Delphi complete works of.., p.553
Delphi Complete Works of William Dean Howells, page 553
“Does what?” Cornelia demanded awfully.
“Oh, nothing!”
One of the sketches he fancied so much that he began to carry it forward. He worked at it whenever he came, and under his hand it grew an idealized Charmian, in which her fantastic quality expressed itself as high imagination, and her formless generosity as a wise and noble magnanimity.
She made fun of it when they were alone, but Cornelia could see that she was secretly proud of having inspired it, and that she did not really care for the constant portrait which Cornelia had been faithfully finishing up, while Ludlow changed and experimented, though Charmian praised her to his disadvantage.
One day he said he had carried his picture as far as he could, and he should let it go at that. It seemed an end of their pleasant days together; the two girls agreed that now there could be no further excuse for their keeping on, and Cornelia wondered how she could let him know that she understood. That evening he came to call on her at Mrs. Montgomery’s, and before he sat down he began to say: “I want to ask your advice, Miss Saunders, about what I shall do with my sketch of Miss Maybough.”
Cornelia blenched, for no reason that she could think of; she could not gasp out the “Yes” that she tried to utter.
“You see,” he went on, “I know that I’ve disappointed Mrs. Maybough, and I’d like to make her some sort of reparation, but I can’t offer her the sketch instead of the portrait; if she liked it she would want to pay for it, and I can’t take money for it. So I’ve thought of giving the sketch to Miss Maybough.”
He looked at Cornelia, now, for the advice he had asked, but she did not speak, and he had to say: “But I don’t know whether she likes it or not. Do you know whether she does? Has she ever spoken of it to you? Of course she’s said civil things to me about it. I beg your pardon! I suppose you don’t care to tell, and I had no right to inquire.”
“Oh, yes; yes.”
“Well?”
“I know she likes it; she must.”
“But she hasn’t said so?”
“Not — exactly.”
“Then what makes you think she does?”
“I don’t know. Any one would. It’s very beautiful.” Cornelia spoke very dryly, very coldly.
“But is it a likeness? Is it she? Her character? What do you think of it yourself?”
“I don’t know as I can say — —”
“Ah, I see you don’t like it!” said Ludlow, with an air of disappointment. “And yet I aimed at pleasing you in it.”
“At pleasing me?” she murmured thickly back.
“Yes, you. I tried to see her as you do; to do her justice, and if it is overdone, or flattered, or idealized, it is because I’ve been working toward your notion — —”
“Oh!” said Cornelia, and then, to the great amazement of herself as well as Ludlow, she began to laugh, and she laughed on, with her face in her handkerchief. When she took her handkerchief down, her eyes looked strange, but she asked, with a sort of radiance, “And did you think I thought Charmian was really like that?”
“Why, I didn’t know —— You’ve been very severe with me when I’ve suggested she wasn’t. At first, when I wanted to do her as Humbug, you wouldn’t stand it, and now, when I’ve done her as Mystery, you laugh.”
Cornelia pressed her handkerchief to her shining eyes, and laughed a little more. “That is because she isn’t either. Can’t you understand?”
“I could understand her being both, I think. Don’t you think she’s a little of both?”
“I told you,” said Cornelia gravely, “that I didn’t like to talk Charmian over.”
“That was a good while ago. I didn’t know but you might, by this time.”
“Why?” she asked. “Am I so changeable?”
“No; you’re the one constant and steadfast creature in a world of variableness. I didn’t really expect that. I know that I can always find you where I left you. You are the same as when I first saw you.”
It seemed to Cornelia that she had been asking him to praise her, and she was not going to have that. “Do you mean that I behave as badly as I did in the Fair House? No wonder you treat me like a child.” This was not at all what she meant to say, however, and was worse than what she had said before.
“No,” he answered seriously. “I meant that you are not capricious, and I hate caprice. But do I treat you like a child?”
“Sometimes,” said Cornelia, looking down and feeling silly.
