’ll be okay,” she added lamely, for lack of anything else to say. His mouth was suddenly bracketed with stress lines and he was unsmiling. She squeezed the flesh of his arm and quickly released him.
“That’s fine. Yes. I’d prefer to wait here.” His tone sounded strangled.
She withdrew her hand and turned to leave, adding over her shoulder, “Smile. You don’t want to scare him.”
He gave her a mock smile that made her giggle. “Not like that. That will definitely scare him.”
“So… somewhere in between?”
“Yes. I’ll go get him now.”
He nodded since there was nothing more she could do to make this any easier for either of them.
Hurrying to the front door, she opened it and found her mom and Benny standing there with Benny’s little hand in hers. Benny darted inside.
She and her mom exchanged long, heartfelt glances. “How’s it going so far?”
Oh, fine. I want to jump his bones every time I meet his gaze was the first thought that crossed Lillian’s mind, but she settled for a more polite response. “Good. I mean, when you think about the situation. He’s very polite and he doesn’t blame me. He’s also unsure and nervous but that’s probably to be expected.”
“Yeah. That would be about right. I remember the moment your dad met you when you were only a few days old. So this must be… a lot more intense.”
“It is. A lot more.”
“Let me know how it goes.”
Lillian nodded as she shut the door after her mom left. Turning, she grinned at her son. “Hey, Benny. Remember the friend I told you about? He’s here now. Come and meet him.”
“Okay.” Benny’s good-natured tone showed little reaction. Why would he? He didn’t care about any of her other friends who came over. He might have reacted with more interest if the friend were his own age.
Benny took Lillian’s hand when she offered it. She fought the urge to wrap him in her embrace and suffocate him with a bear hug against her chest. The compulsive need to shelter him and remind herself he was hers and that could never change made her squeeze his hand even harder.
But his father came a long way to meet him. She wished sometimes that Benny was younger so they could just include his dad without the need for explanation or worrying about the effects on Benny’s psychological development. Other times, she wished Benny was older so she could just be honest. She felt bad too, like she was tricking him by calling Matt a friend since he eventually would learn Matt was his father. It was supposed to feel strange, she supposed. They knew the magnitude of this crucial meeting, but Benny didn’t. How could he know what it meant? Even if she explained it to him, he wouldn’t understand. He understood just enough to ignore it. She hoped she was doing the right thing.
With that, she pushed the door to the sunroom open and sucked in a deep breath to fortify her reserves. Here was the place where it finally would happen. After six years and countless hours of angst and worried concern, Benny was about to meet his father.
Matt turned when he heard them entering behind him. He was pretending to stare out at the landscape, watching the river, but he was actually hoping somehow to soothe his jittery nerves. Damn. This was so uncomfortable and difficult, he feared he could not breathe.
After turning around, he stared for a prolonged moment.
The child looked exactly like him. No one could doubt Matt was Benny’s father if they saw them together. Holy shit.
Benny had the same deep chestnut ringlets, the same round eyes and the same eye color as Matt. Even his profile was identical to Matt’s. Matt never suspected Lillian would lie, but after seeing Benny in person, he had absolutely no doubt.
His mouth hung open for an extended moment and he failed to respond or even move. He was staring in disbelief at his son. That was all he could do. His own flesh and blood was staring back at him curiously but not nearly as amazed as Matt was.
Clinging onto his mother’s hand, Benny showed no sign of realization as he looked at the strange man with exactly the same face as his. Exactly. There was no flash of recognition on Benny’s part. Matt’s thoughts dipped. He dared to hope Benny would feel it instantaneously. Whatever “it” was. The sense of kinship a father feels for his child that usually occurs when his baby was born. A parent experiences that bonding instantaneously. Why not an older child? One who bore his freaking identical image?
