Rivers end boxset volume.., p.122
River's End Boxset Volume 3, page 122
Until he found her.
The heat shimmered on the pavement and sweat rolled off her brow. Walking a little further, she came to one of her favorite spots, the barn. Grandpa Jack was almost always inside one of his rescue barns. Tending to the injured, neglected, and unwanted horses, he nursed them back to health, using any means necessary for each case. It was a passion that became a project and eventually, turned into a successful business that flourished by doing so much good.
She entered the space and the cool air rushed over her. Fans blasted the chilly air and dispersed the incessant mid-summer heat.
She passed Finn Alexander, a relative by marriage who worked in the barns with her grandpa for as long as she could remember. Finn was deaf and didn’t hear her, so she waved to let him know she was present. She wandered further inside until she saw her grandpa. He was bending over one of the horses, its hoof resting in his hand. He looked up and a small smile of pleasure crossed his face. “Hey there, Lil.”
“Hey, Gramps.” She wandered closer, running her hand along the saddles that projected from a wall.
He stopped trimming the hoof of the horse and leaned back on his heels, looking up at her. Then he asked, “What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
Standing up, he set down the file. “From the time you were a little girl, whenever something bothered you, I’d find you wandering in here and touching my saddles or playing with the horse tack until I asked you why.”
“I did not. And I’m no longer little or young.”
He laughed softly. “To me you are and always will be. So, what’s going on, my girl?”
She took comfort in his kind words. His wrinkled, weathered, tough face reflected a compassion that was both gruff and constant. His red hair was faded to white at the age of seventy-two and he wore the same rough jeans, t-shirt, cowboy boots and hat as he did when she was a little girl. In a changing world, the steady image of her grandfather, in his looks and actions and even the timbre of his voice were as constant and predictable as the stars in the sky.
Jack was also correct. She felt like a child in need of a grownup’s advice. She was lost in her thoughts and needed to be told what direction to take. What was best for her son? That was what mattered most.
“Well… yeah. I’m having a crisis of conscience.”
“What’s it about?”
“I… I don’t know. I’ll eventually figure it out.”
“Clearly you will… eventually. That’s why you’re staring at the wall of saddles as if you’ve never seen a saddle before.”
She could not repress a small smile.
He persisted as she hoped he would. “Out with it.”
“It’s… hard to talk about. To you.”
“And yet you came here, knowing where to find me. On purpose.”
Chagrined, she sighed. “Benny’s father… I never told you who he was.”
He gave her a crooked grin. “Well, I have some knowledge about that.”
She freaking blushed, and cleared her throat. “Yes, right. But well, at the time, I didn’t really know his father.”
“Yes. I’m guessing that pertains somehow to something that happened today, after all this time. Until now, you’ve been more than careful not to discuss Benny’s gene pool with me.”
Blushing again, despite her age, Lillian replied, “He… Benny’s dad just left here.”
Her grandpa didn’t gasp or even react to her information. He nodded only once. “You never knew how to find him, right? Not until this day.”
“No, I didn’t. I looked and tried to find him before Benny was born. And later, I just let go of any urge to tell his father because I moved on. I was prepared to have Benny alone. And with all the family situated right here, I had all the advantages and support to make it work. It has worked well. Even down to Grandma having him right now. I didn’t tell Benny’s father about him. I strongly persuaded him to get out of here. He said he was passing through, overheard the Rydell name and came to the ranch to see if I were one of the Rydells. He wasn’t really searching for me or anything, except to say hello, I believe.
“I rejected his invitation for dinner, and he took it with grace and got the hint and left soon afterwards. I asked for his number to contact him later… and he didn’t seem to think it odd. But I didn’t tell him about Benny. The words got stuck in my throat. I don’t know how he didn’t sense something was wrong with me. But he didn’t. He left, never knowing my secret even though it’s something that might change his life forever. Or maybe he’d do nothing and never try to seek a relationship with Benny. But how could I know? I never really knew the guy, so I have no way of guessing or predicting how he’d react.”