“I am very sorry. I wish you would tell me how.”
She had not expected this pursuit, and she flashed back, “You are doing it now! You wouldn’t say that to — to — any one else.”
Ludlow paused thoughtfully. Then he said, “I seem to treat myself like a child when I am with you. Perhaps that’s what displeases you. Well, I can’t help that. It is because you are so true that I can’t keep up the conventions with you.” They were both silent; Cornelia was trying to think what she should say, and he added, irrelevantly, “If you don’t like that sketch of her, I won’t give it to her.”
“I? What have I to do with it?” She did not know what they were talking about, or to what end. “Yes, you must give it to her. I know she wants it. And I know how kind you are, and good. I didn’t mean — I didn’t wish to blame you — I don’t know why I’m making such a perfect fool of myself.”
She had let him have her hand somehow, and he was keeping it; but they had both risen.
“May I stay a moment?” he entreated.
No one thing now seemed more inconsequent than another, and Cornelia answered, with a catching of her breath, but as if it quite followed, “Why, certainly,” and they both sat down again.
“There is something I wish to tell — to speak of,” he began. “I think it’s what you mean. In my picture of Miss Maybough — —”
“I didn’t mean that at all. That doesn’t make any difference to me,” she broke incoherently in upon him. “I didn’t care for it. You can do what you please with it.”
He looked at her in a daze while she spoke. “Oh,” he said, “I am very stupid. I didn’t mean this sketch of mine; I don’t care for that, now. I meant that other picture of her — the last one — the one I painted out before I gave up painting her —— Did you see that it was like you?”
Cornelia felt that he was taking an advantage of her, and she lifted her eyes indignantly. “Mr. Ludlow!”
“Ah! Don’t think that,” he pleaded, and she knew that he meant her unexpressed sense of unfairness in him. “I know you saw it; and the likeness was there because — I wanted to tell you long ago, but I couldn’t, because when we met afterwards I was afraid that I was mistaken, in what I thought — hoped. I had no right to know anything till I was sure of myself; but — the picture was like you because you were all the time in my thoughts, and nothing and no one but you. Cornelia — —” She rose up crazily, and looked toward the door, as if she were going to run out of the room. “What is it?” he implored. “You know I love you.”
“Let me go!” she panted.
“If you tell me you don’t care for me — —”
“I don’t! I don’t care for you, and — let me go!”
He stood flushed and scared before her. “I — I am sorry. I didn’t mean — I hoped —— But it is all right —— I mean you are right, and I am wrong. I am very wrong.”
XXXI.
Ludlow stood aside and Cornelia escaped. When she reached her own room, she had a sense of her failure to take formal leave of him, and she mechanically blamed herself for that before she blamed herself for anything else. At first he was altogether to blame, and she heaped the thought of him with wild reproach and injury; if she had behaved like a fool, it was because she was trapped into it, and could not help it; she had to do so. She recalled distinctly, amidst the turmoil, how she had always kept in mind that a girl who had once let a man, like that dreadful little wretch, whose name she could not take into her consciousness, suppose that she could care for him, could not let a man like Ludlow care for her. If she did, she was wicked, and she knew she had not done it for she had been on her guard against it. The reasoning was perfect, and if he had spoiled everything now, he had himself to thank for it; and she did not pity him. Still she wished she had not run out of the room; she wished she had behaved with more dignity, and not been rude; he could laugh at her for that; it was like her behavior with him from the very beginning; there was something in him that always made her behave badly with him, like a petulant child. He would be glad to forget her; he would believe, now, that she was not good enough for him; and he might laugh; but at least he could not say that she had ever done or said the least thing to let him suppose that she cared for him. If she had, she should not forgive herself, and she should pity him as much as she blamed him now. There was nothing in her whole conduct that would have warranted her in supposing such a thing, if she were a man. Cornelia had this comfort, and she clung to it, till it flashed through her that not being a man, she could not imagine what the things were that could let a man suppose it. She had never thought of that before, and it dazed her. Perhaps he had seen all along that she did care for him, that he had known it in some way unknown and forever unknowable to her; the way a man knows; and all her disguises had availed nothing against him. Then, if he had known, he had acted very deceitfully and very wrongfully, and nothing could excuse him unless there had been other signs that a girl would recognize, too. That would excuse him, it would justify him, and she tried to see the affair with another woman’s eyes. She tried to see it with Charmian’s eves, but she knew they were filled with a romantic iridescence that danced before them and wrapt it in a rainbow mist. Then she tried Mrs. Westley’s eyes, which she knew were friendly to both Ludlow and herself, and she told her everything in her impassioned revery: all about that little wretch; all about the first portrait of Charmian and the likeness they had seen in it; all about what had happened since Ludlow began to criticise her work again. In the mere preparation for this review she found another’s agency insufferable; she abandoned herself wildly to a vision which burned itself upon her in mass and detail, under a light that searched motive and conduct alike, and left her no refuge from the truth. Then she perceived, how at every moment since they began those last lessons at Charmain’s he must have believed she cared for him and wished him to care for her. If she had not seen it too, it was because she was stupid, and she was to blame all the same. She was blind to what he saw in her, and she had thought because she was hidden from herself that she was hidden from him.
It was not a question now of whether she cared for him, or not; that was past all question; but whether she had not led him on to think she did, and she owned that down to the last moment before he had spoken, wittingly or unwittingly she had coaxed him to praise her, to console her, lo make love to her. She was rightly punished, and she was ready to suffer, but she could not let him suffer the shame of thinking himself wrong. That was mean, that was cowardly, and whatever she was, Cornelia was not base, and not afraid. She would have been willing to follow him into the night, to go to his door, and knock at it, and when he came, flash out at him, “I did love you, I do love you,” and then run, she did not know where, but somewhere out of the world. But he might not be there, or some one else might come to the door; the crude, material difficulties denied her the fierce joy of this exploit, but she could not rest (she should never really rest again) till she had done the nearest thing to it that she could. She looked at the little busy-bee clock ticking away on her bureau and saw that it was half-past eleven o’clock, and that there was no time to lose, and she sat down and wrote: “I did care for you. But I can never see you again. I cannot tell you the reason.”
She drew a deep breath when the thing was done, and hurried the scrap unsigned into an envelope and addressed it to Ludlow. She was in a frenzy till she could get it out of her hands and into the postal-box beyond recall. She pulled a shawl over her head and flew down stairs and out of the door into the street toward the postal-box on the corner. But before she reached it she thought of a special-delivery stamp, which should carry the letter to Ludlow the first thing in the morning, and she pushed on to the druggist’s at the corner beyond to get it. She was aware of the man staring at her, as if she had asked for arsenic; and she supposed she must have looked strange. This did not come into her mind till she found herself again at Mrs. Montgomery’s door, where she stood in a panic ecstasy at having got rid of the letter, which the special stamp seemed to make still more irrevocable, and tried to fit her night-latch into the lock. The cat, which had been shut out, crept up from the area, and rubbed with a soft insinuation against her skirt. She gave a little shriek of terror, and the door was suddenly pulled open from within.
She threw back her shawl from her head, and under the low-burning gas-light held aloft by the spelter statuette in the newel post, she confronted Mr. Dickerson. He had his hat on, and had the air of just having let himself in; his gripsack stood at his feet.
“Why, Nelie! Miss Saunders! Is that you? Why, where in the world —— Well, this is something like ‘Willy, we have missed you’; I’ve just come. What was the matter out there? Somebody trying to scare you? Well, there’s nothing to be afraid of now, anyway. How you do pant! But it becomes you. Yes, it does! You look now just like I’ve seen you all the time I’ve been gone! You didn’t answer any of my letters; I don’t know as I could have expected any different. But I did hope —— Nelie, it’s no use! I’ve got to speak out, and it’s now or never; maybe there won’t be another chance. Look here, my girl! I want you — I love you, Nie! and I always d — —”
He had got her hand, and he was drawing her toward him. She struggled to free herself, but he pulled her closer.