She all but wilted after the rush of words slipped free. Her strung-out emotions were visible. Grandpa nodded and she continued. “I don’t know what he’s like. He lives in Westport, next to the Pacific Ocean. He and his grandfather charter a fishing boat. He’s not close-by at all. Doubt he would ever run into Benny, who looks just like him. How can I trust him with Benny? My son. A stranger who has no legal right to him? Poof. Am I supposed to accept that and suddenly share him if Matt’s interested? How do I know what Matt’s like? I don’t even know him. What if he’s a narcissistic asshole or a serial killer? Benny is only six. I can’t risk his safety and health. His emotional wellbeing. He is fine. Just fine. No, he’s great. With us. The fourth generation Rydell. He has Dad and you, Ian, Joey, and Charlie to fill the role of a father figure. He doesn’t need a stranger intruding on his life just because he’s being raised by a single mother. He has anything he desires in spades. He’s happy. He’s so happy. I am too. Why would I ever risk sinking that boat by inviting something I don’t know anything about onto it? He’s someone I don’t know the first thing about. I just can’t do that. And freaking A! The guilt is already gnawing at me. What if… Benny hates me in the future for doing that? Do I have the right to keep Benny’s father from knowing him? What if… they both hate me for it?”
Exhaling a whoosh of breath, she plopped down on an overturned bucket near her. She finally glanced up at her grandpa. He came closer, grabbing another bucket and setting it near hers. “Well, that’s a lot to mull over, huh?”
“Yes,” she agreed. “I screwed up, Grandpa. Having a one-night stand that resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. Weren’t you always shocked by me? You must have been appalled.”
He chuckled and nodded. “Yes. But it didn’t change you, not in my mind, Lil. You were and are a smart, funny, strong kid and then you became a woman. You inherited your mom’s fire and strength; and you know how much I adore your mother. I helped bring you into this world. You were and are very special to me. So, of course, I wasn’t appalled. I took it in stride because I completely trusted you to rise to the occasion and become the best mother. Just like your mother did. She had a hard time but rose above her situation.”
“I guess they can’t be too harsh in their opinions towards me.”
“No. Ben did something wrong by leaving like he did. He had a lot to atone for, which he did and now, look at the family and life they built. Beginnings don’t determine the whole story of the journey and they definitely cannot predict the end. Remember that.”
“But shouldn’t I tell Matt? Or should I just be silent and selfish and…”
His hand touched her shoulder. “Lillian, it isn’t selfish to take a long pause, a few days or weeks, whatever you need to decide the best route to promote the safety and highest potential of your child. Of course, you shouldn’t rush out and tell a stranger this. You rightly deserve all the time you need to evaluate the entire situation from all angles. It’s exactly what I’d do.”
Her guts twisted up and seemed to relax at receiving his permission to admit her doubts. Not knowing wasn’t a bad thing. Tears streamed from her eyes. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I think that’s what makes you both human and the best mother. You want Benny to live the best life he can, and you’re willing to make a hard decision for you if it’s best for him. But you don’t have all the information yet to decide. So, of course, you need more time. And feeling guilty and unsure just means that you’re the best mother you can be.”
She leaned over and rested her head on her grandpa’s shoulder. Taking in a deep breath, she said, “Thank you. I needed to hear exactly that. My head and heart are spinning and shooting mean thoughts, stabbing my own brain with so much indecision. But I dare not be wrong about this. Not when something is so important… or at least, it has the potential to be that important to Benny.”
Jack leaned down and kissed the top of her head. “You should consider visiting where he lives. Get together with him. Check him out and see what he’s like. What his life is like. What his family and friends are like. Get a better feel. Don’t even contemplate telling him about Benny until you’re convinced he isn’t the culmination of your worst fears that you told me about. Or a terrible person who would try to sue you to take Benny from you. Understand this, being with you, his mother, will always be the primary factor in determining Benny’s mental, physical and emotional health in general. So, it’s perfectly legitimate if you choose not to tell this Matt person because he can’t enhance Benny’s life. If there’s a chance he could make it worse or drastically different, fuck no. Don’t tell him. You play it off by saying you were curious about dating him or something like that. Then you leave and never return; especially if the guy is anything less than what I expect from a man and a decent father.”
She smiled and leaned her head against his arm. He was so sure. She relished his dose of confidence. “That is actually a perfect solution. It lessens my guilt without letting me ignore the shocking development in the situation. But you’re right. I am the most important part of Benny’s life right now, so if any person tried to take him from me in any way, then fuck him.”
Grandpa patted her arm. “Exactly.”
“I love you. You reveal the truth and also ease my awkwardness in this.”
“You can always come to me for advice. If I ever get so old and senile, I can’t support my kids or grandkids, well, then it’s time to put me out to pasture.”
“And say fuck with the best of them.”
He chuckled. The first time he said that in her presence was when she was in her twenties. He shocked her at first, but she also knew she reached adulthood in Jack Rydell’s eyes. He didn’t swear around the kids, but he did with his sons and other adults. Now it was okay to do around her. She was one of his people. “Sometimes it’s the best word to describe something.”
“For this. Kind of. I can’t believe this day.”
“Matt, you said? What did he seem like?”
“Honestly? He was nice enough. Friendly. Asked if I were married or with anyone in particular and hinted that he’d leave right away if that were the case, considering our past… connection.”
“There was a connection though?”
She groaned. “Oh, Grandpa…”
“Well… I’m still well aware of how biology works.”
“I… yes…. I mean, I’d never have done what I did unless there was a strong connection. It came back today.”
“Then maybe you should go and check him out. Interview him if necessary. Find out if he’s worth introducing to your son. Don’t give in from guilt. Tell him but only if it’s absolutely clear that Benny’s life will be better if he knows. I give you my permission to make that decision for Benny. You know him. You be the judge as to who gets access to him. Even his father. For now, he doesn’t know about him so it’s no loss. And if someday Benny finds out about this, you tell him what I said.”
She laughed. “Grandpa…”
He waved a hand. “Yeah… sure, I’ll be dead. But you can still tell him…”
“Oh, don’t even…” She shuddered against his strong and wiry physique. She could not imagine a day in the world without Jack Rydell being in it.
“If Mel did this, what I did, would you react so coolly?”
“I would. My son cheated on his wife and hightailed it out of here, leaving me to deliver his child. Forgiveness came easy to me, all of us make mistakes. Bad judgments. Lazy decisions even. Selfish actions too. It’s what we do about them that matters. And look what you did with this, Lil.”
She lifted her head and searched her grandpa’s weathered, wrinkled, dear face. “You really mean that?”
“Always. Even after I’m dead. You remember that.”
She nodded.
“I will. Always. But you will never die. You will live always… inside me forever. You know that, right?”
He turned her in a hug. For the first time since Matt showed up, her panic started to wane. Like a freaking spider, it climbed up her esophagus and lodged in her throat. She relaxed into Jack’s arms, trusting his strength and guidance as always. He didn’t say things she didn’t believe were true. So, he must have believed in her. And what she said. He also admired her judgment.
“Now I should probably repeat this with my parents. Boldly reliving the embarrassing circumstances surrounding my child’s conception.”
“Well…” Her grandpa laughed outright. “Remember they better not cast stones, considering how they created you.”
She laughed and let it sink in.
Grandpa Jack continued, “I know you’ll make the right decision for you and Benny. Don’t let your guilt con you into giving away any of your power. Okay? Only include this Matt if you’re damn sure he will enhance Benny’s life and not infringe on yours. That is number one priority. Guilt you can live with. Losing Benny to someone who doesn’t deserve it? That’s something you can’t live with.”
“Thank you. This is what I failed to say but fully intended to decide. You’re right. Benny is the only priority. From there, I can live with anything.”
“Exactly. I love you, Lillian Rydell.”