Her heart swelled with a fury of grief for all she had suffered and lost through him. She thought of what her mother had said she ought to do if he ever spoke to her again; there came without her agency, almost, three swift, sharp, electrical blows from the hand she had freed; she saw him reeling backward with his hand at his face, and then she was standing in her own room, looking at her ghost in the glass.
Now, if Mr. Ludlow knew, he would surely despise her, and she wished she were dead indeed: not so much because she had boxed Dickerson’s ears as because she had done what obliged her to do it.
XXXII.
It is hard for the young to understand that the world which seems to stop with their disaster is going on with smooth indifference, and that a little time will carry them so far from any fateful event that when they gather courage to face it they will find it curiously shrunken in the perspective. Nothing really stops the world but death, and that only for the dead. If we live, we must move on, we must change, we must outwear every motion, however poignant or deep. Cornelia’s shame failed to kill her; she woke the next morning with a self-loathing that seemed even greater than that of the night before, but it was actually less; and it yielded to the strong will which she brought to bear upon herself. She went to her work at the Synthesis as if nothing had happened, and she kept at it with a hard, mechanical faithfulness which she found the more possible, perhaps, because Charmian was not there, for some reason, and she had not her sympathy as well as her own weakness to manage. She surprised herself with the results of her pitiless industry, and realized for the first time the mysterious duality of being, in the power of the brain and the hand to toil while the heart aches.
She was glad, she kept assuring herself, that she had put an end to all hope from Ludlow; she rejoiced bitterly that now, however she had disgraced herself in her violent behavior, she had at least disgraced no one else. No one else could suffer through any claim upon her, or kindness for her, or had any right to feel ashamed of her or injured by her. But Cornelia was at the same time puzzled and perplexed with herself, and dismayed with the slightness of her hold upon impulses of hers which she thought she had overcome and bound forever. She made the discovery, which she was yet far too young to formulate, that she had a temperament to deal with that could at any time shake to ruins the character she had so carefully built upon it, and had so wholly mistaken for herself. In the midst of this dismay she made another discovery, and this was that perhaps even her temperament was not what she had believed it, but was still largely unknown to her. She had always known that she was quick and passionate, but she certainly had not supposed that she was capable of the meanness of wondering whether Mr. Ludlow would take her note as less final than she had meant it, and would perhaps seek some explanation of it. No girl that she ever heard or read of, had ever fallen quite so low as to hope that; but was not she hoping just that? Perhaps she had even written those words with the tacit intention of calling him back! But this conjecture was the mere play of a morbid fancy, and weak as she was, Cornelia had the strength to forbid it and deny it.
At the end of the afternoon, she pretended that she ought to go and see what had happened to Charmian, and on the way, she had time to recognize her own hypocrisy, and to resolve that she would do penance for it by coming straight at the true reason of her errand. She was sent to Charmian in her studio, and she scarcely gave her a chance to explain that she had staid at home on account of a cold, and had written a note for Cornelia to come to dinner with her, which she would find when she got back.
Cornelia said, “I want to tell you something, Charmian, and I want you to tell me what you really think — whether I’ve done right, or not.”
Charmian’s eyes lightened. “Wait a moment!” She got a piece of the lightwood, and put it on the fire which she had kindled on the hearth to keep the spring chill off, and went and turned Ludlow’s sketch of herself to the wall. “I know it’s about him.” Then she came and crouched on the tiger-skin at Cornelia’s feet, and clasped her hands around her knees, and fixed her averted face on the blazing pine. “Now go on,” she said, as if she had arranged the pose to her perfect satisfaction.