“I love you too, Grandpa.”
Lillian started to plot her strategy. Telling her parents, getting their support and advice and then making plans to visit the father of her child… But to what end? She had no clue yet. Two weeks later, she hired a trained professional to cover her vet practice and she set off to find out.
CHAPTER 4
LILLIAN KNOCKED THREE TIMES. Softly. She almost hoped no one would answer. But she’d come this far, enduring a gut ache for days to make the decision to come here. After traveling for half the day, she settled into a seaside motel, although she actually had not seen the ocean yet. The Pacific Ocean was something mystical and new to her.
She tracked his home address from his business card using GPS. She imagined how shocked he’d be when she suddenly arrived at the small, modest, square, one-story building. The neighborhood, if you could call it that, consisted of a long road, scattered with ramshackle properties, outbuildings and weather-worn residences. Most appeared to be built during the late nineteen sixties and early nineteen seventies. Some might have been constructed as late as the eighties, but they were all dated and looked tired. The one that matched the address on the card had blue paint, white shutters and a black roof. A small porch with barely enough room for two people to stand on it surrounded the front door. On each side of the door was a window.
The front door opened, and Lillian’s heart thumped so hard she could have sworn she heard it. An elderly gentleman answered. Granddad? Most likely. If she were at the right address.
“Um… hello, I was looking for Mathias Griffin.”
“He’s out on the boat. Whom shall I say is asking?”
She hesitated, unwilling to answer or identify herself to a stranger. But she could not back down. She planned to meet up with Matt and feel him out. She had to search his life for clues about who he was and the caliber of person he could turn out to be. Only then could she make the great, huge decision of her life: revealing the truth that he was the father of her child.
Her heart sank at the mere thought of it. She fought the urge to turn around and leave. Granddad could describe her, although Matt wouldn’t really know it was she that showed up here. She could go back home to the ranch and leave instructions that a man named Mathias Griffin was unwelcome there for the family and staff, including all of the workers of the ranch, resort, rescue, rentals and golf club. She knew they would adhere to her wishes. Matt would be forever banned from their world and her son would remain safe.
But… what about the plan?
She had to see.
“Um… my name is Lillian Rydell. Matt and I are old friends and I hoped he might want to grab a coffee with me as I just got into town…” Her voice drifted off. Granddad would not recognize her name… right?
“Oh? Well, come on in. Wait here. He should be back in less than an hour now. He’s probably already back in port and most likely disembarking the clients and their catch, or else he’s cleaning the boat up. Please…”
He swept open the front door and offered Lillian a welcoming gesture with his palm up and a kind smile. He noticed her hesitation. “Oh. Pardon me. I’m Matt’s granddad, the name is Jefferson Griffin. We bunk together. He was bringing home fresh crab for dinner, so I know he’ll be here in no time at all.”
She decided to take him at his word and stepped inside. She was at the right place and she knew it. Matt mentioned his beloved granddad to her that night—it was all she knew about him though. She had no doubt she was physically safe. “Thank you, Mr. Griffin. I hope I’m not interrupting you or anything?”
“No. Not at all. Just watching my daily dose of talk shows. Almost time for evening news. I enjoy staying informed and the talk shows discuss all kinds of stuff I never knew about back in my day. Come sit down. Please. If you don’t mind keeping an old guy company.”
She stepped over the threshold onto the linoleum square that served as the entryway. It led to the small living room. The floor was covered with worn, shaggy, dark carpet, and a matching dark couch that was lumpy and droopy in spots. A large coffee table made of particle board matched a single sidetable that was wedged between the couch and a brown recliner. Obviously, that was Granddad’s spot. Lillian noticed a pile of magazines and novels sitting in a basket. A TV tray held various items ranging from a glass of water, to his spectacles, to a TV remote and a small flip phone. She detected a small limp on his right side when he walked. Dressed in dark slacks and a button-down shirt, he could have been ready to go to a town meeting or church rather than just sitting here. He sat down and indicated she should sit too.
